It's amazing what a single day makes. I slept like crap last night, tossed and turned, and spent some time online at 3 am. I was glad I had work today, to take my mind off of my mopey thoughts. Communication was better today, albeit not spectacular, but typical. The last two days were somewhat typical as well. I was just highly negatively charged.
I'm still wary of peeling back any more layers until we've had a chance for a 'good' conversation. I brought up some things that he needs to ponder on, so the ball is in his court.
The fact remains that he has me captured, whether I want to admit it to myself or not. I just have to take my own feelings slowly. I'm not talking professing my love or something that drastic. God forbid, those words don't fly easily off these lips. But there is a sense of belonging that he has found.
He is and has found a way into my mind. Something I didn't think could happen to me again, but this time it feels and is different. We've already met, have seen each other a few times as a matter of fact. Couple that with virtual communication and hell that's like a year in online only time. It's different in that it's not a full complete exposure either, having only online and phone communication with someone leads to a deeper depth of exposure sure, because words are the only thing you have. However, when you have both the physical intimacy (as in being able to actually touch the person) all that sharing takes on a new meaning. On paper you can say whatever you want to coax a response from another person, but taking those words and having the opportunity to put them to practice... yeah THAT's what I'm talkin' about.
There's letting someone into your mind in the virtual realm. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that has it's place. I don't disregard the depth of emotion that one feels in an online only relationship. You can crave just as deep as the next person. It's no substitute for being able to touch, explore, taste, smell the other person in your life.
It's one thing to look at words and see into a person's soul, it's quite another to reach out hand hold it in your hand.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Moping in my mind
Yesterday sucked. Those who don't live with the dominant person in their life know exactly what I'm talking about. The day-after separation just sucks. It manifests in depression, anxiety, sadness, sometimes manic responses to what seems like everything. Not having a good distraction doesn't help any either.
Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.
During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.
Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.
My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.
Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.
Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?
I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.
I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.
I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.
Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.
During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.
Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.
My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.
Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.
Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?
I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.
I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.
I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
New Dawn
I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.
By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.
Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.
I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.
It was an eye opening experience.
So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.
Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.
Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.
I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.
let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.
The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.
So this guy...
I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.
When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.
We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.
We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.
Or am I?
I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?
Oh, my God.
I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.
A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.
I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.
What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.
He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.
I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.
By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.
Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.
I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.
It was an eye opening experience.
So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.
Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.
Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.
I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.
let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.
The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.
So this guy...
I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.
When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.
We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.
We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.
Or am I?
I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?
Oh, my God.
I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.
A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.
I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.
What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.
He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.
I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Three hours
I don't have a title for this blog post yet, because I'm not sure what I am going to say yet. I'm back home from the business trip and it was by no stretch, a great success. The customer meetings and the demo's went off without a hitch. Impressed the bossman in the process, so all is good.
Got a chance to chat with the sexy voice on the phone last night while at the hotel. I have to say it was nice to have an uninterrupted phone call that started before 9 pm (damned kids). It was yet another wonderful conversation, sharing of thoughts, bantering of ideas, recognizing more potential.
It will be one week.... only 1 more week. Absolutely, positively can't wait. I feel good, positive, enlightened, affirmed, energetic (well maybe not at this particular moment, but y'all know what I mean)... I have to work during the evening we're going to meet for coffee, I will be forever looking at my watch for those three hours I can tell you that!! Will be one of the longest three hour stretches I've had I'm sure!
I think I'm going to go see what the spawns made for dinner the last couple of days....
Got a chance to chat with the sexy voice on the phone last night while at the hotel. I have to say it was nice to have an uninterrupted phone call that started before 9 pm (damned kids). It was yet another wonderful conversation, sharing of thoughts, bantering of ideas, recognizing more potential.
It will be one week.... only 1 more week. Absolutely, positively can't wait. I feel good, positive, enlightened, affirmed, energetic (well maybe not at this particular moment, but y'all know what I mean)... I have to work during the evening we're going to meet for coffee, I will be forever looking at my watch for those three hours I can tell you that!! Will be one of the longest three hour stretches I've had I'm sure!
I think I'm going to go see what the spawns made for dinner the last couple of days....
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Absence makes the heart grow wiser
I was chatting with a very good friend yesterday about blogging, and where to blog and considering the subject matter (d/s related), I thought this forum was the best venue. Which of course brought me to my own blog here (thank God for stored passwords), and well I can't believe it's been a year.
It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.
During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.
Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.
I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.
Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.
The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.
I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.
Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.
But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.
How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.
Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.
I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.
All I had to do was turn the key....
Was it worth the risk?
I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.
It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.
During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.
Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.
I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.
Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.
The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.
I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.
Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.
But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.
How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.
Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.
I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.
All I had to do was turn the key....
Was it worth the risk?
I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Definitions
We all have them, for words, for actions, for just about everything in life. We define things, whether it's by parameters, or actual meanings we as humans live by definitions.
As we live and grow and learn our definitions of life change over time, some things expand, some things contract, and some things (ideals) disappear. Reality has a way of molding and shifting things.
It's those definitions and parameters that define who we are, and in this ever changing world, hopefully help us in finding someone who also has similar definitions and parameters. What happens though when one of those definitions/parameters is not welcomed by another party? Do you become the chameleon and adapt to the new environment to please yourself of course. You tell yourself that changing is better for the relationship, you convince yourself that you are the one deciding to change. In reality, unless the behavior is self destructive i.e. drugs, alcohol, addictions, before making a change sit down and discuss why the request is even being proffered.
I say this because recently I had a friend who became irritated with my involvement in erotica and erotic sites, and basically my online involvement in general. Now, none of this was a surprise to him, I'm up front about my online activities (I met him on a fetish site besides!!). But my behavior online (which has all but disappeared) became too much. So I made the decision to change it, for the sake of salvaging the relationship.
I realized that while some of my behavior did need to change, not all of it did. If I care to blog about work, family or whatever, that's my business. His "definitions" clearly interfered with mine. How much was I willing to 'give up'?
He ended up solving the conflict by leaving the relationship. Whether I left the online realm or not, he couldn't come to terms as erotica as a part of my life. His loss.
The question of parameters and definitions still holds though, how much was I willing to give up? The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't comfortable with the parameters. There are parts of my online life that I enjoy. I write erotica so spending time on erotic sites not only is a learning experience, but at times also provides inspiration for a new story, or a scene in a current novel.
I have online friends. Now I'm not talking about the 200 person IM list that I once had. I mean five friends that I consider closer than family most times. I would not give them up. I've known them for years, and won't give them up for anything or anyone.
I almost felt like there was some isolation going on. I can't win lol. The first one couldn't let me talk to people without him butting in, and this one only wanted me to converse with certain people. Female was ok it seemed.
So what parameters are up for discussion with you?
As we live and grow and learn our definitions of life change over time, some things expand, some things contract, and some things (ideals) disappear. Reality has a way of molding and shifting things.
It's those definitions and parameters that define who we are, and in this ever changing world, hopefully help us in finding someone who also has similar definitions and parameters. What happens though when one of those definitions/parameters is not welcomed by another party? Do you become the chameleon and adapt to the new environment to please yourself of course. You tell yourself that changing is better for the relationship, you convince yourself that you are the one deciding to change. In reality, unless the behavior is self destructive i.e. drugs, alcohol, addictions, before making a change sit down and discuss why the request is even being proffered.
I say this because recently I had a friend who became irritated with my involvement in erotica and erotic sites, and basically my online involvement in general. Now, none of this was a surprise to him, I'm up front about my online activities (I met him on a fetish site besides!!). But my behavior online (which has all but disappeared) became too much. So I made the decision to change it, for the sake of salvaging the relationship.
I realized that while some of my behavior did need to change, not all of it did. If I care to blog about work, family or whatever, that's my business. His "definitions" clearly interfered with mine. How much was I willing to 'give up'?
He ended up solving the conflict by leaving the relationship. Whether I left the online realm or not, he couldn't come to terms as erotica as a part of my life. His loss.
The question of parameters and definitions still holds though, how much was I willing to give up? The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't comfortable with the parameters. There are parts of my online life that I enjoy. I write erotica so spending time on erotic sites not only is a learning experience, but at times also provides inspiration for a new story, or a scene in a current novel.
I have online friends. Now I'm not talking about the 200 person IM list that I once had. I mean five friends that I consider closer than family most times. I would not give them up. I've known them for years, and won't give them up for anything or anyone.
I almost felt like there was some isolation going on. I can't win lol. The first one couldn't let me talk to people without him butting in, and this one only wanted me to converse with certain people. Female was ok it seemed.
So what parameters are up for discussion with you?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Rediscovering Me
It's hard to believe so much time has gone by. I haven't been blogging much anywhere these days. Life has me hopping here and there. I've also spent a good portion of this time writing in the book I'm trying to complete. I've been able to bang out 5 decent chapters, revamped the outline and I consider myself on the homestretch now. Only 5 more chapters until I'm done. So with any luck that's 50 or so pages.
I've also met someone who fits into me and my lifestyle extremely well. The first conversation I had with him was like going home. It was in a sense, he's from the homeland too. So we're both transplants on this side of the country, and like the same sports teams. Which is a huge bonus during football season. *grins*
So while the last relationship didn't end so well, and I was completely disillusioned by many things, it did teach me that there are men out there who do not bully by physical force. Now I've found one who doesn't bully by guilt or emotional force as well. It's quite nice. He has a life that doesn't revolve around me. There's no whining or demands for time, there's understanding when it comes to the brood, and best of all, he really knows how to get inside my head when I need it most.
There's a time and place for certain activities, and we're both content and happy with that. It's also a learning experience in the BDSM realm as well. A whole new set of serving and pleasing and being used. I understand now why all the good BDSM sites use the Hitachi wand. *shivers and drools*.
So, yes I'm still alive, and promise to go catch up on all your writings soon.
I'll be back soon.
ss
I've also met someone who fits into me and my lifestyle extremely well. The first conversation I had with him was like going home. It was in a sense, he's from the homeland too. So we're both transplants on this side of the country, and like the same sports teams. Which is a huge bonus during football season. *grins*
So while the last relationship didn't end so well, and I was completely disillusioned by many things, it did teach me that there are men out there who do not bully by physical force. Now I've found one who doesn't bully by guilt or emotional force as well. It's quite nice. He has a life that doesn't revolve around me. There's no whining or demands for time, there's understanding when it comes to the brood, and best of all, he really knows how to get inside my head when I need it most.
There's a time and place for certain activities, and we're both content and happy with that. It's also a learning experience in the BDSM realm as well. A whole new set of serving and pleasing and being used. I understand now why all the good BDSM sites use the Hitachi wand. *shivers and drools*.
So, yes I'm still alive, and promise to go catch up on all your writings soon.
I'll be back soon.
ss
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Mind dump of thoughts
Thanks for the kick in the arse trinity-pup to write again.
Life is good. I've started writing again. That is huge for me. I've written an entire chapter and went on to the next chapter. So that officially puts me about 2/3 done according to my outline. I figure I have a bout 6 or 7 chapters left, maybe less than that if I use some of the filler I wrote and kept because it didn't fit in the original location.
I also penned a short short in my alt blog, and then posted it on an erotic story site. Now I'm working on three shorts per requests of users on a amateur video site (no, I don't have videos up).
It's fun to deviate from what I need to do though.
On the home front, we added more reptiles to our menagerie today. All lizards are content and full of crickets I'm happy to report. Now it's time to feed the snake.
I'm pondering a new tattoo. Upper back, just not sure what I want yet. It's one of those things where I'll know it's meant to be when I see it. I'd like to do custom, but if I see a stencil, I'll work with it and change it a bit to make it seem more custom.
Went out on a date last night. Impromptu @ 10 pm. Got home about 2:30 ish. Dragging ass today. I likey my sleep.
On a sad note, my strawberry plants have officially shit the bed. I'm not so good with the green thumb. It's like a relationship for me, I kill it in time with either lack of interest or nurture it beyond its capability. One of these days I'll get it right.
Ok, that's enough for me right now. I have more story requests to work on.
Life is good. I've started writing again. That is huge for me. I've written an entire chapter and went on to the next chapter. So that officially puts me about 2/3 done according to my outline. I figure I have a bout 6 or 7 chapters left, maybe less than that if I use some of the filler I wrote and kept because it didn't fit in the original location.
I also penned a short short in my alt blog, and then posted it on an erotic story site. Now I'm working on three shorts per requests of users on a amateur video site (no, I don't have videos up).
It's fun to deviate from what I need to do though.
On the home front, we added more reptiles to our menagerie today. All lizards are content and full of crickets I'm happy to report. Now it's time to feed the snake.
I'm pondering a new tattoo. Upper back, just not sure what I want yet. It's one of those things where I'll know it's meant to be when I see it. I'd like to do custom, but if I see a stencil, I'll work with it and change it a bit to make it seem more custom.
Went out on a date last night. Impromptu @ 10 pm. Got home about 2:30 ish. Dragging ass today. I likey my sleep.
On a sad note, my strawberry plants have officially shit the bed. I'm not so good with the green thumb. It's like a relationship for me, I kill it in time with either lack of interest or nurture it beyond its capability. One of these days I'll get it right.
Ok, that's enough for me right now. I have more story requests to work on.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Looking up
I received a nice comment in email today about my space here, and it made me smile.
I've done a lot of introspection in the past month, and I know it's always easy to blame the other person when a relationship goes sour, but I've tried not to do so.
I know I didn't make things easy during this relationship, there were red flags that I either didn't see, or chose not to see. I understand now, how inexperience on both sides of the fence when it comes to the d/s lifestyle can cause problems. He portrayed himself one way, and in some ways he was accurate, but in other ways, he, in retrospect, was less experienced that I was.
I know I gave pushback on certain things, probably more than would be considered submissive. But I cannot and will not do things blindly just because someone wants something a particular way. I didn't recognize the emotional blackmail for what it was- emotional abuse.
When someone in a dominant role uses guilt to get what he or she wants- that's abuse. I heard over and over again "don't you want to help me?" "don't you want to make me happy?" things along those lines. The foundation cracked a long time ago, and I tried to disguise it with a nice potted plant, but all that meant is that I didn't have to look at it every day.
The crack expanded into other areas of my life until I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I have to say it in public, the man is no more a dominant than my baby boy. This man runs from his problems and latches on to people he thinks can give him something he covets- the need to belong. It drives him, but he doesn't realize it, nor does he realize or respect boundaries. Not limits, he didn't have enough creativity to go beyond the little knowledge he does know.
Interestingly enough, I received an email from his former mentor well over a year ago, but after he and I had actually met, and he'd bestowed upon me his collar. She warned me, and apologized for not doing so earlier. She did do me an injustice, feelings had gone headlong into outer space, but I read the email again the other day, and what she said was true- word for word (or just about). All the pieces of the puzzle fit.
He read a few websites, practiced with some props- but he has no idea how to be the dominant role. Over and over again I cried out for the mind fuck and the mind control, and over and over again it went ignored. Was it intentional or just ignorance? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can understand the misguided need for control and the lack of understanding in how to go about getting it. He learned a few moves with props and was content with that, no matter how much talk was shared, that's all it was talk.
Lessons learned.
So where does that leave m now? Looking up of course. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth with the entire lifestyle right now. Even though I know there are good people who live it, I'll not be looking to explore it- especially online.
I will be exploring dating and will find a partner who can and is willing to explore all kinds of kink. Someone who is control of his life and actually likes his life as it is- a relationship would only be an enhancement. In other words- a mirror image of me.
I like my life, such as it is. I've purged and feel so much better.
Now to celebrate my new found knowledge.... I think I need to do some toy shopping. Any suggestions?
I've done a lot of introspection in the past month, and I know it's always easy to blame the other person when a relationship goes sour, but I've tried not to do so.
I know I didn't make things easy during this relationship, there were red flags that I either didn't see, or chose not to see. I understand now, how inexperience on both sides of the fence when it comes to the d/s lifestyle can cause problems. He portrayed himself one way, and in some ways he was accurate, but in other ways, he, in retrospect, was less experienced that I was.
I know I gave pushback on certain things, probably more than would be considered submissive. But I cannot and will not do things blindly just because someone wants something a particular way. I didn't recognize the emotional blackmail for what it was- emotional abuse.
When someone in a dominant role uses guilt to get what he or she wants- that's abuse. I heard over and over again "don't you want to help me?" "don't you want to make me happy?" things along those lines. The foundation cracked a long time ago, and I tried to disguise it with a nice potted plant, but all that meant is that I didn't have to look at it every day.
The crack expanded into other areas of my life until I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I have to say it in public, the man is no more a dominant than my baby boy. This man runs from his problems and latches on to people he thinks can give him something he covets- the need to belong. It drives him, but he doesn't realize it, nor does he realize or respect boundaries. Not limits, he didn't have enough creativity to go beyond the little knowledge he does know.
Interestingly enough, I received an email from his former mentor well over a year ago, but after he and I had actually met, and he'd bestowed upon me his collar. She warned me, and apologized for not doing so earlier. She did do me an injustice, feelings had gone headlong into outer space, but I read the email again the other day, and what she said was true- word for word (or just about). All the pieces of the puzzle fit.
He read a few websites, practiced with some props- but he has no idea how to be the dominant role. Over and over again I cried out for the mind fuck and the mind control, and over and over again it went ignored. Was it intentional or just ignorance? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can understand the misguided need for control and the lack of understanding in how to go about getting it. He learned a few moves with props and was content with that, no matter how much talk was shared, that's all it was talk.
Lessons learned.
So where does that leave m now? Looking up of course. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth with the entire lifestyle right now. Even though I know there are good people who live it, I'll not be looking to explore it- especially online.
I will be exploring dating and will find a partner who can and is willing to explore all kinds of kink. Someone who is control of his life and actually likes his life as it is- a relationship would only be an enhancement. In other words- a mirror image of me.
I like my life, such as it is. I've purged and feel so much better.
Now to celebrate my new found knowledge.... I think I need to do some toy shopping. Any suggestions?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Moving forward
It's easy to fall back into routines. That's what I almost found myself doing this week. Turning to an old flame turned friend, looking for the comfort and lust that had been lacking from my life for too long.
There are reasons why that friendship will always remain that, but it still felt nice to hear him lusting after me, expressing his want and desire.
Turns out it was a good thing. He brought out that inner need that can get get stifled and thrown to the back of the closet. While it's always so much nicer to have someone else sate the sexual needs, I'm not going to go back to being an asexual being. I did that for quite a long time. Oddly enough, it was the same man who brought me back to life three years ago. Wow, just realized that.
I've taken control of my sexuality again, started surfing porn, and broke out the toys.
Anyway, I knew I loved my waterproof rabbit for a reason, my morning and once again evening showers have been quite satisfactory of late. I wonder if they make a little version with just the rabbit ear part that somehow straps to a finger or two or even hand. I don't always find there's a need to use the phallus part of the toy, and it can become cumbersome to use.
I was also indulgent, I took the suction cup dildo and lubed it up and let it sink deep in my arse. Now that was a slice of heaven, add those rabbit ears to my clit and voila!!! Instant smile for the remainder of the day.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about this whole d/s thing. Maybe it's just not for me. A little kink in the bedroom, ok, ok, a LOT of kink in the bedroom, ok, ok whips and restraints too. ok, ok, humiliation and some discipline.
I have gone back to alt and made adjustments to my original profile, deleted the joint one we had together, and doing more reading. Something will fit, not rushing it, but I did think it was important not to run from it either. I know the yearnings and urges will crop up, so why deny the need now? I can use this time to find out more about why the relationship with TM didn't work on my end. It always takes two, he wasn't the bad guy here 100% of the time.
It's all a matter of finding the right person to explore it with, I guess. Time will tell
There are reasons why that friendship will always remain that, but it still felt nice to hear him lusting after me, expressing his want and desire.
Turns out it was a good thing. He brought out that inner need that can get get stifled and thrown to the back of the closet. While it's always so much nicer to have someone else sate the sexual needs, I'm not going to go back to being an asexual being. I did that for quite a long time. Oddly enough, it was the same man who brought me back to life three years ago. Wow, just realized that.
I've taken control of my sexuality again, started surfing porn, and broke out the toys.
Anyway, I knew I loved my waterproof rabbit for a reason, my morning and once again evening showers have been quite satisfactory of late. I wonder if they make a little version with just the rabbit ear part that somehow straps to a finger or two or even hand. I don't always find there's a need to use the phallus part of the toy, and it can become cumbersome to use.
I was also indulgent, I took the suction cup dildo and lubed it up and let it sink deep in my arse. Now that was a slice of heaven, add those rabbit ears to my clit and voila!!! Instant smile for the remainder of the day.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about this whole d/s thing. Maybe it's just not for me. A little kink in the bedroom, ok, ok, a LOT of kink in the bedroom, ok, ok whips and restraints too. ok, ok, humiliation and some discipline.
I have gone back to alt and made adjustments to my original profile, deleted the joint one we had together, and doing more reading. Something will fit, not rushing it, but I did think it was important not to run from it either. I know the yearnings and urges will crop up, so why deny the need now? I can use this time to find out more about why the relationship with TM didn't work on my end. It always takes two, he wasn't the bad guy here 100% of the time.
It's all a matter of finding the right person to explore it with, I guess. Time will tell
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
From the outside looking in
I have a few friends who are privy to the reasons why I had to do what I did in regards to my relationship with TM. They have all been very supportive. One could say, "of course, they'll be supportive, they're your friends." Yes, this is true, but these friends are also prone to telling me when I'm acting like an ass or a twit (which has happened more than once believe it or not).
I'm not having a hard time letting the relationship itself go. I am already done with that. I think it's because I was pretending to be happy when deep down, I felt a sense of disappointment more often than not. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that the level of trust in scenes I had in him was so great, I simply cannot imagine finding that again. Especially under the premise of d/s or bdsm. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth left over from that aspect of the relationship.
Now, I will be the first to admit, that I have a teensy weensy problem relinquishing control outside of the bedroom. It's not that I don't want to, there is a part of me that does. I just don't know any other way to be. There is that natural side of me that will fix his favorite dinners, serve his plate, tend to clothing etc., but without the 'help' of a strong dominant to keep me in that 'serving' mindset- forget it. If I've had a bad day all bets are off and cook your own damned dinner.
That's where I was. While TM was great in a crisis, level headed and solid, that's about where it ended. On the day to day, not only did I want to make the decisions, I felt I had to because I was the one who had more experience running a household, keeping schedules, maintaining some semblence of order. After having all of that on my shoulders, and having the bdsm side of the house get not only predictable and mundane and eventually non existent, there just wasn't anything.
I not only mentioned it to him, but journaled it in depth. Remember the whole potty thing? Yeah, my suggestion, hell I gave him an entire list of things that would help him maintain some semblence of control. He never followed through. Eventually one learns to give up in that situation.
I either read or heard somewhere that d/s relationships (the first one) can often run its course within two years. I never thought that would happen with us, simply because of his experience (6+ years). However, either he gave up trying to figure out this strong willed independent person with sub desires, or he never knew what to do with me in the first place. I mean how easy is it to assign tasks? That was good for a week or so, a year ago, and then it never went anywhere.
I know I'm laying a lot of blame on his shoulders, but the d in the relationship is supposed to have the majority of that weight. Not that I am keeping myself blameless. I could have just gone through the motions and be the good little sub, but I am selfish. I want something in return. I want to know that my efforts are not just going through the motions. I want (or wanted, I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) someone who understands that I have this submissive longing, but have a meltdown and will run in the other direction if pushed to fast.
I know I didn't make it easy at times, and he'll say "I don't know if you don't tell me", but how many times do es one have to literally spell it out, before one just stops trying?
I talked to a Dom friend of mine recently about some of this. He didn't know TM, so he wasn't passing judgement on him as a person, only the situation. He was of the same inclination as I, TM simply didn't have what it takes to be the right D for me. Now, I really don't know what that is at the present moment. It will take time, and that's ok. I certainly am not looking to get into another relationship, especially one that involves any type of power exchange.
I updated my profile over at alt and had to laugh. Some 'guy' sent me an email shortly after I stated that I just ended a relationship and was pondering my place in the lifestyle. He simply stated that he thought he'd be the perfect person to 'train' me. Then I read his profile. Very demanding. Like that's going to be just what I need right now. I mean give me a break. What a troll.
By the way, now that all is said and done... I have a question;
How are the toys and props supposed to be divided when a relationship falls apart?
I'm not having a hard time letting the relationship itself go. I am already done with that. I think it's because I was pretending to be happy when deep down, I felt a sense of disappointment more often than not. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that the level of trust in scenes I had in him was so great, I simply cannot imagine finding that again. Especially under the premise of d/s or bdsm. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth left over from that aspect of the relationship.
Now, I will be the first to admit, that I have a teensy weensy problem relinquishing control outside of the bedroom. It's not that I don't want to, there is a part of me that does. I just don't know any other way to be. There is that natural side of me that will fix his favorite dinners, serve his plate, tend to clothing etc., but without the 'help' of a strong dominant to keep me in that 'serving' mindset- forget it. If I've had a bad day all bets are off and cook your own damned dinner.
That's where I was. While TM was great in a crisis, level headed and solid, that's about where it ended. On the day to day, not only did I want to make the decisions, I felt I had to because I was the one who had more experience running a household, keeping schedules, maintaining some semblence of order. After having all of that on my shoulders, and having the bdsm side of the house get not only predictable and mundane and eventually non existent, there just wasn't anything.
I not only mentioned it to him, but journaled it in depth. Remember the whole potty thing? Yeah, my suggestion, hell I gave him an entire list of things that would help him maintain some semblence of control. He never followed through. Eventually one learns to give up in that situation.
I either read or heard somewhere that d/s relationships (the first one) can often run its course within two years. I never thought that would happen with us, simply because of his experience (6+ years). However, either he gave up trying to figure out this strong willed independent person with sub desires, or he never knew what to do with me in the first place. I mean how easy is it to assign tasks? That was good for a week or so, a year ago, and then it never went anywhere.
I know I'm laying a lot of blame on his shoulders, but the d in the relationship is supposed to have the majority of that weight. Not that I am keeping myself blameless. I could have just gone through the motions and be the good little sub, but I am selfish. I want something in return. I want to know that my efforts are not just going through the motions. I want (or wanted, I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) someone who understands that I have this submissive longing, but have a meltdown and will run in the other direction if pushed to fast.
I know I didn't make it easy at times, and he'll say "I don't know if you don't tell me", but how many times do es one have to literally spell it out, before one just stops trying?
I talked to a Dom friend of mine recently about some of this. He didn't know TM, so he wasn't passing judgement on him as a person, only the situation. He was of the same inclination as I, TM simply didn't have what it takes to be the right D for me. Now, I really don't know what that is at the present moment. It will take time, and that's ok. I certainly am not looking to get into another relationship, especially one that involves any type of power exchange.
I updated my profile over at alt and had to laugh. Some 'guy' sent me an email shortly after I stated that I just ended a relationship and was pondering my place in the lifestyle. He simply stated that he thought he'd be the perfect person to 'train' me. Then I read his profile. Very demanding. Like that's going to be just what I need right now. I mean give me a break. What a troll.
By the way, now that all is said and done... I have a question;
How are the toys and props supposed to be divided when a relationship falls apart?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Changes
Yes, it's been awhile since I've been here, and there was a good reason for it. The last few entries I had here expressed my obvious dissatisfaction at the course of the relationship with TM. The weeks following that last entry of April 3 brought me to the conclusion that I've dealt with these types of thing over the past couple of years, and that this would be a constant source of contention for me in the future.
I chose not to write out what I was feeling or going through, because even though there is a sense of anonymity here, he does or might read this, and I don't want this to be an asassination of him or his character. It's nothing like that, I still like the man- he's a great guy- for someone else.
We've parted ways, I asked him to leave- he did. I've learned a great many things over the last couple of years. I will always be grateful for his slow introduction to BDSM. Now it's time for me to spread my wings and figure out what I need out of this lifestyle.
I chose not to write out what I was feeling or going through, because even though there is a sense of anonymity here, he does or might read this, and I don't want this to be an asassination of him or his character. It's nothing like that, I still like the man- he's a great guy- for someone else.
We've parted ways, I asked him to leave- he did. I've learned a great many things over the last couple of years. I will always be grateful for his slow introduction to BDSM. Now it's time for me to spread my wings and figure out what I need out of this lifestyle.
Friday, April 3, 2009
A view from the patio
It's another beautiful night, and I'm sitting here appreciating it for once. I've been in the self pity mode for the last few weeks. Work is hectic and a drag, home is a zoo, and the D/s in my relationship seems to have flown out the window with TM's new hobby.
I could sit here and remind myself that I am as much to blame, but I'm in a self righteous mode. I do enough without having to remind him that he's supposed to be the dominant in this relationship. I've done it numerous times, reminding him about his job description. It lasts for awhile and then falls by the wayside. It's all well and good, but then don't sit there and tell me the beast needs to come out and a beating is long overdue.
That to me is just wrong. You want that, go find a play partner to satisfy that urge. If you don't think that the d/s in our relationship is important to nurture, ok fine, but don't expect me to be subservient when you deem it necessary to impart a scene.
Sometimes when I get this way I find that it's cyclical with my menses, but it's not PMS this time around.
The question is, is the relationship itself strong enough to go through these challenges. Yes, I believe it it, but there comes a point where when you look in the mirror, reality hits you in the face.
I could sit here and remind myself that I am as much to blame, but I'm in a self righteous mode. I do enough without having to remind him that he's supposed to be the dominant in this relationship. I've done it numerous times, reminding him about his job description. It lasts for awhile and then falls by the wayside. It's all well and good, but then don't sit there and tell me the beast needs to come out and a beating is long overdue.
That to me is just wrong. You want that, go find a play partner to satisfy that urge. If you don't think that the d/s in our relationship is important to nurture, ok fine, but don't expect me to be subservient when you deem it necessary to impart a scene.
Sometimes when I get this way I find that it's cyclical with my menses, but it's not PMS this time around.
The question is, is the relationship itself strong enough to go through these challenges. Yes, I believe it it, but there comes a point where when you look in the mirror, reality hits you in the face.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Where has time gone
I've been remiss in my writing duties. Seems I can't get away from the paying work these days. All of my writing has taken a back seat, much to my dismay.
Things are good here, but the permission thing has fallen by the wayside. TM has been wrapped up in his own world for the past two weeks with a new hobby. All well and good for him, but I can't keep my head wrapped around the D/s without his help. I'm not trying to boast, not at all, but I'm too strong not to have him keep himself in the 'lead'. He drops off, I take it. More vanilla than D/s. That's fine, but I'm not going to take the lead on D/s. If he's going to be the capital D, then do it. It's like anything in life, it has to be worked. It's not just a thought that I'm going to blindly follow.
I don't want to be the only one working at this. If it's not going to be taken seriously, then stop the pretense. Either we do this, and he acts like a big boy, or he shirks his duty and we just are as is, well except for some kinky sex.
I'm tired of the one who makes the suggestions as to how I can be more submissive in the relationship, and it's ok for a week or two, then it all seems to slip into a void.
Granted, there aren't many areas that he has carte blanche, but in the areas he does, he's not.
Yeah, yeah... I know that I could take the high road and just keep pursuing my own submissiveness and desires to serve. I'm tired of the one always taking the steps and then not having him follow through. There is some responsiblity in that. I opened the door, not once but on many occasions. All with the same result.
Granted, life does get in the way. I'm grateful that he recognizes I'm beat at the end of the day, but I think that we could still add some ritual somewhere in there.
I'm tired, I need to reconnect and get grounded and centered, but I'm not going to push for it. He knows me well enough and should recognize it by now.
I'm going to stop here... battery is almost dead.
*off to look at some Hitachi Wands*
have a great weekend.
Things are good here, but the permission thing has fallen by the wayside. TM has been wrapped up in his own world for the past two weeks with a new hobby. All well and good for him, but I can't keep my head wrapped around the D/s without his help. I'm not trying to boast, not at all, but I'm too strong not to have him keep himself in the 'lead'. He drops off, I take it. More vanilla than D/s. That's fine, but I'm not going to take the lead on D/s. If he's going to be the capital D, then do it. It's like anything in life, it has to be worked. It's not just a thought that I'm going to blindly follow.
I don't want to be the only one working at this. If it's not going to be taken seriously, then stop the pretense. Either we do this, and he acts like a big boy, or he shirks his duty and we just are as is, well except for some kinky sex.
I'm tired of the one who makes the suggestions as to how I can be more submissive in the relationship, and it's ok for a week or two, then it all seems to slip into a void.
Granted, there aren't many areas that he has carte blanche, but in the areas he does, he's not.
Yeah, yeah... I know that I could take the high road and just keep pursuing my own submissiveness and desires to serve. I'm tired of the one always taking the steps and then not having him follow through. There is some responsiblity in that. I opened the door, not once but on many occasions. All with the same result.
Granted, life does get in the way. I'm grateful that he recognizes I'm beat at the end of the day, but I think that we could still add some ritual somewhere in there.
I'm tired, I need to reconnect and get grounded and centered, but I'm not going to push for it. He knows me well enough and should recognize it by now.
I'm going to stop here... battery is almost dead.
*off to look at some Hitachi Wands*
have a great weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
