Sunday, May 17, 2009

Moving forward

It's easy to fall back into routines. That's what I almost found myself doing this week. Turning to an old flame turned friend, looking for the comfort and lust that had been lacking from my life for too long.

There are reasons why that friendship will always remain that, but it still felt nice to hear him lusting after me, expressing his want and desire.

Turns out it was a good thing. He brought out that inner need that can get get stifled and thrown to the back of the closet. While it's always so much nicer to have someone else sate the sexual needs, I'm not going to go back to being an asexual being. I did that for quite a long time. Oddly enough, it was the same man who brought me back to life three years ago. Wow, just realized that.

I've taken control of my sexuality again, started surfing porn, and broke out the toys.

Anyway, I knew I loved my waterproof rabbit for a reason, my morning and once again evening showers have been quite satisfactory of late. I wonder if they make a little version with just the rabbit ear part that somehow straps to a finger or two or even hand. I don't always find there's a need to use the phallus part of the toy, and it can become cumbersome to use.

I was also indulgent, I took the suction cup dildo and lubed it up and let it sink deep in my arse. Now that was a slice of heaven, add those rabbit ears to my clit and voila!!! Instant smile for the remainder of the day.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about this whole d/s thing. Maybe it's just not for me. A little kink in the bedroom, ok, ok, a LOT of kink in the bedroom, ok, ok whips and restraints too. ok, ok, humiliation and some discipline.

I have gone back to alt and made adjustments to my original profile, deleted the joint one we had together, and doing more reading. Something will fit, not rushing it, but I did think it was important not to run from it either. I know the yearnings and urges will crop up, so why deny the need now? I can use this time to find out more about why the relationship with TM didn't work on my end. It always takes two, he wasn't the bad guy here 100% of the time.

It's all a matter of finding the right person to explore it with, I guess. Time will tell

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

From the outside looking in

I have a few friends who are privy to the reasons why I had to do what I did in regards to my relationship with TM. They have all been very supportive. One could say, "of course, they'll be supportive, they're your friends." Yes, this is true, but these friends are also prone to telling me when I'm acting like an ass or a twit (which has happened more than once believe it or not).

I'm not having a hard time letting the relationship itself go. I am already done with that. I think it's because I was pretending to be happy when deep down, I felt a sense of disappointment more often than not. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that the level of trust in scenes I had in him was so great, I simply cannot imagine finding that again. Especially under the premise of d/s or bdsm. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth left over from that aspect of the relationship.

Now, I will be the first to admit, that I have a teensy weensy problem relinquishing control outside of the bedroom. It's not that I don't want to, there is a part of me that does. I just don't know any other way to be. There is that natural side of me that will fix his favorite dinners, serve his plate, tend to clothing etc., but without the 'help' of a strong dominant to keep me in that 'serving' mindset- forget it. If I've had a bad day all bets are off and cook your own damned dinner.

That's where I was. While TM was great in a crisis, level headed and solid, that's about where it ended. On the day to day, not only did I want to make the decisions, I felt I had to because I was the one who had more experience running a household, keeping schedules, maintaining some semblence of order. After having all of that on my shoulders, and having the bdsm side of the house get not only predictable and mundane and eventually non existent, there just wasn't anything.

I not only mentioned it to him, but journaled it in depth. Remember the whole potty thing? Yeah, my suggestion, hell I gave him an entire list of things that would help him maintain some semblence of control. He never followed through. Eventually one learns to give up in that situation.

I either read or heard somewhere that d/s relationships (the first one) can often run its course within two years. I never thought that would happen with us, simply because of his experience (6+ years). However, either he gave up trying to figure out this strong willed independent person with sub desires, or he never knew what to do with me in the first place. I mean how easy is it to assign tasks? That was good for a week or so, a year ago, and then it never went anywhere.

I know I'm laying a lot of blame on his shoulders, but the d in the relationship is supposed to have the majority of that weight. Not that I am keeping myself blameless. I could have just gone through the motions and be the good little sub, but I am selfish. I want something in return. I want to know that my efforts are not just going through the motions. I want (or wanted, I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) someone who understands that I have this submissive longing, but have a meltdown and will run in the other direction if pushed to fast.

I know I didn't make it easy at times, and he'll say "I don't know if you don't tell me", but how many times do es one have to literally spell it out, before one just stops trying?

I talked to a Dom friend of mine recently about some of this. He didn't know TM, so he wasn't passing judgement on him as a person, only the situation. He was of the same inclination as I, TM simply didn't have what it takes to be the right D for me. Now, I really don't know what that is at the present moment. It will take time, and that's ok. I certainly am not looking to get into another relationship, especially one that involves any type of power exchange.

I updated my profile over at alt and had to laugh. Some 'guy' sent me an email shortly after I stated that I just ended a relationship and was pondering my place in the lifestyle. He simply stated that he thought he'd be the perfect person to 'train' me. Then I read his profile. Very demanding. Like that's going to be just what I need right now. I mean give me a break. What a troll.

By the way, now that all is said and done... I have a question;

How are the toys and props supposed to be divided when a relationship falls apart?

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Yes, it's been awhile since I've been here, and there was a good reason for it. The last few entries I had here expressed my obvious dissatisfaction at the course of the relationship with TM. The weeks following that last entry of April 3 brought me to the conclusion that I've dealt with these types of thing over the past couple of years, and that this would be a constant source of contention for me in the future.

I chose not to write out what I was feeling or going through, because even though there is a sense of anonymity here, he does or might read this, and I don't want this to be an asassination of him or his character. It's nothing like that, I still like the man- he's a great guy- for someone else.

We've parted ways, I asked him to leave- he did. I've learned a great many things over the last couple of years. I will always be grateful for his slow introduction to BDSM. Now it's time for me to spread my wings and figure out what I need out of this lifestyle.