Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mind dump of thoughts

Thanks for the kick in the arse trinity-pup to write again.

Life is good. I've started writing again. That is huge for me. I've written an entire chapter and went on to the next chapter. So that officially puts me about 2/3 done according to my outline. I figure I have a bout 6 or 7 chapters left, maybe less than that if I use some of the filler I wrote and kept because it didn't fit in the original location.

I also penned a short short in my alt blog, and then posted it on an erotic story site. Now I'm working on three shorts per requests of users on a amateur video site (no, I don't have videos up).

It's fun to deviate from what I need to do though.

On the home front, we added more reptiles to our menagerie today. All lizards are content and full of crickets I'm happy to report. Now it's time to feed the snake.

I'm pondering a new tattoo. Upper back, just not sure what I want yet. It's one of those things where I'll know it's meant to be when I see it. I'd like to do custom, but if I see a stencil, I'll work with it and change it a bit to make it seem more custom.

Went out on a date last night. Impromptu @ 10 pm. Got home about 2:30 ish. Dragging ass today. I likey my sleep.

On a sad note, my strawberry plants have officially shit the bed. I'm not so good with the green thumb. It's like a relationship for me, I kill it in time with either lack of interest or nurture it beyond its capability. One of these days I'll get it right.

Ok, that's enough for me right now. I have more story requests to work on.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Looking up

I received a nice comment in email today about my space here, and it made me smile.

I've done a lot of introspection in the past month, and I know it's always easy to blame the other person when a relationship goes sour, but I've tried not to do so.

I know I didn't make things easy during this relationship, there were red flags that I either didn't see, or chose not to see. I understand now, how inexperience on both sides of the fence when it comes to the d/s lifestyle can cause problems. He portrayed himself one way, and in some ways he was accurate, but in other ways, he, in retrospect, was less experienced that I was.

I know I gave pushback on certain things, probably more than would be considered submissive. But I cannot and will not do things blindly just because someone wants something a particular way. I didn't recognize the emotional blackmail for what it was- emotional abuse.

When someone in a dominant role uses guilt to get what he or she wants- that's abuse. I heard over and over again "don't you want to help me?" "don't you want to make me happy?" things along those lines. The foundation cracked a long time ago, and I tried to disguise it with a nice potted plant, but all that meant is that I didn't have to look at it every day.

The crack expanded into other areas of my life until I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I have to say it in public, the man is no more a dominant than my baby boy. This man runs from his problems and latches on to people he thinks can give him something he covets- the need to belong. It drives him, but he doesn't realize it, nor does he realize or respect boundaries. Not limits, he didn't have enough creativity to go beyond the little knowledge he does know.

Interestingly enough, I received an email from his former mentor well over a year ago, but after he and I had actually met, and he'd bestowed upon me his collar. She warned me, and apologized for not doing so earlier. She did do me an injustice, feelings had gone headlong into outer space, but I read the email again the other day, and what she said was true- word for word (or just about). All the pieces of the puzzle fit.

He read a few websites, practiced with some props- but he has no idea how to be the dominant role. Over and over again I cried out for the mind fuck and the mind control, and over and over again it went ignored. Was it intentional or just ignorance? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can understand the misguided need for control and the lack of understanding in how to go about getting it. He learned a few moves with props and was content with that, no matter how much talk was shared, that's all it was talk.

Lessons learned.

So where does that leave m now? Looking up of course. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth with the entire lifestyle right now. Even though I know there are good people who live it, I'll not be looking to explore it- especially online.

I will be exploring dating and will find a partner who can and is willing to explore all kinds of kink. Someone who is control of his life and actually likes his life as it is- a relationship would only be an enhancement. In other words- a mirror image of me.

I like my life, such as it is. I've purged and feel so much better.

Now to celebrate my new found knowledge.... I think I need to do some toy shopping. Any suggestions?