Thursday, March 19, 2009

Where has time gone

I've been remiss in my writing duties. Seems I can't get away from the paying work these days. All of my writing has taken a back seat, much to my dismay.

Things are good here, but the permission thing has fallen by the wayside. TM has been wrapped up in his own world for the past two weeks with a new hobby. All well and good for him, but I can't keep my head wrapped around the D/s without his help. I'm not trying to boast, not at all, but I'm too strong not to have him keep himself in the 'lead'. He drops off, I take it. More vanilla than D/s. That's fine, but I'm not going to take the lead on D/s. If he's going to be the capital D, then do it. It's like anything in life, it has to be worked. It's not just a thought that I'm going to blindly follow.

I don't want to be the only one working at this. If it's not going to be taken seriously, then stop the pretense. Either we do this, and he acts like a big boy, or he shirks his duty and we just are as is, well except for some kinky sex.

I'm tired of the one who makes the suggestions as to how I can be more submissive in the relationship, and it's ok for a week or two, then it all seems to slip into a void.

Granted, there aren't many areas that he has carte blanche, but in the areas he does, he's not.

Yeah, yeah... I know that I could take the high road and just keep pursuing my own submissiveness and desires to serve. I'm tired of the one always taking the steps and then not having him follow through. There is some responsiblity in that. I opened the door, not once but on many occasions. All with the same result.

Granted, life does get in the way. I'm grateful that he recognizes I'm beat at the end of the day, but I think that we could still add some ritual somewhere in there.

I'm tired, I need to reconnect and get grounded and centered, but I'm not going to push for it. He knows me well enough and should recognize it by now.

I'm going to stop here... battery is almost dead.

*off to look at some Hitachi Wands*

have a great weekend.

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