Absence makes the heart grow wiser

I was chatting with a very good friend yesterday about blogging, and where to blog and considering the subject matter (d/s related), I thought this forum was the best venue. Which of course brought me to my own blog here (thank God for stored passwords), and well I can't believe it's been a year.

It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.

During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.

Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.

I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.

Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.

The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.

I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.

Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.

But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.

How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.

Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.

I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.

All I had to do was turn the key....

Was it worth the risk?

I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.