A day makes.
Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.
The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.
Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!
Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.
I used to be. Not any more.
I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.
Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.
I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.
So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.
I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.
I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.
The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.
He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.
Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.
I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.
I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.
what beautiful words.
Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.
I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.
To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.
As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.
My god what beautiful words.
A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.
I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.
It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.
(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)
His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.
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