Strictly Emotional

Today is one of those days where just about anything can set me off.  Yes, I think PMS has much to do with it. I can cry at the drop of a pin, and go from zero to bitch in seconds.  There's no rhyme or reason.

Diving into thoughts of my relationship is one of those things that while it will bring me to tears, it soothes at the same time.  I am very overwhelmed today at the depths of my feelings. The cup bubbleth over so to speak.  It's the teary thing.
I didn't think I was capable of such deep love.

I know one person who will tell you otherwise, but he doesn't count we share a brain (figuratively). He'll tell you he knew I was capable, it just had to be born in the hands of the right person.
Okay I'm guessing that's what he'd say.

The clock is ticking. There is much to be done.

I have a HUGE question to ask him...

I honestly don't know what he's going to say.

a lot of 6's

it will be six weeks six days and six hours (give or take) until I will be able to taste my Master's lips again. It's been only a few days since he left on his last trip. So much to do before I and the kids arrive. A new kitchen,  upper deck, master bedroom... as well as the power grid and water lines.

It's so very difficult to cope with.  Communication is very limited- - email only, and that's even spotty. Going from having him accessible 24/7 to basically not at all- - to put it bluntly- - sucks.  I told myself it would be easier this time around, but it's not.

It's harder.

I think when he was gone before- I was somewhat "clouded" last time, for lack of a better term.  I told myself for weeks that it was nothing I couldn't handle.  I was more positive about coping.  This time around, I know what to expect, I know from day one how the longing doesn't ebb, the loneliness can't be quelled, distractions are temporary, and the lack of serving takes its toll.

I struggle not pull further and further away.  Guarding myself against the loneliness and feeling alienated.  In some ways even though the circumstance is unavoidable, I still feel angry with him, abandoned to a certain degree.  Completely unfounded.  Everything he's doing, he's doing for us.  not him, not me, but us.

For our future together.

All of this is known to me, but I still have the feelings of loss. Natural, I know, not fair to him.  Putting on a happy face for him so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that every day I freaking hate it. That it's a struggle just to get up and function, let alone go through each day without hearing his voice or feeling his touch.
Six weeks and six days... I can do this...

Realizations

I can't be reliant on someone... no.... not me.  I can do this...
all.
on.
my.
own.

Yeah, in theory anyway.  History proves this as well.

However...

There's a big difference after you go 24/7 in an M/s relationship. I didn't think there would be, never even gave it a second thought.

Now before you start rolling your eyes and calling me an idjet. I knew there would be changes.  There always is when you start cohabitating with someone.

I'm not talking about those changes.

I'm talking about the subtle slide that accompanies an M/s relationship.  The dependency that's created.  I wasn't expecting it to happen so fast or so strong. That alone tells me, from experience, this power exchange is on the right track.

The Master is away for two more weeks.  Yesterday I had myself a great big pity party (complete with noisemakers and confetti). I don't know that I'm completely over it today, but it's better- the clean-up is a bitch though.  I keep chastising myself at my inability to cope with this, which on some level is helping me from caving into myself. I rationalize from sun rise to sun set.  It's keeping me sane anyway.

At least I think it is.  I know I need to change the mindset. Easier said than done.

Going through the motions.
Day by day.
I'll make it through.
Until the next time.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Spin dry.

Evolution of 'me"

Every now and then I stop and take a look in the mirror.  Once I get past the fact that gravity is indeed a bitch, I stop and ask myself if I am happy with myself.

Now I'm not talking superficial shit.  I take stock in me.  Would I want to be friends with me?  I'm not sure too recently.  Now that my relationship has moved to the next level, I don't connect with friends nearly as often as I did before.  I almost typed as I'd want to, but that statement isn't entirely accurate.  Because I have with me every night, the man, who I've dreamed about falling asleep next to on a daily basis for the last two years.  So my evenings are pretty much otherwise engaged.  I am not online much if at all in the evenings.  When I am, I am sure to catch up, but I feel like I'm short changing one or the other.  If I'm yapping with Jay then I'm not paying attention to the Master (not that he's requiring I pay attention).  It's just divided time. Plus when I start yapping with Jay, neither one of us leaves until the other is ready to pass out.  That's just the way that it is, and I like it that way don'tcha know.

I know when there are new relationships old relationships change, that's just the way that it is as well.  I'm both a recipient and deliverer of said changes.  I don't hang out with the bff near as much now that her family dynamic has changed.  I don't want to intrude on their time.  I'm okay with that, really I am.  But it's a casual drifting away from each other as well.  I feel like if I am not the one pushing for contact we'd just end up casual neighbors.  Which is sad to me, but not unexpected either.  Her man is intimidated by mine, and mine doesn't have much use for people who aren't always on the up and up.

Our lives are moving in entirely different directions.  I'm moving forward and looking toward kids growing and leaving, moving out of here, and retiring, whereas she's building a family all over again.  New beginnings for her, but different beginnings.  A year ago we were planning camping trips together, now she'll be tied down again and broke.

That's okay too....

Is it selfish of me to want to move away from that?  I don't want to be bogged down in the day to day life and times of baby raising.  I am past the half way marker and I'm not turning back. (I will not talk about the grandmother thing, but I won't be raising that generation (God willing)).  There was a time when I would have gone all "gaga" over her babies, and wanted to know each and every detail, but while I am interested, I don't really care all that much.

I am finding myself reading blogs I used to read with interest- now calling bullshit or rolling my eyes at the farce in which they claim to be submissive in their relationships. One is a manipulating bitch who does nothing except top from the bottom, and he obviously is no better because he allows it.  The other is clueless about what a dominant really is, but calls her flop of a man Master.

I am at a low tolerance threshold again.  Not that my way is the only way, but I get so tired of these hypocrite cry babies whining and the idiots who do nothing but pacify them.  No, I will not comment, I won't create a puppet account and rail on their asses either.  So I withdraw a bit further and crawl into the dynamic that works so well for me.  Which I suppose someone else could look at and say I'm doing it all wrong.

There is no right or wrong answer.

While everything is going so very right in my house, I am trying not to feel superior.  Truly I am not. I don't have to entertain what doesn't work for me. I have reached that point in my life where I don't have to engage in that to which I have no interest simply for the sake of pleasantries.

Would I want to be friends with me right now?

Nope.

That's okay. Different places, different spaces.

I understand me and know I don't have time, or want to make the time, so I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I'm good with that.

So the list of those in the inner sanctum grows smaller still.  I'm good with that.  Weeding. It's good for the soul.

I'm sorry if I haven't been as good a friend as I should be to those that really matter.