Friday, July 15, 2011

Going through the motions

That's all I seem to be doing today. I'm getting things accomplished, back on track with work and home, but there's an emptiness that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it.

I had almost two full weeks with Jefe. He's recuperating from surgery and I was more than eager to jump at the chance to be by his side while I could.

It was an interesting dynamic, him needing the help and me being in the 'area of control'. I didn't quite see it that way though. While I did what I do best, cater and ensure his comfort and health were seen to, I didn't feel that I was the one in control. I served his needs, offered some suggestions, recommended certain therapeutic remedies (no not sex), but even in the midst of his pain- - he was. There was never a doubt in my mind.

It was a different train of thought for me. Normally when someone I care about is ill in some way- it's a do this or that and I go into my natural (or unnatural depending upon your point of view) take charge mode.

I don't do that with him. It's odd. I go completely against everything else that I normally do, and just 'be' for him. There's no protocol in place for me to do that. I don't have to drop my clothes at the door, immediately fall to my knees. It's just a natural state of submissiveness for me. I'm perfectly comfortable just following his lead, or like with the last two weeks taking the latitudes he gave me given the situation to care for him.

I'm missing that today. My days were full of him, literally surrounding myself with him and his comfort, and today I have nothing. I'm not dropping like I thought I would. I just feel empty. I want to pour out a long email gushing with emotion, but he's dealing with this as well... why make it worse for him?

I brought home my collar this time. I don't usually. He understood that it will make things easier for me to be away from him this time.

I don't know when I'll be going back. It's back to school time around here, so I'm busy with that, and he may have the opportunity for some R&R at the shore, that would really help his recovery process. While it's certainly not a collar that I could wear in mixed company. I keep it close and I'm comforted by just touching it from time to time.

I feel guilty that I'm not there, by his side. I drive to his place and I feel like I'm coming home, and this place is just where I need to be for now.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Strange drop

Jefe had his surgery for his back on Friday. I made an executive decision, without consulting him, and made the trek up north to be at his side. He called me first thing in the morning, left me two texts, but I didn't answer him back, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

I felt bad, because he said in his last message that he was hoping to talk to me before he went in, but it wasn't to be. However, when his mom brought me back into the pre-op room, the initial look of shock and subsequent smile, made it all worth while. Thankfully his surgery was later than expected so I was able to spend a good hour with him before he went under. I don't know if or how much extra peace it gave him, but I'd like to think it did.

It was where I needed to be, at his side, and at his side was where I was.

He mentioned a few times (and not always while doped up either haha) that it was a nice surprise, or he was glad I was there.

Each time he said it, I almost brushed it off, like I tend to do when he thanks me for something, but I'm learning to stop and say you're welcome, instead of being nonchalant.

I must admit, I thought my heart would overflow and burst with joy each time he took my hand, or I was there to see to his needs.

I didn't stay overnight. I had things to do here... get the kids ready for their annual trip to see the other grandparents (they leave tomorrow), get food for the remaining spawn, etc. I'm heading back up north to be with him for the next 10 days. His mom will leave once I get there. Last night she thought to call me and give me an update because he crashed. She reiterated how glad they both were that I came up, and that it meant a lot to both of them.

I'm glad.

It left me with a gaping hole yesterday though. It was like a drop of a different kind. I felt a little lost, and today isn't much better. It's a bad mix of not being with him and my babies leaving. It's the crawl in a hole type of morning.

The experience has opened up that can of worms about unanswered questions again. Is it harder for him to admit what he's feeling than it was for me? Or, God forbid, maybe he just doesn't feel that way. I always have to leave myself open to that possibility.

I'm getting to the point, though, where I need to have that discussion because I feel the walls building... ever so slowly, and generally when we're not together. Of course, it's when we're not together that I don't feel 'him'.

There was a song back in the 90's... wow yeah way back then. I can't remember the artist now, but it was a rock ballad. Something about love and showing how you feel and the words don't make it real... OH! I found it... Extreme was the artist... More than words is the song.

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

Sometimes though, you just need to hear it.

I wonder if he wonders at times, why I haven't begged for my permanent collar. He told me months ago that I would need to beg, and I haven't.

Sometimes I wonder how I can feel owned, or know he's my Master, and trust him the way that I do, without having heard how he feels about me. Then I sit and question myself, do I really need to hear it? Yes. I do. I want to know the depths of what he's feeling.

Then I second guess myself again. We've had discussions about what a collar means, and unless he was just blowing smoke up my ass, he takes that meaning seriously. It's not something to 'play' around with. Well outside of play that is.

I've answered my own questions, many times over in my head. I'm just being stubborn.