We all have them, for words, for actions, for just about everything in life. We define things, whether it's by parameters, or actual meanings we as humans live by definitions.
As we live and grow and learn our definitions of life change over time, some things expand, some things contract, and some things (ideals) disappear. Reality has a way of molding and shifting things.
It's those definitions and parameters that define who we are, and in this ever changing world, hopefully help us in finding someone who also has similar definitions and parameters. What happens though when one of those definitions/parameters is not welcomed by another party? Do you become the chameleon and adapt to the new environment to please yourself of course. You tell yourself that changing is better for the relationship, you convince yourself that you are the one deciding to change. In reality, unless the behavior is self destructive i.e. drugs, alcohol, addictions, before making a change sit down and discuss why the request is even being proffered.
I say this because recently I had a friend who became irritated with my involvement in erotica and erotic sites, and basically my online involvement in general. Now, none of this was a surprise to him, I'm up front about my online activities (I met him on a fetish site besides!!). But my behavior online (which has all but disappeared) became too much. So I made the decision to change it, for the sake of salvaging the relationship.
I realized that while some of my behavior did need to change, not all of it did. If I care to blog about work, family or whatever, that's my business. His "definitions" clearly interfered with mine. How much was I willing to 'give up'?
He ended up solving the conflict by leaving the relationship. Whether I left the online realm or not, he couldn't come to terms as erotica as a part of my life. His loss.
The question of parameters and definitions still holds though, how much was I willing to give up? The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't comfortable with the parameters. There are parts of my online life that I enjoy. I write erotica so spending time on erotic sites not only is a learning experience, but at times also provides inspiration for a new story, or a scene in a current novel.
I have online friends. Now I'm not talking about the 200 person IM list that I once had. I mean five friends that I consider closer than family most times. I would not give them up. I've known them for years, and won't give them up for anything or anyone.
I almost felt like there was some isolation going on. I can't win lol. The first one couldn't let me talk to people without him butting in, and this one only wanted me to converse with certain people. Female was ok it seemed.
So what parameters are up for discussion with you?
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Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteIt is unfair and wrong for another human being to force their own values and expectations on you. We are all different for a reason, coming from different backgrounds with different past experiences, good and bad, that ultimately shaped who we are today. How could I expect you to see something the same way I do when we are different people from different places?
My girlfriend and I are both open-minded and love one another. But there are things about my past, things I still struggle with, that she cannot possibly understand. If two people are in a relationship, both parties must learn to accept the other, deficincies and all, especially if they were present before the two parties met.
There must always be room for negotiation, give and take. But I believe that's more reserved for what's for dinner. Or what movie to rent. Or who takes out the trash. Unless the parameter is self-damaging, like a heroin addiction, I do not feel it's wrong for two connected people to have different struggles in different places without a unifying parameter.
Your friend telling you not to have an online life in regards to erotica would be like you telling him not to masturbate. How fair would that be?