Thursday, August 23, 2012


I thrive on feedback.  I don't care to hear the "constructive" feedback most times (I don't think many of us do), but I try to keep an open mind and really listen to what's being said.  However, I also must have some semblance of respect for the individual providing said feedback.  

Now when Jefe takes me into feedback mode, there are times, like a couple of weeks ago when I do get all defensive and don't "hear" what he has to say.  A few days after that communication mishap we had another talk regarding the same subject, and this time what he was saying made complete sense, and as such the assignment then made sense.

Those few days before that conversation were not fun though.  I floundered for a bit, feeling misunderstood and emotional, and not wanting to interfere in what he had going on by asking to talk.  So I did what I do well, and wrote out what was going on in my head.  The end result lifted a weight from my shoulders, and unfortunately added weight to his.  Which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless.

He felt the burden of the angst he felt he caused, which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless. He doesn't take those things lightly, but we didn't let it draw out.  Within a single conversation- we were back on the same wavelength. 

I'm learning that I can't keep those angst moments buried, they fester over time- even if I can dismiss them for awhile, something else will trigger the emotion then there's more piled on.  So while the first assignment wasn't what he was looking for, it did open a few different doors for the both of us- let him in.

We're moving forward with the cohabitation plans. It's scary as hell.  Maybe it's age and the hopeful wisdom that comes with it, but living together isn't as foot loose and fancy free as I thought it to be back in my 20's.  It's been almost a decade since I've lived with someone, well except for that 5 month stint with the ex D, but that wasn't ever looked at as a life long journey- I told him more than once that when he was back on his feet he would get his own place. We just never made it anywhere near that finish line.

So this time it's different, I WANT this to work more than I ever thought possible. We talk in life terms. He is looking at this through the same glass I am.

This is it.

This is what the universe gave to each of us. We don't treat that lightly.

It's going to be hard.

It'd going to be damned hard.

But we both want it.

I'll need to come back to this blog from time to time, I'm sure.

Have patience with me, buckle up and hold on tight.

I am.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Introspection time

Yes, it's been awhile, and probably for good reason... too much external shit going on to keep me from looking within.

Had a health crisis back in July with one of the kids, she's fine, but it gave me about a 30 second vacation with Master.  That did nothing for our togetherness, however it did solidify that this distance thing is no longer tolerable and we've, or rather he's reached a decision about who's moving where. So we're now immersed in moving plans.  A huge adjustment to be made by all parties.

Then real life commenced and it's been a whirlwind since.  I also officially got divorced after 8 years of  total separation (I haven't seen him in those 8 years, literally), and got somewhat screwed over in the hearing (child support) and have felt rather raw for the last 24 because of it.

Tonight we were having a light hearted discussion, and he picked up on let's call it an idiosyncrasy that I have about deep seeded desires and what I call sticking my foot in my mouth.  I don't do it intentionally, but he's picked up on it.

So I now have an assignment to dig into that.  I got very emotional when he brought it up. I think it was a cumulation of missing him, feeling screwed over, somewhat judged by the judged.  I just felt completely misunderstood.

I try very hard not to let the ghosts of the past resurface, but tonight they came back in full force.  I felt completely inadequate and flawed.  Of course I also reason this to my infernal need to be as close to perfect that I can be for Master.  He, of course, stressed that he was not displeased, angered, or upset, but I told him that being on the "one who pleases" side of the fence, it's hard NOT to take such things to heart.

I KNOW I'm not perfect, far from it.  I am human, but the slave part of me wants to be perfect and it's a hard time reconciling the difference. He said I shut down after he made the observation.  I did, not because I was being a bitch, but because a plethora of thoughts were swirling through my head.  I wasn't being passive/aggressive, wasn't trying to disguise anything intentionally.  I felt like the fly caught in the spider web and completely by accident.  I felt like I did something wrong, was doing something wrong and it didn't sit well.

So I have to think about this particular idiciosyncrasy and write about it.

More introspection, more vulnerability... it's a hard week to deliver vulnerable.  I understand it, but delivering an honest non defensive answer is going to be hard.  We're going to talk more on it tomorrow.  I don't think he expected me to be as emotional as I was, nor did I.  I call it a chick moment.

I wanted to fire back at him, but you don't have to open up to the same degree as I do, you don't see how a critique comes off as a criticism, a flaw, but I didn't, because it would serve no purpose.  This is the station I freely chose to give.  I didn't give it pending my agreement to certain aspects.  It took me a long time to find someone worthy ( and I don't say that conceitedly) of my servitude.

As he noted tonight, perfect would be boring.

It would be nice though, to think I'm more than halfway there *smiles weakly*