Friday, September 14, 2012

Coming to grips

I had a long talk with Jefe today. Earlier this morning he asked if I was coming up, but I told him no, I was being fiscally conservative.  Gas for two weekends in a row would be a tremendous amount of money for my gas hog.  a HUGE amount.

So we had a delicious phone sex session, but both agreed that it fucking sucks, and we're tired of it.

So an hour later, I took my fiscal conservativeness and tossed it out the window. Called him and said I was coming up, had a few things to do, but hoped to be on the road within the hour.

Got my few things done, tossed some stuff in a bag and was ten minutes late out the door.  Just as I started the truck the phone rang.  It was Master, of course, he was reconsidering the impromptu visit. Agreed with my initial fiscal frugality (something rare for me).

So this blog isn't me whining that I'm not seeing him this weekend, although I could turn it into that easily. I told him I was past my threshold to touch him.

No this blog is about him opening up the door even more.

I got a glimpse inside during our hour long discussion about the back and forth of making the trek.

I listened to his words carefully.

I heard the reconciliation in his voice. He's going places emotionally he swore he would never do again.

He verbalized the trust he has in me, in us. Which I already know, but sometimes hearing it...

Especially during a discussion.

Not pillow talk.

During a frank, deep discussion.

Admitting the things he's trying to figure out, work out internally, rationalize.

He never thought he'd be here again.

Here he is.

Here I am.

Coming to grips with it all.

It's the best place to be.  Being somewhere you never thought you'd be, and knowing it's better than you ever thought it would.

Thursday, September 6, 2012


I had a five day weekend with Jefe this past weekend.  Lord knows it wasn't enough. No phones, no kids, no bills, no chores, no horns, no music... we were backpacking in the wilderness- - he brought me deep into his world. The world he's lived in for 20 years.  His life, his passion.  It was most gratifying.  Better yet, I thoroughly enjoyed it!  I'm a pampered city girl to the naked eye, but not afraid of hard physical labor.  So getting sweaty dirty doesn't phase me in the least.

But getting sweaty dirty isn't what this blog is about.  It's about, well who knows, I'm not even sure.  I don't even have a title for it yet.

It's about being close.  The normal every day relationship closeness that draws two people together. It's not about a power exchange dynamic, dominance and submission, or Master and slave.  It's about two human beings realizing that the search is over.

It's about recognizing compromises, and realizing that altering plans isn't a detriment, it's an enhancement of goals.

Coming to the realization that you can't live without the other person for the rest of your life.  It's that split second moment where the odds don't matter, you'll do what it takes, move heaven and earth just to be with that person.

It's about opening up, laying out the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the vision, it's exposing the deeper layers, having those tough discussions, coming to conclusions, creating a plan, and moving forward. There's always talk about trust in an M/s relationship, the innate trust that a slave or submissive has in their Master/Dominant, but the trust has to go both ways.

Building a life together is testament of that trust, it's not trust in the moment- it's trust for the long term.  It's knowing that person is going to be by your side, or attempt to (gotta insert reality here) for decades to come. It's WANTING that person to be by your side for the decades to come.

We had no other entertainment besides our own company for all that time.  It was never dull, it was never lacking, sometimes it was quiet- a comfortable quiet, a peaceful groove into each other with each other.

It's knowing that person isn't everything, but everything that counts.

It's knowing the the person that means the world to you, thinks the world OF you.

I found that, cherish it, relish in it. No, let me rephrase WE found that.  We've acknowledged it, embrace it, and within a few scant weeks will be living it together.  No longer his and hers, but ours.

The long drive will be for when we want to get away and be alone, not made by one, but by both- together.

I'm ready.

It will be harder than hard.

It will be worth every moment.

One day we will sit on our porch in our rocking chairs, looking over the beautiful landscape and know it was worth every moment.