Wednesday, June 27, 2012

What love means

Defining moments.

I bought a card for Jefe yesterday.  We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.

I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.

It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do.  I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.

I've shown him, and he likewise what love means.  It doesn't mean empty words.  It doesn't mean empty promises.

It means doing and being your best for another person.  It means putting aside and learning anew.  It means taking steps you never thought possible. It means giving of self.

Giving of self.

What a difference life makes when both sides are playing the same game.

I knew it could be like this.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Sobering statistics

I had "divorce class" last week.  The mandatory parenting class for anyone divorcing with minor children.  After 8 years of separation and NO contact, most of the information wasn't pertinent.  However, I did get some good reminders and was glad I approached the evening with an open mind.

At one point, the instructor tossed out some statistics about remarriages.

75% second marriages fail

85% of third marriages fail.

NOT that I'm planning or remotely hoping for a third try at this, but the M/s dynamic is or can be a similar pact.

That figure terrifies me.  It doesn't take a marriage certificate to make a relationship work, but it sometimes makes it worth hanging on to to make it work.  Make sense?

As Jefe and make plans to merge our households (not sure how that looks yet), I fear that I will be part of that 85%.  Baggage aside, I have kids, he doesn't.  I have teens, he doesn't.  That kind of stress is going to be huge on us.  I have no doubt that if it was just the two of us, we'd make it through anything.  We are just that good together.

But now I'm scared to death to become a statistic, and I can't wait another 8 years to live under the same roof. Yeah, yeah, there's the 15% that do work, I don't live in that world, never have, probably never will.

Sometimes you just have to wonder... is love enough?

Saturday, June 9, 2012


in a d/s dynamic, it usually appears such that it's the s type who makes all, or most of the sacrifices.  In an outward appearance. This may be so, but the lifestyle I CHOOSE to lead, what is given up is hardly a sacrifice.

Autonomy is the hardest I think, though.  I'm used to making all the decisions, and now not so much.  Many of the decisions rest totally with him, where I'm concerned anyway.  Not so much with the kids, as we're not a single household yet, kids and and decision making is totally my domain.  Granted I get opinions, but the decisions ultimately are mine.

So we're at a crux right now. A HUGE one.  We've had enough of this blasted distance.  We're both tired of sleeping alone, saying goodbye, and relying on technology for day to day communication.  As far as distance relationships, we're lucky- it's just a car ride to see each other.  Still, that ride isn't right around the corner, so it limits us to weekends, which I know some of you out there would kill to have that close proximity.  Nothing is ever quite the way we want it to be.

So the Master is the one with the property and land.  I'm the one with the brood and the excellent paying job (which I cannot keep or find in his neck of the woods).  Who's going to move?  We go back and forth with the decision.  Each of us has a valid reason to stay where we are and have the other make the move.

I told him this morning that I feel selfish for even asking him to consider making the move.  He wouldn't have to sell anything, but he wouldn't have the satisfaction of finally living in the abode he's built with his own two hands, and he's getting very close to living that dream.

In a previous relationship, him moving was the only option- - he had nothing anyway, so was moving toward something he coveted- a home in which he could be king (insert gagging reference here).  We all know that didn't work out, but there was something different about that dynamic.  Maybe it's because I never really felt any dominance from him.  Maybe it's because I was a bitch and pushed back on mostly everything that didn't "work for me".

I just feel very strange asking the Master to make the move, so I can stay in my comfort zone, and the kids can too. He's not asking me to make the move either.  We just keep going in this circle, because any way you look at it something major is going to happen.  Those decisions can't be made on a whim.  If it was just me... I'd be gone already, but it's not.  THAT and fitting all of us at his place is NOT going to be easy.  We'd have to endure 4 years until the first one moves out.

Not to mention the tears and protests that are going to follow if the final decision is I go.  They will go where I do however, that is not an option.

I really don't want to move right now.  I'd be uprooting everyone, cleaning house and leaving the home, and job that provide my family's well being, and what if it doesn't work out... then I have nothing. I want a guarantee that we can sustain being a family for at least the next 8 years.  I have to get the kids to 18.  They can be on their own, and I'll figure out what to do with me.  I'm resilient, I'll survive anything, but I need them to feel stability.

It would be so much easier for him to make the move here, but ask someone to give up a dream?  How can I do that?  How long until the resentment kicks in?

Monday, June 4, 2012

It's the little things

I think we take for granted, the little things.  We expect words instead of paying attention to acts.  We look for the opulence instead of the intent.

Actions do speak louder than words. A single picked wildflower can mean more than a dozen of the most beautiful ruby red roses at the flower shop.

I was reminded of this the other day.

I needed the reminder.