A new release

I'm doing something I never thought I would.

I've become addicted to a video game. *sigh*

Jefe was playing it on the x-box, and he just happened to have the same game for PC.

*sigh*

I made the mistake of loading it yesterday morning.

*sigh*

I'm not even going to share how many hours I've spent on the damned game since.

I can't run the game and the yahoo messenger at the same time.

Which means no yapping with my male mirror image (otherwise known as my writing partner, confidante, and best damned friend a person could have, well aside of his wife :D)

I hope he understands *grins*

Now back to my quest!!!

I can blame it all on Jefe.... he's a level 17, I just graduated to level 2!!  sheesh.

Putting the foot down

On the gas pedal *grins*.  Bet you weren't expecting that.  It's been an interesting week.  A week ago, he was here, lifting himself up and out of his void and being a welcomed part of my zoo.

We both needed that immensely.

Less than 48 hours after we parted, we were together again.  What a weekend it was.  Both of us on the same page, working side by side with menial chores, sharing our coveted power exchange, living and breathing as if we were one and the same.

Because we were.

There are things that come into play, without words that solidify intent. The dreams we have, and how we want the future to evolve.

Screw time.

It will be ticking whether we want it to or not.

Each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

I have some more thinking to do.

During the course of the weekend, he put forth some scenes that stopped me dead in my tracks. Then later I casually tossed out something to the effect of not admitting that it did titillate me.  So I had to write about why I didn't admit it in the first place- to the one person I'm supposed to divulge things to.

While I was writing, I had an epiphany regarding said behavior.  I now have to elaborate (at my request) on that specific topic.

Free-will.

Sounds easy to write about doesn't it?

Not so easy when one is trying so diligently to give up said will.  It doesn't mean doormat or bobble-head.  Of that I am certain, but it is nagging at me to figure out why I'm still clinging to it.  Especially in regards to admitting to him what does and does not send a shiver down my spine.

So, full steam ahead, pedal to the metal, I'm diving into my head again.

Stay tuned...

Raw

This past week was one of great stress.  I  have been an unhappy servant (not sure what I am today, so servant will do) .  We're both sitting in a 'bad' place.  We want nothing more than to be in the same place, but life and circumstances are keeping us from that opportunity.

What makes it more difficult is that we're both problem solvers, and when we see something that needs doing, we do.  In this instance, we both feel helpless to make it happen.

While the move wouldn't be earth-shattering, it would mean I leave my job, the kids leave their schools and a complete change in how they live.

I love country living myself, but this would be beyond a culture shock.  This is living off the land kind of living, not churning our own butter, but learning how NOT to live is a better term.

I'm contemplating how I can make this work, short of having a 400 mile daily commute, I'm not sure how, but in the scheme of things that seems like a small concession.  Time will tell, but we do have to work toward something.

Baby Steps

He's letting me in finally. Nothing he revealed was anything I didn't already know, but the point was he's letting me in.  Recognizing the need to do that is half the battle, feeling confident in your partner to be receptive is the other half.

He conquered both yesterday.  Tomorrow he may retreat, but yesterday he conquered a battle.

That's what counts.

It's going to be a tough road ahead of us, tougher than the entire last year was.  I'm trying not to withdraw into a little shell in fear of being heartbroken, but unless something drastic changes in our living arrangements, I really don't see how this can survive.  It's not enough for either one of us and how long can you pretend that it works until there's just nothing left but excuses for missed visits, less communication, and then finally resentment.

Now there is a chance, and that's the one I'm pulling for (notice the cheerleader get up) that we will make it through.  Lord knows we're both trying, neither one of us want to give up this once in a lifetime special relationship that we both recognize for what it is.

Sometimes the writing is on the wall, the font may vary.

A strange thing...

Only worked a half day in the office today. The plan was to escape and come home to finish up some things that have fallen by the wayside because of the large amount of time spent in testing mode for the past few weeks.

I managed to get one of those tasks done to my satisfaction, and tomorrow is a work from home day, so hopefully I'll clear the larger one off my plate with a new day and full day with no distractions.

I just got the strangest phone call.

If y'all remember, the kids and I went to the Ren Fair on Monday. There was a vendor there selling his photographs. Beautiful landscapes of various spots in AZ. Absolutely incredible. I wandered through his space, made small talk with him, asked if he had a website, blah blah blah.

I wasn't going to make an impulse purchase, until I came across this one work. It simply grabbed me, I had to have it.

So I bought it and it is now hanging above my bed.

During the transaction, I used my debit card, so he had to get the pertinent info in case something didn't go through.

So he just called, not to see if I liked the photo, but to ask if I was married. 

I was dumbfounded. I told him I was in a relationship and was flattered that he made a call to ask. 

The blonde was in my room and she had all she could do not to burst out laughing.

I don't believe something like that has ever happened to me in this manner before.

I have to go across the street and tell the bff.

too funny

Continuation

I've done much reflecting since my post the other night. There hasn't been much of a change in his behavior, although we did have a good talk yesterday.  Today I sent off an email, posing my questions and response to our conversation. I voiced my opinion and let him know I was struggling with some concepts.

I acknowledge that my behavior is bordering on childish, and I'm doing much much thinking on and about it.  I've come to a few conclusions today.  Servitude, while voluntary, stretches beyond the daily obvious and into the sublime.  It's easy to react/respond, but as a submissive/slave it's not always easy to take the initiative.  Mindset for me is key, and I let it fall by the wayside when we go through the ebb tide in the relationship.

Key words there "I let it fall by the wayside".

It's not up to him to keep me in what I call my serving space.  Keeping myself there is not as easy as it would seem.

In my head a power exchange can't be present if only one person is or appears to be working at it full time.  I'm also letting ego get in my way, and digging my heels in (wrongly) because I "feel" like I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I'm letting my pride get in the way. Pride and ego are two things that can harm the M/s dynamic. When I take pride in serving him and pleasing him, that's one thing.  But to be holding back from him because of pride and ego- that's entirely another.

I'm owned, willingly and voluntarily, so when did it evolve that I am the one to decide how much attention I deserve?

I understand what's going on with him, why he goes silent, what's on his plate in recent weeks.  I need to get past this notion that I have this independent self that is rearing her Domme head and stomping her feet for attention, or trying to justify why I am not behaving a certain way.

It's not so easy to give up one's self when one is feeling selfish.

nothing to stop it

Most of what I write here these days is when I am agst'ng about my relationship.  I don't mean to bore anyone, but this is one place I can vent.

He really pissed me off today, actually he's been gradually upping the pissed of factor steadily over the last two weeks.  I didn't get disrespectful, I kept my cool, but did reply to a message with a single "fine".

We haven't spoken since.

Every relationship has ups and downs, and I don't write nearly enough about all the ups we have. There are plenty of those.

These last two weeks are testing every ounce of sub patience I have.  I'm not putting any extra effort into the dynamic, taking a very dominant attitude if you ask me.

I realize this, but am doing nothing to stop it.

I know it's wrong, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

I'm supposed to be pleasing, that's what a slave is supposed to do, right?  I'm not acting slavish.  I don't think he's acting very Master-ish either. I'm not trying to be manipulating, or topping from the bottom.  I'm simply not putting any extra effort, because quite frankly, I don't think he is either.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

We'll get through it, and I'll probably have some sore flesh over my actions.

And I'll be doing nothing to stop it.  I won't try and escape, plead, bargain, or manipulate.

I'm not consciously or unconsciously asking for a punishment.  I HATE his punishments, they are not fun whatsoever. Right now, noticing the behavior is off would be a step up.

I know all about communication, and how it's key.  It's not about not being able to communicate.  Sometimes it just takes awhile to gather the thoughts

Cycles

Well it was not the beginning of the end.  I may have been at my wits end back then, but as we all know everything comes in cycles, ebbs/flows etc. It's part of life, taking the good with the bad. It also helps when one understands what's going on during those ebb periods.

Feeling left in the dark can be very frustrating, even when you know it will pass. Doesn't make it any less to deal with at that time.

It's a new year, and I'm sure some things won't change.  I'll probably continue to air my frustrations out here, because I can.  It's not that I can't/won't share them with him, this just gives me an opportunity to blow off the steam, or just vent.  It helps me put things into perspective so I approach him rationally.

Much of what I'm experiencing is new, the dynamic is new, or should I say this deep of a dynamic.  I've never released the slave in me before.  Never trusted someone deep enough to withdraw my limits, and mean it when I use the term Master.

We may not be a conventional "hand everything over" M/s couple, but the control that has been given has been freely accepted with new boundaries examined frequently.

I don't regret giving him the power, I don't see him through rose colored glasses (just in case you haven't read previous blogs), I am first human, second a woman, third his slave (somewhere in there is mother, worker, friend, daughter etc.).  I would be lying if I considered myself to be his slave above and beyond anything else I am.  It's a fine line though, learning what clicks and what doesn't.

I'm learning how the M/s dynamic meshes with the parent dynamic.  That is very difficult for me.  One I'm struggling with actually.  He doesn't have children, so it's a learning curve for both of us. I'm always on guard, but sometimes maybe too much so it feels like sometimes.

I guess I need to do some more thinking on that.

Beginning of the end?

It feels like dread this week.  Silence is not always golden.

I feel like I'm being punished for something I had no control over.  It wasn't my actions that brought this hell storm upon us.

I thought I was the bigger person for moving forward and leaving the whole thing behind us.

I guess I was wrong.

It seems pretty obvious that only one of us is really vested in this dynamic, and it's not you.

So first a slap in the face, now a kick in the ass?

Is that the way it's going to be?

Ok then, that's the way it is.

Rough Week

I'm feeling lost this week. Communication is like pulling teeth, and I don't know specifically why.  I know things still aren't the way he wants them to be, on many levels.  The time we spend together is never enough, but it's all I have so I cling to it.

I know it wouldn't be this way if we were 24/7, but there's nothing I can do about it now, and for the foreseeable future- - he knows it too.

So why do I feel like I should be doing something about it?

Why do I feel guilty because I'm still this far away?

Why do I feel like if I simply stopped- he would be fine with it/?

I'm being irrational, and I know this.  Yet I find I can't shake this uneasiness.

I don't doubt him, maybe I am on the surface, but if he wanted to end it, he would do so.  He doesn't hem and haw or beat around the bush.

I don't think there's someone else.  He's been on the receiving end of that, and it's just not in his nature.

Or is that what I want to believe?

I'm full of doubt, fear, uncertainty.  I'm not sure how to approach it either.

Deep Sighs

I've been doing a lot of that lately. It seems like the universe is testing my patience in more ways than one.

Nothing earth shattering, but trying nonetheless.

I got to post a personal blog at the other place over the weekend. When I mean personal, I mean descriptive. I generally don't do that. I tend to skate over things, give generalities, but I only get descriptive and explicit when I'm writing stories. Then all bets are off, one of my characters can give a three page blow job, but have me write about a personal experience and I could take a three hour scene and reduce it to a single paragraph, probably two.

I get to visit this weekend, just me, just him. For the last month we've had kids surrounding us, which hasn't left us celibate, but yanno.... none of the real good stuffs.

I'm having minor surgery tomorrow morning. It is minor, I'll be under general anesthesia though, so there's a part of me that is still nervous, and anxious for the outcome as well.

I wish he could come down tonight, I really would like to be wrapped in his strength today and tonight.

So I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and trying to be nonchalant, but I'd prefer just shutting my door until tomorrow is done.

Emotionally needy

I'm torturing myself today. I had him to spoil for nearly five days before he had to go back home. I've been very emotional since he said he was leaving. It's not like I thought he would stay forever, but a few more days would have been nice.

But he had to go back, just like I have to come back every time I'm up there.

We had a few long talks over the weekend, about something and nothing. He would like to find a job that has him traveling- - like he used to. From what I gather he'd be gone for months at a time. At one time I would have thought that was the ideal relationship, now I'm not so sure.

I long for him, I crave him. I haven't felt that toward another human being in over 20 years. And back then I had no idea what d/s was, that guy was the 'one that got away'. I've pined over him ever since. Not in a "I want him back" kind of way, but a what if kind of way.

Anyway, I digress.

Of course, should he land a job like that, and we make the decision to stay together, I will cope.

It does give a person much to think about though.

I thought we crossed this bridge

Back to the silence.

I know he's dealing with a lot of shit, but hey who isn't on some level.

I thought we cleared that debris a couple months ago.

I guess not.

*sigh*

Sanity

It's been a long while, life has been more than busy, both work, family and Him. His injury finally required surgery, and thankfully I had some time off and was able to be with him non stop during the first part of his recovery.

Ten days is a long time to spend with someone non stop, well except for 2 hours in which I had to run errands for both he and I. In the past, I was in an LDR and after 2 days I was looking for an escape hatch. When he lived closer, a weekend every other weekend was quite long enough.

Shit, I would go on dates in the last couple of years and have a self imposed curfew. Always a way out.

Not so any more. Leaving after those 10 days was excruciating. This past weekend was my first back there in two weeks, and again, leaving is heart wrenching.

I've taken to asking if I can bring my collar back home with me. It's made the separation tolerable, or as tolerable as it can be.

I'm hesitant to bring up an every day collar, because he's still very limited in what he can/can't do around the house, and his creativity has been put on hold- so making something or buying something seems a bit of an imposition to ask of him.

I wrote in another blog elsewhere that the fact he is mine and I am his brings forth this overwhelming sense of emotion, gratitude, pride, awe, amazement, love, desire, and determination.

I never really cared whether I lived up to someone's expectations, I am me this is it, take it or leave it. I find that as I'm helping him around the house, doing something in the yard, I want and strive for perfection. I want to be nothing but in his eyes.

I hate it when I fall short of my own expectations. There's no such thing as perfection. He's not perfect either. Do we seem to fit perfectly together? Yes, I'd say we do.

I'm not so blinded by my admiration of the man that I can't see him in all of his faults, strengths, and needs improvement (haha). As humans we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever growing. He, even though he is my dominant, my master, my owner- is no different.

It is the whole picture of the man- that is mine.

Going through the motions

That's all I seem to be doing today. I'm getting things accomplished, back on track with work and home, but there's an emptiness that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it.

I had almost two full weeks with Jefe. He's recuperating from surgery and I was more than eager to jump at the chance to be by his side while I could.

It was an interesting dynamic, him needing the help and me being in the 'area of control'. I didn't quite see it that way though. While I did what I do best, cater and ensure his comfort and health were seen to, I didn't feel that I was the one in control. I served his needs, offered some suggestions, recommended certain therapeutic remedies (no not sex), but even in the midst of his pain- - he was. There was never a doubt in my mind.

It was a different train of thought for me. Normally when someone I care about is ill in some way- it's a do this or that and I go into my natural (or unnatural depending upon your point of view) take charge mode.

I don't do that with him. It's odd. I go completely against everything else that I normally do, and just 'be' for him. There's no protocol in place for me to do that. I don't have to drop my clothes at the door, immediately fall to my knees. It's just a natural state of submissiveness for me. I'm perfectly comfortable just following his lead, or like with the last two weeks taking the latitudes he gave me given the situation to care for him.

I'm missing that today. My days were full of him, literally surrounding myself with him and his comfort, and today I have nothing. I'm not dropping like I thought I would. I just feel empty. I want to pour out a long email gushing with emotion, but he's dealing with this as well... why make it worse for him?

I brought home my collar this time. I don't usually. He understood that it will make things easier for me to be away from him this time.

I don't know when I'll be going back. It's back to school time around here, so I'm busy with that, and he may have the opportunity for some R&R at the shore, that would really help his recovery process. While it's certainly not a collar that I could wear in mixed company. I keep it close and I'm comforted by just touching it from time to time.

I feel guilty that I'm not there, by his side. I drive to his place and I feel like I'm coming home, and this place is just where I need to be for now.