Sunday, April 14, 2013

a lot of 6's

it will be six weeks six days and six hours (give or take) until I will be able to taste my Master's lips again. It's been only a few days since he left on his last trip. So much to do before I and the kids arrive. A new kitchen,  upper deck, master bedroom... as well as the power grid and water lines.

It's so very difficult to cope with.  Communication is very limited- - email only, and that's even spotty. Going from having him accessible 24/7 to basically not at all- - to put it bluntly- - sucks.  I told myself it would be easier this time around, but it's not.

It's harder.

I think when he was gone before- I was somewhat "clouded" last time, for lack of a better term.  I told myself for weeks that it was nothing I couldn't handle.  I was more positive about coping.  This time around, I know what to expect, I know from day one how the longing doesn't ebb, the loneliness can't be quelled, distractions are temporary, and the lack of serving takes its toll.

I struggle not pull further and further away.  Guarding myself against the loneliness and feeling alienated.  In some ways even though the circumstance is unavoidable, I still feel angry with him, abandoned to a certain degree.  Completely unfounded.  Everything he's doing, he's doing for us.  not him, not me, but us.

For our future together.

All of this is known to me, but I still have the feelings of loss. Natural, I know, not fair to him.  Putting on a happy face for him so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that every day I freaking hate it. That it's a struggle just to get up and function, let alone go through each day without hearing his voice or feeling his touch.
Six weeks and six days... I can do this...

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