Sunday, February 20, 2011

New Dawn

I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.

By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.

Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.

I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.

It was an eye opening experience.

So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.

Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.

Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.

I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.

let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.

The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.

So this guy...

I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.

When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.

We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.

We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.

Or am I?

I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Oh, my God.

I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.

A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.

I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.

What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.

He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.

I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.

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