self imposed doldrums

I was giving counsel to another virtual friend, who's another "s" type like me.  Seems she and her significant other have reached a point in their relationship where needs are not being met.

They live about an hour apart.

He still wants her in his life, but wants someone who can do more with him, be a companion.  He wanted her blessing to pursue a poly situation.  Which she indicated was something he has always expressed an interest in.

What I find interesting is that there is no mention of her finding someone to spend time with. That's a whole other topic though.

It really just got me thinking about the reality/futility of our situation.  Unless one of us moves, it will be this way for years and years.  How can we sustain this for what could be the next decade? I hope and pray that it's not, but it very well could be.

So I put myself in a funk for the last couple of days.  Putting myself in this kindred sister's shoes and knowing it will be me at some point.  We've already decided poly isn't for me, when posed with the question of him wondering who was in my bed, it would be safe to say- he wasn't comfortable with it either.

How many times will we cast it aside?

There is the starry-eyed romantic that knows we're perfect for each other, and finding the same thing, or even something, some semblance of something close will be futile.  I know no two relationships are alike, and maybe if it did happen in the future I might find something even better.  It's just very hard to fathom. We are so in sync with each other and the dynamic is like a second skin.

I know, I know.

He's tired of sleeping alone, and so am I.  Just because I have a houseful of offspring, doesn't mean I'm not lonely without him. I want him to be a part of my every day world as much as he wants me to be a part of his.

So what really frosted my ass yesterday though was a blog written by the one that was cast aside.  Yes, I still read her blogs.  I was actually starting to feel happy for her.  She appeared to have moved on.  Her blog from a couple days ago, however, said differently.  She absolutely railed on long distance relationships.  Spouted about how they weren't real, couldn't last, can't be real if you're not living the day to day.

This coming from a woman, who dumped her four kids with the ex-husband, something she swore she'd never do, moved across country on her own free will,  The university, almost in her home town, has an incredible Master's program for her field.  So it's not about the educational opportunity.  She wanted my man.  She wanted to get him, after 20 years, she was going to have him.  She did whatever it took, whatever the cost to her children to get him.  Except she didn't take into account one very important thing.  She is nothing to him.  She was a family friend at one time and when she found him through someone else after 20 years, old times were new times. When proven she is nothing to him she took the manipulative route with me, when that didn't work- she hopped into a "slave" relationship with someone she didn't know.  Keep in mind, this is only temporary- she's moving back when school is done.  So she wants to be owned, but only for a little while.  While it's convenient for her.  She's renting a room somewhere... or living with him now, don't know, and preaching about what a real life relationship is.

Anyone else see something wrong with that picture?

But it's like I told Himself today, reading her words infuriated me so much it brought me out of my doldrums. While not too happy that I'm still reading her blogs, he hasn't banned me from them.  I wonder if I could keep that edict, if he did.  I have to stop caring enough to care.  It's too bad, because I was reaching a point where I was starting to feel some sort of happiness that the path she chose was working out for her.

Anyway.... reality is a large, bitter, and hard pill to swallow.  But, I will have to take the prescription at some point, the question will be will I swallow the pill all at once, or crush it into tiny pieces and watch it slowly get consumed into nothingness?

Phases

I went through a rough patch for awhile.  Questioned damn near every ability I have in this bdsm world.  Another blogger at another site mentioned recently that d/s doesn't define who she is.  

It doesn't necessarily define me, but it is a huge part of my life now.  Something I know I won't ever live without again.  Submission, by itself makes me feel complete, and without a partner who recognizes that submission for what it truly is, recognizes the dynamic of dominance and submission, I'll just fall prey to more controlling arsewipes.  Been there, done that, have the tee.

Thankfully Master pressed through all those insecurities I had, had me sit down and take a good hard look at the reasons why I was feeling pressed up against the wall.  Through that exercise I realized that I was still haunted by the ghost of Dom past. 

Now, I should also point out that even though my head was not in the best space, I was told that said behavior would not be tolerated in the future.  To which I completely concur.  When I realized my behavior, I was crushed by my own actions.  Completely remorseful, and on some level, afraid of the punishment I could have had.  I wasn't let off easy, I'd punished myself.  It has since passed, but the emotions I felt are with me still.  A good lesson for me in humility and grace.

Two weeks ago marked one year he placed his collar around my neck for the first time. So much has happened in this past year.  Good, bad and ugly.  We are stronger for it. It's damn hard to maintain this two home deal, but we're doing it.  Some day we'll look back at all this angst and laugh. My home is by his side, whether it's at place A or place B.  

I still live by my mantra- each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

One day closer.

I was angry today.  Jealous actually.  I was jealous of his past.  I wanted affirmation that what we have is nothing like anything else he's ever seen. I wanted validation that no other submissive satisfied him the way I do, pleased him the way I do, served him the way I do.  I wanted to know whether he felt the same rush scening with someone else as he does with me.

Then it hit me.  They are ex's for a reason.  He wasn't able to flourish, grow, develop, and explore until now.  Every day is a new exploration of ideas, wants, needs.  We create them in each other, fulfill them through each other, and as a result we both grow from it.  I can't say that I'm always jumping up for joy with some of his plans and ideas, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Like he told me yesterday, he likes seeing me squirm in both a good way and not good way.

It's like we're on this never ending spiral staircase.  Some days he holds my hand and we climb into the clouds (the sensualist), and on other days he escorts me into the bowels of hell (the sadist).  How far we go in either direction is up to him, but I gratefully hold his hand and follow his lead.  He seems to know better than I do, which direction I need to be taken to.  Even if I express a desire for up or down. 

He reads me well.  That's not something that happens overnight. It's time, patience, understanding, love, caring, devotion, consideration, empathy, desire.   I could probably go on and on, but it's time for me to get some shuteye.  Early day tomorrow and a trip home in the afternoon.

Losing or Gaining Self

Things are diving deeper.  He's been much more stringent, and his requirements are changing, his commands are broadening.

I felt like I was backed into a corner yesterday.

To my credit, I didn't lash out, I didn't get sarcastic or hostile.  I was open and honest about his "request".

So he altered it.

I don't know that this is any better.

I'm struggling, really struggling.

I have no idea how I'm going to maintain this.

I feel like he's setting me up for punishment.

The pressure is weighing me down, feels like a foot on my chest. It's not anxiety, I know what that is.  It's dread.

I don't want to comply.  I want to put my foot down and cry limit!  But in reality there is no reason for it, other than the fact that it's so very far outside my comfort zone and an inconvenience to my day- each and every day.

None of that is supposed to matter.... right? It's about his needs, his wants. This is what I signed up for- - willingly... right?

I have the man who is stronger than I, strength, character, resolve, honesty- he's all of that.  He warned me time and time again that it would not be easy being his slave.  Any request, command, instruction pales in comparison to this. So far anyway.  I hope one day I'll be able to look back on this and laugh at my foolishness.

It is taking me a long time to come to grips with this task. I'm still not fully enveloped in it.  Today I complied, because that's how I'm wired.  I have to give until I can't.  I didn't think I could envision the day where I actually contemplated a can't.  Yesterday, I did. Today was a new day though.

And other than my own pride, my own sense of propriety... I have no reason not to comply with this.

I felt no sense of relief when I accomplished this task today, I felt only dread for tomorrow is another day.  I hold on to the notion that I will find some sense of adventure to this task. But all I see is the negative impact to me- and while I know that negativity is coming from the independent side of me- it's clouding my judgement.

This IS what I signed up for when I asked him to eliminate my safe word, bring things to the next level.  I want and need this deeper dynamic. I'm still clinging to some idealized notion of M/s.  Where everything is nice and cozy and I'm pushed slowly, nudged into the mold that he's creating.

I realize I'm fighting one sense of self against the other.

I never realized until today how much strength it takes to surrender one's will.  I knew it took strength, don't get me wrong.  For as easy as it is for me to submit to him, it's always been a choice.  The choice looked easy because I was still in a comfort zone.

Today, tomorrow and every tomorrow I am for a short physical amount of time pushed out of that comfort zone.  However, mentally I am no longer there in that comfy space.  The command and my choice to comply is always on my shoulder from this day forward.

It is my choice to comply or deal with the consequences.  One of which could be being released.  That is not an option for me to play a hand in.  I know on some level there could come a day when I could be, but it will not be because I'm choosing to put my foot down over something that in the greater scheme of things is minutia. I cannot and will not become a behavioral issue, manipulate the situation by whining about all the reasons why I feel overwhelmed by this task.

I would have done that previously.  I can see Jay nodding emphatically right now.  Wipe the frown off your face Jay- he's not being unreasonable- I'm looking for excuses.  You know me, you know what buttons need to be pushed.  He's pushing the buttons- just the way he should.

He's got me by the hair forcing my eyes to his- and giving me the opportunity to walk the walk. He told me as much yesterday.  He's got the confidence in me, whereas I don't.

Knowing that doesn't make this any easier though.

It doesn't push me to want to do this, which frightens me a bit.  I'm doing this not for me, but for him.   I haven't wrapped my head around the notion that it's bringing me to a deeper self, losing that surface self, pride and ego.

If I'm going through the motions with this, how long before everything else becomes rote?  How long before I let this permeate into every aspect of our relationship?  I'm strong enough to know that if I let it, it won't take long.  He won't tolerate that, he sees right through me.  It will cause derision though.

Only if I let it permeate.

I'm hanging on, today the thread seems stronger than yesterday.  Soon, I hope that thread will become as thick as a rope.  He'll be at the top anchoring that rope, reaping the benefits of my climb.

I know this, I know it's for the greater good.

I just have to feel it.

I'm not there yet.

Tomorrow is another day.

Time flies and a whole lotta learning going on

A week ago, I fucked up.  Big time. HUGE. MEGA HUGE.  Ok, maybe not that huge, I mean I didn't break any laws, commandments, or do anything nefarious.  I did however go into full blown bitch mode with The Boss.

It wasn't until after the words had been spoken that I realized what I'd done.  In my own defense, I interpreted something the wrong way, but in my already over emotional, over worked state I took that misinterpretation and swung into defensive postulating rather than just ask what he meant.

So being me, and true to form, I beat myself up. In our time together, this is the first argument we've had, and it really wasn't so much of an argument as we both got pissed off at the other. Light a fuse watch it blow and then deal with the aftermath.  Anyway, once I realized what I'd done, I envisioned the punishment for said actions would not be something I would breeze right through.

After 24 hours, we spoke and he changed his mind on my visit.  I would come up so we could discuss what happened the previous day and move past it.

I brought the little man up with me as planned.  I need to ensure he has some testosterone time, poor kid surrounded by estrogen all the time.  After the boy went to bed, I knew we were going to 'have the discussion' whether that meant physical punishment too, I didn't know, but knew I deserved whatever was on the plate.

We ended up discussing, and as much as I tried to clam up and withdraw- he wouldn't let me. I was open and honest about what I was feeling, how I felt about my fuck up, but it was hard getting the words out in between fighting back the sobs, and covertly wiping away the tears.

I couldn't hide though, he wouldn't let me.  He made me look at him when all I wanted to do was turn my back and wallow in my own angst. I had not only disappointed him, but pissed him off- and all because I flew off the handle and reacted like a manipulating shrew.  Something I've never done, cared to do, wanted to do, intended to do with him.  Previous so called D's - fuck yeah, I manipulated my way right to the top of that pile of whatever it was called.  With him... no, never, niet, yeah, so much for that idea.

He reached inside of me and cradled my emotions (and me) in his arms while I had my meltdown. I didn't opt for tears, I hate tears for the most part. No, scratch that, I hate them period.  Even though I know that sometimes it's good to cry, it just takes an awful lot to get me there.

So I learned more about him during that little experience. Not that I will try to repeat it, second offense will not be pretty- I've been forewarned.  I didn't think it was possible to love or trust him any more than I already do, but it is.  I don't think that it's necessarily more- just deeper and even more meaningful.

A year ago yesterday he showed me a photo of the collar that I inspired.  He set out that day intending to make something else, but felt compelled to make my leather collar. I looked for that exchange the very same day we had the argument, taking the scroll down memory lane always makes me emotional, so I'm sure that didn't help matters any, but that's not where I was going with that.

It will be a year Sunday that he first placed it on my neck.  Now we hadn't talked about "being collared" specifically at that time.  We'd had conversations about a collar, what it meant personally to each of us, the implication of the significance.  We were both on the same page, or within a page or two of each other's views.

When the first D collared me, I took the collar on and off as applicable, not figuratively, just literally.  As we were 2k miles apart, and seeing each other every 6 weeks, and he liked to see me on cam chatting wearing said collar, it would be appropriate for me to put on/take off.  But even when we were together, I would put on/take off as needed.

So when I had Jefe's collar on that first weekend, and someone knocked on the door, my hands immediately flew up to the collar and I removed it.

After the company left, he secured the collar back around my neck, pulled the d-ring so our noses were scant centimeters apart, and informed me that I was never to take on/off again.

I haven't.  That's his job... I present said collar to him or said neck if I need to take a shower. I like that comfort in knowing he secures it, I'm not sure why, it's symbolism, but I haven't quite figured out why it tickles my fancy or why I take such comfort in it.  I wasn't wearing my collar the night of the discussion, and we were in bed having said discussion and by the time he was done with me I was too spent to get up and get it, but I felt naked sleeping without it.  The next night he called it out.  He wanted it there. Plain and simple.

Sometimes when I'm driving myself to the brink of insanity, wondering how we're ever going to get through this distance and time line thing, I sit and remember these little things.

His words from a few weeks back ring in my ears "I don't think either one of us expected things to go this deep"

Which considering how closed mouth he is about anything dealing with emotions, was a lot for him to admit.
He shows his emotions, he just doesn't talk about them. He's a touchy-feely kind of guy, just don't ask him to talk about it LOL.

It's the little things that keep you going sometimes.

Even something like fucking up has it's benefits.

When I dove

Did I jump into the deep or shallow end of the pool?

It seemed so easy back then.  I was so trusting.  I believed that people were who they said they were.  I was taken for an emotional ride a couple of times.  Thankfully none that really 'damaged' me.

I've had a few actual bdsm relationships. 

I've realized recently, that I don't know jack shit about bdsm, or I didn't know jack shit about bdsm.  I had an inkling of what it was. 

                                    No let me rephrase that.  

I had an inkling of what I thought it was. 

They were in order of appearance:

1. A relationship with very close emotional bonds, but not a dominant, just a guy that liked sex a little rough and with light restraints.

2. First Dom guy- experienced, real time, had the answers, said the right things.  Introduced me to bdsm gently, lightly and it pretty much stayed there.

3. Second Dom guy- experienced- kinda, part time experience for a couple of years.  Had a couple of good 'scenes' then it was basically vanilla with an anal twist (is that like a chocolate/vanilla twist soft serve cone haha)

4. NSA guy who was really really kinky, not into bdsm, but we got along great and the sex was pretty dang good.

5. another NSA guy who was into bdsm, but was a top, not a dominant.

6. Diversion guy who knew nothing about d/s, was willing to learn, but really only wanted to be catered to.  

7. Potential guy, liked to be called Daddy, but really didn't know how to be a dom.  He was into bdsm, I could manipulate the crap out of him (and did).  A really great guy, but I kept my distance.

8. Email guy- great on paper, really pulled you into the fairy tale.  Met once and knew I'd walk all over him. That was the end of that.

9. "Separated guy"- our versions of being separated were two entirely different things.  I'm separated, I don't live with my spouse part time or share a bed when in the same city.  That ended real quick.

10. Then there's Jefe.  Never intended for this to happen.  

My first communication back to him was to say I was just looking for a friend.  I was still reflecting on separated guy.  Jefe wasn't fazed.  Friendship was fine with him.  We started a dialog, started sharing our thoughts about bdsm, what it looked like, what we each wanted out of it.  It was easy to divulge those thoughts when you don't feel like you're being interviewed. 

Personable

After a few weeks we arranged to meet.  I just happened to alter my travel route so I passed through his town.  I got there early and instead of bothering him, I just sat in a parking lot and read.  When he sent me a text to find out my eta and found out I was already in town, he changed his itinerary so I wouldn't have to wait.  

Conscientious and courteous.

I got lost on the way to the restaurant.

Patience

I finally walked in the door and my heart skipped a beat, I held my breath for a moment, I don't think I went as far as to stop dead in my tracks I mean I'm way too demure and collected for that to happen.  You can stop chuckling Jay.  Pretend your a stranger reading this (grins)

Handsome

We had a wonderful lunch of sushi.  I don't know that much about it, and told him so- so I deferred to his knowledge and he chose our lunch. We had a wonderful lunch.  I actually spoke (in person for me usually equates to answering and not venturing forth with conversation- especially if I feel intimidated in the least)

Knowledgeable

He asked me if I wanted to see the house that he's built from scratch- with his own two hands.  Being someone with a house fetish ( I LOVE looking at houses), I jumped at the chance to see this.  We left the restaurant and just outside in the parking lot- grabbed my hair and planted a kiss on my lips. A kiss that made me forget my name.

Determined, skilled, creative

I will never forget that day.  I relive it often in my head.  We went out for sushi a couple of weeks ago and when we walked out the door I asked if this was the part when he was supposed to grab my hair and kiss me.  He got a huge grin on his face as he unlocked the truck and got in.  His response was that he'd already done that, he couldn't get repetitive and boring now could he.

I doubt that man will ever be repetitive and boring.  He's too creative.  He's too deep a thinker. He's a doer.  If he says something will happen- I know at some point it will.

I have met my match, both figuratively and literally.  I don't manipulate, or top him in any way.  I have no desire to, and he'd see right through it.

What I thought I knew about bdsm compared to what I've learned being with Jefe for the last 15 months is nothing.  All I learned for those few years was the physical side of things.  I learned what a flogger felt like, or what it felt like to be restrained, 

Now I know what it feels like to be owned mentally and physically.  There's no part of me he's left untouched.  There's a semblance of a mark on every bit of me.

He commented a few weeks ago, when I was upside down in my thought processes- that I was putting too much pressure on myself.  Neither one of us thought it would ever go this deep, but now that we're here he's happy with where things are at, so I need to be happy as well.  His words  "quite pleased".

So when I thought I dove into the waters head first a few years ago....

I never realized that I had only waded into the shallow end of the pool.

Now I know what it's like to tread water in the deep end.

Broken

I've heard that term used in bdsm circles.  Usually in M/s dynamics where a Master feels it necessary to "break" his slave.  I'm not going to presume the multitude of reasons why.  I just know from things I've read that this is usually an intentional process or situation.

I've never thought of a slave being "broken" was necessarily a bad thing, although the methods to which a slave is broken might curl my toes.  To me being broken is like tearing down that last wall of self and finally admitting that there is no 'you' in the equation.  Like a tortured prisoner finally reaching that point where they give up the information to their captor.  I'm not talking a scene, but real life, pissing in your pants in fear kind of giving it up to save themselves.

I've had moments with Jefe where I break down, feel that liberation from life and can reach out and feel nothing but my submission to him.  I've had many of those moments, some were intentional on his part, some were not. I've had many intense moments, scenes, sessions whatever you want to call them that have brought me out of this world and into that dreamy realm of sub space.

This past weekend surpassed any and all preconceived notions on anything I ever thought regarding bdsm, a power exchange, M/s, and my relationship in general with him.

As luck would have it, my two afternoon meetings were canceled last Thursday, so instead of leaving at 6 or 7 pm.  I was packed and out the door by 2:15.  Made it up north with plenty of daylight and time left to the day. Master wasted no time in instructing me on his wishes.  By the time I'd been there 20 min, I was already mostly naked, a hooks in my arse and cunt tied to an overhead beam so as to apply the right kind of pressure you know, hands clasped behind my head and eyes closed- - as instructed.

I hadn't even had time to pee!

Which gave me pause for concern, but that is an entirely different matter, and thankfully one I don't have to write about in this blog LOL.

I finally felt the single tail.  OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! That thing hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.  I wasn't expecting that weapon either, so I'm not sure if that made it hurt more.  It was like punishment pain.  There's a definite distinction in the types of pain he inflicts. pleasure type pain, and holy fucking shit that hurts so I won't ever do it again pain. This was the latter.  Now when I'm punished, the rare times it does happen, I know in advance that it is a punishment, and what it's for.  In my head, I could only reconcile this type of hurt as punishment, but didn't know what for.  Each lash cut into me figuratively, as the pain intensified, so did my angst.  I could feel the bitch starting to rise.  He asked a question, but I couldn't even formulate a word or phrase to answer, when I finally did- my tone was not exactly pleasant.

As I appear to be a budding masochist/pain slut, he's experimenting with pain- exploring his sadistic side. I understood that, I got that, I was good with that am good with that.

Things progressed from there to the other room... the death stick (hitachi wand), paddles, clamps, hood, legs tied open, ankles secured, wrists secured.  Pretty typical actually.

There was nothing typical in my reaction.  I was on edge, pins and needles, couldn't see, smell, barely hear, all I had left was touch. Every touch tossed me to a higher plane, my emotions bounced faster than I did.  For the first time, ever, I didn't like him.  It wasn't one of those "is he done yet" moments.  It wasn't one of those "this hurts me mother fucker" moments.  It wasn't a "fucking punishment" moment.

It was one of those moments where I wanted to be away from him, cringed from his touch, struggled to make it stop.  Felt him continue as he wanted to, he took and took- just like he should.

I recognized in those moments of extreme angst that this is what I signed up for, this is what it boils down to, it's the feral side of the power exchange, the nastiness, the blatant hunger. It's life without a safe word, life with that much trust and love for someone to say take me I'm yours- and mean it.  It wasn't being nudged past a comfort zone, it was being knocked clear across the field.

Within seconds of the ropes being freed, I sought his touch.  Even through all of my emotional upheaval, despite how much I wanted to be free from him in those moments, I needed him.  I had been broken at the barest level, the darkest point, the deepest well.

Later on after some discussion, and I finally realized what my roller coaster of emotions was, he did what any good Master should do...

He fixed me.

He did not set out to break me on Thursday.  He did nonetheless.  I am bound by a whole new definition, something emotional.

The rest of the weekend was beyond description, and due to snow, I had an extra day/night on top of all that.

A new release

I'm doing something I never thought I would.

I've become addicted to a video game. *sigh*

Jefe was playing it on the x-box, and he just happened to have the same game for PC.

*sigh*

I made the mistake of loading it yesterday morning.

*sigh*

I'm not even going to share how many hours I've spent on the damned game since.

I can't run the game and the yahoo messenger at the same time.

Which means no yapping with my male mirror image (otherwise known as my writing partner, confidante, and best damned friend a person could have, well aside of his wife :D)

I hope he understands *grins*

Now back to my quest!!!

I can blame it all on Jefe.... he's a level 17, I just graduated to level 2!!  sheesh.

Putting the foot down

On the gas pedal *grins*.  Bet you weren't expecting that.  It's been an interesting week.  A week ago, he was here, lifting himself up and out of his void and being a welcomed part of my zoo.

We both needed that immensely.

Less than 48 hours after we parted, we were together again.  What a weekend it was.  Both of us on the same page, working side by side with menial chores, sharing our coveted power exchange, living and breathing as if we were one and the same.

Because we were.

There are things that come into play, without words that solidify intent. The dreams we have, and how we want the future to evolve.

Screw time.

It will be ticking whether we want it to or not.

Each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

I have some more thinking to do.

During the course of the weekend, he put forth some scenes that stopped me dead in my tracks. Then later I casually tossed out something to the effect of not admitting that it did titillate me.  So I had to write about why I didn't admit it in the first place- to the one person I'm supposed to divulge things to.

While I was writing, I had an epiphany regarding said behavior.  I now have to elaborate (at my request) on that specific topic.

Free-will.

Sounds easy to write about doesn't it?

Not so easy when one is trying so diligently to give up said will.  It doesn't mean doormat or bobble-head.  Of that I am certain, but it is nagging at me to figure out why I'm still clinging to it.  Especially in regards to admitting to him what does and does not send a shiver down my spine.

So, full steam ahead, pedal to the metal, I'm diving into my head again.

Stay tuned...

Raw

This past week was one of great stress.  I  have been an unhappy servant (not sure what I am today, so servant will do) .  We're both sitting in a 'bad' place.  We want nothing more than to be in the same place, but life and circumstances are keeping us from that opportunity.

What makes it more difficult is that we're both problem solvers, and when we see something that needs doing, we do.  In this instance, we both feel helpless to make it happen.

While the move wouldn't be earth-shattering, it would mean I leave my job, the kids leave their schools and a complete change in how they live.

I love country living myself, but this would be beyond a culture shock.  This is living off the land kind of living, not churning our own butter, but learning how NOT to live is a better term.

I'm contemplating how I can make this work, short of having a 400 mile daily commute, I'm not sure how, but in the scheme of things that seems like a small concession.  Time will tell, but we do have to work toward something.

Baby Steps

He's letting me in finally. Nothing he revealed was anything I didn't already know, but the point was he's letting me in.  Recognizing the need to do that is half the battle, feeling confident in your partner to be receptive is the other half.

He conquered both yesterday.  Tomorrow he may retreat, but yesterday he conquered a battle.

That's what counts.

It's going to be a tough road ahead of us, tougher than the entire last year was.  I'm trying not to withdraw into a little shell in fear of being heartbroken, but unless something drastic changes in our living arrangements, I really don't see how this can survive.  It's not enough for either one of us and how long can you pretend that it works until there's just nothing left but excuses for missed visits, less communication, and then finally resentment.

Now there is a chance, and that's the one I'm pulling for (notice the cheerleader get up) that we will make it through.  Lord knows we're both trying, neither one of us want to give up this once in a lifetime special relationship that we both recognize for what it is.

Sometimes the writing is on the wall, the font may vary.

A strange thing...

Only worked a half day in the office today. The plan was to escape and come home to finish up some things that have fallen by the wayside because of the large amount of time spent in testing mode for the past few weeks.

I managed to get one of those tasks done to my satisfaction, and tomorrow is a work from home day, so hopefully I'll clear the larger one off my plate with a new day and full day with no distractions.

I just got the strangest phone call.

If y'all remember, the kids and I went to the Ren Fair on Monday. There was a vendor there selling his photographs. Beautiful landscapes of various spots in AZ. Absolutely incredible. I wandered through his space, made small talk with him, asked if he had a website, blah blah blah.

I wasn't going to make an impulse purchase, until I came across this one work. It simply grabbed me, I had to have it.

So I bought it and it is now hanging above my bed.

During the transaction, I used my debit card, so he had to get the pertinent info in case something didn't go through.

So he just called, not to see if I liked the photo, but to ask if I was married. 

I was dumbfounded. I told him I was in a relationship and was flattered that he made a call to ask. 

The blonde was in my room and she had all she could do not to burst out laughing.

I don't believe something like that has ever happened to me in this manner before.

I have to go across the street and tell the bff.

too funny

Continuation

I've done much reflecting since my post the other night. There hasn't been much of a change in his behavior, although we did have a good talk yesterday.  Today I sent off an email, posing my questions and response to our conversation. I voiced my opinion and let him know I was struggling with some concepts.

I acknowledge that my behavior is bordering on childish, and I'm doing much much thinking on and about it.  I've come to a few conclusions today.  Servitude, while voluntary, stretches beyond the daily obvious and into the sublime.  It's easy to react/respond, but as a submissive/slave it's not always easy to take the initiative.  Mindset for me is key, and I let it fall by the wayside when we go through the ebb tide in the relationship.

Key words there "I let it fall by the wayside".

It's not up to him to keep me in what I call my serving space.  Keeping myself there is not as easy as it would seem.

In my head a power exchange can't be present if only one person is or appears to be working at it full time.  I'm also letting ego get in my way, and digging my heels in (wrongly) because I "feel" like I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I'm letting my pride get in the way. Pride and ego are two things that can harm the M/s dynamic. When I take pride in serving him and pleasing him, that's one thing.  But to be holding back from him because of pride and ego- that's entirely another.

I'm owned, willingly and voluntarily, so when did it evolve that I am the one to decide how much attention I deserve?

I understand what's going on with him, why he goes silent, what's on his plate in recent weeks.  I need to get past this notion that I have this independent self that is rearing her Domme head and stomping her feet for attention, or trying to justify why I am not behaving a certain way.

It's not so easy to give up one's self when one is feeling selfish.

nothing to stop it

Most of what I write here these days is when I am agst'ng about my relationship.  I don't mean to bore anyone, but this is one place I can vent.

He really pissed me off today, actually he's been gradually upping the pissed of factor steadily over the last two weeks.  I didn't get disrespectful, I kept my cool, but did reply to a message with a single "fine".

We haven't spoken since.

Every relationship has ups and downs, and I don't write nearly enough about all the ups we have. There are plenty of those.

These last two weeks are testing every ounce of sub patience I have.  I'm not putting any extra effort into the dynamic, taking a very dominant attitude if you ask me.

I realize this, but am doing nothing to stop it.

I know it's wrong, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

I'm supposed to be pleasing, that's what a slave is supposed to do, right?  I'm not acting slavish.  I don't think he's acting very Master-ish either. I'm not trying to be manipulating, or topping from the bottom.  I'm simply not putting any extra effort, because quite frankly, I don't think he is either.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

We'll get through it, and I'll probably have some sore flesh over my actions.

And I'll be doing nothing to stop it.  I won't try and escape, plead, bargain, or manipulate.

I'm not consciously or unconsciously asking for a punishment.  I HATE his punishments, they are not fun whatsoever. Right now, noticing the behavior is off would be a step up.

I know all about communication, and how it's key.  It's not about not being able to communicate.  Sometimes it just takes awhile to gather the thoughts

Cycles

Well it was not the beginning of the end.  I may have been at my wits end back then, but as we all know everything comes in cycles, ebbs/flows etc. It's part of life, taking the good with the bad. It also helps when one understands what's going on during those ebb periods.

Feeling left in the dark can be very frustrating, even when you know it will pass. Doesn't make it any less to deal with at that time.

It's a new year, and I'm sure some things won't change.  I'll probably continue to air my frustrations out here, because I can.  It's not that I can't/won't share them with him, this just gives me an opportunity to blow off the steam, or just vent.  It helps me put things into perspective so I approach him rationally.

Much of what I'm experiencing is new, the dynamic is new, or should I say this deep of a dynamic.  I've never released the slave in me before.  Never trusted someone deep enough to withdraw my limits, and mean it when I use the term Master.

We may not be a conventional "hand everything over" M/s couple, but the control that has been given has been freely accepted with new boundaries examined frequently.

I don't regret giving him the power, I don't see him through rose colored glasses (just in case you haven't read previous blogs), I am first human, second a woman, third his slave (somewhere in there is mother, worker, friend, daughter etc.).  I would be lying if I considered myself to be his slave above and beyond anything else I am.  It's a fine line though, learning what clicks and what doesn't.

I'm learning how the M/s dynamic meshes with the parent dynamic.  That is very difficult for me.  One I'm struggling with actually.  He doesn't have children, so it's a learning curve for both of us. I'm always on guard, but sometimes maybe too much so it feels like sometimes.

I guess I need to do some more thinking on that.

Beginning of the end?

It feels like dread this week.  Silence is not always golden.

I feel like I'm being punished for something I had no control over.  It wasn't my actions that brought this hell storm upon us.

I thought I was the bigger person for moving forward and leaving the whole thing behind us.

I guess I was wrong.

It seems pretty obvious that only one of us is really vested in this dynamic, and it's not you.

So first a slap in the face, now a kick in the ass?

Is that the way it's going to be?

Ok then, that's the way it is.