Tuesday, March 27, 2012

When I dove

Did I jump into the deep or shallow end of the pool?

It seemed so easy back then.  I was so trusting.  I believed that people were who they said they were.  I was taken for an emotional ride a couple of times.  Thankfully none that really 'damaged' me.

I've had a few actual bdsm relationships. 

I've realized recently, that I don't know jack shit about bdsm, or I didn't know jack shit about bdsm.  I had an inkling of what it was. 
                                    No let me rephrase that.  

I had an inkling of what I thought it was. 

They were in order of appearance:

1. A relationship with very close emotional bonds, but not a dominant, just a guy that liked sex a little rough and with light restraints.

2. First Dom guy- experienced, real time, had the answers, said the right things.  Introduced me to bdsm gently, lightly and it pretty much stayed there.

3. Second Dom guy- experienced- kinda, part time experience for a couple of years.  Had a couple of good 'scenes' then it was basically vanilla with an anal twist (is that like a chocolate/vanilla twist soft serve cone haha)

4. NSA guy who was really really kinky, not into bdsm, but we got along great and the sex was pretty dang good.

5. another NSA guy who was into bdsm, but was a top, not a dominant.

6. Diversion guy who knew nothing about d/s, was willing to learn, but really only wanted to be catered to.  

7. Potential guy, liked to be called Daddy, but really didn't know how to be a dom.  He was into bdsm, I could manipulate the crap out of him (and did).  A really great guy, but I kept my distance.

8. Email guy- great on paper, really pulled you into the fairy tale.  Met once and knew I'd walk all over him. That was the end of that.

9. "Separated guy"- our versions of being separated were two entirely different things.  I'm separated, I don't live with my spouse part time or share a bed when in the same city.  That ended real quick.

10. Then there's Jefe.  Never intended for this to happen.  

My first communication back to him was to say I was just looking for a friend.  I was still reflecting on separated guy.  Jefe wasn't fazed.  Friendship was fine with him.  We started a dialog, started sharing our thoughts about bdsm, what it looked like, what we each wanted out of it.  It was easy to divulge those thoughts when you don't feel like you're being interviewed. 


After a few weeks we arranged to meet.  I just happened to alter my travel route so I passed through his town.  I got there early and instead of bothering him, I just sat in a parking lot and read.  When he sent me a text to find out my eta and found out I was already in town, he changed his itinerary so I wouldn't have to wait.  

Conscientious and courteous.

I got lost on the way to the restaurant.


I finally walked in the door and my heart skipped a beat, I held my breath for a moment, I don't think I went as far as to stop dead in my tracks I mean I'm way too demure and collected for that to happen.  You can stop chuckling Jay.  Pretend your a stranger reading this (grins)


We had a wonderful lunch of sushi.  I don't know that much about it, and told him so- so I deferred to his knowledge and he chose our lunch. We had a wonderful lunch.  I actually spoke (in person for me usually equates to answering and not venturing forth with conversation- especially if I feel intimidated in the least)


He asked me if I wanted to see the house that he's built from scratch- with his own two hands.  Being someone with a house fetish ( I LOVE looking at houses), I jumped at the chance to see this.  We left the restaurant and just outside in the parking lot- grabbed my hair and planted a kiss on my lips. A kiss that made me forget my name.

Determined, skilled, creative

I will never forget that day.  I relive it often in my head.  We went out for sushi a couple of weeks ago and when we walked out the door I asked if this was the part when he was supposed to grab my hair and kiss me.  He got a huge grin on his face as he unlocked the truck and got in.  His response was that he'd already done that, he couldn't get repetitive and boring now could he.

I doubt that man will ever be repetitive and boring.  He's too creative.  He's too deep a thinker. He's a doer.  If he says something will happen- I know at some point it will.

I have met my match, both figuratively and literally.  I don't manipulate, or top him in any way.  I have no desire to, and he'd see right through it.

What I thought I knew about bdsm compared to what I've learned being with Jefe for the last 15 months is nothing.  All I learned for those few years was the physical side of things.  I learned what a flogger felt like, or what it felt like to be restrained, 

Now I know what it feels like to be owned mentally and physically.  There's no part of me he's left untouched.  There's a semblance of a mark on every bit of me.

He commented a few weeks ago, when I was upside down in my thought processes- that I was putting too much pressure on myself.  Neither one of us thought it would ever go this deep, but now that we're here he's happy with where things are at, so I need to be happy as well.  His words  "quite pleased".

So when I thought I dove into the waters head first a few years ago....

I never realized that I had only waded into the shallow end of the pool.

Now I know what it's like to tread water in the deep end.

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