I've done much reflecting since my post the other night. There hasn't been much of a change in his behavior, although we did have a good talk yesterday. Today I sent off an email, posing my questions and response to our conversation. I voiced my opinion and let him know I was struggling with some concepts.
I acknowledge that my behavior is bordering on childish, and I'm doing much much thinking on and about it. I've come to a few conclusions today. Servitude, while voluntary, stretches beyond the daily obvious and into the sublime. It's easy to react/respond, but as a submissive/slave it's not always easy to take the initiative. Mindset for me is key, and I let it fall by the wayside when we go through the ebb tide in the relationship.
Key words there "I let it fall by the wayside".
It's not up to him to keep me in what I call my serving space. Keeping myself there is not as easy as it would seem.
In my head a power exchange can't be present if only one person is or appears to be working at it full time. I'm also letting ego get in my way, and digging my heels in (wrongly) because I "feel" like I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I'm letting my pride get in the way. Pride and ego are two things that can harm the M/s dynamic. When I take pride in serving him and pleasing him, that's one thing. But to be holding back from him because of pride and ego- that's entirely another.
I'm owned, willingly and voluntarily, so when did it evolve that I am the one to decide how much attention I deserve?
I understand what's going on with him, why he goes silent, what's on his plate in recent weeks. I need to get past this notion that I have this independent self that is rearing her Domme head and stomping her feet for attention, or trying to justify why I am not behaving a certain way.
It's not so easy to give up one's self when one is feeling selfish.
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9 months ago