Thursday, May 10, 2012

self imposed doldrums

I was giving counsel to another virtual friend, who's another "s" type like me.  Seems she and her significant other have reached a point in their relationship where needs are not being met.

They live about an hour apart.

He still wants her in his life, but wants someone who can do more with him, be a companion.  He wanted her blessing to pursue a poly situation.  Which she indicated was something he has always expressed an interest in.

What I find interesting is that there is no mention of her finding someone to spend time with. That's a whole other topic though.

It really just got me thinking about the reality/futility of our situation.  Unless one of us moves, it will be this way for years and years.  How can we sustain this for what could be the next decade? I hope and pray that it's not, but it very well could be.

So I put myself in a funk for the last couple of days.  Putting myself in this kindred sister's shoes and knowing it will be me at some point.  We've already decided poly isn't for me, when posed with the question of him wondering who was in my bed, it would be safe to say- he wasn't comfortable with it either.

How many times will we cast it aside?

There is the starry-eyed romantic that knows we're perfect for each other, and finding the same thing, or even something, some semblance of something close will be futile.  I know no two relationships are alike, and maybe if it did happen in the future I might find something even better.  It's just very hard to fathom. We are so in sync with each other and the dynamic is like a second skin.

I know, I know.

He's tired of sleeping alone, and so am I.  Just because I have a houseful of offspring, doesn't mean I'm not lonely without him. I want him to be a part of my every day world as much as he wants me to be a part of his.

So what really frosted my ass yesterday though was a blog written by the one that was cast aside.  Yes, I still read her blogs.  I was actually starting to feel happy for her.  She appeared to have moved on.  Her blog from a couple days ago, however, said differently.  She absolutely railed on long distance relationships.  Spouted about how they weren't real, couldn't last, can't be real if you're not living the day to day.

This coming from a woman, who dumped her four kids with the ex-husband, something she swore she'd never do, moved across country on her own free will,  The university, almost in her home town, has an incredible Master's program for her field.  So it's not about the educational opportunity.  She wanted my man.  She wanted to get him, after 20 years, she was going to have him.  She did whatever it took, whatever the cost to her children to get him.  Except she didn't take into account one very important thing.  She is nothing to him.  She was a family friend at one time and when she found him through someone else after 20 years, old times were new times. When proven she is nothing to him she took the manipulative route with me, when that didn't work- she hopped into a "slave" relationship with someone she didn't know.  Keep in mind, this is only temporary- she's moving back when school is done.  So she wants to be owned, but only for a little while.  While it's convenient for her.  She's renting a room somewhere... or living with him now, don't know, and preaching about what a real life relationship is.

Anyone else see something wrong with that picture?

But it's like I told Himself today, reading her words infuriated me so much it brought me out of my doldrums. While not too happy that I'm still reading her blogs, he hasn't banned me from them.  I wonder if I could keep that edict, if he did.  I have to stop caring enough to care.  It's too bad, because I was reaching a point where I was starting to feel some sort of happiness that the path she chose was working out for her.

Anyway.... reality is a large, bitter, and hard pill to swallow.  But, I will have to take the prescription at some point, the question will be will I swallow the pill all at once, or crush it into tiny pieces and watch it slowly get consumed into nothingness?

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