Friday, April 13, 2012

Losing or Gaining Self

Things are diving deeper.  He's been much more stringent, and his requirements are changing, his commands are broadening.

I felt like I was backed into a corner yesterday.

To my credit, I didn't lash out, I didn't get sarcastic or hostile.  I was open and honest about his "request".

So he altered it.

I don't know that this is any better.

I'm struggling, really struggling.

I have no idea how I'm going to maintain this.

I feel like he's setting me up for punishment.

The pressure is weighing me down, feels like a foot on my chest. It's not anxiety, I know what that is.  It's dread.

I don't want to comply.  I want to put my foot down and cry limit!  But in reality there is no reason for it, other than the fact that it's so very far outside my comfort zone and an inconvenience to my day- each and every day.

None of that is supposed to matter.... right? It's about his needs, his wants. This is what I signed up for- - willingly... right?

I have the man who is stronger than I, strength, character, resolve, honesty- he's all of that.  He warned me time and time again that it would not be easy being his slave.  Any request, command, instruction pales in comparison to this. So far anyway.  I hope one day I'll be able to look back on this and laugh at my foolishness.

It is taking me a long time to come to grips with this task. I'm still not fully enveloped in it.  Today I complied, because that's how I'm wired.  I have to give until I can't.  I didn't think I could envision the day where I actually contemplated a can't.  Yesterday, I did. Today was a new day though.

And other than my own pride, my own sense of propriety... I have no reason not to comply with this.

I felt no sense of relief when I accomplished this task today, I felt only dread for tomorrow is another day.  I hold on to the notion that I will find some sense of adventure to this task. But all I see is the negative impact to me- and while I know that negativity is coming from the independent side of me- it's clouding my judgement.

This IS what I signed up for when I asked him to eliminate my safe word, bring things to the next level.  I want and need this deeper dynamic. I'm still clinging to some idealized notion of M/s.  Where everything is nice and cozy and I'm pushed slowly, nudged into the mold that he's creating.

I realize I'm fighting one sense of self against the other.

I never realized until today how much strength it takes to surrender one's will.  I knew it took strength, don't get me wrong.  For as easy as it is for me to submit to him, it's always been a choice.  The choice looked easy because I was still in a comfort zone.

Today, tomorrow and every tomorrow I am for a short physical amount of time pushed out of that comfort zone.  However, mentally I am no longer there in that comfy space.  The command and my choice to comply is always on my shoulder from this day forward.

It is my choice to comply or deal with the consequences.  One of which could be being released.  That is not an option for me to play a hand in.  I know on some level there could come a day when I could be, but it will not be because I'm choosing to put my foot down over something that in the greater scheme of things is minutia. I cannot and will not become a behavioral issue, manipulate the situation by whining about all the reasons why I feel overwhelmed by this task.

I would have done that previously.  I can see Jay nodding emphatically right now.  Wipe the frown off your face Jay- he's not being unreasonable- I'm looking for excuses.  You know me, you know what buttons need to be pushed.  He's pushing the buttons- just the way he should.

He's got me by the hair forcing my eyes to his- and giving me the opportunity to walk the walk. He told me as much yesterday.  He's got the confidence in me, whereas I don't.

Knowing that doesn't make this any easier though.

It doesn't push me to want to do this, which frightens me a bit.  I'm doing this not for me, but for him.   I haven't wrapped my head around the notion that it's bringing me to a deeper self, losing that surface self, pride and ego.

If I'm going through the motions with this, how long before everything else becomes rote?  How long before I let this permeate into every aspect of our relationship?  I'm strong enough to know that if I let it, it won't take long.  He won't tolerate that, he sees right through me.  It will cause derision though.

Only if I let it permeate.

I'm hanging on, today the thread seems stronger than yesterday.  Soon, I hope that thread will become as thick as a rope.  He'll be at the top anchoring that rope, reaping the benefits of my climb.

I know this, I know it's for the greater good.

I just have to feel it.

I'm not there yet.

Tomorrow is another day.

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