Yes, it's been awhile, and probably for good reason... too much external shit going on to keep me from looking within.
Had a health crisis back in July with one of the kids, she's fine, but it gave me about a 30 second vacation with Master. That did nothing for our togetherness, however it did solidify that this distance thing is no longer tolerable and we've, or rather he's reached a decision about who's moving where. So we're now immersed in moving plans. A huge adjustment to be made by all parties.
Then real life commenced and it's been a whirlwind since. I also officially got divorced after 8 years of total separation (I haven't seen him in those 8 years, literally), and got somewhat screwed over in the hearing (child support) and have felt rather raw for the last 24 because of it.
Tonight we were having a light hearted discussion, and he picked up on let's call it an idiosyncrasy that I have about deep seeded desires and what I call sticking my foot in my mouth. I don't do it intentionally, but he's picked up on it.
So I now have an assignment to dig into that. I got very emotional when he brought it up. I think it was a cumulation of missing him, feeling screwed over, somewhat judged by the judged. I just felt completely misunderstood.
I try very hard not to let the ghosts of the past resurface, but tonight they came back in full force. I felt completely inadequate and flawed. Of course I also reason this to my infernal need to be as close to perfect that I can be for Master. He, of course, stressed that he was not displeased, angered, or upset, but I told him that being on the "one who pleases" side of the fence, it's hard NOT to take such things to heart.
I KNOW I'm not perfect, far from it. I am human, but the slave part of me wants to be perfect and it's a hard time reconciling the difference. He said I shut down after he made the observation. I did, not because I was being a bitch, but because a plethora of thoughts were swirling through my head. I wasn't being passive/aggressive, wasn't trying to disguise anything intentionally. I felt like the fly caught in the spider web and completely by accident. I felt like I did something wrong, was doing something wrong and it didn't sit well.
So I have to think about this particular idiciosyncrasy and write about it.
More introspection, more vulnerability... it's a hard week to deliver vulnerable. I understand it, but delivering an honest non defensive answer is going to be hard. We're going to talk more on it tomorrow. I don't think he expected me to be as emotional as I was, nor did I. I call it a chick moment.
I wanted to fire back at him, but you don't have to open up to the same degree as I do, you don't see how a critique comes off as a criticism, a flaw, but I didn't, because it would serve no purpose. This is the station I freely chose to give. I didn't give it pending my agreement to certain aspects. It took me a long time to find someone worthy ( and I don't say that conceitedly) of my servitude.
As he noted tonight, perfect would be boring.
It would be nice though, to think I'm more than halfway there *smiles weakly*
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