Friday, August 10, 2012

Introspection time

Yes, it's been awhile, and probably for good reason... too much external shit going on to keep me from looking within.

Had a health crisis back in July with one of the kids, she's fine, but it gave me about a 30 second vacation with Master.  That did nothing for our togetherness, however it did solidify that this distance thing is no longer tolerable and we've, or rather he's reached a decision about who's moving where. So we're now immersed in moving plans.  A huge adjustment to be made by all parties.

Then real life commenced and it's been a whirlwind since.  I also officially got divorced after 8 years of  total separation (I haven't seen him in those 8 years, literally), and got somewhat screwed over in the hearing (child support) and have felt rather raw for the last 24 because of it.

Tonight we were having a light hearted discussion, and he picked up on let's call it an idiosyncrasy that I have about deep seeded desires and what I call sticking my foot in my mouth.  I don't do it intentionally, but he's picked up on it.

So I now have an assignment to dig into that.  I got very emotional when he brought it up. I think it was a cumulation of missing him, feeling screwed over, somewhat judged by the judged.  I just felt completely misunderstood.

I try very hard not to let the ghosts of the past resurface, but tonight they came back in full force.  I felt completely inadequate and flawed.  Of course I also reason this to my infernal need to be as close to perfect that I can be for Master.  He, of course, stressed that he was not displeased, angered, or upset, but I told him that being on the "one who pleases" side of the fence, it's hard NOT to take such things to heart.

I KNOW I'm not perfect, far from it.  I am human, but the slave part of me wants to be perfect and it's a hard time reconciling the difference. He said I shut down after he made the observation.  I did, not because I was being a bitch, but because a plethora of thoughts were swirling through my head.  I wasn't being passive/aggressive, wasn't trying to disguise anything intentionally.  I felt like the fly caught in the spider web and completely by accident.  I felt like I did something wrong, was doing something wrong and it didn't sit well.

So I have to think about this particular idiciosyncrasy and write about it.

More introspection, more vulnerability... it's a hard week to deliver vulnerable.  I understand it, but delivering an honest non defensive answer is going to be hard.  We're going to talk more on it tomorrow.  I don't think he expected me to be as emotional as I was, nor did I.  I call it a chick moment.

I wanted to fire back at him, but you don't have to open up to the same degree as I do, you don't see how a critique comes off as a criticism, a flaw, but I didn't, because it would serve no purpose.  This is the station I freely chose to give.  I didn't give it pending my agreement to certain aspects.  It took me a long time to find someone worthy ( and I don't say that conceitedly) of my servitude.

As he noted tonight, perfect would be boring.

It would be nice though, to think I'm more than halfway there *smiles weakly*

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