Now when Jefe takes me into feedback mode, there are times, like a couple of weeks ago when I do get all defensive and don't "hear" what he has to say. A few days after that communication mishap we had another talk regarding the same subject, and this time what he was saying made complete sense, and as such the assignment then made sense.
Those few days before that conversation were not fun though. I floundered for a bit, feeling misunderstood and emotional, and not wanting to interfere in what he had going on by asking to talk. So I did what I do well, and wrote out what was going on in my head. The end result lifted a weight from my shoulders, and unfortunately added weight to his. Which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless.
He felt the burden of the angst he felt he caused, which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless. He doesn't take those things lightly, but we didn't let it draw out. Within a single conversation- we were back on the same wavelength.
I'm learning that I can't keep those angst moments buried, they fester over time- even if I can dismiss them for awhile, something else will trigger the emotion then there's more piled on. So while the first assignment wasn't what he was looking for, it did open a few different doors for the both of us- let him in.
We're moving forward with the cohabitation plans. It's scary as hell. Maybe it's age and the hopeful wisdom that comes with it, but living together isn't as foot loose and fancy free as I thought it to be back in my 20's. It's been almost a decade since I've lived with someone, well except for that 5 month stint with the ex D, but that wasn't ever looked at as a life long journey- I told him more than once that when he was back on his feet he would get his own place. We just never made it anywhere near that finish line.
So this time it's different, I WANT this to work more than I ever thought possible. We talk in life terms. He is looking at this through the same glass I am.
This is it.
This is what the universe gave to each of us. We don't treat that lightly.
It's going to be hard.
It'd going to be damned hard.
But we both want it.
I'll need to come back to this blog from time to time, I'm sure.
Have patience with me, buckle up and hold on tight.