Friday, October 5, 2012

Real thing

I find myself opening up more to Jefe. Not only mentally- revealing more and more of what's inside and makes me tick on any given subject. It's revealing the more intricate details, the household dynamics, the ups and downs. Finances, financial decisions.  It's becoming more natural for me to ask before I spend money on not usual purchases. Getting ready to combine households is feeling more and more comfortable.

I can't wait, I talk about being impatient, and I am to a certain extent, because I can't wait to fall asleep next to him every night and not count the hours until one of us is leaving.  But I'm very calm about it as well.  We are not going into this with blinders on, we know it's going to be tough.  A huge adjustment for not just him and I, but the brood as well.  They've pretty much known only me in their lives.  Now there will be a second authority figure.

I was chatting with my mom the other night, and we both spoke of how it took all those years of both floundering with other relationships and being out on my own; to be ready for the real thing.  And that's what this is, the real thing.

I've been through enough relationships, both "vanilla" and bdsm related to not only realize but "know" what I have is beyond expectation.  I also know that this is not a one sided assumption.  He's expressed it as well. There have been three times in my life where I "knew" upon first sight that the person in question would have a profound impact on my life.  The first one was the one that got away... I've never forgotten him or wondered what goodness we would have been together.  The second was the second failed marriage attempt.  He wasn't a positive impact by any stretch, he was a bastard, but I have three wonderful children and a wealth of inner strength and knowledge because of him. The third and last was Jefe.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on him. The profound energy, the instant recognition of "my life will never be the same" the second our eyes met.  I took in the entire picture and just "knew".  Now I'm not calling it love at first sight.  Lust? Fuck yeah! I still lust after the man, that lust continues to grow and deepen.

We had a discussion very very early on.  One day he took me out in the truck and we parked and talked about the physical distance.  I told him that day that I believed we had something too special to not see it through.  Even though we may find it a bigger heartbreak in the future should things fall apart because of the distance.

He agreed and we agreed to continue on.  That was over a year and a half ago.

Neither one of us expected to find what we have found. Neither one of us expected to find the type of power exchange relationship that felt true to ourselves and who we truly wanted to be.  It was a pipe dream.

Through all of the ups and downs, coping with two households that are not too far, but definitely not close enough- we're taking that next step.  Recognizing that what is between us, the mundane and the kink are so well matched, it's worth the sacrifice for one of us to move.

So I'm strangely calm about the whole moving in together....

At least today I am.

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