Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Evolution of 'me"

Every now and then I stop and take a look in the mirror.  Once I get past the fact that gravity is indeed a bitch, I stop and ask myself if I am happy with myself.

Now I'm not talking superficial shit.  I take stock in me.  Would I want to be friends with me?  I'm not sure too recently.  Now that my relationship has moved to the next level, I don't connect with friends nearly as often as I did before.  I almost typed as I'd want to, but that statement isn't entirely accurate.  Because I have with me every night, the man, who I've dreamed about falling asleep next to on a daily basis for the last two years.  So my evenings are pretty much otherwise engaged.  I am not online much if at all in the evenings.  When I am, I am sure to catch up, but I feel like I'm short changing one or the other.  If I'm yapping with Jay then I'm not paying attention to the Master (not that he's requiring I pay attention).  It's just divided time. Plus when I start yapping with Jay, neither one of us leaves until the other is ready to pass out.  That's just the way that it is, and I like it that way don'tcha know.

I know when there are new relationships old relationships change, that's just the way that it is as well.  I'm both a recipient and deliverer of said changes.  I don't hang out with the bff near as much now that her family dynamic has changed.  I don't want to intrude on their time.  I'm okay with that, really I am.  But it's a casual drifting away from each other as well.  I feel like if I am not the one pushing for contact we'd just end up casual neighbors.  Which is sad to me, but not unexpected either.  Her man is intimidated by mine, and mine doesn't have much use for people who aren't always on the up and up.

Our lives are moving in entirely different directions.  I'm moving forward and looking toward kids growing and leaving, moving out of here, and retiring, whereas she's building a family all over again.  New beginnings for her, but different beginnings.  A year ago we were planning camping trips together, now she'll be tied down again and broke.

That's okay too....

Is it selfish of me to want to move away from that?  I don't want to be bogged down in the day to day life and times of baby raising.  I am past the half way marker and I'm not turning back. (I will not talk about the grandmother thing, but I won't be raising that generation (God willing)).  There was a time when I would have gone all "gaga" over her babies, and wanted to know each and every detail, but while I am interested, I don't really care all that much.

I am finding myself reading blogs I used to read with interest- now calling bullshit or rolling my eyes at the farce in which they claim to be submissive in their relationships. One is a manipulating bitch who does nothing except top from the bottom, and he obviously is no better because he allows it.  The other is clueless about what a dominant really is, but calls her flop of a man Master.

I am at a low tolerance threshold again.  Not that my way is the only way, but I get so tired of these hypocrite cry babies whining and the idiots who do nothing but pacify them.  No, I will not comment, I won't create a puppet account and rail on their asses either.  So I withdraw a bit further and crawl into the dynamic that works so well for me.  Which I suppose someone else could look at and say I'm doing it all wrong.

There is no right or wrong answer.

While everything is going so very right in my house, I am trying not to feel superior.  Truly I am not. I don't have to entertain what doesn't work for me. I have reached that point in my life where I don't have to engage in that to which I have no interest simply for the sake of pleasantries.

Would I want to be friends with me right now?


That's okay. Different places, different spaces.

I understand me and know I don't have time, or want to make the time, so I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I'm good with that.

So the list of those in the inner sanctum grows smaller still.  I'm good with that.  Weeding. It's good for the soul.

I'm sorry if I haven't been as good a friend as I should be to those that really matter.

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