Beginning of the end?

It feels like dread this week.  Silence is not always golden.

I feel like I'm being punished for something I had no control over.  It wasn't my actions that brought this hell storm upon us.

I thought I was the bigger person for moving forward and leaving the whole thing behind us.

I guess I was wrong.

It seems pretty obvious that only one of us is really vested in this dynamic, and it's not you.

So first a slap in the face, now a kick in the ass?

Is that the way it's going to be?

Ok then, that's the way it is.

Rough Week

I'm feeling lost this week. Communication is like pulling teeth, and I don't know specifically why.  I know things still aren't the way he wants them to be, on many levels.  The time we spend together is never enough, but it's all I have so I cling to it.

I know it wouldn't be this way if we were 24/7, but there's nothing I can do about it now, and for the foreseeable future- - he knows it too.

So why do I feel like I should be doing something about it?

Why do I feel guilty because I'm still this far away?

Why do I feel like if I simply stopped- he would be fine with it/?

I'm being irrational, and I know this.  Yet I find I can't shake this uneasiness.

I don't doubt him, maybe I am on the surface, but if he wanted to end it, he would do so.  He doesn't hem and haw or beat around the bush.

I don't think there's someone else.  He's been on the receiving end of that, and it's just not in his nature.

Or is that what I want to believe?

I'm full of doubt, fear, uncertainty.  I'm not sure how to approach it either.

Deep Sighs

I've been doing a lot of that lately. It seems like the universe is testing my patience in more ways than one.

Nothing earth shattering, but trying nonetheless.

I got to post a personal blog at the other place over the weekend. When I mean personal, I mean descriptive. I generally don't do that. I tend to skate over things, give generalities, but I only get descriptive and explicit when I'm writing stories. Then all bets are off, one of my characters can give a three page blow job, but have me write about a personal experience and I could take a three hour scene and reduce it to a single paragraph, probably two.

I get to visit this weekend, just me, just him. For the last month we've had kids surrounding us, which hasn't left us celibate, but yanno.... none of the real good stuffs.

I'm having minor surgery tomorrow morning. It is minor, I'll be under general anesthesia though, so there's a part of me that is still nervous, and anxious for the outcome as well.

I wish he could come down tonight, I really would like to be wrapped in his strength today and tonight.

So I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and trying to be nonchalant, but I'd prefer just shutting my door until tomorrow is done.

Emotionally needy

I'm torturing myself today. I had him to spoil for nearly five days before he had to go back home. I've been very emotional since he said he was leaving. It's not like I thought he would stay forever, but a few more days would have been nice.

But he had to go back, just like I have to come back every time I'm up there.

We had a few long talks over the weekend, about something and nothing. He would like to find a job that has him traveling- - like he used to. From what I gather he'd be gone for months at a time. At one time I would have thought that was the ideal relationship, now I'm not so sure.

I long for him, I crave him. I haven't felt that toward another human being in over 20 years. And back then I had no idea what d/s was, that guy was the 'one that got away'. I've pined over him ever since. Not in a "I want him back" kind of way, but a what if kind of way.

Anyway, I digress.

Of course, should he land a job like that, and we make the decision to stay together, I will cope.

It does give a person much to think about though.

I thought we crossed this bridge

Back to the silence.

I know he's dealing with a lot of shit, but hey who isn't on some level.

I thought we cleared that debris a couple months ago.

I guess not.

*sigh*

Sanity

It's been a long while, life has been more than busy, both work, family and Him. His injury finally required surgery, and thankfully I had some time off and was able to be with him non stop during the first part of his recovery.

Ten days is a long time to spend with someone non stop, well except for 2 hours in which I had to run errands for both he and I. In the past, I was in an LDR and after 2 days I was looking for an escape hatch. When he lived closer, a weekend every other weekend was quite long enough.

Shit, I would go on dates in the last couple of years and have a self imposed curfew. Always a way out.

Not so any more. Leaving after those 10 days was excruciating. This past weekend was my first back there in two weeks, and again, leaving is heart wrenching.

I've taken to asking if I can bring my collar back home with me. It's made the separation tolerable, or as tolerable as it can be.

I'm hesitant to bring up an every day collar, because he's still very limited in what he can/can't do around the house, and his creativity has been put on hold- so making something or buying something seems a bit of an imposition to ask of him.

I wrote in another blog elsewhere that the fact he is mine and I am his brings forth this overwhelming sense of emotion, gratitude, pride, awe, amazement, love, desire, and determination.

I never really cared whether I lived up to someone's expectations, I am me this is it, take it or leave it. I find that as I'm helping him around the house, doing something in the yard, I want and strive for perfection. I want to be nothing but in his eyes.

I hate it when I fall short of my own expectations. There's no such thing as perfection. He's not perfect either. Do we seem to fit perfectly together? Yes, I'd say we do.

I'm not so blinded by my admiration of the man that I can't see him in all of his faults, strengths, and needs improvement (haha). As humans we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever growing. He, even though he is my dominant, my master, my owner- is no different.

It is the whole picture of the man- that is mine.

Going through the motions

That's all I seem to be doing today. I'm getting things accomplished, back on track with work and home, but there's an emptiness that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it.

I had almost two full weeks with Jefe. He's recuperating from surgery and I was more than eager to jump at the chance to be by his side while I could.

It was an interesting dynamic, him needing the help and me being in the 'area of control'. I didn't quite see it that way though. While I did what I do best, cater and ensure his comfort and health were seen to, I didn't feel that I was the one in control. I served his needs, offered some suggestions, recommended certain therapeutic remedies (no not sex), but even in the midst of his pain- - he was. There was never a doubt in my mind.

It was a different train of thought for me. Normally when someone I care about is ill in some way- it's a do this or that and I go into my natural (or unnatural depending upon your point of view) take charge mode.

I don't do that with him. It's odd. I go completely against everything else that I normally do, and just 'be' for him. There's no protocol in place for me to do that. I don't have to drop my clothes at the door, immediately fall to my knees. It's just a natural state of submissiveness for me. I'm perfectly comfortable just following his lead, or like with the last two weeks taking the latitudes he gave me given the situation to care for him.

I'm missing that today. My days were full of him, literally surrounding myself with him and his comfort, and today I have nothing. I'm not dropping like I thought I would. I just feel empty. I want to pour out a long email gushing with emotion, but he's dealing with this as well... why make it worse for him?

I brought home my collar this time. I don't usually. He understood that it will make things easier for me to be away from him this time.

I don't know when I'll be going back. It's back to school time around here, so I'm busy with that, and he may have the opportunity for some R&R at the shore, that would really help his recovery process. While it's certainly not a collar that I could wear in mixed company. I keep it close and I'm comforted by just touching it from time to time.

I feel guilty that I'm not there, by his side. I drive to his place and I feel like I'm coming home, and this place is just where I need to be for now.

Strange drop

Jefe had his surgery for his back on Friday. I made an executive decision, without consulting him, and made the trek up north to be at his side. He called me first thing in the morning, left me two texts, but I didn't answer him back, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

I felt bad, because he said in his last message that he was hoping to talk to me before he went in, but it wasn't to be. However, when his mom brought me back into the pre-op room, the initial look of shock and subsequent smile, made it all worth while. Thankfully his surgery was later than expected so I was able to spend a good hour with him before he went under. I don't know if or how much extra peace it gave him, but I'd like to think it did.

It was where I needed to be, at his side, and at his side was where I was.

He mentioned a few times (and not always while doped up either haha) that it was a nice surprise, or he was glad I was there.

Each time he said it, I almost brushed it off, like I tend to do when he thanks me for something, but I'm learning to stop and say you're welcome, instead of being nonchalant.

I must admit, I thought my heart would overflow and burst with joy each time he took my hand, or I was there to see to his needs.

I didn't stay overnight. I had things to do here... get the kids ready for their annual trip to see the other grandparents (they leave tomorrow), get food for the remaining spawn, etc. I'm heading back up north to be with him for the next 10 days. His mom will leave once I get there. Last night she thought to call me and give me an update because he crashed. She reiterated how glad they both were that I came up, and that it meant a lot to both of them.

I'm glad.


It left me with a gaping hole yesterday though. It was like a drop of a different kind. I felt a little lost, and today isn't much better. It's a bad mix of not being with him and my babies leaving. It's the crawl in a hole type of morning.

The experience has opened up that can of worms about unanswered questions again. Is it harder for him to admit what he's feeling than it was for me? Or, God forbid, maybe he just doesn't feel that way. I always have to leave myself open to that possibility.

I'm getting to the point, though, where I need to have that discussion because I feel the walls building... ever so slowly, and generally when we're not together. Of course, it's when we're not together that I don't feel 'him'.


There was a song back in the 90's... wow yeah way back then. I can't remember the artist now, but it was a rock ballad. Something about love and showing how you feel and the words don't make it real... OH! I found it... Extreme was the artist... More than words is the song.


Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know


Sometimes though, you just need to hear it.

I wonder if he wonders at times, why I haven't begged for my permanent collar. He told me months ago that I would need to beg, and I haven't.

Sometimes I wonder how I can feel owned, or know he's my Master, and trust him the way that I do, without having heard how he feels about me. Then I sit and question myself, do I really need to hear it? Yes. I do. I want to know the depths of what he's feeling.

Then I second guess myself again. We've had discussions about what a collar means, and unless he was just blowing smoke up my ass, he takes that meaning seriously. It's not something to 'play' around with. Well outside of play that is.

I've answered my own questions, many times over in my head. I'm just being stubborn.

What a difference

A day makes.

Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.

The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.

Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!

Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.

I used to be. Not any more.

I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.

Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.

I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.

So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.

I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.

I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.

The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.

He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.

Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.

I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.

I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.

He
Owns
Me

what beautiful words.

Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.

I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.

To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.

His response

As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.

My god what beautiful words.

A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.

I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.

It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.

(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)

His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.

Long week

I was on business travel all of this week, and as nice as it is to travel and 'get away', I really don't care for it much. Sleeping in a bed that's not mine or familiar doesn't do much for a good night's sleep. I don't worry about the brood, they are in good hands during my absence.

This week was harder than most though because Jefe is really hurting, physically and mentally. His back injury is not putting his frame of mind in a very good space. Combine that with the fact that I'm still depressed over last weeks miscommunication of sorts, and well it just wasn't a very good week.

I realize that I over think. I'm an analyst...it's what we do!! However, no matter how many times I tried to make light of it, or make an excuse (in my head) the result was still the same. I'm bothered by it, very bothered by it.

The question is what am I going to do about it?

I can't let it fester, if I have too many more days like this I'll be ready for a prescription. I'm tired of having this hang over me like a cloud, casting its shadow. The shadow's getting longer instead of shorter.

Here's the part that's making me stupid. It's all verbal. I see the way he looks at me, feel the way he holds me and I know it's more than 'temptation'. I need to hear it though.

I am not told that I'm missed, or that I'm needed. I'm a temptation. See? I'm doing it again. Making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I can't stop thinking about it though. I have to tell him more than I did last Sunday because I feel it affecting each conversation.

I need to see him, be near him...

need....

It's not something I'm accustomed to.

Miscommunication

Things don't always come out as intended.

Today I was going, or should I say hoping to go up north and meet up with jefe and his friends for a short time. My intent was to surprise him, but I thought better of it and told him of my intentions.

At first he sounded happy, then given the situation, he suggested it would be better for me to stay home. I told him I was hurt, and why. His words weren't intended to hurt, but they did nonetheless. Doesn't he want to be near me as much as I want to be near him?

I went from elated to crushed within an hour.

I'm still crushed.

I'm having a very hard time with it.

The reasons were valid and thoughtful of me, but it's left me sad and empty.

I wanted nothing more than a few hours in his presence, to get that physical reassurance and mental affirmation of 'him'.

We parted the last time on a sombre note... I needed that rush of happiness I get when I see his face.

But, the D has spoken, and I am home. Missing him so much it physically aches.

Is he aching too?

Evaluating

Last weekend el jefe and I camped beneath the stars. It was a weekend of firsts for me in so many ways. I was naked in the wilderness, but not so desolate there wasn't any other soul. I heard cars or rather trucks in the not too far distance. I was nervous, excited, and on edge given my environment.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be strapped to a tree, led around by my leash with nothing but shoes on my feet and cuffs adorning my wrists and ankles. Last weekend I found out. I also found out I enjoyed it. It brought me deeper into my submission to him, and realized that I felt completely at ease putting my trust in him in a whole new fashion.

It was also the first weekend we were truly alone to experience bdsm activities without the use of a safe word. A few weeks back I broached the subject and told him I didn't want it anymore. He thought about it, and was in agreement. With the caviat that we'd discuss the to see if either of us wanted it back at any time, to which I readily agreed. Never even having been pushed to actually use a safeword in my past, this was a huge leap for both of us. He's never been in the drivers' seat to that extent. He's called it quits on his own accord or ended when a safe word was used, either by me or in his past. It's a heavy load to carry on a dominant's shoulders, one I felt he was ready to take on. Obviously, he felt ready as well.

Knowing I didn't have a safe word never left my conscious thought. There were a few times when I was strapped to the tree and the evil flogger bruised my flesh when I thought I might have been able to use it... before, but knowing it wasn't there pushed me. I knew he would decide when and if the flogging would stop. He would decide how much I had to endure for him, and for me. The decisions were his and his alone. I was confident in my decision, I felt myself fall deeper into his control, and I reveled in it.

He then set up a seat for himself and brought me to my knees to worship him, like any good slut should. Unable to use my hands, I lavished him with all the attention I could muster, before he took over and used me how he wanted to. Now there's a definite distinction between self imposed and imposed use. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, I will gag and retch, and I will fight to pull off of him to breathe and not puke. He will pull me back down and have his way. It's not something I find I can relax with, however much I want to- and I do want to.

Again, there was no safe word, and all the aforementioned things did happen, and then some. I resisted, and he pushed, I tugged and he pulled me back. I had saliva flowing from my mouth, mucus running from my nose, tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed at my appearance, gone was the demure slut, I was pulled into the depths of a wanton whore. Every girls dream... right? Looking back on it today, yes it was, but in the moment I was embarrassed to have him see me like that. I begged for relief, for a chance to compose myself, but he was unrelenting. He was going to use me the way he wanted to, for as long as he wanted to. It didn't matter to him if I was going to puke all over him, or drool, or make a complete mess of either one of us. It was humiliating, and degrading, but never once did he make me feel incompetent or belittle my efforts. He could have been mean, could have shoved my face down in the dirt and literally made me feel as worthless as I was making myself feel, but he didn't. He proved to me that he could take all the control from me and still make me want to give more.

At one point, he pulled up on my leash and held me inches from his face and asked me if I wanted my safe word back. I don't recall if there was a second or two of hesitation, but I shook my head no, without a doubt I didn't want it back. He affirmed that I did indeed want to be his slave and resumed his use.

It was a mind blowing experience, with minimal physical restraints, I felt more helpless than ever before, and more free than I've ever been.

When he finished with me, I laid there and cried. I have a tendency to do that when he pushes me that far, but previously it's been after calling 'red'. I don't know how much more I would have endured, but it didn't matter to me. I endured what he wanted me too.

As we sat and watched the sun set over the horizon, we talked about the intensity of the situation. I don't think I could verbalize how deep I went, or how close to him I felt. It's an addicting endorphin to be that immersed and free. I want to be there again and again.

He said something that surprised me, after we finished that talk and yapped about other things...
He said he had been contemplating my profile (on the mega bdsm site) and considering publicly linking me to him. Considering how private he is, I was dumbfounded. I told him I would be honored to have that attachment. He also said he's considering requesting my passwords. To what I asked. To everything he replied. I surprised myself when I shrugged and said, ok let me know.

A few years ago, the other dom (capital removed for intent) and I talked about exchanging passwords, and I flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt that I wouldn't share that with him. I'm not talking about banking PIN, I'm talking the public social media, but I wouldn't. Not because I had something to hide, but it was an invasion of privacy. I could have cared less about his passwords, he had nothing of any interest to me, but there was no way in hell I was giving him mine. Oh well, was my train of thought. Deal with it.


Even though the subject never came up again, my feelings never changed. I would never give him passwords. I guess I never truly trusted him with me or anything mine.

With el jefe, it just feels right. Another step in the depths of his control.

He hasn't asked for them yet, but I'm sure he's doing his evaluating as well.

He also reads my blog over at that other site. That surprised me as well. I don't ever see his name when I look at the 'recently viewed' list. Not that I write things I wouldn't want him to see, but I honestly didn't think that he was reading. He also mentioned that he was glad I didn't join the group he belonged to, because he was sure I'd read his posts. In all honesty, I hadn't read his posts in some time. I felt it was an invasion of his privacy, but now that he's mentioned it, I will admit, I've gone and read his questions and his answers. Personally, I think most of the people in that group have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to their own self importance, but they do have interesting things to say from time to time.

One of his recent questions has to do with a topic he and I touched on during our night under the stars. One that affects me deeply, and am helpless to do much about it. I can see that it's weighing heavily on his mind as well, but we don't have answers. I'm glad he's seeking counsel from people he values.

I want that night back. There's nothing I would change, with the exception of some bug spray haha, but I want it back. I need to feel it again.

Days without him become unbearable in some ways, in most ways. How I wished he was here when I returned home yesterday. Alas, he wasn't, and it will be two more weeks before we will next see each other, maybe three.

Well, this blog is long enough. I may post again today, as I have more things on my mind.

until then.... live.

Warmth

There's a certain feeling of warmth and togetherness that can be felt even when you're not in the presence of that other person.

Just a ramble of thoughts

The typical Monday has rolled into a tepid Tuesday. It's not that I'm feeling indifferent towards things, more like lost. Five days seems like an eternity.

I asked for an assignment, I haven't felt a need to do that, but I realize that I need one. Assignments for me are writing tasks. He picks a subject and I have to dive into my head and reveal what's there. We have impromptu discussions all the time, but it's been a few weeks since I've had a specific topic to ponder over. Some of the assignments are easier than others, but there have been a few that have been tough, more the creative assignments, the ones where I have to talk about a specific topic are easy for me. I guess I have so much to say about something.

Mondays and Tuesdays are tough for me. We're both going through drop, him in the headspace, and me in the subspace. I get spoiled simply by being with him, and then we go through this. I get lost during this time. More lost than I thought I ever would. It's not insecurity, it's just missing him. I can't complain much though, because he's going through his own shit, but it does make me blue nonetheless.

I will be away from him for almost a month, and it's coming up soon. If he isn't able to make it here this weekend, it will be a month before I will see him again. I can't fathom what that will be like. I'm dreading it both from my point of view and his. Granted, even if we lived closer, my schedule is such that it really wouldn't matter, but it would allow for brief contact- - depending on how close we were. Will this cement the distance factor for him? Will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Will he finally decide that the amount of time we'll be apart just isn't worth this loneliness we suffer after each visit? Either way, I told him that he had three weeks to get healthy because after that amount of time I'm going to drive up and ravage him.

I realize I'm way over analyzing here, but that's the way my brain works. Examine each and every facet until I drive myself crazy. Aren't you so glad you're here reading this dribble?

Am a barking up the wrong tree? Probably. The distance factor is our only stumbling block. The rest we've eased into nicely. Our dynamic flows without difficulty, and I think that ease makes the days without even more difficult. Of course, were we together more often, real life would interfere just like it does for everyone, and things might be different. All we have is what we have, and while it's not enough, we must settle for something that is exactly what we both want, just not at our fingertips.

It's something so many go through. Distance has never been a problem for me. I've said either here or in another blog somewhere, I couldn't wait for my escape, let me go back to my domain. It's just the opposite now. It's a measly three hours each way, but it's too much. I want him in my clutches much sooner than that drive allows.

But, I'll take him in any part of my life rather than not having him in it. The cold reality is though, that there are no guarantees, and I am constantly aware of that.

I also haven't started my petition for his collar. Not that I'm conflicted over wanting it, but there is a part of me that is unsure. The distance keeps cropping up in my head, preventing me from spewing forth with my desires. Of course the rational side of me says that he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of a collar, type, style, etc if he was ready or thinking about the distance factor as much as I have been.

A collar means something to us, it's his mark on me, his claim. Not that how I feel, or how he feels will be any different, but it will be different. I've read in numerous places that a collar is akin to a wedding ring. It's a promise of sorts, not legally binding like a marriage, but a formalization of a bond. It's a promise to each other to lead/follow.

So what's holding me back? Me. I'm doing too much analyzing and not enough doing again.

Ok, I'm starting to depress myself now, I better stop for today.

Typical Monday

Thursday afternoon, Jefe asked if I wanted to come up, and of course I took the opportunity as offered. We didn't have anything going on, so by noon I was enroute. The three hours doesn't seem like forever anymore.

As always, I had a wonderful time. Just being next to him is what matters. Of course our continued exploration of bdsm and each other leaves me breathless in so many ways. The things he does physically, the emotional connection is something I never experienced, and probably never will. It's made a good many things I've read about in some blogs around the web make complete sense.

We've made great strides making time to see each other. We manage every weekend, still can't do during the week though, with work schedules. That is really getting to both of us. He thought it was a bit easier on me because I always seem to have something going on, or someone around me, but that's not the case. I want to be with him, not just on the weekends, but each and every day. I want to fall asleep and wake up next to him like I get to do every 5 or 6 days.

It's not enough, I want more. I am selfishly wanting to devote more time to him. My hands are tied and not in a good way. His are too.

It becomes weary and draining. We have devoted time, even when people are around us, but then the immediate separation sucks. I try to put on a happy face when I chat at him, but some weeks I can't, some weeks I don't want to be strong. I need him to be stronger and carry me. It just sucks. We both seem to come out of our funks by Wednesday. I think subliminally we both know the weekend is right around the corner.

I'm just venting today, pay me no mind.

Progression

My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.

I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).

There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.

I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.


Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.

So why?

So at some point I can say enough?

I don't want to have that control anymore.

So I brought it up.

We talked.

It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.

He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....

It's all in his hands.

I like it in his hands.

I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.

He asks.

He gets.

He wants.

He receives.

I would have it no other way.

Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.

He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...

He wants me to be me.

I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but

I need for only him to be him.

The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.

I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.

There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.

To beg....

Needy

The clock is ticking, I can't wait for the weekend. I need to feel his arms around me, see that look in his eye, and taste his lips.

Of course everything else that goes along with it.

More cerebral activity

As the week progresses, I have come to grips with what I need to do, and am going to tell him this weekend. It might not be the best timing, but if I don't tell him, I'm going to keep beating myself up.

I've reflected on various conversations we had last weekend, and it's put me in a much better mind space than I was in on Monday, and even yesterday. The fog has lifted and am now resolved. I knew from the beginning that I was being foolish, but needed the time. I had to sort everything out and remove all of my doubts and insecurities.

Today I am a new person. It's as if I woke with a whole new understanding on me. Which I suppose I did.

I've been doing some reading today on Fet.... interesting groups that I hadn't perused before. All topics Jefe and I have spoken about, nothing new per se at least in conversation. One of the topics was on the "mind fuck", and I realized how effortlessly he does that. Whether it's in a full scene, or just a passing comment.... he never fails to capitalize on something I've said in previous conversations or writings.

Over the weekend he remembered such comment and while in the midst of company, he whispered it in my ear. I froze instantly and looked out the window, envisioning what he said. Now, at the time, I remember thinking "he wouldn't" "it's just a mind fuck". He's very private, so doing something when company is present, so I really did dismiss the comment. Regardless, at the moment he accomplished the mind fuck. But today I realized he very well could have made it happen. I also realized (today), that I don't know what I would have done if he did indeed make it a command rather than a threat.

Would I have used my safeword to say no? It's difficult to look back on the situation and truly know. I can 'see' some discussion and the reminder as to the way out. Once again the decision would be mine and mine alone.

I have a hard time denying the man anything, it's near impossible, but he hasn't pushed me to 'that point' which all I can think of is something that involves the public, innocent bystanders, oh hell who am I kidding, anyone else...

It's one thing for him to use me in private, it's another for him to use me with people around. Use comes in many forms. It doesn't mean fucking or overt sexual behavior. When we were in the store, he took his liberties, and he knew I was uncomfortable. He enjoyed how red my face got. Once again, something Ms. Public Prim n Proper NEVER would consider before. Yet, what did I do to stop him?

Not a damned thing, because the truth of the matter is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that he took what he wanted to take, that he is confident enough in himself and his control over me to "do" instead of just "talk". The mind fuck only goes so far. Suggest it once okay, talk about it numerous times without acting on it and then it becomes just something else not followed through with.

So, I wonder if after the "imaginary discussion" whether I would have opted out. There is a small part of me, and it's growing that sees me following through.

In some ways, that's scary for me. No individual has ever had that kind of power over me. It's one of those things that I've read about, how women will go to exponential lengths to satisfy/prove/serve their dominants, and I can see that happening with me.

As I've told him, if it's in my power, then it is done.

So, yeah, I guess I answered that question now didn't I.

Recovering from my own thoughts

I've done some serious thinking since my post on Sunday night. I am thoroughly irritated with myself over my inability to verbally relate my feelings to him. It affected most of my day yesterday, and I'm not sure if my angst has pushed him away.

It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.

Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.

One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.

It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.

I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.

Tonight I think I need to write to him.

Why is it so hard?

Spent the weekend up north again. We had some things to do in town, so we met there before heading back to the casa. I was already at the store when he arrived, and it's like the whole world stops when I see him. I can't ever remember having someone in my life where I felt that way, even during that "rose glasses" time frame.

I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.

We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.

The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?

I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.

I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.

So why the hell am I my own roadblock?

Thoughts and musings

How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.

Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.

But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.

I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.

I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.

Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.

Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.

Moving on....

I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.

I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.

However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.

Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?

In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.

It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.

It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...

The day after...

Driving home yesterday, I had a plethora of blog topics floating through my head. Of course now that I can be in front of a computer- I'm void of all thought.

Well, not all thought, just blog topic thought.

The eldest left for Afghanistan yesterday. Always a downer, but I don't worry- or I try not to.
Test results came back for the good yesterday- not the bad. I didn't realize how much relief I'd feel, even though I thought I prepared myself for the bad news rather well. The instant release of emotion surprised me. It shouldn't, but it did.

I've been writing blogs for years. I was very active in the old yahoo 360 social network, but once that went bye bye, I can't say that I blog anywhere regularly. I like this space here at times because no one from my 'old' social network knows about me here. It's a sense of anonymity that I like. Why I'm not sure. The folks that I 'knew' were all supportive and engaging, but I'm done with that. I just want to spew for me, not for the masses.

I had a conversation with Jefe the other day, and he commented that he found being the subject of a blog a bit odd. I thought about it, and realized that even though I'm not putting specifics out there, identifying him- - recently (obviously) he's in the spotlight- if only by default.

I previously didn't look at it from that perspective. When I was in 360 land, TM was the subject of some of those blogs. He relished the attention. Which then brought back the realization that I was the 'trophy sub'. I was part of an online community, a very active member and without tooting my own horn, a popular one- simply because I was so involved. TM was instantly a part of that inner circle by association. It was his ticket to acceptance. Granted the public never saw the mounds of communication between him and I about things that needed to be fixed. As a matter of fact, it was the beginning of my blogging demise. I'm not one to not be good on the inside and put on a happy face just for the sake of a blog for some public persona.

Then later in another relationship- (too shortly after TM)- I was admonished for writing a blog about getting out of a speeding ticket, being grateful with a warning and receiving some comments asking if I resorted to 'favors' to get out of the ticket. All was meant in good fun, but it was the icing on the cake for the demise of that relationship.

I find it difficult to write at times now. I don't get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did, but I do still enjoy it. It's like I told Jefe, it's like having a thought, but once it goes in a blog it's like telling someone. It makes it real that way, not just in my head.

The end result after some pondering from him was that I keep writing. He's fine with it. He doesn't want the link, he would rather I keep writing for 'me' not with the notion that he might be reading it. *smiles* He 'gets' it.

I think there's a small part of me though that knows he might just read this at some point. I'm not sure I keep it in the forefront of my thought process as my fingers fly across the keys. I guess I'll find out if I ever have a "rant about him' blog. *grins*.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon. That's very unlike him. I hope everything is okay. I don't want to worry, but again this is not par for the course. I will wait it out... like I have any other choice haha.

I'm out of sorts today, maybe some of it is because I haven't had my daily dose of contact. I'm sure that's part of it. If something is wrong though, there is no one who knows how to get in touch with me. I know I'm over reacting, but hey I'm female- it's what we do.

So, I'm going to stop the blog for today, my mind isn't going where I want it to go.

Exhale

Well, I still haven't broken down and uttered those three lil words. He's aware that they're coming though. I'm thoughtful like that... *grins*.

We made a huge step this weekend. He came here to the house instead of me going up North. Here... in the house, with the brood. I would have to say we had a great time. He said he enjoyed himself, and I don't think he'd placate me. He wasn't bugging to get out of here early, no sudden 'things I gotta do came up', so methinks all was good from his perspective. Other than the normal zoo-like atmosphere of said domicile. There's always something that needs to be cleaned, fixed, straightened up etc. That's just a part of my life, and I could have done a clean sweep, but there was a part of me that wanted to say, this is me take me as I am, clutter and all.

As this relationship evolves, there are a few things that are becoming self evident. I never before really knew what it meant to please someone. Now I'm not talking "get on your knees and suck my cock" (I think that's part of the dominant's creed haha), but there's a time and place for that, and while it might be a mantra, it should do more than just dictate the direction of a relationship. Crud, forgot where I was going with this.... (quick reread)

Oh, yeah, okay, so what it means to please someone. Inherently I think we all know what it means to please someone, it doesn't have to be in a sexual sense, unless you're a completely selfish person, in general- you like to see those you care about happy. AND sometimes you have a part in making that happiness.

It doesn't matter which side of the d/s fence you're on.

Unless a dominant's goal in life is to never make a submissive happy, to rule by force and threat of punishment (and I know there are dominants like that out there), then in general a happy sub is a good sub, and one who 'wants' to please.

BUT, in my head, there's a fine line between, the phrase "on your knees" because someone is a dominant and that's the 'general edict' they set forth (been there/done that), and hearing those words and having that instant flutter of "yay!! I'm being told to do this, but it doesn't matter because I really, really want to anyway.

NOW, I know what it feels like to want to do that. To relish each moment I spend on my knees, or beside him, or beneath him, or on top of him... yeah you get the picture *grins* Yeah, even when I'm gagging and choking, and feeling completely inadequate in that department- - I am loving every minute of it.

He pushed a couple of limits this weekend, and it was an eye opening experience for me. I never ever would have imagined myself in either situation and complying with said request. In one case there was no hesitation. In the other, there was some. I was reminded that I can safe word, and I did think about it. In the end though, I complied. It was the only thing that would make me happy, and all because that's what he wanted me to do.

Now I say this with some past experience. I NEVER, and I do say that with capital letters and emphatically, would have engaged in such activities with previous relationships. All two of them. Why? I've asked myself since Friday...

The connection wasn't there. Even TM, the man I was collared to. I realize now, he doesn't know the meaning of it. It's what you're supposed to do in a BDSM relationship. You find someone and you collar them. I didn't know any better, so I went along for the ride. There was nothing 'earned' on my part. I did all the prerequisite introductory things, and poof, there it was. Now, there was an emotional relationship prior to that, months and months of one, but yeah, in retrospect... well and in present, it hasn't happened since.

Wearing something for playtime is one thing, I did that in one relationship. It made sense for that particular play, but I didn't like that either, because it wasn't 'mine'. Others had worn it for the same reason I wore it, and well... I just like to be the princess and feel it's mine. I'm entitled to those feelings, even if it's just in my head.

Anyway, I'm getting myself lost. Oh yes, so previously, I would have come up with every excuse in the book, probably gotten mad at the suggestion, more than likely even become indignant about the whole thing so it would be dropped.

But I didn't this time, he asked why I was hesitating, I explained, and that's when I was reminded of the option to safe word. He completely put the decision back on me, and I know he would have respected the use thereof, there's never a question of that, but it didn't feel right to me. Using the word would have been a cop out. I was not in any danger, technically not breaking any laws, so it was just me that I was fighting.

I did what felt right, I followed his direction and the second I decided to do so knew I made the right one. I was content and safe again. The safe meaning I felt back under the p/e umbrella.

I never looked at it like an umbrella before, but that's exactly what it is. The size is relative because it expands as the trust grows, but he's holding the handle and I can choose to stay covered, or brave the elements (figuratively). Choosing to either step or remain underneath is becoming so natural it's hard to fathom.

We had a great talk last night about the relationship, the intensity, the ebb/flow of the dynamic and how whatever it is, just works right. He is him, I am me... there's no alternate persona that takes over and says 'do this'.

I think that's where I was going earlier. I'm too lazy to scroll up and check so I'll just keep rolling with it.

I've labeled myself as a 'bedroom only' submissive. Mainly for the fact that once outside the bedroom, previous relationships have left me void of any feeling of p/e. Hence the reasons why I would have balked at the limit pushing above.

It's all about the emotional component. Anyone can profess feelings. I think for awhile you can even delude yourself into believing you actually feel those feelings (talking L word people and I don't mean Lesbians). I've learned the hard way that once you commit to admission of said emotion, in both cases it was a response not an initiation btw. Then it's a bargaining tool. "You would if you loved me" type of thing. Yes, this is within the last 5 years, not as a teenager and both men were older than I, and should have known better. However, as I sit here and write this, I realize it has nothing to do with knowing better, it has everything to do with manipulation and emotional guilt.

So I sit here and wrangle with the words I just wrote. It's almost that I'm trying to 'recover' from the notion that love is a bad emotion, or equates with manipulation or guilt. That's not what I'm trying to imply. What I mean is that if it's used before it should be, or responded to in kind when it shouldn't... it makes for bad juju.

I'm not going to make that mistake this time. Well I haven't, so I'm already one step ahead of the past failures in my life.

I know that Jefe would not do the emotional blackmail. He's not the type, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove about his dominance over me, or his manhood in general. He's confident in who he is.

It's that inherent confidence, and the natural way he exudes control that keeps me balanced and confident in how I serve him. Yes, even when choking and gagging, he's always there with kind words of encouragement.

I know that the possibilities for me to learn and grow into deeper service to him are not on the horizon, it's in there here and now. It happens every time we're together, there's always some nuance, and it doesn't always have to be physical that just draws me closer and makes me want to do more to please him.

It's the most wonderful place to be... enlightened as to how I 'knew' it could and should be, and be living it.

Coming to terms

I'm in... lock stock and barrel as they say. I'm madly in love with the man, but have been too chicken to tell him. It's one of those things I think he knows, but hasn't let on that he knows. If there is such a thing.

It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.

I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.

Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .

It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.

I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.

I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.

I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.

We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.

I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.

Ships, anchors, and saiing adrift

I probably shouldn't be writing this blog because I just had 36 uninterrupted hours alone with el jefe. I'm highly emotional today, crashing hard, and recovering from being wrecked in the best possible way.

It was an emotional time, in a plethora of ways- some wicked, some not. The some not is what keeps sending me over the edge today.

There were many unanswered questions in my last blog post. It was the first 'substantial' amount of time I had been able to spend with el Jefe. Since then I've traveled up to his place twice, without having to cut the visits short. This past weekend, I stayed two nights instead of the originally planned one.

We had a discussion about the frequency of our visits. He's frustrated, he wants more time together. So do I, logistically it's about as close to impossible as the two of us can get. Work keeps us apart during the week, and I have the kids so we can't do every single weekend. But in the last 5 weeks I've managed 3 visits, not a bad effort if I say so myself. However, I'd be a fool to think that we'll be able to sustain this good fortune.

Jefe doesn't see it as good fortune, or at least not as much as I do. He wants a partner, not a part time partner. I want more as well, I really do. I think I'm just more content to take things one day at a time, rather than look at the long term.

Wait that isn't entirely accurate, I am looking at the long term. I'm just not focusing on time together- long term is good as long as he's in it. I don't care how much time is involved. I think I'd be safe in saying I'll take whatever part of him I can get.

This is a complete turn around for me. I am the one who wants to escape, not give anyone my time. With Jefe, if I could give him every spare second I would. That concept scares the hell out of me. I count ages and determine at what stage I can do this... then this... until finally this.

Then I reason that let's say we lived closer, frequency would not necessarily give us quality. When we have time now, it's at least a day, maybe two to 2/5. Can't see the same quality in a 3 hr 'date', even if it did happen weekly. At least not compared to what we have now. I've had those relationships... get together 1 x week, sometimes 2 it didn't amount to much in quality. But quality is all in what you make of it.


The options

Quit now before more time goes on and then the potential for hurt is greater

Keep rolling and don't make a decision now.


We started the weekend with that conversation. I made my opinion very clear, he made his decision. I told him he needed to be sure of his decision. He's not 100%, but he agreed with me that what we have is too special for the both of us to quit now. I told him I can identify with his uncertainty, but moving forward we both need to be committed to it. I can't be the only one fighting for this.


Yes, I'm fighting for this. I've spoken to many who call themselves dominants, dated a few, had relationships (short or long term) with a couple others, none (some may be reading this who knows) and I mean none of them can hold a candle to this man. I am not blindly besotted either. Hell, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when we first started talking, neither was he for that matter. We get a chuckle out of that now.

It's not because he brings me places I've never been, both physically and mentally. It's not only those things, but it's part of those things. It's the connection we share that allows those things to happen. There's a level of intimacy that's gripped us both by the short hairs.

When I'm away from him a part of me is missing. That is an incredible feeling for me, previously I could have cared less quite frankly. Couldn't wait to get home, or back on a plane, or for him to leave. It's amazing how we trick our minds into thinking something is good because it satisfies a portion of what we're looking for.

I wrote in another blog awhile back that I go into relationships knowing there is an end somewhere. I don't believe it to be a self fulfilling prophesy, I think that I just knew that those people came into my life for a reason, and longevity wasn't it. There are lessons to be learned from our relationships with others in all contexts. I defined it as being a realist, and now I'm petrified that I might eat my own words.

I needed to learn what those d/s liaison's had to offer so I would be ready and recognize what I have before me.

Just like with any couple, what makes this work for us is what makes us unique. What we defined as our parameters as individuals have been met as a couple, except for this distance and time.

I know couples that have met online and have endured for months and years before they've ever met in person, some have yet to meet and it will be years before they can. But both parties in those relationships are 100% sure that it's worth any amount of time until they can be together. They are content with webcams, emails, instant messenger, and text messages to carry on their relationship, such that it is- - until that day comes.

We have 14-21 days of absence on average (well can't count the last 5 weeks because we haven't set up the actual cadence yet) surely that counts for something. It's more than many have, yet not as much as others.

If he's not 100% sure he can cope with limited time together,

Am I fighting a losing battle?

I'm afraid.... I am. I'm not used to being afraid. I'm petrified that I'll be left broken. On the ride home today, I kept my chin up, told myself I'll deal with the situation when it happens. The thing is, I'm already raw to the core. He's gotten so far inside my head- and we've only skimmed the surface of what we're capable of attaining together as a couple.

I'm not in control of this ship, my destiny is in his hands.

Flip the coin

It's amazing what a single day makes. I slept like crap last night, tossed and turned, and spent some time online at 3 am. I was glad I had work today, to take my mind off of my mopey thoughts. Communication was better today, albeit not spectacular, but typical. The last two days were somewhat typical as well. I was just highly negatively charged.

I'm still wary of peeling back any more layers until we've had a chance for a 'good' conversation. I brought up some things that he needs to ponder on, so the ball is in his court.

The fact remains that he has me captured, whether I want to admit it to myself or not. I just have to take my own feelings slowly. I'm not talking professing my love or something that drastic. God forbid, those words don't fly easily off these lips. But there is a sense of belonging that he has found.

He is and has found a way into my mind. Something I didn't think could happen to me again, but this time it feels and is different. We've already met, have seen each other a few times as a matter of fact. Couple that with virtual communication and hell that's like a year in online only time. It's different in that it's not a full complete exposure either, having only online and phone communication with someone leads to a deeper depth of exposure sure, because words are the only thing you have. However, when you have both the physical intimacy (as in being able to actually touch the person) all that sharing takes on a new meaning. On paper you can say whatever you want to coax a response from another person, but taking those words and having the opportunity to put them to practice... yeah THAT's what I'm talkin' about.


There's letting someone into your mind in the virtual realm. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that has it's place. I don't disregard the depth of emotion that one feels in an online only relationship. You can crave just as deep as the next person. It's no substitute for being able to touch, explore, taste, smell the other person in your life.

It's one thing to look at words and see into a person's soul, it's quite another to reach out hand hold it in your hand.

Moping in my mind

Yesterday sucked. Those who don't live with the dominant person in their life know exactly what I'm talking about. The day-after separation just sucks. It manifests in depression, anxiety, sadness, sometimes manic responses to what seems like everything. Not having a good distraction doesn't help any either.

Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.


During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.


Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.

My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.

Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.

Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?

I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.


I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.

I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.

New Dawn

I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.

By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.

Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.

I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.

It was an eye opening experience.

So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.

Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.

Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.

I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.

let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.

The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.

So this guy...

I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.

When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.

We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.

We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.

Or am I?

I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Oh, my God.

I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.

A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.

I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.

What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.

He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.

I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.