Going through the motions

That's all I seem to be doing today. I'm getting things accomplished, back on track with work and home, but there's an emptiness that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it.

I had almost two full weeks with Jefe. He's recuperating from surgery and I was more than eager to jump at the chance to be by his side while I could.

It was an interesting dynamic, him needing the help and me being in the 'area of control'. I didn't quite see it that way though. While I did what I do best, cater and ensure his comfort and health were seen to, I didn't feel that I was the one in control. I served his needs, offered some suggestions, recommended certain therapeutic remedies (no not sex), but even in the midst of his pain- - he was. There was never a doubt in my mind.

It was a different train of thought for me. Normally when someone I care about is ill in some way- it's a do this or that and I go into my natural (or unnatural depending upon your point of view) take charge mode.

I don't do that with him. It's odd. I go completely against everything else that I normally do, and just 'be' for him. There's no protocol in place for me to do that. I don't have to drop my clothes at the door, immediately fall to my knees. It's just a natural state of submissiveness for me. I'm perfectly comfortable just following his lead, or like with the last two weeks taking the latitudes he gave me given the situation to care for him.

I'm missing that today. My days were full of him, literally surrounding myself with him and his comfort, and today I have nothing. I'm not dropping like I thought I would. I just feel empty. I want to pour out a long email gushing with emotion, but he's dealing with this as well... why make it worse for him?

I brought home my collar this time. I don't usually. He understood that it will make things easier for me to be away from him this time.

I don't know when I'll be going back. It's back to school time around here, so I'm busy with that, and he may have the opportunity for some R&R at the shore, that would really help his recovery process. While it's certainly not a collar that I could wear in mixed company. I keep it close and I'm comforted by just touching it from time to time.

I feel guilty that I'm not there, by his side. I drive to his place and I feel like I'm coming home, and this place is just where I need to be for now.