Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Just a ramble of thoughts

The typical Monday has rolled into a tepid Tuesday. It's not that I'm feeling indifferent towards things, more like lost. Five days seems like an eternity.

I asked for an assignment, I haven't felt a need to do that, but I realize that I need one. Assignments for me are writing tasks. He picks a subject and I have to dive into my head and reveal what's there. We have impromptu discussions all the time, but it's been a few weeks since I've had a specific topic to ponder over. Some of the assignments are easier than others, but there have been a few that have been tough, more the creative assignments, the ones where I have to talk about a specific topic are easy for me. I guess I have so much to say about something.

Mondays and Tuesdays are tough for me. We're both going through drop, him in the headspace, and me in the subspace. I get spoiled simply by being with him, and then we go through this. I get lost during this time. More lost than I thought I ever would. It's not insecurity, it's just missing him. I can't complain much though, because he's going through his own shit, but it does make me blue nonetheless.

I will be away from him for almost a month, and it's coming up soon. If he isn't able to make it here this weekend, it will be a month before I will see him again. I can't fathom what that will be like. I'm dreading it both from my point of view and his. Granted, even if we lived closer, my schedule is such that it really wouldn't matter, but it would allow for brief contact- - depending on how close we were. Will this cement the distance factor for him? Will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Will he finally decide that the amount of time we'll be apart just isn't worth this loneliness we suffer after each visit? Either way, I told him that he had three weeks to get healthy because after that amount of time I'm going to drive up and ravage him.

I realize I'm way over analyzing here, but that's the way my brain works. Examine each and every facet until I drive myself crazy. Aren't you so glad you're here reading this dribble?

Am a barking up the wrong tree? Probably. The distance factor is our only stumbling block. The rest we've eased into nicely. Our dynamic flows without difficulty, and I think that ease makes the days without even more difficult. Of course, were we together more often, real life would interfere just like it does for everyone, and things might be different. All we have is what we have, and while it's not enough, we must settle for something that is exactly what we both want, just not at our fingertips.

It's something so many go through. Distance has never been a problem for me. I've said either here or in another blog somewhere, I couldn't wait for my escape, let me go back to my domain. It's just the opposite now. It's a measly three hours each way, but it's too much. I want him in my clutches much sooner than that drive allows.

But, I'll take him in any part of my life rather than not having him in it. The cold reality is though, that there are no guarantees, and I am constantly aware of that.

I also haven't started my petition for his collar. Not that I'm conflicted over wanting it, but there is a part of me that is unsure. The distance keeps cropping up in my head, preventing me from spewing forth with my desires. Of course the rational side of me says that he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of a collar, type, style, etc if he was ready or thinking about the distance factor as much as I have been.

A collar means something to us, it's his mark on me, his claim. Not that how I feel, or how he feels will be any different, but it will be different. I've read in numerous places that a collar is akin to a wedding ring. It's a promise of sorts, not legally binding like a marriage, but a formalization of a bond. It's a promise to each other to lead/follow.

So what's holding me back? Me. I'm doing too much analyzing and not enough doing again.

Ok, I'm starting to depress myself now, I better stop for today.

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