Sunday, April 24, 2011

Thoughts and musings

How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.

Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.

But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.

I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.

I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.

Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.

Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.

Moving on....

I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.

I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.

However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.

Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?

In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.

It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.

It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...

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