Monday, March 28, 2011

Ships, anchors, and saiing adrift

I probably shouldn't be writing this blog because I just had 36 uninterrupted hours alone with el jefe. I'm highly emotional today, crashing hard, and recovering from being wrecked in the best possible way.

It was an emotional time, in a plethora of ways- some wicked, some not. The some not is what keeps sending me over the edge today.

There were many unanswered questions in my last blog post. It was the first 'substantial' amount of time I had been able to spend with el Jefe. Since then I've traveled up to his place twice, without having to cut the visits short. This past weekend, I stayed two nights instead of the originally planned one.

We had a discussion about the frequency of our visits. He's frustrated, he wants more time together. So do I, logistically it's about as close to impossible as the two of us can get. Work keeps us apart during the week, and I have the kids so we can't do every single weekend. But in the last 5 weeks I've managed 3 visits, not a bad effort if I say so myself. However, I'd be a fool to think that we'll be able to sustain this good fortune.

Jefe doesn't see it as good fortune, or at least not as much as I do. He wants a partner, not a part time partner. I want more as well, I really do. I think I'm just more content to take things one day at a time, rather than look at the long term.

Wait that isn't entirely accurate, I am looking at the long term. I'm just not focusing on time together- long term is good as long as he's in it. I don't care how much time is involved. I think I'd be safe in saying I'll take whatever part of him I can get.

This is a complete turn around for me. I am the one who wants to escape, not give anyone my time. With Jefe, if I could give him every spare second I would. That concept scares the hell out of me. I count ages and determine at what stage I can do this... then this... until finally this.

Then I reason that let's say we lived closer, frequency would not necessarily give us quality. When we have time now, it's at least a day, maybe two to 2/5. Can't see the same quality in a 3 hr 'date', even if it did happen weekly. At least not compared to what we have now. I've had those relationships... get together 1 x week, sometimes 2 it didn't amount to much in quality. But quality is all in what you make of it.

The options

Quit now before more time goes on and then the potential for hurt is greater

Keep rolling and don't make a decision now.

We started the weekend with that conversation. I made my opinion very clear, he made his decision. I told him he needed to be sure of his decision. He's not 100%, but he agreed with me that what we have is too special for the both of us to quit now. I told him I can identify with his uncertainty, but moving forward we both need to be committed to it. I can't be the only one fighting for this.

Yes, I'm fighting for this. I've spoken to many who call themselves dominants, dated a few, had relationships (short or long term) with a couple others, none (some may be reading this who knows) and I mean none of them can hold a candle to this man. I am not blindly besotted either. Hell, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when we first started talking, neither was he for that matter. We get a chuckle out of that now.

It's not because he brings me places I've never been, both physically and mentally. It's not only those things, but it's part of those things. It's the connection we share that allows those things to happen. There's a level of intimacy that's gripped us both by the short hairs.

When I'm away from him a part of me is missing. That is an incredible feeling for me, previously I could have cared less quite frankly. Couldn't wait to get home, or back on a plane, or for him to leave. It's amazing how we trick our minds into thinking something is good because it satisfies a portion of what we're looking for.

I wrote in another blog awhile back that I go into relationships knowing there is an end somewhere. I don't believe it to be a self fulfilling prophesy, I think that I just knew that those people came into my life for a reason, and longevity wasn't it. There are lessons to be learned from our relationships with others in all contexts. I defined it as being a realist, and now I'm petrified that I might eat my own words.

I needed to learn what those d/s liaison's had to offer so I would be ready and recognize what I have before me.

Just like with any couple, what makes this work for us is what makes us unique. What we defined as our parameters as individuals have been met as a couple, except for this distance and time.

I know couples that have met online and have endured for months and years before they've ever met in person, some have yet to meet and it will be years before they can. But both parties in those relationships are 100% sure that it's worth any amount of time until they can be together. They are content with webcams, emails, instant messenger, and text messages to carry on their relationship, such that it is- - until that day comes.

We have 14-21 days of absence on average (well can't count the last 5 weeks because we haven't set up the actual cadence yet) surely that counts for something. It's more than many have, yet not as much as others.

If he's not 100% sure he can cope with limited time together,

Am I fighting a losing battle?

I'm afraid.... I am. I'm not used to being afraid. I'm petrified that I'll be left broken. On the ride home today, I kept my chin up, told myself I'll deal with the situation when it happens. The thing is, I'm already raw to the core. He's gotten so far inside my head- and we've only skimmed the surface of what we're capable of attaining together as a couple.

I'm not in control of this ship, my destiny is in his hands.

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