What a difference

A day makes.

Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.

The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.

Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!

Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.

I used to be. Not any more.

I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.

Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.

I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.

So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.

I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.

I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.

The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.

He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.

Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.

I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.

I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.

He
Owns
Me

what beautiful words.

Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.

I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.

To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.

His response

As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.

My god what beautiful words.

A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.

I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.

It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.

(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)

His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.

Long week

I was on business travel all of this week, and as nice as it is to travel and 'get away', I really don't care for it much. Sleeping in a bed that's not mine or familiar doesn't do much for a good night's sleep. I don't worry about the brood, they are in good hands during my absence.

This week was harder than most though because Jefe is really hurting, physically and mentally. His back injury is not putting his frame of mind in a very good space. Combine that with the fact that I'm still depressed over last weeks miscommunication of sorts, and well it just wasn't a very good week.

I realize that I over think. I'm an analyst...it's what we do!! However, no matter how many times I tried to make light of it, or make an excuse (in my head) the result was still the same. I'm bothered by it, very bothered by it.

The question is what am I going to do about it?

I can't let it fester, if I have too many more days like this I'll be ready for a prescription. I'm tired of having this hang over me like a cloud, casting its shadow. The shadow's getting longer instead of shorter.

Here's the part that's making me stupid. It's all verbal. I see the way he looks at me, feel the way he holds me and I know it's more than 'temptation'. I need to hear it though.

I am not told that I'm missed, or that I'm needed. I'm a temptation. See? I'm doing it again. Making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I can't stop thinking about it though. I have to tell him more than I did last Sunday because I feel it affecting each conversation.

I need to see him, be near him...

need....

It's not something I'm accustomed to.

Miscommunication

Things don't always come out as intended.

Today I was going, or should I say hoping to go up north and meet up with jefe and his friends for a short time. My intent was to surprise him, but I thought better of it and told him of my intentions.

At first he sounded happy, then given the situation, he suggested it would be better for me to stay home. I told him I was hurt, and why. His words weren't intended to hurt, but they did nonetheless. Doesn't he want to be near me as much as I want to be near him?

I went from elated to crushed within an hour.

I'm still crushed.

I'm having a very hard time with it.

The reasons were valid and thoughtful of me, but it's left me sad and empty.

I wanted nothing more than a few hours in his presence, to get that physical reassurance and mental affirmation of 'him'.

We parted the last time on a sombre note... I needed that rush of happiness I get when I see his face.

But, the D has spoken, and I am home. Missing him so much it physically aches.

Is he aching too?

Evaluating

Last weekend el jefe and I camped beneath the stars. It was a weekend of firsts for me in so many ways. I was naked in the wilderness, but not so desolate there wasn't any other soul. I heard cars or rather trucks in the not too far distance. I was nervous, excited, and on edge given my environment.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be strapped to a tree, led around by my leash with nothing but shoes on my feet and cuffs adorning my wrists and ankles. Last weekend I found out. I also found out I enjoyed it. It brought me deeper into my submission to him, and realized that I felt completely at ease putting my trust in him in a whole new fashion.

It was also the first weekend we were truly alone to experience bdsm activities without the use of a safe word. A few weeks back I broached the subject and told him I didn't want it anymore. He thought about it, and was in agreement. With the caviat that we'd discuss the to see if either of us wanted it back at any time, to which I readily agreed. Never even having been pushed to actually use a safeword in my past, this was a huge leap for both of us. He's never been in the drivers' seat to that extent. He's called it quits on his own accord or ended when a safe word was used, either by me or in his past. It's a heavy load to carry on a dominant's shoulders, one I felt he was ready to take on. Obviously, he felt ready as well.

Knowing I didn't have a safe word never left my conscious thought. There were a few times when I was strapped to the tree and the evil flogger bruised my flesh when I thought I might have been able to use it... before, but knowing it wasn't there pushed me. I knew he would decide when and if the flogging would stop. He would decide how much I had to endure for him, and for me. The decisions were his and his alone. I was confident in my decision, I felt myself fall deeper into his control, and I reveled in it.

He then set up a seat for himself and brought me to my knees to worship him, like any good slut should. Unable to use my hands, I lavished him with all the attention I could muster, before he took over and used me how he wanted to. Now there's a definite distinction between self imposed and imposed use. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, I will gag and retch, and I will fight to pull off of him to breathe and not puke. He will pull me back down and have his way. It's not something I find I can relax with, however much I want to- and I do want to.

Again, there was no safe word, and all the aforementioned things did happen, and then some. I resisted, and he pushed, I tugged and he pulled me back. I had saliva flowing from my mouth, mucus running from my nose, tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed at my appearance, gone was the demure slut, I was pulled into the depths of a wanton whore. Every girls dream... right? Looking back on it today, yes it was, but in the moment I was embarrassed to have him see me like that. I begged for relief, for a chance to compose myself, but he was unrelenting. He was going to use me the way he wanted to, for as long as he wanted to. It didn't matter to him if I was going to puke all over him, or drool, or make a complete mess of either one of us. It was humiliating, and degrading, but never once did he make me feel incompetent or belittle my efforts. He could have been mean, could have shoved my face down in the dirt and literally made me feel as worthless as I was making myself feel, but he didn't. He proved to me that he could take all the control from me and still make me want to give more.

At one point, he pulled up on my leash and held me inches from his face and asked me if I wanted my safe word back. I don't recall if there was a second or two of hesitation, but I shook my head no, without a doubt I didn't want it back. He affirmed that I did indeed want to be his slave and resumed his use.

It was a mind blowing experience, with minimal physical restraints, I felt more helpless than ever before, and more free than I've ever been.

When he finished with me, I laid there and cried. I have a tendency to do that when he pushes me that far, but previously it's been after calling 'red'. I don't know how much more I would have endured, but it didn't matter to me. I endured what he wanted me too.

As we sat and watched the sun set over the horizon, we talked about the intensity of the situation. I don't think I could verbalize how deep I went, or how close to him I felt. It's an addicting endorphin to be that immersed and free. I want to be there again and again.

He said something that surprised me, after we finished that talk and yapped about other things...
He said he had been contemplating my profile (on the mega bdsm site) and considering publicly linking me to him. Considering how private he is, I was dumbfounded. I told him I would be honored to have that attachment. He also said he's considering requesting my passwords. To what I asked. To everything he replied. I surprised myself when I shrugged and said, ok let me know.

A few years ago, the other dom (capital removed for intent) and I talked about exchanging passwords, and I flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt that I wouldn't share that with him. I'm not talking about banking PIN, I'm talking the public social media, but I wouldn't. Not because I had something to hide, but it was an invasion of privacy. I could have cared less about his passwords, he had nothing of any interest to me, but there was no way in hell I was giving him mine. Oh well, was my train of thought. Deal with it.


Even though the subject never came up again, my feelings never changed. I would never give him passwords. I guess I never truly trusted him with me or anything mine.

With el jefe, it just feels right. Another step in the depths of his control.

He hasn't asked for them yet, but I'm sure he's doing his evaluating as well.

He also reads my blog over at that other site. That surprised me as well. I don't ever see his name when I look at the 'recently viewed' list. Not that I write things I wouldn't want him to see, but I honestly didn't think that he was reading. He also mentioned that he was glad I didn't join the group he belonged to, because he was sure I'd read his posts. In all honesty, I hadn't read his posts in some time. I felt it was an invasion of his privacy, but now that he's mentioned it, I will admit, I've gone and read his questions and his answers. Personally, I think most of the people in that group have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to their own self importance, but they do have interesting things to say from time to time.

One of his recent questions has to do with a topic he and I touched on during our night under the stars. One that affects me deeply, and am helpless to do much about it. I can see that it's weighing heavily on his mind as well, but we don't have answers. I'm glad he's seeking counsel from people he values.

I want that night back. There's nothing I would change, with the exception of some bug spray haha, but I want it back. I need to feel it again.

Days without him become unbearable in some ways, in most ways. How I wished he was here when I returned home yesterday. Alas, he wasn't, and it will be two more weeks before we will next see each other, maybe three.

Well, this blog is long enough. I may post again today, as I have more things on my mind.

until then.... live.

Warmth

There's a certain feeling of warmth and togetherness that can be felt even when you're not in the presence of that other person.

Just a ramble of thoughts

The typical Monday has rolled into a tepid Tuesday. It's not that I'm feeling indifferent towards things, more like lost. Five days seems like an eternity.

I asked for an assignment, I haven't felt a need to do that, but I realize that I need one. Assignments for me are writing tasks. He picks a subject and I have to dive into my head and reveal what's there. We have impromptu discussions all the time, but it's been a few weeks since I've had a specific topic to ponder over. Some of the assignments are easier than others, but there have been a few that have been tough, more the creative assignments, the ones where I have to talk about a specific topic are easy for me. I guess I have so much to say about something.

Mondays and Tuesdays are tough for me. We're both going through drop, him in the headspace, and me in the subspace. I get spoiled simply by being with him, and then we go through this. I get lost during this time. More lost than I thought I ever would. It's not insecurity, it's just missing him. I can't complain much though, because he's going through his own shit, but it does make me blue nonetheless.

I will be away from him for almost a month, and it's coming up soon. If he isn't able to make it here this weekend, it will be a month before I will see him again. I can't fathom what that will be like. I'm dreading it both from my point of view and his. Granted, even if we lived closer, my schedule is such that it really wouldn't matter, but it would allow for brief contact- - depending on how close we were. Will this cement the distance factor for him? Will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Will he finally decide that the amount of time we'll be apart just isn't worth this loneliness we suffer after each visit? Either way, I told him that he had three weeks to get healthy because after that amount of time I'm going to drive up and ravage him.

I realize I'm way over analyzing here, but that's the way my brain works. Examine each and every facet until I drive myself crazy. Aren't you so glad you're here reading this dribble?

Am a barking up the wrong tree? Probably. The distance factor is our only stumbling block. The rest we've eased into nicely. Our dynamic flows without difficulty, and I think that ease makes the days without even more difficult. Of course, were we together more often, real life would interfere just like it does for everyone, and things might be different. All we have is what we have, and while it's not enough, we must settle for something that is exactly what we both want, just not at our fingertips.

It's something so many go through. Distance has never been a problem for me. I've said either here or in another blog somewhere, I couldn't wait for my escape, let me go back to my domain. It's just the opposite now. It's a measly three hours each way, but it's too much. I want him in my clutches much sooner than that drive allows.

But, I'll take him in any part of my life rather than not having him in it. The cold reality is though, that there are no guarantees, and I am constantly aware of that.

I also haven't started my petition for his collar. Not that I'm conflicted over wanting it, but there is a part of me that is unsure. The distance keeps cropping up in my head, preventing me from spewing forth with my desires. Of course the rational side of me says that he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of a collar, type, style, etc if he was ready or thinking about the distance factor as much as I have been.

A collar means something to us, it's his mark on me, his claim. Not that how I feel, or how he feels will be any different, but it will be different. I've read in numerous places that a collar is akin to a wedding ring. It's a promise of sorts, not legally binding like a marriage, but a formalization of a bond. It's a promise to each other to lead/follow.

So what's holding me back? Me. I'm doing too much analyzing and not enough doing again.

Ok, I'm starting to depress myself now, I better stop for today.

Typical Monday

Thursday afternoon, Jefe asked if I wanted to come up, and of course I took the opportunity as offered. We didn't have anything going on, so by noon I was enroute. The three hours doesn't seem like forever anymore.

As always, I had a wonderful time. Just being next to him is what matters. Of course our continued exploration of bdsm and each other leaves me breathless in so many ways. The things he does physically, the emotional connection is something I never experienced, and probably never will. It's made a good many things I've read about in some blogs around the web make complete sense.

We've made great strides making time to see each other. We manage every weekend, still can't do during the week though, with work schedules. That is really getting to both of us. He thought it was a bit easier on me because I always seem to have something going on, or someone around me, but that's not the case. I want to be with him, not just on the weekends, but each and every day. I want to fall asleep and wake up next to him like I get to do every 5 or 6 days.

It's not enough, I want more. I am selfishly wanting to devote more time to him. My hands are tied and not in a good way. His are too.

It becomes weary and draining. We have devoted time, even when people are around us, but then the immediate separation sucks. I try to put on a happy face when I chat at him, but some weeks I can't, some weeks I don't want to be strong. I need him to be stronger and carry me. It just sucks. We both seem to come out of our funks by Wednesday. I think subliminally we both know the weekend is right around the corner.

I'm just venting today, pay me no mind.

Progression

My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.

I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).

There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.

I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.


Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.

So why?

So at some point I can say enough?

I don't want to have that control anymore.

So I brought it up.

We talked.

It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.

He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....

It's all in his hands.

I like it in his hands.

I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.

He asks.

He gets.

He wants.

He receives.

I would have it no other way.

Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.

He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...

He wants me to be me.

I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but

I need for only him to be him.

The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.

I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.

There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.

To beg....

Needy

The clock is ticking, I can't wait for the weekend. I need to feel his arms around me, see that look in his eye, and taste his lips.

Of course everything else that goes along with it.

More cerebral activity

As the week progresses, I have come to grips with what I need to do, and am going to tell him this weekend. It might not be the best timing, but if I don't tell him, I'm going to keep beating myself up.

I've reflected on various conversations we had last weekend, and it's put me in a much better mind space than I was in on Monday, and even yesterday. The fog has lifted and am now resolved. I knew from the beginning that I was being foolish, but needed the time. I had to sort everything out and remove all of my doubts and insecurities.

Today I am a new person. It's as if I woke with a whole new understanding on me. Which I suppose I did.

I've been doing some reading today on Fet.... interesting groups that I hadn't perused before. All topics Jefe and I have spoken about, nothing new per se at least in conversation. One of the topics was on the "mind fuck", and I realized how effortlessly he does that. Whether it's in a full scene, or just a passing comment.... he never fails to capitalize on something I've said in previous conversations or writings.

Over the weekend he remembered such comment and while in the midst of company, he whispered it in my ear. I froze instantly and looked out the window, envisioning what he said. Now, at the time, I remember thinking "he wouldn't" "it's just a mind fuck". He's very private, so doing something when company is present, so I really did dismiss the comment. Regardless, at the moment he accomplished the mind fuck. But today I realized he very well could have made it happen. I also realized (today), that I don't know what I would have done if he did indeed make it a command rather than a threat.

Would I have used my safeword to say no? It's difficult to look back on the situation and truly know. I can 'see' some discussion and the reminder as to the way out. Once again the decision would be mine and mine alone.

I have a hard time denying the man anything, it's near impossible, but he hasn't pushed me to 'that point' which all I can think of is something that involves the public, innocent bystanders, oh hell who am I kidding, anyone else...

It's one thing for him to use me in private, it's another for him to use me with people around. Use comes in many forms. It doesn't mean fucking or overt sexual behavior. When we were in the store, he took his liberties, and he knew I was uncomfortable. He enjoyed how red my face got. Once again, something Ms. Public Prim n Proper NEVER would consider before. Yet, what did I do to stop him?

Not a damned thing, because the truth of the matter is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that he took what he wanted to take, that he is confident enough in himself and his control over me to "do" instead of just "talk". The mind fuck only goes so far. Suggest it once okay, talk about it numerous times without acting on it and then it becomes just something else not followed through with.

So, I wonder if after the "imaginary discussion" whether I would have opted out. There is a small part of me, and it's growing that sees me following through.

In some ways, that's scary for me. No individual has ever had that kind of power over me. It's one of those things that I've read about, how women will go to exponential lengths to satisfy/prove/serve their dominants, and I can see that happening with me.

As I've told him, if it's in my power, then it is done.

So, yeah, I guess I answered that question now didn't I.

Recovering from my own thoughts

I've done some serious thinking since my post on Sunday night. I am thoroughly irritated with myself over my inability to verbally relate my feelings to him. It affected most of my day yesterday, and I'm not sure if my angst has pushed him away.

It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.

Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.

One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.

It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.

I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.

Tonight I think I need to write to him.

Why is it so hard?

Spent the weekend up north again. We had some things to do in town, so we met there before heading back to the casa. I was already at the store when he arrived, and it's like the whole world stops when I see him. I can't ever remember having someone in my life where I felt that way, even during that "rose glasses" time frame.

I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.

We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.

The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?

I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.

I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.

So why the hell am I my own roadblock?

Thoughts and musings

How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.

Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.

But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.

I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.

I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.

Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.

Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.

Moving on....

I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.

I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.

However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.

Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?

In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.

It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.

It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...

The day after...

Driving home yesterday, I had a plethora of blog topics floating through my head. Of course now that I can be in front of a computer- I'm void of all thought.

Well, not all thought, just blog topic thought.

The eldest left for Afghanistan yesterday. Always a downer, but I don't worry- or I try not to.
Test results came back for the good yesterday- not the bad. I didn't realize how much relief I'd feel, even though I thought I prepared myself for the bad news rather well. The instant release of emotion surprised me. It shouldn't, but it did.

I've been writing blogs for years. I was very active in the old yahoo 360 social network, but once that went bye bye, I can't say that I blog anywhere regularly. I like this space here at times because no one from my 'old' social network knows about me here. It's a sense of anonymity that I like. Why I'm not sure. The folks that I 'knew' were all supportive and engaging, but I'm done with that. I just want to spew for me, not for the masses.

I had a conversation with Jefe the other day, and he commented that he found being the subject of a blog a bit odd. I thought about it, and realized that even though I'm not putting specifics out there, identifying him- - recently (obviously) he's in the spotlight- if only by default.

I previously didn't look at it from that perspective. When I was in 360 land, TM was the subject of some of those blogs. He relished the attention. Which then brought back the realization that I was the 'trophy sub'. I was part of an online community, a very active member and without tooting my own horn, a popular one- simply because I was so involved. TM was instantly a part of that inner circle by association. It was his ticket to acceptance. Granted the public never saw the mounds of communication between him and I about things that needed to be fixed. As a matter of fact, it was the beginning of my blogging demise. I'm not one to not be good on the inside and put on a happy face just for the sake of a blog for some public persona.

Then later in another relationship- (too shortly after TM)- I was admonished for writing a blog about getting out of a speeding ticket, being grateful with a warning and receiving some comments asking if I resorted to 'favors' to get out of the ticket. All was meant in good fun, but it was the icing on the cake for the demise of that relationship.

I find it difficult to write at times now. I don't get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did, but I do still enjoy it. It's like I told Jefe, it's like having a thought, but once it goes in a blog it's like telling someone. It makes it real that way, not just in my head.

The end result after some pondering from him was that I keep writing. He's fine with it. He doesn't want the link, he would rather I keep writing for 'me' not with the notion that he might be reading it. *smiles* He 'gets' it.

I think there's a small part of me though that knows he might just read this at some point. I'm not sure I keep it in the forefront of my thought process as my fingers fly across the keys. I guess I'll find out if I ever have a "rant about him' blog. *grins*.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon. That's very unlike him. I hope everything is okay. I don't want to worry, but again this is not par for the course. I will wait it out... like I have any other choice haha.

I'm out of sorts today, maybe some of it is because I haven't had my daily dose of contact. I'm sure that's part of it. If something is wrong though, there is no one who knows how to get in touch with me. I know I'm over reacting, but hey I'm female- it's what we do.

So, I'm going to stop the blog for today, my mind isn't going where I want it to go.

Exhale

Well, I still haven't broken down and uttered those three lil words. He's aware that they're coming though. I'm thoughtful like that... *grins*.

We made a huge step this weekend. He came here to the house instead of me going up North. Here... in the house, with the brood. I would have to say we had a great time. He said he enjoyed himself, and I don't think he'd placate me. He wasn't bugging to get out of here early, no sudden 'things I gotta do came up', so methinks all was good from his perspective. Other than the normal zoo-like atmosphere of said domicile. There's always something that needs to be cleaned, fixed, straightened up etc. That's just a part of my life, and I could have done a clean sweep, but there was a part of me that wanted to say, this is me take me as I am, clutter and all.

As this relationship evolves, there are a few things that are becoming self evident. I never before really knew what it meant to please someone. Now I'm not talking "get on your knees and suck my cock" (I think that's part of the dominant's creed haha), but there's a time and place for that, and while it might be a mantra, it should do more than just dictate the direction of a relationship. Crud, forgot where I was going with this.... (quick reread)

Oh, yeah, okay, so what it means to please someone. Inherently I think we all know what it means to please someone, it doesn't have to be in a sexual sense, unless you're a completely selfish person, in general- you like to see those you care about happy. AND sometimes you have a part in making that happiness.

It doesn't matter which side of the d/s fence you're on.

Unless a dominant's goal in life is to never make a submissive happy, to rule by force and threat of punishment (and I know there are dominants like that out there), then in general a happy sub is a good sub, and one who 'wants' to please.

BUT, in my head, there's a fine line between, the phrase "on your knees" because someone is a dominant and that's the 'general edict' they set forth (been there/done that), and hearing those words and having that instant flutter of "yay!! I'm being told to do this, but it doesn't matter because I really, really want to anyway.

NOW, I know what it feels like to want to do that. To relish each moment I spend on my knees, or beside him, or beneath him, or on top of him... yeah you get the picture *grins* Yeah, even when I'm gagging and choking, and feeling completely inadequate in that department- - I am loving every minute of it.

He pushed a couple of limits this weekend, and it was an eye opening experience for me. I never ever would have imagined myself in either situation and complying with said request. In one case there was no hesitation. In the other, there was some. I was reminded that I can safe word, and I did think about it. In the end though, I complied. It was the only thing that would make me happy, and all because that's what he wanted me to do.

Now I say this with some past experience. I NEVER, and I do say that with capital letters and emphatically, would have engaged in such activities with previous relationships. All two of them. Why? I've asked myself since Friday...

The connection wasn't there. Even TM, the man I was collared to. I realize now, he doesn't know the meaning of it. It's what you're supposed to do in a BDSM relationship. You find someone and you collar them. I didn't know any better, so I went along for the ride. There was nothing 'earned' on my part. I did all the prerequisite introductory things, and poof, there it was. Now, there was an emotional relationship prior to that, months and months of one, but yeah, in retrospect... well and in present, it hasn't happened since.

Wearing something for playtime is one thing, I did that in one relationship. It made sense for that particular play, but I didn't like that either, because it wasn't 'mine'. Others had worn it for the same reason I wore it, and well... I just like to be the princess and feel it's mine. I'm entitled to those feelings, even if it's just in my head.

Anyway, I'm getting myself lost. Oh yes, so previously, I would have come up with every excuse in the book, probably gotten mad at the suggestion, more than likely even become indignant about the whole thing so it would be dropped.

But I didn't this time, he asked why I was hesitating, I explained, and that's when I was reminded of the option to safe word. He completely put the decision back on me, and I know he would have respected the use thereof, there's never a question of that, but it didn't feel right to me. Using the word would have been a cop out. I was not in any danger, technically not breaking any laws, so it was just me that I was fighting.

I did what felt right, I followed his direction and the second I decided to do so knew I made the right one. I was content and safe again. The safe meaning I felt back under the p/e umbrella.

I never looked at it like an umbrella before, but that's exactly what it is. The size is relative because it expands as the trust grows, but he's holding the handle and I can choose to stay covered, or brave the elements (figuratively). Choosing to either step or remain underneath is becoming so natural it's hard to fathom.

We had a great talk last night about the relationship, the intensity, the ebb/flow of the dynamic and how whatever it is, just works right. He is him, I am me... there's no alternate persona that takes over and says 'do this'.

I think that's where I was going earlier. I'm too lazy to scroll up and check so I'll just keep rolling with it.

I've labeled myself as a 'bedroom only' submissive. Mainly for the fact that once outside the bedroom, previous relationships have left me void of any feeling of p/e. Hence the reasons why I would have balked at the limit pushing above.

It's all about the emotional component. Anyone can profess feelings. I think for awhile you can even delude yourself into believing you actually feel those feelings (talking L word people and I don't mean Lesbians). I've learned the hard way that once you commit to admission of said emotion, in both cases it was a response not an initiation btw. Then it's a bargaining tool. "You would if you loved me" type of thing. Yes, this is within the last 5 years, not as a teenager and both men were older than I, and should have known better. However, as I sit here and write this, I realize it has nothing to do with knowing better, it has everything to do with manipulation and emotional guilt.

So I sit here and wrangle with the words I just wrote. It's almost that I'm trying to 'recover' from the notion that love is a bad emotion, or equates with manipulation or guilt. That's not what I'm trying to imply. What I mean is that if it's used before it should be, or responded to in kind when it shouldn't... it makes for bad juju.

I'm not going to make that mistake this time. Well I haven't, so I'm already one step ahead of the past failures in my life.

I know that Jefe would not do the emotional blackmail. He's not the type, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove about his dominance over me, or his manhood in general. He's confident in who he is.

It's that inherent confidence, and the natural way he exudes control that keeps me balanced and confident in how I serve him. Yes, even when choking and gagging, he's always there with kind words of encouragement.

I know that the possibilities for me to learn and grow into deeper service to him are not on the horizon, it's in there here and now. It happens every time we're together, there's always some nuance, and it doesn't always have to be physical that just draws me closer and makes me want to do more to please him.

It's the most wonderful place to be... enlightened as to how I 'knew' it could and should be, and be living it.