Results come in many ways. When I last wrote, I mentioned my transgression with the toilet. It wasn't something I did consciously, and I'd only been at that for less than 24 hours when I forgot to ask permission to use the bathroom.
I was reminded later on of my mistake, and was told my punishment was being deliberated. I've never been punished. Probably should have been for attitude and such over the last year, but I haven't been to date. I was mortified, and nervous. What would he do? How would he punish me? I've read plenty of things on masochism to know that there's a distinction between pain for pleasure and pain as punishment. I was going to feel the latter, and was not happy with myself for bringing it on.
My saving grace through this thought process was that whatever the punishment was, it was not going to be loud, given our room's proximity to the kids rooms. At least that's what I told myself.
There had been nothing else spoken about it, until bedtime. Part of me hoped that he'd forgotten because it had been such a lovely evening. However, I soon realized that he hadn't.
I was told to kneel and spoken to like a parent to a child. I felt stupid and childish. He reminded me that this is what I requested. I agreed and apologized. All the while his fingers gripped my nipples tighter than tight. In a firm masterful voice, he informed me that if I forgot again, punishment would be severe. I was tempted to ask what severe meant, I was also tempted to lay claim that it was an innocent mistake and this was all still new. However, for a rare moment in my life, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and to accept the glove that fate offered me.
I'll not forget about asking any time soon.
Yesterda was a long day. Lots of work work to keep me busy, and I didn't shut the computer down until well after 8 pm. Shuffled the kids off to bed at 9 pm and then informed himself that I was taking a shower- expecting him to join me. My ass pounding was interrupted in the morning due to kids leaving for school and knocks on the door, so I expected to resume the ass pounding in the evening.
I had to go to the bathroom, but not bad, and again I thought he'd join me in the shower and he'd get yet another chance to 'humililate' me by making me pee in front of him. I also had the notion to give myself an enema, so I'd be thoroughly clean for him when he decided to take me. Now the normal procedure for me to self administer is to do so in the shower. I half wondered whether he'd sneak in and watch me, but he didn't so I continued with my normal routine. Shave the legs etc. As I shaved the first leg, it then dawned on me that I'd soon have to go expel, but I didn't ask first, and he had no idea that I'd done the enema. I held out hope that he would be in to join me, but it was soon obvious that he wasn't. I was nearing the point of no return.
There was no way I could run through the house dripping wet to the patio and ask. I'd never make it. Then I thought of the small bathroom window. I could holler for him through there and ask what I needed to ask. So I scooted from the shower, dripped everywhere and slid open the window. Once I hollered for him, I realized I couldn't hear anything he said. So that was futile. I could only hope he'd respond, or I would for sure receive the punishment I was promised.
Damn idiot I was.
I hopped back in the water and stood there, beginning to tremble from holding it in. I opened the curtain and saw him. What a welcomed site. I called him over and explained my situation. He looked surprised at first, and a little disappointed until I told him I didn't 'go' yet. I was given permission, and relief was had.
I'll have to think more clearly next time I decide to go forth with a decision. We ended up with a good chuckle out of it anyway.
This asking permission thing, is a good thing. It's keeping me focused on who has the control. Being so alpha, it makes it difficult at times not to just keep the status quo. I want the control, no let me rephrase that, I want HIM to have the control over me. I need him to have that control over me.
I've always been a slave to my cunt. Fuck it well and I'll walk over hot coals for you. Maybe it's not such a strong point in one's character, but I'm learning over this past week that it takes more than just a good fuck to put my mind where it needs to be in this D/s realm.
For example, when it comes time for a scene or play or just sex, I snap out of 'me' and step 'into' the woman who lets her man have his way. It's a great way to live, especially when one has a One who loves nothing more than to have that control. A good 'session' always makes me more compliant and 'pliable if you will, but there was something missing.
Opening up about this humiliation thing was just the trick. It has snapped my mind into a place where it needs to be to accept more than just my physical body being in his control. It puts my mind there as well. I mean I can't go take a pee without asking. How basic is that?
It feels odd to have put that control in his hands. Granted it's still new, but I like it thus far. I remember him telling me his previous submissive 'required' that type of control, and for the life of me, couldn't figure out why. Why was it a 'need' and not a 'want'. I recognize it now. It's not a 'need' for me. I could live without it. My needs v wants for him are on a much more basic level. I need emotional security, emotional protection for me and all that is mine- stuff like that. I don't have specific lifestyle needs such as when we scene- I need this or that. Many people do, it's just not one of the things I think is essential in my life. I've put my trust in this man, and I'm not going to dictate what he chooses to do in a scene. My needs list is what I need out of the relationship from a man to a woman, nothing more, nothing less.
Maybe there should be more than one needs/wants list. One for every day and one geared just for the lifestyle. Maybe that's all part of negotiation, I don't know. I do know this though, this past week has been different. I see it, I feel it, and I know it. In my head- I know it.
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9 months ago