Thursday, March 5, 2009

Screwed Up

Not my head, just me. I've delved into the world of erotic humiliation, another step in the exploration of me, and what makes me tick. The Man and I have talked about this need for quite some time, and basically, everything he tries- I just don't find humiliating.

So we were at a cross roads. How could I explain this need to him, if I couldn't explain it to myself. He mused the other day, that I'm a slut and enjoy everything he does. That's very true. The amount of trust we've built in the last 1.5 years is incredible to say the least. I'm also very comfortable around him, so when I'm made to do something, I'm not humiliated. What could be more humiliating than squatting on the floor and peeing on a pee pad in a hotel room? Yeah, I just put myself in the mindset that it had to be done, and in reality, I didn't mind doing it- so as a result, not humiliating.

I did some web searching on the subject and found a few articles that helped to enlighten me. Now, neither one of us are 'into' public humiliation, and after reading an article about the effects of such treatment on an unwitting public, cemented the fact that we cannot arbitrarily do things in public. Now if he were to do things in the company of fellow lifestylers, that would be humiliating. But we aren't going there yet.

Now, for a moment, I must digress. I have a Loving Dominant. We are 24/7 at present, and have been for a couple of months now. We pretty much limit our D/s to control of my body, in and out of the bedroom. The family as a unit now, is not ready for me to give up the reins, and quite frankly, neither am I. There are certain household decisions that are mine, and will probably always remain mine. For now, we're finding a nice mix.

Back to my screw up. After reading about humiliation, and distinctions regarding degradation, I realized that many things we do are humbling and I experience a certain sense of humility in my service to him. Things like crawling, splaying myself open, kneeling etc. These are every day activities and deepen my submission to him, because they are things I do and have done only for him.

So I decided to open up the floodgates and really dive into the depths of my mind and come up with a list of things that would embarrass me, some of them were brash, some of them were subtle. The same night I wrote the journal to him, he tried a few of the items on the list, and I have to say it was one night neither one of us will forget.

One of the things on the list was asking permission to toilet. Now we hadn't actually discussed the list yesterday (wrote it the night before last), but I took it upon myself to initiate some other things on there, like this one. I came home from work early, He had to go out. While he was out I texted the question, and he answered back right away. I was telling him, without telling him, that I was serious about this level of submission to him.

Today I totally screwed up. I went to the bathroom numerous times today, twice right in front of him without even thinking about asking. Slip of the mind? I'm not sure. He mentioned it just a few minutes ago, and is now plotting my punishment. I've never been punished by him before. There's never been a need. This will be a first, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Why oh why did I have to write that list? Why oh why did I have to suggest punishment for non compliance?

Yes, it seems to me that I love plotting my own demise....

I'll keep you posted.

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