Raw

This past week was one of great stress.  I  have been an unhappy servant (not sure what I am today, so servant will do) .  We're both sitting in a 'bad' place.  We want nothing more than to be in the same place, but life and circumstances are keeping us from that opportunity.

What makes it more difficult is that we're both problem solvers, and when we see something that needs doing, we do.  In this instance, we both feel helpless to make it happen.

While the move wouldn't be earth-shattering, it would mean I leave my job, the kids leave their schools and a complete change in how they live.

I love country living myself, but this would be beyond a culture shock.  This is living off the land kind of living, not churning our own butter, but learning how NOT to live is a better term.

I'm contemplating how I can make this work, short of having a 400 mile daily commute, I'm not sure how, but in the scheme of things that seems like a small concession.  Time will tell, but we do have to work toward something.

Baby Steps

He's letting me in finally. Nothing he revealed was anything I didn't already know, but the point was he's letting me in.  Recognizing the need to do that is half the battle, feeling confident in your partner to be receptive is the other half.

He conquered both yesterday.  Tomorrow he may retreat, but yesterday he conquered a battle.

That's what counts.

It's going to be a tough road ahead of us, tougher than the entire last year was.  I'm trying not to withdraw into a little shell in fear of being heartbroken, but unless something drastic changes in our living arrangements, I really don't see how this can survive.  It's not enough for either one of us and how long can you pretend that it works until there's just nothing left but excuses for missed visits, less communication, and then finally resentment.

Now there is a chance, and that's the one I'm pulling for (notice the cheerleader get up) that we will make it through.  Lord knows we're both trying, neither one of us want to give up this once in a lifetime special relationship that we both recognize for what it is.

Sometimes the writing is on the wall, the font may vary.

A strange thing...

Only worked a half day in the office today. The plan was to escape and come home to finish up some things that have fallen by the wayside because of the large amount of time spent in testing mode for the past few weeks.

I managed to get one of those tasks done to my satisfaction, and tomorrow is a work from home day, so hopefully I'll clear the larger one off my plate with a new day and full day with no distractions.

I just got the strangest phone call.

If y'all remember, the kids and I went to the Ren Fair on Monday. There was a vendor there selling his photographs. Beautiful landscapes of various spots in AZ. Absolutely incredible. I wandered through his space, made small talk with him, asked if he had a website, blah blah blah.

I wasn't going to make an impulse purchase, until I came across this one work. It simply grabbed me, I had to have it.

So I bought it and it is now hanging above my bed.

During the transaction, I used my debit card, so he had to get the pertinent info in case something didn't go through.

So he just called, not to see if I liked the photo, but to ask if I was married. 

I was dumbfounded. I told him I was in a relationship and was flattered that he made a call to ask. 

The blonde was in my room and she had all she could do not to burst out laughing.

I don't believe something like that has ever happened to me in this manner before.

I have to go across the street and tell the bff.

too funny

Continuation

I've done much reflecting since my post the other night. There hasn't been much of a change in his behavior, although we did have a good talk yesterday.  Today I sent off an email, posing my questions and response to our conversation. I voiced my opinion and let him know I was struggling with some concepts.

I acknowledge that my behavior is bordering on childish, and I'm doing much much thinking on and about it.  I've come to a few conclusions today.  Servitude, while voluntary, stretches beyond the daily obvious and into the sublime.  It's easy to react/respond, but as a submissive/slave it's not always easy to take the initiative.  Mindset for me is key, and I let it fall by the wayside when we go through the ebb tide in the relationship.

Key words there "I let it fall by the wayside".

It's not up to him to keep me in what I call my serving space.  Keeping myself there is not as easy as it would seem.

In my head a power exchange can't be present if only one person is or appears to be working at it full time.  I'm also letting ego get in my way, and digging my heels in (wrongly) because I "feel" like I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I'm letting my pride get in the way. Pride and ego are two things that can harm the M/s dynamic. When I take pride in serving him and pleasing him, that's one thing.  But to be holding back from him because of pride and ego- that's entirely another.

I'm owned, willingly and voluntarily, so when did it evolve that I am the one to decide how much attention I deserve?

I understand what's going on with him, why he goes silent, what's on his plate in recent weeks.  I need to get past this notion that I have this independent self that is rearing her Domme head and stomping her feet for attention, or trying to justify why I am not behaving a certain way.

It's not so easy to give up one's self when one is feeling selfish.

nothing to stop it

Most of what I write here these days is when I am agst'ng about my relationship.  I don't mean to bore anyone, but this is one place I can vent.

He really pissed me off today, actually he's been gradually upping the pissed of factor steadily over the last two weeks.  I didn't get disrespectful, I kept my cool, but did reply to a message with a single "fine".

We haven't spoken since.

Every relationship has ups and downs, and I don't write nearly enough about all the ups we have. There are plenty of those.

These last two weeks are testing every ounce of sub patience I have.  I'm not putting any extra effort into the dynamic, taking a very dominant attitude if you ask me.

I realize this, but am doing nothing to stop it.

I know it's wrong, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

I'm supposed to be pleasing, that's what a slave is supposed to do, right?  I'm not acting slavish.  I don't think he's acting very Master-ish either. I'm not trying to be manipulating, or topping from the bottom.  I'm simply not putting any extra effort, because quite frankly, I don't think he is either.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

We'll get through it, and I'll probably have some sore flesh over my actions.

And I'll be doing nothing to stop it.  I won't try and escape, plead, bargain, or manipulate.

I'm not consciously or unconsciously asking for a punishment.  I HATE his punishments, they are not fun whatsoever. Right now, noticing the behavior is off would be a step up.

I know all about communication, and how it's key.  It's not about not being able to communicate.  Sometimes it just takes awhile to gather the thoughts