When I dove

Did I jump into the deep or shallow end of the pool?

It seemed so easy back then.  I was so trusting.  I believed that people were who they said they were.  I was taken for an emotional ride a couple of times.  Thankfully none that really 'damaged' me.

I've had a few actual bdsm relationships. 

I've realized recently, that I don't know jack shit about bdsm, or I didn't know jack shit about bdsm.  I had an inkling of what it was. 

                                    No let me rephrase that.  

I had an inkling of what I thought it was. 

They were in order of appearance:

1. A relationship with very close emotional bonds, but not a dominant, just a guy that liked sex a little rough and with light restraints.

2. First Dom guy- experienced, real time, had the answers, said the right things.  Introduced me to bdsm gently, lightly and it pretty much stayed there.

3. Second Dom guy- experienced- kinda, part time experience for a couple of years.  Had a couple of good 'scenes' then it was basically vanilla with an anal twist (is that like a chocolate/vanilla twist soft serve cone haha)

4. NSA guy who was really really kinky, not into bdsm, but we got along great and the sex was pretty dang good.

5. another NSA guy who was into bdsm, but was a top, not a dominant.

6. Diversion guy who knew nothing about d/s, was willing to learn, but really only wanted to be catered to.  

7. Potential guy, liked to be called Daddy, but really didn't know how to be a dom.  He was into bdsm, I could manipulate the crap out of him (and did).  A really great guy, but I kept my distance.

8. Email guy- great on paper, really pulled you into the fairy tale.  Met once and knew I'd walk all over him. That was the end of that.

9. "Separated guy"- our versions of being separated were two entirely different things.  I'm separated, I don't live with my spouse part time or share a bed when in the same city.  That ended real quick.

10. Then there's Jefe.  Never intended for this to happen.  

My first communication back to him was to say I was just looking for a friend.  I was still reflecting on separated guy.  Jefe wasn't fazed.  Friendship was fine with him.  We started a dialog, started sharing our thoughts about bdsm, what it looked like, what we each wanted out of it.  It was easy to divulge those thoughts when you don't feel like you're being interviewed. 

Personable

After a few weeks we arranged to meet.  I just happened to alter my travel route so I passed through his town.  I got there early and instead of bothering him, I just sat in a parking lot and read.  When he sent me a text to find out my eta and found out I was already in town, he changed his itinerary so I wouldn't have to wait.  

Conscientious and courteous.

I got lost on the way to the restaurant.

Patience

I finally walked in the door and my heart skipped a beat, I held my breath for a moment, I don't think I went as far as to stop dead in my tracks I mean I'm way too demure and collected for that to happen.  You can stop chuckling Jay.  Pretend your a stranger reading this (grins)

Handsome

We had a wonderful lunch of sushi.  I don't know that much about it, and told him so- so I deferred to his knowledge and he chose our lunch. We had a wonderful lunch.  I actually spoke (in person for me usually equates to answering and not venturing forth with conversation- especially if I feel intimidated in the least)

Knowledgeable

He asked me if I wanted to see the house that he's built from scratch- with his own two hands.  Being someone with a house fetish ( I LOVE looking at houses), I jumped at the chance to see this.  We left the restaurant and just outside in the parking lot- grabbed my hair and planted a kiss on my lips. A kiss that made me forget my name.

Determined, skilled, creative

I will never forget that day.  I relive it often in my head.  We went out for sushi a couple of weeks ago and when we walked out the door I asked if this was the part when he was supposed to grab my hair and kiss me.  He got a huge grin on his face as he unlocked the truck and got in.  His response was that he'd already done that, he couldn't get repetitive and boring now could he.

I doubt that man will ever be repetitive and boring.  He's too creative.  He's too deep a thinker. He's a doer.  If he says something will happen- I know at some point it will.

I have met my match, both figuratively and literally.  I don't manipulate, or top him in any way.  I have no desire to, and he'd see right through it.

What I thought I knew about bdsm compared to what I've learned being with Jefe for the last 15 months is nothing.  All I learned for those few years was the physical side of things.  I learned what a flogger felt like, or what it felt like to be restrained, 

Now I know what it feels like to be owned mentally and physically.  There's no part of me he's left untouched.  There's a semblance of a mark on every bit of me.

He commented a few weeks ago, when I was upside down in my thought processes- that I was putting too much pressure on myself.  Neither one of us thought it would ever go this deep, but now that we're here he's happy with where things are at, so I need to be happy as well.  His words  "quite pleased".

So when I thought I dove into the waters head first a few years ago....

I never realized that I had only waded into the shallow end of the pool.

Now I know what it's like to tread water in the deep end.

Broken

I've heard that term used in bdsm circles.  Usually in M/s dynamics where a Master feels it necessary to "break" his slave.  I'm not going to presume the multitude of reasons why.  I just know from things I've read that this is usually an intentional process or situation.

I've never thought of a slave being "broken" was necessarily a bad thing, although the methods to which a slave is broken might curl my toes.  To me being broken is like tearing down that last wall of self and finally admitting that there is no 'you' in the equation.  Like a tortured prisoner finally reaching that point where they give up the information to their captor.  I'm not talking a scene, but real life, pissing in your pants in fear kind of giving it up to save themselves.

I've had moments with Jefe where I break down, feel that liberation from life and can reach out and feel nothing but my submission to him.  I've had many of those moments, some were intentional on his part, some were not. I've had many intense moments, scenes, sessions whatever you want to call them that have brought me out of this world and into that dreamy realm of sub space.

This past weekend surpassed any and all preconceived notions on anything I ever thought regarding bdsm, a power exchange, M/s, and my relationship in general with him.

As luck would have it, my two afternoon meetings were canceled last Thursday, so instead of leaving at 6 or 7 pm.  I was packed and out the door by 2:15.  Made it up north with plenty of daylight and time left to the day. Master wasted no time in instructing me on his wishes.  By the time I'd been there 20 min, I was already mostly naked, a hooks in my arse and cunt tied to an overhead beam so as to apply the right kind of pressure you know, hands clasped behind my head and eyes closed- - as instructed.

I hadn't even had time to pee!

Which gave me pause for concern, but that is an entirely different matter, and thankfully one I don't have to write about in this blog LOL.

I finally felt the single tail.  OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! That thing hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.  I wasn't expecting that weapon either, so I'm not sure if that made it hurt more.  It was like punishment pain.  There's a definite distinction in the types of pain he inflicts. pleasure type pain, and holy fucking shit that hurts so I won't ever do it again pain. This was the latter.  Now when I'm punished, the rare times it does happen, I know in advance that it is a punishment, and what it's for.  In my head, I could only reconcile this type of hurt as punishment, but didn't know what for.  Each lash cut into me figuratively, as the pain intensified, so did my angst.  I could feel the bitch starting to rise.  He asked a question, but I couldn't even formulate a word or phrase to answer, when I finally did- my tone was not exactly pleasant.

As I appear to be a budding masochist/pain slut, he's experimenting with pain- exploring his sadistic side. I understood that, I got that, I was good with that am good with that.

Things progressed from there to the other room... the death stick (hitachi wand), paddles, clamps, hood, legs tied open, ankles secured, wrists secured.  Pretty typical actually.

There was nothing typical in my reaction.  I was on edge, pins and needles, couldn't see, smell, barely hear, all I had left was touch. Every touch tossed me to a higher plane, my emotions bounced faster than I did.  For the first time, ever, I didn't like him.  It wasn't one of those "is he done yet" moments.  It wasn't one of those "this hurts me mother fucker" moments.  It wasn't a "fucking punishment" moment.

It was one of those moments where I wanted to be away from him, cringed from his touch, struggled to make it stop.  Felt him continue as he wanted to, he took and took- just like he should.

I recognized in those moments of extreme angst that this is what I signed up for, this is what it boils down to, it's the feral side of the power exchange, the nastiness, the blatant hunger. It's life without a safe word, life with that much trust and love for someone to say take me I'm yours- and mean it.  It wasn't being nudged past a comfort zone, it was being knocked clear across the field.

Within seconds of the ropes being freed, I sought his touch.  Even through all of my emotional upheaval, despite how much I wanted to be free from him in those moments, I needed him.  I had been broken at the barest level, the darkest point, the deepest well.

Later on after some discussion, and I finally realized what my roller coaster of emotions was, he did what any good Master should do...

He fixed me.

He did not set out to break me on Thursday.  He did nonetheless.  I am bound by a whole new definition, something emotional.

The rest of the weekend was beyond description, and due to snow, I had an extra day/night on top of all that.

A new release

I'm doing something I never thought I would.

I've become addicted to a video game. *sigh*

Jefe was playing it on the x-box, and he just happened to have the same game for PC.

*sigh*

I made the mistake of loading it yesterday morning.

*sigh*

I'm not even going to share how many hours I've spent on the damned game since.

I can't run the game and the yahoo messenger at the same time.

Which means no yapping with my male mirror image (otherwise known as my writing partner, confidante, and best damned friend a person could have, well aside of his wife :D)

I hope he understands *grins*

Now back to my quest!!!

I can blame it all on Jefe.... he's a level 17, I just graduated to level 2!!  sheesh.

Putting the foot down

On the gas pedal *grins*.  Bet you weren't expecting that.  It's been an interesting week.  A week ago, he was here, lifting himself up and out of his void and being a welcomed part of my zoo.

We both needed that immensely.

Less than 48 hours after we parted, we were together again.  What a weekend it was.  Both of us on the same page, working side by side with menial chores, sharing our coveted power exchange, living and breathing as if we were one and the same.

Because we were.

There are things that come into play, without words that solidify intent. The dreams we have, and how we want the future to evolve.

Screw time.

It will be ticking whether we want it to or not.

Each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

I have some more thinking to do.

During the course of the weekend, he put forth some scenes that stopped me dead in my tracks. Then later I casually tossed out something to the effect of not admitting that it did titillate me.  So I had to write about why I didn't admit it in the first place- to the one person I'm supposed to divulge things to.

While I was writing, I had an epiphany regarding said behavior.  I now have to elaborate (at my request) on that specific topic.

Free-will.

Sounds easy to write about doesn't it?

Not so easy when one is trying so diligently to give up said will.  It doesn't mean doormat or bobble-head.  Of that I am certain, but it is nagging at me to figure out why I'm still clinging to it.  Especially in regards to admitting to him what does and does not send a shiver down my spine.

So, full steam ahead, pedal to the metal, I'm diving into my head again.

Stay tuned...