Today is one of those days where just about anything can set me off. Yes, I think PMS has much to do with it. I can cry at the drop of a pin, and go from zero to bitch in seconds. There's no rhyme or reason.
Diving into thoughts of my relationship is one of those things that while it will bring me to tears, it soothes at the same time. I am very overwhelmed today at the depths of my feelings. The cup bubbleth over so to speak. It's the teary thing.
I didn't think I was capable of such deep love.
I know one person who will tell you otherwise, but he doesn't count we share a brain (figuratively). He'll tell you he knew I was capable, it just had to be born in the hands of the right person.
Okay I'm guessing that's what he'd say.
The clock is ticking. There is much to be done.
I have a HUGE question to ask him...
I honestly don't know what he's going to say.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
a lot of 6's
it will be six weeks six days and six hours (give or take) until I will be able to taste my Master's lips again. It's been only a few days since he left on his last trip. So much to do before I and the kids arrive. A new kitchen, upper deck, master bedroom... as well as the power grid and water lines.
It's so very difficult to cope with. Communication is very limited- - email only, and that's even spotty. Going from having him accessible 24/7 to basically not at all- - to put it bluntly- - sucks. I told myself it would be easier this time around, but it's not.
It's harder.
I think when he was gone before- I was somewhat "clouded" last time, for lack of a better term. I told myself for weeks that it was nothing I couldn't handle. I was more positive about coping. This time around, I know what to expect, I know from day one how the longing doesn't ebb, the loneliness can't be quelled, distractions are temporary, and the lack of serving takes its toll.
I struggle not pull further and further away. Guarding myself against the loneliness and feeling alienated. In some ways even though the circumstance is unavoidable, I still feel angry with him, abandoned to a certain degree. Completely unfounded. Everything he's doing, he's doing for us. not him, not me, but us.
For our future together.
All of this is known to me, but I still have the feelings of loss. Natural, I know, not fair to him. Putting on a happy face for him so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that every day I freaking hate it. That it's a struggle just to get up and function, let alone go through each day without hearing his voice or feeling his touch.
Six weeks and six days... I can do this...
It's so very difficult to cope with. Communication is very limited- - email only, and that's even spotty. Going from having him accessible 24/7 to basically not at all- - to put it bluntly- - sucks. I told myself it would be easier this time around, but it's not.
It's harder.
I think when he was gone before- I was somewhat "clouded" last time, for lack of a better term. I told myself for weeks that it was nothing I couldn't handle. I was more positive about coping. This time around, I know what to expect, I know from day one how the longing doesn't ebb, the loneliness can't be quelled, distractions are temporary, and the lack of serving takes its toll.
I struggle not pull further and further away. Guarding myself against the loneliness and feeling alienated. In some ways even though the circumstance is unavoidable, I still feel angry with him, abandoned to a certain degree. Completely unfounded. Everything he's doing, he's doing for us. not him, not me, but us.
For our future together.
All of this is known to me, but I still have the feelings of loss. Natural, I know, not fair to him. Putting on a happy face for him so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that every day I freaking hate it. That it's a struggle just to get up and function, let alone go through each day without hearing his voice or feeling his touch.
Six weeks and six days... I can do this...
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