Saturday, June 9, 2012


in a d/s dynamic, it usually appears such that it's the s type who makes all, or most of the sacrifices.  In an outward appearance. This may be so, but the lifestyle I CHOOSE to lead, what is given up is hardly a sacrifice.

Autonomy is the hardest I think, though.  I'm used to making all the decisions, and now not so much.  Many of the decisions rest totally with him, where I'm concerned anyway.  Not so much with the kids, as we're not a single household yet, kids and and decision making is totally my domain.  Granted I get opinions, but the decisions ultimately are mine.

So we're at a crux right now. A HUGE one.  We've had enough of this blasted distance.  We're both tired of sleeping alone, saying goodbye, and relying on technology for day to day communication.  As far as distance relationships, we're lucky- it's just a car ride to see each other.  Still, that ride isn't right around the corner, so it limits us to weekends, which I know some of you out there would kill to have that close proximity.  Nothing is ever quite the way we want it to be.

So the Master is the one with the property and land.  I'm the one with the brood and the excellent paying job (which I cannot keep or find in his neck of the woods).  Who's going to move?  We go back and forth with the decision.  Each of us has a valid reason to stay where we are and have the other make the move.

I told him this morning that I feel selfish for even asking him to consider making the move.  He wouldn't have to sell anything, but he wouldn't have the satisfaction of finally living in the abode he's built with his own two hands, and he's getting very close to living that dream.

In a previous relationship, him moving was the only option- - he had nothing anyway, so was moving toward something he coveted- a home in which he could be king (insert gagging reference here).  We all know that didn't work out, but there was something different about that dynamic.  Maybe it's because I never really felt any dominance from him.  Maybe it's because I was a bitch and pushed back on mostly everything that didn't "work for me".

I just feel very strange asking the Master to make the move, so I can stay in my comfort zone, and the kids can too. He's not asking me to make the move either.  We just keep going in this circle, because any way you look at it something major is going to happen.  Those decisions can't be made on a whim.  If it was just me... I'd be gone already, but it's not.  THAT and fitting all of us at his place is NOT going to be easy.  We'd have to endure 4 years until the first one moves out.

Not to mention the tears and protests that are going to follow if the final decision is I go.  They will go where I do however, that is not an option.

I really don't want to move right now.  I'd be uprooting everyone, cleaning house and leaving the home, and job that provide my family's well being, and what if it doesn't work out... then I have nothing. I want a guarantee that we can sustain being a family for at least the next 8 years.  I have to get the kids to 18.  They can be on their own, and I'll figure out what to do with me.  I'm resilient, I'll survive anything, but I need them to feel stability.

It would be so much easier for him to make the move here, but ask someone to give up a dream?  How can I do that?  How long until the resentment kicks in?

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