Deep Sighs

I've been doing a lot of that lately. It seems like the universe is testing my patience in more ways than one.

Nothing earth shattering, but trying nonetheless.

I got to post a personal blog at the other place over the weekend. When I mean personal, I mean descriptive. I generally don't do that. I tend to skate over things, give generalities, but I only get descriptive and explicit when I'm writing stories. Then all bets are off, one of my characters can give a three page blow job, but have me write about a personal experience and I could take a three hour scene and reduce it to a single paragraph, probably two.

I get to visit this weekend, just me, just him. For the last month we've had kids surrounding us, which hasn't left us celibate, but yanno.... none of the real good stuffs.

I'm having minor surgery tomorrow morning. It is minor, I'll be under general anesthesia though, so there's a part of me that is still nervous, and anxious for the outcome as well.

I wish he could come down tonight, I really would like to be wrapped in his strength today and tonight.

So I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and trying to be nonchalant, but I'd prefer just shutting my door until tomorrow is done.

Emotionally needy

I'm torturing myself today. I had him to spoil for nearly five days before he had to go back home. I've been very emotional since he said he was leaving. It's not like I thought he would stay forever, but a few more days would have been nice.

But he had to go back, just like I have to come back every time I'm up there.

We had a few long talks over the weekend, about something and nothing. He would like to find a job that has him traveling- - like he used to. From what I gather he'd be gone for months at a time. At one time I would have thought that was the ideal relationship, now I'm not so sure.

I long for him, I crave him. I haven't felt that toward another human being in over 20 years. And back then I had no idea what d/s was, that guy was the 'one that got away'. I've pined over him ever since. Not in a "I want him back" kind of way, but a what if kind of way.

Anyway, I digress.

Of course, should he land a job like that, and we make the decision to stay together, I will cope.

It does give a person much to think about though.

I thought we crossed this bridge

Back to the silence.

I know he's dealing with a lot of shit, but hey who isn't on some level.

I thought we cleared that debris a couple months ago.

I guess not.

*sigh*

Sanity

It's been a long while, life has been more than busy, both work, family and Him. His injury finally required surgery, and thankfully I had some time off and was able to be with him non stop during the first part of his recovery.

Ten days is a long time to spend with someone non stop, well except for 2 hours in which I had to run errands for both he and I. In the past, I was in an LDR and after 2 days I was looking for an escape hatch. When he lived closer, a weekend every other weekend was quite long enough.

Shit, I would go on dates in the last couple of years and have a self imposed curfew. Always a way out.

Not so any more. Leaving after those 10 days was excruciating. This past weekend was my first back there in two weeks, and again, leaving is heart wrenching.

I've taken to asking if I can bring my collar back home with me. It's made the separation tolerable, or as tolerable as it can be.

I'm hesitant to bring up an every day collar, because he's still very limited in what he can/can't do around the house, and his creativity has been put on hold- so making something or buying something seems a bit of an imposition to ask of him.

I wrote in another blog elsewhere that the fact he is mine and I am his brings forth this overwhelming sense of emotion, gratitude, pride, awe, amazement, love, desire, and determination.

I never really cared whether I lived up to someone's expectations, I am me this is it, take it or leave it. I find that as I'm helping him around the house, doing something in the yard, I want and strive for perfection. I want to be nothing but in his eyes.

I hate it when I fall short of my own expectations. There's no such thing as perfection. He's not perfect either. Do we seem to fit perfectly together? Yes, I'd say we do.

I'm not so blinded by my admiration of the man that I can't see him in all of his faults, strengths, and needs improvement (haha). As humans we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever growing. He, even though he is my dominant, my master, my owner- is no different.

It is the whole picture of the man- that is mine.