A month... well almost

Well the day we were gearing up for arrived.  I think I'm still a little numb from the realization.  Unfortunately the timing was not as stellar as we'd hoped it would be. In some ways, though that's a good thing.  No false sense of smooth sailing before the shit hits the fan.  Like it always does with teens and preteens.

And the kids are living up to expectations... the pain in the ass expectation that is.  There was quite a change to the household before Jefe got here and the dust was settling from that episode and poof my support was suddenly here as well.

I wasn't floundering by myself.

Yesterday I read this thing on the web about this father who sent his kids a letter of disappointment.  I feel for him, I really do.  I've bent over backward to maintain a stable home, a solid environment, make sure they have what they need, plus a bit more- quite a bit more actually.  All on my own.  I've had no help from any area, and I think I've done quite well.

I also realized not too long ago, how tired I am.  It's been eight years of pulling the entire weight of the household on my own.  Shouldering everything, making excuses, turning a blind eye, placating, being placated.  All that has changed.  I'm seeing my children as over indulged spoiled things.  They are not brats in some sense of the word, but their behavior is definitely something that needs to be changed.

So I've taken a new attitude, and it just happens to coincide with Jefe being here, so he is right there to bolster my resolve.  Privileges are being stripped, electronics are going bye bye, social lives will be a thing of the past.  "I" will be listened to and listened to properly.  No more wearing mom down... I'm not doing this on my own anymore.  I am stronger than I ever have been, and I've been strong.

It has been an eye opening experience to see my underlings for what they are and have been doing.  Time to go back to the olden days where you want something not only will you have to earn the privilege, but maintain the right to the privilege.

I will not have happy children in this house tonight.  I am not happy about this.  I am not smug.  I am heartbroken actually.  There's a part of me that loved spoiling them.  Making sure they were in the right fashion, had the good phones, the right video games.  It's just "me" doing all of this, and I viewed it as my own version of keeping up with the Jones'.  I was not going to be the "single mom".

I thought the children were thankful for what they had.  No, I've just come to learn that they feel entitled.  Just like every other kid out there in today's society.

understanding

Jefe had a talk with one of his best friends.  This friend couldn't understand our power exchange dynamic.  He just sees it as I'm a doormat who's told what to do and I do it.  Back to the 1950's household (which I really don't have anything bad to say about that dynamic). There's a deeper understanding though, one that can't be explained to someone who doesn't want to see past their own perception.

Giving him the reins doesn't mean I don't have a voice or an opinion.  It doesn't mean that I don't offer my advice and counsel to him.  It means that he takes all that information under advisement and makes his decision. I'm totally good with that.

I think a male who is not dominant by nature cannot understand that.  I think this friend is more in that category.  He's a very nice man, I don't see him as a dominant male though.  Highly intelligent, yes, friendly, confident- dominant- no.

I can see his wife as being more of the dominant role, mainly because she's taking care of house and family making those decisions on a day to day basis- and that's something he's fine with.  I wonder though how he would feel if he laid down the law about any particular decision- if then would he understand how this dynamic works.

It was difficult for Master to realize that there was nothing he could say to this man that could make him understand how it works.  I've had that conversation with a good friend before, and I've heard rumblings now that she wishes her new husband was more dominant.  She's starting to "get" it.

Sometimes people don't know what they don't know.  Education and awareness and a willingness to look within and comprehend is all it takes. Sometimes too, it's a tough pill to swallow when you're a man and realize you aren't the dominant one, and your best friend is- in all aspects.

Staying afloat

it was a partially rough weekend.  Plans don't always work the way you want them to at the time.

But somehow a greater good comes of it.

Such was the case this past weekend.

Real thing

I find myself opening up more to Jefe. Not only mentally- revealing more and more of what's inside and makes me tick on any given subject. It's revealing the more intricate details, the household dynamics, the ups and downs. Finances, financial decisions.  It's becoming more natural for me to ask before I spend money on not usual purchases. Getting ready to combine households is feeling more and more comfortable.

I can't wait, I talk about being impatient, and I am to a certain extent, because I can't wait to fall asleep next to him every night and not count the hours until one of us is leaving.  But I'm very calm about it as well.  We are not going into this with blinders on, we know it's going to be tough.  A huge adjustment for not just him and I, but the brood as well.  They've pretty much known only me in their lives.  Now there will be a second authority figure.

I was chatting with my mom the other night, and we both spoke of how it took all those years of both floundering with other relationships and being out on my own; to be ready for the real thing.  And that's what this is, the real thing.

I've been through enough relationships, both "vanilla" and bdsm related to not only realize but "know" what I have is beyond expectation.  I also know that this is not a one sided assumption.  He's expressed it as well. There have been three times in my life where I "knew" upon first sight that the person in question would have a profound impact on my life.  The first one was the one that got away... I've never forgotten him or wondered what goodness we would have been together.  The second was the second failed marriage attempt.  He wasn't a positive impact by any stretch, he was a bastard, but I have three wonderful children and a wealth of inner strength and knowledge because of him. The third and last was Jefe.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on him. The profound energy, the instant recognition of "my life will never be the same" the second our eyes met.  I took in the entire picture and just "knew".  Now I'm not calling it love at first sight.  Lust? Fuck yeah! I still lust after the man, that lust continues to grow and deepen.

We had a discussion very very early on.  One day he took me out in the truck and we parked and talked about the physical distance.  I told him that day that I believed we had something too special to not see it through.  Even though we may find it a bigger heartbreak in the future should things fall apart because of the distance.

He agreed and we agreed to continue on.  That was over a year and a half ago.

Neither one of us expected to find what we have found. Neither one of us expected to find the type of power exchange relationship that felt true to ourselves and who we truly wanted to be.  It was a pipe dream.

Through all of the ups and downs, coping with two households that are not too far, but definitely not close enough- we're taking that next step.  Recognizing that what is between us, the mundane and the kink are so well matched, it's worth the sacrifice for one of us to move.

So I'm strangely calm about the whole moving in together....

At least today I am.

Coming to grips

I had a long talk with Jefe today. Earlier this morning he asked if I was coming up, but I told him no, I was being fiscally conservative.  Gas for two weekends in a row would be a tremendous amount of money for my gas hog.  a HUGE amount.

So we had a delicious phone sex session, but both agreed that it fucking sucks, and we're tired of it.

So an hour later, I took my fiscal conservativeness and tossed it out the window. Called him and said I was coming up, had a few things to do, but hoped to be on the road within the hour.

Got my few things done, tossed some stuff in a bag and was ten minutes late out the door.  Just as I started the truck the phone rang.  It was Master, of course, he was reconsidering the impromptu visit. Agreed with my initial fiscal frugality (something rare for me).

So this blog isn't me whining that I'm not seeing him this weekend, although I could turn it into that easily. I told him I was past my threshold to touch him.

No this blog is about him opening up the door even more.

I got a glimpse inside during our hour long discussion about the back and forth of making the trek.

I listened to his words carefully.

I heard the reconciliation in his voice. He's going places emotionally he swore he would never do again.

He verbalized the trust he has in me, in us. Which I already know, but sometimes hearing it...

Especially during a discussion.

Not pillow talk.

During a frank, deep discussion.

Admitting the things he's trying to figure out, work out internally, rationalize.

He never thought he'd be here again.

Here he is.

Here I am.

Coming to grips with it all.

It's the best place to be.  Being somewhere you never thought you'd be, and knowing it's better than you ever thought it would.

Everything

I had a five day weekend with Jefe this past weekend.  Lord knows it wasn't enough. No phones, no kids, no bills, no chores, no horns, no music... we were backpacking in the wilderness- - he brought me deep into his world. The world he's lived in for 20 years.  His life, his passion.  It was most gratifying.  Better yet, I thoroughly enjoyed it!  I'm a pampered city girl to the naked eye, but not afraid of hard physical labor.  So getting sweaty dirty doesn't phase me in the least.

But getting sweaty dirty isn't what this blog is about.  It's about, well who knows, I'm not even sure.  I don't even have a title for it yet.

It's about being close.  The normal every day relationship closeness that draws two people together. It's not about a power exchange dynamic, dominance and submission, or Master and slave.  It's about two human beings realizing that the search is over.

It's about recognizing compromises, and realizing that altering plans isn't a detriment, it's an enhancement of goals.

Coming to the realization that you can't live without the other person for the rest of your life.  It's that split second moment where the odds don't matter, you'll do what it takes, move heaven and earth just to be with that person.

It's about opening up, laying out the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the vision, it's exposing the deeper layers, having those tough discussions, coming to conclusions, creating a plan, and moving forward. There's always talk about trust in an M/s relationship, the innate trust that a slave or submissive has in their Master/Dominant, but the trust has to go both ways.

Building a life together is testament of that trust, it's not trust in the moment- it's trust for the long term.  It's knowing that person is going to be by your side, or attempt to (gotta insert reality here) for decades to come. It's WANTING that person to be by your side for the decades to come.

We had no other entertainment besides our own company for all that time.  It was never dull, it was never lacking, sometimes it was quiet- a comfortable quiet, a peaceful groove into each other with each other.

It's knowing that person isn't everything, but everything that counts.

It's knowing the the person that means the world to you, thinks the world OF you.

I found that, cherish it, relish in it. No, let me rephrase WE found that.  We've acknowledged it, embrace it, and within a few scant weeks will be living it together.  No longer his and hers, but ours.

The long drive will be for when we want to get away and be alone, not made by one, but by both- together.

I'm ready.

It will be harder than hard.

It will be worth every moment.

One day we will sit on our porch in our rocking chairs, looking over the beautiful landscape and know it was worth every moment.

Feedback

I thrive on feedback.  I don't care to hear the "constructive" feedback most times (I don't think many of us do), but I try to keep an open mind and really listen to what's being said.  However, I also must have some semblance of respect for the individual providing said feedback.  

Now when Jefe takes me into feedback mode, there are times, like a couple of weeks ago when I do get all defensive and don't "hear" what he has to say.  A few days after that communication mishap we had another talk regarding the same subject, and this time what he was saying made complete sense, and as such the assignment then made sense.

Those few days before that conversation were not fun though.  I floundered for a bit, feeling misunderstood and emotional, and not wanting to interfere in what he had going on by asking to talk.  So I did what I do well, and wrote out what was going on in my head.  The end result lifted a weight from my shoulders, and unfortunately added weight to his.  Which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless.

He felt the burden of the angst he felt he caused, which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless. He doesn't take those things lightly, but we didn't let it draw out.  Within a single conversation- we were back on the same wavelength. 

I'm learning that I can't keep those angst moments buried, they fester over time- even if I can dismiss them for awhile, something else will trigger the emotion then there's more piled on.  So while the first assignment wasn't what he was looking for, it did open a few different doors for the both of us- let him in.

We're moving forward with the cohabitation plans. It's scary as hell.  Maybe it's age and the hopeful wisdom that comes with it, but living together isn't as foot loose and fancy free as I thought it to be back in my 20's.  It's been almost a decade since I've lived with someone, well except for that 5 month stint with the ex D, but that wasn't ever looked at as a life long journey- I told him more than once that when he was back on his feet he would get his own place. We just never made it anywhere near that finish line.

So this time it's different, I WANT this to work more than I ever thought possible. We talk in life terms. He is looking at this through the same glass I am.

This is it.

This is what the universe gave to each of us. We don't treat that lightly.

It's going to be hard.

It'd going to be damned hard.

But we both want it.

I'll need to come back to this blog from time to time, I'm sure.

Have patience with me, buckle up and hold on tight.

I am.

Introspection time

Yes, it's been awhile, and probably for good reason... too much external shit going on to keep me from looking within.

Had a health crisis back in July with one of the kids, she's fine, but it gave me about a 30 second vacation with Master.  That did nothing for our togetherness, however it did solidify that this distance thing is no longer tolerable and we've, or rather he's reached a decision about who's moving where. So we're now immersed in moving plans.  A huge adjustment to be made by all parties.

Then real life commenced and it's been a whirlwind since.  I also officially got divorced after 8 years of  total separation (I haven't seen him in those 8 years, literally), and got somewhat screwed over in the hearing (child support) and have felt rather raw for the last 24 because of it.

Tonight we were having a light hearted discussion, and he picked up on let's call it an idiosyncrasy that I have about deep seeded desires and what I call sticking my foot in my mouth.  I don't do it intentionally, but he's picked up on it.

So I now have an assignment to dig into that.  I got very emotional when he brought it up. I think it was a cumulation of missing him, feeling screwed over, somewhat judged by the judged.  I just felt completely misunderstood.

I try very hard not to let the ghosts of the past resurface, but tonight they came back in full force.  I felt completely inadequate and flawed.  Of course I also reason this to my infernal need to be as close to perfect that I can be for Master.  He, of course, stressed that he was not displeased, angered, or upset, but I told him that being on the "one who pleases" side of the fence, it's hard NOT to take such things to heart.

I KNOW I'm not perfect, far from it.  I am human, but the slave part of me wants to be perfect and it's a hard time reconciling the difference. He said I shut down after he made the observation.  I did, not because I was being a bitch, but because a plethora of thoughts were swirling through my head.  I wasn't being passive/aggressive, wasn't trying to disguise anything intentionally.  I felt like the fly caught in the spider web and completely by accident.  I felt like I did something wrong, was doing something wrong and it didn't sit well.

So I have to think about this particular idiciosyncrasy and write about it.

More introspection, more vulnerability... it's a hard week to deliver vulnerable.  I understand it, but delivering an honest non defensive answer is going to be hard.  We're going to talk more on it tomorrow.  I don't think he expected me to be as emotional as I was, nor did I.  I call it a chick moment.

I wanted to fire back at him, but you don't have to open up to the same degree as I do, you don't see how a critique comes off as a criticism, a flaw, but I didn't, because it would serve no purpose.  This is the station I freely chose to give.  I didn't give it pending my agreement to certain aspects.  It took me a long time to find someone worthy ( and I don't say that conceitedly) of my servitude.

As he noted tonight, perfect would be boring.

It would be nice though, to think I'm more than halfway there *smiles weakly*

the best laid plans

I was to have two weeks all to myself with Master, but a medical emergency with one of the kids squashed those plans.  Instead I spent nearly a week in a hospital half way across the country with my little one.

Thankfully she's home and on the mend.

It depressed me knowing that I would return home and not be physically comforted by him.

I'm so fucking tired of the distance.

So fucking tired of it.

What love means

Defining moments.

I bought a card for Jefe yesterday.  We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.

I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.

It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do.  I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.

I've shown him, and he likewise what love means.  It doesn't mean empty words.  It doesn't mean empty promises.

It means doing and being your best for another person.  It means putting aside and learning anew.  It means taking steps you never thought possible. It means giving of self.

Giving of self.

What a difference life makes when both sides are playing the same game.

I knew it could be like this.

Sobering statistics

I had "divorce class" last week.  The mandatory parenting class for anyone divorcing with minor children.  After 8 years of separation and NO contact, most of the information wasn't pertinent.  However, I did get some good reminders and was glad I approached the evening with an open mind.

At one point, the instructor tossed out some statistics about remarriages.

75% second marriages fail

85% of third marriages fail.

NOT that I'm planning or remotely hoping for a third try at this, but the M/s dynamic is or can be a similar pact.

That figure terrifies me.  It doesn't take a marriage certificate to make a relationship work, but it sometimes makes it worth hanging on to to make it work.  Make sense?

As Jefe and make plans to merge our households (not sure how that looks yet), I fear that I will be part of that 85%.  Baggage aside, I have kids, he doesn't.  I have teens, he doesn't.  That kind of stress is going to be huge on us.  I have no doubt that if it was just the two of us, we'd make it through anything.  We are just that good together.

But now I'm scared to death to become a statistic, and I can't wait another 8 years to live under the same roof. Yeah, yeah, there's the 15% that do work, I don't live in that world, never have, probably never will.

Sometimes you just have to wonder... is love enough?

Sacrifice

in a d/s dynamic, it usually appears such that it's the s type who makes all, or most of the sacrifices.  In an outward appearance. This may be so, but the lifestyle I CHOOSE to lead, what is given up is hardly a sacrifice.

Autonomy is the hardest I think, though.  I'm used to making all the decisions, and now not so much.  Many of the decisions rest totally with him, where I'm concerned anyway.  Not so much with the kids, as we're not a single household yet, kids and and decision making is totally my domain.  Granted I get opinions, but the decisions ultimately are mine.

So we're at a crux right now. A HUGE one.  We've had enough of this blasted distance.  We're both tired of sleeping alone, saying goodbye, and relying on technology for day to day communication.  As far as distance relationships, we're lucky- it's just a car ride to see each other.  Still, that ride isn't right around the corner, so it limits us to weekends, which I know some of you out there would kill to have that close proximity.  Nothing is ever quite the way we want it to be.

So the Master is the one with the property and land.  I'm the one with the brood and the excellent paying job (which I cannot keep or find in his neck of the woods).  Who's going to move?  We go back and forth with the decision.  Each of us has a valid reason to stay where we are and have the other make the move.

I told him this morning that I feel selfish for even asking him to consider making the move.  He wouldn't have to sell anything, but he wouldn't have the satisfaction of finally living in the abode he's built with his own two hands, and he's getting very close to living that dream.

In a previous relationship, him moving was the only option- - he had nothing anyway, so was moving toward something he coveted- a home in which he could be king (insert gagging reference here).  We all know that didn't work out, but there was something different about that dynamic.  Maybe it's because I never really felt any dominance from him.  Maybe it's because I was a bitch and pushed back on mostly everything that didn't "work for me".

I just feel very strange asking the Master to make the move, so I can stay in my comfort zone, and the kids can too. He's not asking me to make the move either.  We just keep going in this circle, because any way you look at it something major is going to happen.  Those decisions can't be made on a whim.  If it was just me... I'd be gone already, but it's not.  THAT and fitting all of us at his place is NOT going to be easy.  We'd have to endure 4 years until the first one moves out.

Not to mention the tears and protests that are going to follow if the final decision is I go.  They will go where I do however, that is not an option.

I really don't want to move right now.  I'd be uprooting everyone, cleaning house and leaving the home, and job that provide my family's well being, and what if it doesn't work out... then I have nothing. I want a guarantee that we can sustain being a family for at least the next 8 years.  I have to get the kids to 18.  They can be on their own, and I'll figure out what to do with me.  I'm resilient, I'll survive anything, but I need them to feel stability.

It would be so much easier for him to make the move here, but ask someone to give up a dream?  How can I do that?  How long until the resentment kicks in?

It's the little things

I think we take for granted, the little things.  We expect words instead of paying attention to acts.  We look for the opulence instead of the intent.

Actions do speak louder than words. A single picked wildflower can mean more than a dozen of the most beautiful ruby red roses at the flower shop.

I was reminded of this the other day.

I needed the reminder.

self imposed doldrums

I was giving counsel to another virtual friend, who's another "s" type like me.  Seems she and her significant other have reached a point in their relationship where needs are not being met.

They live about an hour apart.

He still wants her in his life, but wants someone who can do more with him, be a companion.  He wanted her blessing to pursue a poly situation.  Which she indicated was something he has always expressed an interest in.

What I find interesting is that there is no mention of her finding someone to spend time with. That's a whole other topic though.

It really just got me thinking about the reality/futility of our situation.  Unless one of us moves, it will be this way for years and years.  How can we sustain this for what could be the next decade? I hope and pray that it's not, but it very well could be.

So I put myself in a funk for the last couple of days.  Putting myself in this kindred sister's shoes and knowing it will be me at some point.  We've already decided poly isn't for me, when posed with the question of him wondering who was in my bed, it would be safe to say- he wasn't comfortable with it either.

How many times will we cast it aside?

There is the starry-eyed romantic that knows we're perfect for each other, and finding the same thing, or even something, some semblance of something close will be futile.  I know no two relationships are alike, and maybe if it did happen in the future I might find something even better.  It's just very hard to fathom. We are so in sync with each other and the dynamic is like a second skin.

I know, I know.

He's tired of sleeping alone, and so am I.  Just because I have a houseful of offspring, doesn't mean I'm not lonely without him. I want him to be a part of my every day world as much as he wants me to be a part of his.

So what really frosted my ass yesterday though was a blog written by the one that was cast aside.  Yes, I still read her blogs.  I was actually starting to feel happy for her.  She appeared to have moved on.  Her blog from a couple days ago, however, said differently.  She absolutely railed on long distance relationships.  Spouted about how they weren't real, couldn't last, can't be real if you're not living the day to day.

This coming from a woman, who dumped her four kids with the ex-husband, something she swore she'd never do, moved across country on her own free will,  The university, almost in her home town, has an incredible Master's program for her field.  So it's not about the educational opportunity.  She wanted my man.  She wanted to get him, after 20 years, she was going to have him.  She did whatever it took, whatever the cost to her children to get him.  Except she didn't take into account one very important thing.  She is nothing to him.  She was a family friend at one time and when she found him through someone else after 20 years, old times were new times. When proven she is nothing to him she took the manipulative route with me, when that didn't work- she hopped into a "slave" relationship with someone she didn't know.  Keep in mind, this is only temporary- she's moving back when school is done.  So she wants to be owned, but only for a little while.  While it's convenient for her.  She's renting a room somewhere... or living with him now, don't know, and preaching about what a real life relationship is.

Anyone else see something wrong with that picture?

But it's like I told Himself today, reading her words infuriated me so much it brought me out of my doldrums. While not too happy that I'm still reading her blogs, he hasn't banned me from them.  I wonder if I could keep that edict, if he did.  I have to stop caring enough to care.  It's too bad, because I was reaching a point where I was starting to feel some sort of happiness that the path she chose was working out for her.

Anyway.... reality is a large, bitter, and hard pill to swallow.  But, I will have to take the prescription at some point, the question will be will I swallow the pill all at once, or crush it into tiny pieces and watch it slowly get consumed into nothingness?

Phases

I went through a rough patch for awhile.  Questioned damn near every ability I have in this bdsm world.  Another blogger at another site mentioned recently that d/s doesn't define who she is.  

It doesn't necessarily define me, but it is a huge part of my life now.  Something I know I won't ever live without again.  Submission, by itself makes me feel complete, and without a partner who recognizes that submission for what it truly is, recognizes the dynamic of dominance and submission, I'll just fall prey to more controlling arsewipes.  Been there, done that, have the tee.

Thankfully Master pressed through all those insecurities I had, had me sit down and take a good hard look at the reasons why I was feeling pressed up against the wall.  Through that exercise I realized that I was still haunted by the ghost of Dom past. 

Now, I should also point out that even though my head was not in the best space, I was told that said behavior would not be tolerated in the future.  To which I completely concur.  When I realized my behavior, I was crushed by my own actions.  Completely remorseful, and on some level, afraid of the punishment I could have had.  I wasn't let off easy, I'd punished myself.  It has since passed, but the emotions I felt are with me still.  A good lesson for me in humility and grace.

Two weeks ago marked one year he placed his collar around my neck for the first time. So much has happened in this past year.  Good, bad and ugly.  We are stronger for it. It's damn hard to maintain this two home deal, but we're doing it.  Some day we'll look back at all this angst and laugh. My home is by his side, whether it's at place A or place B.  

I still live by my mantra- each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

One day closer.

I was angry today.  Jealous actually.  I was jealous of his past.  I wanted affirmation that what we have is nothing like anything else he's ever seen. I wanted validation that no other submissive satisfied him the way I do, pleased him the way I do, served him the way I do.  I wanted to know whether he felt the same rush scening with someone else as he does with me.

Then it hit me.  They are ex's for a reason.  He wasn't able to flourish, grow, develop, and explore until now.  Every day is a new exploration of ideas, wants, needs.  We create them in each other, fulfill them through each other, and as a result we both grow from it.  I can't say that I'm always jumping up for joy with some of his plans and ideas, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Like he told me yesterday, he likes seeing me squirm in both a good way and not good way.

It's like we're on this never ending spiral staircase.  Some days he holds my hand and we climb into the clouds (the sensualist), and on other days he escorts me into the bowels of hell (the sadist).  How far we go in either direction is up to him, but I gratefully hold his hand and follow his lead.  He seems to know better than I do, which direction I need to be taken to.  Even if I express a desire for up or down. 

He reads me well.  That's not something that happens overnight. It's time, patience, understanding, love, caring, devotion, consideration, empathy, desire.   I could probably go on and on, but it's time for me to get some shuteye.  Early day tomorrow and a trip home in the afternoon.