What a difference

A day makes.

Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.

The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.

Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!

Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.

I used to be. Not any more.

I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.

Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.

I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.

So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.

I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.

I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.

The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.

He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.

Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.

I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.

I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.

He
Owns
Me

what beautiful words.

Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.

I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.

To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.

His response

As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.

My god what beautiful words.

A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.

I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.

It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.

(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)

His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.

Moping in my mind

Yesterday sucked. Those who don't live with the dominant person in their life know exactly what I'm talking about. The day-after separation just sucks. It manifests in depression, anxiety, sadness, sometimes manic responses to what seems like everything. Not having a good distraction doesn't help any either.

Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.


During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.


Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.

My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.

Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.

Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?

I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.


I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.

I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.

Screwed Up

Not my head, just me. I've delved into the world of erotic humiliation, another step in the exploration of me, and what makes me tick. The Man and I have talked about this need for quite some time, and basically, everything he tries- I just don't find humiliating.

So we were at a cross roads. How could I explain this need to him, if I couldn't explain it to myself. He mused the other day, that I'm a slut and enjoy everything he does. That's very true. The amount of trust we've built in the last 1.5 years is incredible to say the least. I'm also very comfortable around him, so when I'm made to do something, I'm not humiliated. What could be more humiliating than squatting on the floor and peeing on a pee pad in a hotel room? Yeah, I just put myself in the mindset that it had to be done, and in reality, I didn't mind doing it- so as a result, not humiliating.

I did some web searching on the subject and found a few articles that helped to enlighten me. Now, neither one of us are 'into' public humiliation, and after reading an article about the effects of such treatment on an unwitting public, cemented the fact that we cannot arbitrarily do things in public. Now if he were to do things in the company of fellow lifestylers, that would be humiliating. But we aren't going there yet.

Now, for a moment, I must digress. I have a Loving Dominant. We are 24/7 at present, and have been for a couple of months now. We pretty much limit our D/s to control of my body, in and out of the bedroom. The family as a unit now, is not ready for me to give up the reins, and quite frankly, neither am I. There are certain household decisions that are mine, and will probably always remain mine. For now, we're finding a nice mix.

Back to my screw up. After reading about humiliation, and distinctions regarding degradation, I realized that many things we do are humbling and I experience a certain sense of humility in my service to him. Things like crawling, splaying myself open, kneeling etc. These are every day activities and deepen my submission to him, because they are things I do and have done only for him.

So I decided to open up the floodgates and really dive into the depths of my mind and come up with a list of things that would embarrass me, some of them were brash, some of them were subtle. The same night I wrote the journal to him, he tried a few of the items on the list, and I have to say it was one night neither one of us will forget.

One of the things on the list was asking permission to toilet. Now we hadn't actually discussed the list yesterday (wrote it the night before last), but I took it upon myself to initiate some other things on there, like this one. I came home from work early, He had to go out. While he was out I texted the question, and he answered back right away. I was telling him, without telling him, that I was serious about this level of submission to him.

Today I totally screwed up. I went to the bathroom numerous times today, twice right in front of him without even thinking about asking. Slip of the mind? I'm not sure. He mentioned it just a few minutes ago, and is now plotting my punishment. I've never been punished by him before. There's never been a need. This will be a first, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Why oh why did I have to write that list? Why oh why did I have to suggest punishment for non compliance?

Yes, it seems to me that I love plotting my own demise....

I'll keep you posted.