it will be six weeks six days and six hours (give or take) until I will be able to taste my Master's lips again. It's been only a few days since he left on his last trip. So much to do before I and the kids arrive. A new kitchen, upper deck, master bedroom... as well as the power grid and water lines.
It's so very difficult to cope with. Communication is very limited- - email only, and that's even spotty. Going from having him accessible 24/7 to basically not at all- - to put it bluntly- - sucks. I told myself it would be easier this time around, but it's not.
It's harder.
I think when he was gone before- I was somewhat "clouded" last time, for lack of a better term. I told myself for weeks that it was nothing I couldn't handle. I was more positive about coping. This time around, I know what to expect, I know from day one how the longing doesn't ebb, the loneliness can't be quelled, distractions are temporary, and the lack of serving takes its toll.
I struggle not pull further and further away. Guarding myself against the loneliness and feeling alienated. In some ways even though the circumstance is unavoidable, I still feel angry with him, abandoned to a certain degree. Completely unfounded. Everything he's doing, he's doing for us. not him, not me, but us.
For our future together.
All of this is known to me, but I still have the feelings of loss. Natural, I know, not fair to him. Putting on a happy face for him so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that every day I freaking hate it. That it's a struggle just to get up and function, let alone go through each day without hearing his voice or feeling his touch.
Six weeks and six days... I can do this...
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
What love means
Defining moments.
I bought a card for Jefe yesterday. We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.
I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.
It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do. I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.
I've shown him, and he likewise what love means. It doesn't mean empty words. It doesn't mean empty promises.
It means doing and being your best for another person. It means putting aside and learning anew. It means taking steps you never thought possible. It means giving of self.
Giving of self.
What a difference life makes when both sides are playing the same game.
I knew it could be like this.
I bought a card for Jefe yesterday. We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.
I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.
It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do. I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.
I've shown him, and he likewise what love means. It doesn't mean empty words. It doesn't mean empty promises.
It means doing and being your best for another person. It means putting aside and learning anew. It means taking steps you never thought possible. It means giving of self.
Giving of self.
What a difference life makes when both sides are playing the same game.
I knew it could be like this.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sacrifice
in a d/s dynamic, it usually appears such that it's the s type who makes all, or most of the sacrifices. In an outward appearance. This may be so, but the lifestyle I CHOOSE to lead, what is given up is hardly a sacrifice.
Autonomy is the hardest I think, though. I'm used to making all the decisions, and now not so much. Many of the decisions rest totally with him, where I'm concerned anyway. Not so much with the kids, as we're not a single household yet, kids and and decision making is totally my domain. Granted I get opinions, but the decisions ultimately are mine.
So we're at a crux right now. A HUGE one. We've had enough of this blasted distance. We're both tired of sleeping alone, saying goodbye, and relying on technology for day to day communication. As far as distance relationships, we're lucky- it's just a car ride to see each other. Still, that ride isn't right around the corner, so it limits us to weekends, which I know some of you out there would kill to have that close proximity. Nothing is ever quite the way we want it to be.
So the Master is the one with the property and land. I'm the one with the brood and the excellent paying job (which I cannot keep or find in his neck of the woods). Who's going to move? We go back and forth with the decision. Each of us has a valid reason to stay where we are and have the other make the move.
I told him this morning that I feel selfish for even asking him to consider making the move. He wouldn't have to sell anything, but he wouldn't have the satisfaction of finally living in the abode he's built with his own two hands, and he's getting very close to living that dream.
In a previous relationship, him moving was the only option- - he had nothing anyway, so was moving toward something he coveted- a home in which he could be king (insert gagging reference here). We all know that didn't work out, but there was something different about that dynamic. Maybe it's because I never really felt any dominance from him. Maybe it's because I was a bitch and pushed back on mostly everything that didn't "work for me".
I just feel very strange asking the Master to make the move, so I can stay in my comfort zone, and the kids can too. He's not asking me to make the move either. We just keep going in this circle, because any way you look at it something major is going to happen. Those decisions can't be made on a whim. If it was just me... I'd be gone already, but it's not. THAT and fitting all of us at his place is NOT going to be easy. We'd have to endure 4 years until the first one moves out.
Not to mention the tears and protests that are going to follow if the final decision is I go. They will go where I do however, that is not an option.
I really don't want to move right now. I'd be uprooting everyone, cleaning house and leaving the home, and job that provide my family's well being, and what if it doesn't work out... then I have nothing. I want a guarantee that we can sustain being a family for at least the next 8 years. I have to get the kids to 18. They can be on their own, and I'll figure out what to do with me. I'm resilient, I'll survive anything, but I need them to feel stability.
It would be so much easier for him to make the move here, but ask someone to give up a dream? How can I do that? How long until the resentment kicks in?
Autonomy is the hardest I think, though. I'm used to making all the decisions, and now not so much. Many of the decisions rest totally with him, where I'm concerned anyway. Not so much with the kids, as we're not a single household yet, kids and and decision making is totally my domain. Granted I get opinions, but the decisions ultimately are mine.
So we're at a crux right now. A HUGE one. We've had enough of this blasted distance. We're both tired of sleeping alone, saying goodbye, and relying on technology for day to day communication. As far as distance relationships, we're lucky- it's just a car ride to see each other. Still, that ride isn't right around the corner, so it limits us to weekends, which I know some of you out there would kill to have that close proximity. Nothing is ever quite the way we want it to be.
So the Master is the one with the property and land. I'm the one with the brood and the excellent paying job (which I cannot keep or find in his neck of the woods). Who's going to move? We go back and forth with the decision. Each of us has a valid reason to stay where we are and have the other make the move.
I told him this morning that I feel selfish for even asking him to consider making the move. He wouldn't have to sell anything, but he wouldn't have the satisfaction of finally living in the abode he's built with his own two hands, and he's getting very close to living that dream.
In a previous relationship, him moving was the only option- - he had nothing anyway, so was moving toward something he coveted- a home in which he could be king (insert gagging reference here). We all know that didn't work out, but there was something different about that dynamic. Maybe it's because I never really felt any dominance from him. Maybe it's because I was a bitch and pushed back on mostly everything that didn't "work for me".
I just feel very strange asking the Master to make the move, so I can stay in my comfort zone, and the kids can too. He's not asking me to make the move either. We just keep going in this circle, because any way you look at it something major is going to happen. Those decisions can't be made on a whim. If it was just me... I'd be gone already, but it's not. THAT and fitting all of us at his place is NOT going to be easy. We'd have to endure 4 years until the first one moves out.
Not to mention the tears and protests that are going to follow if the final decision is I go. They will go where I do however, that is not an option.
I really don't want to move right now. I'd be uprooting everyone, cleaning house and leaving the home, and job that provide my family's well being, and what if it doesn't work out... then I have nothing. I want a guarantee that we can sustain being a family for at least the next 8 years. I have to get the kids to 18. They can be on their own, and I'll figure out what to do with me. I'm resilient, I'll survive anything, but I need them to feel stability.
It would be so much easier for him to make the move here, but ask someone to give up a dream? How can I do that? How long until the resentment kicks in?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Progression
My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.
I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).
There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.
I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.
Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.
So why?
So at some point I can say enough?
I don't want to have that control anymore.
So I brought it up.
We talked.
It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.
He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....
It's all in his hands.
I like it in his hands.
I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.
He asks.
He gets.
He wants.
He receives.
I would have it no other way.
Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.
He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...
He wants me to be me.
I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but
I need for only him to be him.
The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.
I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.
There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.
To beg....
I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).
There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.
I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.
Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.
So why?
So at some point I can say enough?
I don't want to have that control anymore.
So I brought it up.
We talked.
It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.
He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....
It's all in his hands.
I like it in his hands.
I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.
He asks.
He gets.
He wants.
He receives.
I would have it no other way.
Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.
He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...
He wants me to be me.
I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but
I need for only him to be him.
The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.
I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.
There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.
To beg....
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Recovering from my own thoughts
I've done some serious thinking since my post on Sunday night. I am thoroughly irritated with myself over my inability to verbally relate my feelings to him. It affected most of my day yesterday, and I'm not sure if my angst has pushed him away.
It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.
Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.
One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.
It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.
I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.
Tonight I think I need to write to him.
It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.
Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.
One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.
It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.
I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.
Tonight I think I need to write to him.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Why is it so hard?
Spent the weekend up north again. We had some things to do in town, so we met there before heading back to the casa. I was already at the store when he arrived, and it's like the whole world stops when I see him. I can't ever remember having someone in my life where I felt that way, even during that "rose glasses" time frame.
I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.
We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.
The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?
I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.
I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.
So why the hell am I my own roadblock?
I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.
We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.
The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?
I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.
I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.
So why the hell am I my own roadblock?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thoughts and musings
How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.
Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.
But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.
I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.
I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.
Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.
Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.
Moving on....
I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.
I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.
However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.
Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?
In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.
It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.
It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...
Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.
But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.
I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.
I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.
Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.
Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.
Moving on....
I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.
I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.
However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.
Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?
In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.
It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.
It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Coming to terms
I'm in... lock stock and barrel as they say. I'm madly in love with the man, but have been too chicken to tell him. It's one of those things I think he knows, but hasn't let on that he knows. If there is such a thing.
It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.
I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.
Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .
It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.
I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.
I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.
I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.
We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.
I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.
It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.
I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.
Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .
It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.
I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.
I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.
I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.
We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.
I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.
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