What love means

Defining moments.

I bought a card for Jefe yesterday.  We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.

I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.

It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do.  I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.

I've shown him, and he likewise what love means.  It doesn't mean empty words.  It doesn't mean empty promises.

It means doing and being your best for another person.  It means putting aside and learning anew.  It means taking steps you never thought possible. It means giving of self.

Giving of self.

What a difference life makes when both sides are playing the same game.

I knew it could be like this.

Sobering statistics

I had "divorce class" last week.  The mandatory parenting class for anyone divorcing with minor children.  After 8 years of separation and NO contact, most of the information wasn't pertinent.  However, I did get some good reminders and was glad I approached the evening with an open mind.

At one point, the instructor tossed out some statistics about remarriages.

75% second marriages fail

85% of third marriages fail.

NOT that I'm planning or remotely hoping for a third try at this, but the M/s dynamic is or can be a similar pact.

That figure terrifies me.  It doesn't take a marriage certificate to make a relationship work, but it sometimes makes it worth hanging on to to make it work.  Make sense?

As Jefe and make plans to merge our households (not sure how that looks yet), I fear that I will be part of that 85%.  Baggage aside, I have kids, he doesn't.  I have teens, he doesn't.  That kind of stress is going to be huge on us.  I have no doubt that if it was just the two of us, we'd make it through anything.  We are just that good together.

But now I'm scared to death to become a statistic, and I can't wait another 8 years to live under the same roof. Yeah, yeah, there's the 15% that do work, I don't live in that world, never have, probably never will.

Sometimes you just have to wonder... is love enough?

Phases

I went through a rough patch for awhile.  Questioned damn near every ability I have in this bdsm world.  Another blogger at another site mentioned recently that d/s doesn't define who she is.  

It doesn't necessarily define me, but it is a huge part of my life now.  Something I know I won't ever live without again.  Submission, by itself makes me feel complete, and without a partner who recognizes that submission for what it truly is, recognizes the dynamic of dominance and submission, I'll just fall prey to more controlling arsewipes.  Been there, done that, have the tee.

Thankfully Master pressed through all those insecurities I had, had me sit down and take a good hard look at the reasons why I was feeling pressed up against the wall.  Through that exercise I realized that I was still haunted by the ghost of Dom past. 

Now, I should also point out that even though my head was not in the best space, I was told that said behavior would not be tolerated in the future.  To which I completely concur.  When I realized my behavior, I was crushed by my own actions.  Completely remorseful, and on some level, afraid of the punishment I could have had.  I wasn't let off easy, I'd punished myself.  It has since passed, but the emotions I felt are with me still.  A good lesson for me in humility and grace.

Two weeks ago marked one year he placed his collar around my neck for the first time. So much has happened in this past year.  Good, bad and ugly.  We are stronger for it. It's damn hard to maintain this two home deal, but we're doing it.  Some day we'll look back at all this angst and laugh. My home is by his side, whether it's at place A or place B.  

I still live by my mantra- each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

One day closer.

I was angry today.  Jealous actually.  I was jealous of his past.  I wanted affirmation that what we have is nothing like anything else he's ever seen. I wanted validation that no other submissive satisfied him the way I do, pleased him the way I do, served him the way I do.  I wanted to know whether he felt the same rush scening with someone else as he does with me.

Then it hit me.  They are ex's for a reason.  He wasn't able to flourish, grow, develop, and explore until now.  Every day is a new exploration of ideas, wants, needs.  We create them in each other, fulfill them through each other, and as a result we both grow from it.  I can't say that I'm always jumping up for joy with some of his plans and ideas, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Like he told me yesterday, he likes seeing me squirm in both a good way and not good way.

It's like we're on this never ending spiral staircase.  Some days he holds my hand and we climb into the clouds (the sensualist), and on other days he escorts me into the bowels of hell (the sadist).  How far we go in either direction is up to him, but I gratefully hold his hand and follow his lead.  He seems to know better than I do, which direction I need to be taken to.  Even if I express a desire for up or down. 

He reads me well.  That's not something that happens overnight. It's time, patience, understanding, love, caring, devotion, consideration, empathy, desire.   I could probably go on and on, but it's time for me to get some shuteye.  Early day tomorrow and a trip home in the afternoon.

Losing or Gaining Self

Things are diving deeper.  He's been much more stringent, and his requirements are changing, his commands are broadening.

I felt like I was backed into a corner yesterday.

To my credit, I didn't lash out, I didn't get sarcastic or hostile.  I was open and honest about his "request".

So he altered it.

I don't know that this is any better.

I'm struggling, really struggling.

I have no idea how I'm going to maintain this.

I feel like he's setting me up for punishment.

The pressure is weighing me down, feels like a foot on my chest. It's not anxiety, I know what that is.  It's dread.

I don't want to comply.  I want to put my foot down and cry limit!  But in reality there is no reason for it, other than the fact that it's so very far outside my comfort zone and an inconvenience to my day- each and every day.

None of that is supposed to matter.... right? It's about his needs, his wants. This is what I signed up for- - willingly... right?

I have the man who is stronger than I, strength, character, resolve, honesty- he's all of that.  He warned me time and time again that it would not be easy being his slave.  Any request, command, instruction pales in comparison to this. So far anyway.  I hope one day I'll be able to look back on this and laugh at my foolishness.

It is taking me a long time to come to grips with this task. I'm still not fully enveloped in it.  Today I complied, because that's how I'm wired.  I have to give until I can't.  I didn't think I could envision the day where I actually contemplated a can't.  Yesterday, I did. Today was a new day though.

And other than my own pride, my own sense of propriety... I have no reason not to comply with this.

I felt no sense of relief when I accomplished this task today, I felt only dread for tomorrow is another day.  I hold on to the notion that I will find some sense of adventure to this task. But all I see is the negative impact to me- and while I know that negativity is coming from the independent side of me- it's clouding my judgement.

This IS what I signed up for when I asked him to eliminate my safe word, bring things to the next level.  I want and need this deeper dynamic. I'm still clinging to some idealized notion of M/s.  Where everything is nice and cozy and I'm pushed slowly, nudged into the mold that he's creating.

I realize I'm fighting one sense of self against the other.

I never realized until today how much strength it takes to surrender one's will.  I knew it took strength, don't get me wrong.  For as easy as it is for me to submit to him, it's always been a choice.  The choice looked easy because I was still in a comfort zone.

Today, tomorrow and every tomorrow I am for a short physical amount of time pushed out of that comfort zone.  However, mentally I am no longer there in that comfy space.  The command and my choice to comply is always on my shoulder from this day forward.

It is my choice to comply or deal with the consequences.  One of which could be being released.  That is not an option for me to play a hand in.  I know on some level there could come a day when I could be, but it will not be because I'm choosing to put my foot down over something that in the greater scheme of things is minutia. I cannot and will not become a behavioral issue, manipulate the situation by whining about all the reasons why I feel overwhelmed by this task.

I would have done that previously.  I can see Jay nodding emphatically right now.  Wipe the frown off your face Jay- he's not being unreasonable- I'm looking for excuses.  You know me, you know what buttons need to be pushed.  He's pushing the buttons- just the way he should.

He's got me by the hair forcing my eyes to his- and giving me the opportunity to walk the walk. He told me as much yesterday.  He's got the confidence in me, whereas I don't.

Knowing that doesn't make this any easier though.

It doesn't push me to want to do this, which frightens me a bit.  I'm doing this not for me, but for him.   I haven't wrapped my head around the notion that it's bringing me to a deeper self, losing that surface self, pride and ego.

If I'm going through the motions with this, how long before everything else becomes rote?  How long before I let this permeate into every aspect of our relationship?  I'm strong enough to know that if I let it, it won't take long.  He won't tolerate that, he sees right through me.  It will cause derision though.

Only if I let it permeate.

I'm hanging on, today the thread seems stronger than yesterday.  Soon, I hope that thread will become as thick as a rope.  He'll be at the top anchoring that rope, reaping the benefits of my climb.

I know this, I know it's for the greater good.

I just have to feel it.

I'm not there yet.

Tomorrow is another day.

What a difference

A day makes.

Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.

The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.

Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!

Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.

I used to be. Not any more.

I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.

Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.

I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.

So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.

I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.

I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.

The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.

He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.

Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.

I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.

I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.

He
Owns
Me

what beautiful words.

Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.

I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.

To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.

His response

As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.

My god what beautiful words.

A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.

I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.

It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.

(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)

His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.

Long week

I was on business travel all of this week, and as nice as it is to travel and 'get away', I really don't care for it much. Sleeping in a bed that's not mine or familiar doesn't do much for a good night's sleep. I don't worry about the brood, they are in good hands during my absence.

This week was harder than most though because Jefe is really hurting, physically and mentally. His back injury is not putting his frame of mind in a very good space. Combine that with the fact that I'm still depressed over last weeks miscommunication of sorts, and well it just wasn't a very good week.

I realize that I over think. I'm an analyst...it's what we do!! However, no matter how many times I tried to make light of it, or make an excuse (in my head) the result was still the same. I'm bothered by it, very bothered by it.

The question is what am I going to do about it?

I can't let it fester, if I have too many more days like this I'll be ready for a prescription. I'm tired of having this hang over me like a cloud, casting its shadow. The shadow's getting longer instead of shorter.

Here's the part that's making me stupid. It's all verbal. I see the way he looks at me, feel the way he holds me and I know it's more than 'temptation'. I need to hear it though.

I am not told that I'm missed, or that I'm needed. I'm a temptation. See? I'm doing it again. Making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I can't stop thinking about it though. I have to tell him more than I did last Sunday because I feel it affecting each conversation.

I need to see him, be near him...

need....

It's not something I'm accustomed to.

Progression

My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.

I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).

There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.

I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.


Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.

So why?

So at some point I can say enough?

I don't want to have that control anymore.

So I brought it up.

We talked.

It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.

He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....

It's all in his hands.

I like it in his hands.

I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.

He asks.

He gets.

He wants.

He receives.

I would have it no other way.

Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.

He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...

He wants me to be me.

I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but

I need for only him to be him.

The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.

I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.

There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.

To beg....

More cerebral activity

As the week progresses, I have come to grips with what I need to do, and am going to tell him this weekend. It might not be the best timing, but if I don't tell him, I'm going to keep beating myself up.

I've reflected on various conversations we had last weekend, and it's put me in a much better mind space than I was in on Monday, and even yesterday. The fog has lifted and am now resolved. I knew from the beginning that I was being foolish, but needed the time. I had to sort everything out and remove all of my doubts and insecurities.

Today I am a new person. It's as if I woke with a whole new understanding on me. Which I suppose I did.

I've been doing some reading today on Fet.... interesting groups that I hadn't perused before. All topics Jefe and I have spoken about, nothing new per se at least in conversation. One of the topics was on the "mind fuck", and I realized how effortlessly he does that. Whether it's in a full scene, or just a passing comment.... he never fails to capitalize on something I've said in previous conversations or writings.

Over the weekend he remembered such comment and while in the midst of company, he whispered it in my ear. I froze instantly and looked out the window, envisioning what he said. Now, at the time, I remember thinking "he wouldn't" "it's just a mind fuck". He's very private, so doing something when company is present, so I really did dismiss the comment. Regardless, at the moment he accomplished the mind fuck. But today I realized he very well could have made it happen. I also realized (today), that I don't know what I would have done if he did indeed make it a command rather than a threat.

Would I have used my safeword to say no? It's difficult to look back on the situation and truly know. I can 'see' some discussion and the reminder as to the way out. Once again the decision would be mine and mine alone.

I have a hard time denying the man anything, it's near impossible, but he hasn't pushed me to 'that point' which all I can think of is something that involves the public, innocent bystanders, oh hell who am I kidding, anyone else...

It's one thing for him to use me in private, it's another for him to use me with people around. Use comes in many forms. It doesn't mean fucking or overt sexual behavior. When we were in the store, he took his liberties, and he knew I was uncomfortable. He enjoyed how red my face got. Once again, something Ms. Public Prim n Proper NEVER would consider before. Yet, what did I do to stop him?

Not a damned thing, because the truth of the matter is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that he took what he wanted to take, that he is confident enough in himself and his control over me to "do" instead of just "talk". The mind fuck only goes so far. Suggest it once okay, talk about it numerous times without acting on it and then it becomes just something else not followed through with.

So, I wonder if after the "imaginary discussion" whether I would have opted out. There is a small part of me, and it's growing that sees me following through.

In some ways, that's scary for me. No individual has ever had that kind of power over me. It's one of those things that I've read about, how women will go to exponential lengths to satisfy/prove/serve their dominants, and I can see that happening with me.

As I've told him, if it's in my power, then it is done.

So, yeah, I guess I answered that question now didn't I.

Recovering from my own thoughts

I've done some serious thinking since my post on Sunday night. I am thoroughly irritated with myself over my inability to verbally relate my feelings to him. It affected most of my day yesterday, and I'm not sure if my angst has pushed him away.

It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.

Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.

One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.

It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.

I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.

Tonight I think I need to write to him.

Why is it so hard?

Spent the weekend up north again. We had some things to do in town, so we met there before heading back to the casa. I was already at the store when he arrived, and it's like the whole world stops when I see him. I can't ever remember having someone in my life where I felt that way, even during that "rose glasses" time frame.

I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.

We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.

The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?

I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.

I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.

So why the hell am I my own roadblock?

Thoughts and musings

How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.

Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.

But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.

I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.

I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.

Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.

Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.

Moving on....

I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.

I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.

However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.

Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?

In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.

It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.

It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...

Exhale

Well, I still haven't broken down and uttered those three lil words. He's aware that they're coming though. I'm thoughtful like that... *grins*.

We made a huge step this weekend. He came here to the house instead of me going up North. Here... in the house, with the brood. I would have to say we had a great time. He said he enjoyed himself, and I don't think he'd placate me. He wasn't bugging to get out of here early, no sudden 'things I gotta do came up', so methinks all was good from his perspective. Other than the normal zoo-like atmosphere of said domicile. There's always something that needs to be cleaned, fixed, straightened up etc. That's just a part of my life, and I could have done a clean sweep, but there was a part of me that wanted to say, this is me take me as I am, clutter and all.

As this relationship evolves, there are a few things that are becoming self evident. I never before really knew what it meant to please someone. Now I'm not talking "get on your knees and suck my cock" (I think that's part of the dominant's creed haha), but there's a time and place for that, and while it might be a mantra, it should do more than just dictate the direction of a relationship. Crud, forgot where I was going with this.... (quick reread)

Oh, yeah, okay, so what it means to please someone. Inherently I think we all know what it means to please someone, it doesn't have to be in a sexual sense, unless you're a completely selfish person, in general- you like to see those you care about happy. AND sometimes you have a part in making that happiness.

It doesn't matter which side of the d/s fence you're on.

Unless a dominant's goal in life is to never make a submissive happy, to rule by force and threat of punishment (and I know there are dominants like that out there), then in general a happy sub is a good sub, and one who 'wants' to please.

BUT, in my head, there's a fine line between, the phrase "on your knees" because someone is a dominant and that's the 'general edict' they set forth (been there/done that), and hearing those words and having that instant flutter of "yay!! I'm being told to do this, but it doesn't matter because I really, really want to anyway.

NOW, I know what it feels like to want to do that. To relish each moment I spend on my knees, or beside him, or beneath him, or on top of him... yeah you get the picture *grins* Yeah, even when I'm gagging and choking, and feeling completely inadequate in that department- - I am loving every minute of it.

He pushed a couple of limits this weekend, and it was an eye opening experience for me. I never ever would have imagined myself in either situation and complying with said request. In one case there was no hesitation. In the other, there was some. I was reminded that I can safe word, and I did think about it. In the end though, I complied. It was the only thing that would make me happy, and all because that's what he wanted me to do.

Now I say this with some past experience. I NEVER, and I do say that with capital letters and emphatically, would have engaged in such activities with previous relationships. All two of them. Why? I've asked myself since Friday...

The connection wasn't there. Even TM, the man I was collared to. I realize now, he doesn't know the meaning of it. It's what you're supposed to do in a BDSM relationship. You find someone and you collar them. I didn't know any better, so I went along for the ride. There was nothing 'earned' on my part. I did all the prerequisite introductory things, and poof, there it was. Now, there was an emotional relationship prior to that, months and months of one, but yeah, in retrospect... well and in present, it hasn't happened since.

Wearing something for playtime is one thing, I did that in one relationship. It made sense for that particular play, but I didn't like that either, because it wasn't 'mine'. Others had worn it for the same reason I wore it, and well... I just like to be the princess and feel it's mine. I'm entitled to those feelings, even if it's just in my head.

Anyway, I'm getting myself lost. Oh yes, so previously, I would have come up with every excuse in the book, probably gotten mad at the suggestion, more than likely even become indignant about the whole thing so it would be dropped.

But I didn't this time, he asked why I was hesitating, I explained, and that's when I was reminded of the option to safe word. He completely put the decision back on me, and I know he would have respected the use thereof, there's never a question of that, but it didn't feel right to me. Using the word would have been a cop out. I was not in any danger, technically not breaking any laws, so it was just me that I was fighting.

I did what felt right, I followed his direction and the second I decided to do so knew I made the right one. I was content and safe again. The safe meaning I felt back under the p/e umbrella.

I never looked at it like an umbrella before, but that's exactly what it is. The size is relative because it expands as the trust grows, but he's holding the handle and I can choose to stay covered, or brave the elements (figuratively). Choosing to either step or remain underneath is becoming so natural it's hard to fathom.

We had a great talk last night about the relationship, the intensity, the ebb/flow of the dynamic and how whatever it is, just works right. He is him, I am me... there's no alternate persona that takes over and says 'do this'.

I think that's where I was going earlier. I'm too lazy to scroll up and check so I'll just keep rolling with it.

I've labeled myself as a 'bedroom only' submissive. Mainly for the fact that once outside the bedroom, previous relationships have left me void of any feeling of p/e. Hence the reasons why I would have balked at the limit pushing above.

It's all about the emotional component. Anyone can profess feelings. I think for awhile you can even delude yourself into believing you actually feel those feelings (talking L word people and I don't mean Lesbians). I've learned the hard way that once you commit to admission of said emotion, in both cases it was a response not an initiation btw. Then it's a bargaining tool. "You would if you loved me" type of thing. Yes, this is within the last 5 years, not as a teenager and both men were older than I, and should have known better. However, as I sit here and write this, I realize it has nothing to do with knowing better, it has everything to do with manipulation and emotional guilt.

So I sit here and wrangle with the words I just wrote. It's almost that I'm trying to 'recover' from the notion that love is a bad emotion, or equates with manipulation or guilt. That's not what I'm trying to imply. What I mean is that if it's used before it should be, or responded to in kind when it shouldn't... it makes for bad juju.

I'm not going to make that mistake this time. Well I haven't, so I'm already one step ahead of the past failures in my life.

I know that Jefe would not do the emotional blackmail. He's not the type, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove about his dominance over me, or his manhood in general. He's confident in who he is.

It's that inherent confidence, and the natural way he exudes control that keeps me balanced and confident in how I serve him. Yes, even when choking and gagging, he's always there with kind words of encouragement.

I know that the possibilities for me to learn and grow into deeper service to him are not on the horizon, it's in there here and now. It happens every time we're together, there's always some nuance, and it doesn't always have to be physical that just draws me closer and makes me want to do more to please him.

It's the most wonderful place to be... enlightened as to how I 'knew' it could and should be, and be living it.

Coming to terms

I'm in... lock stock and barrel as they say. I'm madly in love with the man, but have been too chicken to tell him. It's one of those things I think he knows, but hasn't let on that he knows. If there is such a thing.

It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.

I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.

Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .

It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.

I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.

I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.

I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.

We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.

I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.

Ships, anchors, and saiing adrift

I probably shouldn't be writing this blog because I just had 36 uninterrupted hours alone with el jefe. I'm highly emotional today, crashing hard, and recovering from being wrecked in the best possible way.

It was an emotional time, in a plethora of ways- some wicked, some not. The some not is what keeps sending me over the edge today.

There were many unanswered questions in my last blog post. It was the first 'substantial' amount of time I had been able to spend with el Jefe. Since then I've traveled up to his place twice, without having to cut the visits short. This past weekend, I stayed two nights instead of the originally planned one.

We had a discussion about the frequency of our visits. He's frustrated, he wants more time together. So do I, logistically it's about as close to impossible as the two of us can get. Work keeps us apart during the week, and I have the kids so we can't do every single weekend. But in the last 5 weeks I've managed 3 visits, not a bad effort if I say so myself. However, I'd be a fool to think that we'll be able to sustain this good fortune.

Jefe doesn't see it as good fortune, or at least not as much as I do. He wants a partner, not a part time partner. I want more as well, I really do. I think I'm just more content to take things one day at a time, rather than look at the long term.

Wait that isn't entirely accurate, I am looking at the long term. I'm just not focusing on time together- long term is good as long as he's in it. I don't care how much time is involved. I think I'd be safe in saying I'll take whatever part of him I can get.

This is a complete turn around for me. I am the one who wants to escape, not give anyone my time. With Jefe, if I could give him every spare second I would. That concept scares the hell out of me. I count ages and determine at what stage I can do this... then this... until finally this.

Then I reason that let's say we lived closer, frequency would not necessarily give us quality. When we have time now, it's at least a day, maybe two to 2/5. Can't see the same quality in a 3 hr 'date', even if it did happen weekly. At least not compared to what we have now. I've had those relationships... get together 1 x week, sometimes 2 it didn't amount to much in quality. But quality is all in what you make of it.


The options

Quit now before more time goes on and then the potential for hurt is greater

Keep rolling and don't make a decision now.


We started the weekend with that conversation. I made my opinion very clear, he made his decision. I told him he needed to be sure of his decision. He's not 100%, but he agreed with me that what we have is too special for the both of us to quit now. I told him I can identify with his uncertainty, but moving forward we both need to be committed to it. I can't be the only one fighting for this.


Yes, I'm fighting for this. I've spoken to many who call themselves dominants, dated a few, had relationships (short or long term) with a couple others, none (some may be reading this who knows) and I mean none of them can hold a candle to this man. I am not blindly besotted either. Hell, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when we first started talking, neither was he for that matter. We get a chuckle out of that now.

It's not because he brings me places I've never been, both physically and mentally. It's not only those things, but it's part of those things. It's the connection we share that allows those things to happen. There's a level of intimacy that's gripped us both by the short hairs.

When I'm away from him a part of me is missing. That is an incredible feeling for me, previously I could have cared less quite frankly. Couldn't wait to get home, or back on a plane, or for him to leave. It's amazing how we trick our minds into thinking something is good because it satisfies a portion of what we're looking for.

I wrote in another blog awhile back that I go into relationships knowing there is an end somewhere. I don't believe it to be a self fulfilling prophesy, I think that I just knew that those people came into my life for a reason, and longevity wasn't it. There are lessons to be learned from our relationships with others in all contexts. I defined it as being a realist, and now I'm petrified that I might eat my own words.

I needed to learn what those d/s liaison's had to offer so I would be ready and recognize what I have before me.

Just like with any couple, what makes this work for us is what makes us unique. What we defined as our parameters as individuals have been met as a couple, except for this distance and time.

I know couples that have met online and have endured for months and years before they've ever met in person, some have yet to meet and it will be years before they can. But both parties in those relationships are 100% sure that it's worth any amount of time until they can be together. They are content with webcams, emails, instant messenger, and text messages to carry on their relationship, such that it is- - until that day comes.

We have 14-21 days of absence on average (well can't count the last 5 weeks because we haven't set up the actual cadence yet) surely that counts for something. It's more than many have, yet not as much as others.

If he's not 100% sure he can cope with limited time together,

Am I fighting a losing battle?

I'm afraid.... I am. I'm not used to being afraid. I'm petrified that I'll be left broken. On the ride home today, I kept my chin up, told myself I'll deal with the situation when it happens. The thing is, I'm already raw to the core. He's gotten so far inside my head- and we've only skimmed the surface of what we're capable of attaining together as a couple.

I'm not in control of this ship, my destiny is in his hands.

Flip the coin

It's amazing what a single day makes. I slept like crap last night, tossed and turned, and spent some time online at 3 am. I was glad I had work today, to take my mind off of my mopey thoughts. Communication was better today, albeit not spectacular, but typical. The last two days were somewhat typical as well. I was just highly negatively charged.

I'm still wary of peeling back any more layers until we've had a chance for a 'good' conversation. I brought up some things that he needs to ponder on, so the ball is in his court.

The fact remains that he has me captured, whether I want to admit it to myself or not. I just have to take my own feelings slowly. I'm not talking professing my love or something that drastic. God forbid, those words don't fly easily off these lips. But there is a sense of belonging that he has found.

He is and has found a way into my mind. Something I didn't think could happen to me again, but this time it feels and is different. We've already met, have seen each other a few times as a matter of fact. Couple that with virtual communication and hell that's like a year in online only time. It's different in that it's not a full complete exposure either, having only online and phone communication with someone leads to a deeper depth of exposure sure, because words are the only thing you have. However, when you have both the physical intimacy (as in being able to actually touch the person) all that sharing takes on a new meaning. On paper you can say whatever you want to coax a response from another person, but taking those words and having the opportunity to put them to practice... yeah THAT's what I'm talkin' about.


There's letting someone into your mind in the virtual realm. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that has it's place. I don't disregard the depth of emotion that one feels in an online only relationship. You can crave just as deep as the next person. It's no substitute for being able to touch, explore, taste, smell the other person in your life.

It's one thing to look at words and see into a person's soul, it's quite another to reach out hand hold it in your hand.

Moping in my mind

Yesterday sucked. Those who don't live with the dominant person in their life know exactly what I'm talking about. The day-after separation just sucks. It manifests in depression, anxiety, sadness, sometimes manic responses to what seems like everything. Not having a good distraction doesn't help any either.

Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.


During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.


Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.

My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.

Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.

Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?

I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.


I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.

I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.

New Dawn

I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.

By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.

Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.

I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.

It was an eye opening experience.

So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.

Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.

Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.

I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.

let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.

The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.

So this guy...

I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.

When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.

We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.

We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.

Or am I?

I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Oh, my God.

I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.

A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.

I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.

What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.

He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.

I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.

Absence makes the heart grow wiser

I was chatting with a very good friend yesterday about blogging, and where to blog and considering the subject matter (d/s related), I thought this forum was the best venue. Which of course brought me to my own blog here (thank God for stored passwords), and well I can't believe it's been a year.

It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.

During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.

Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.

I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.

Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.

The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.

I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.

Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.

But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.

How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.

Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.

I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.

All I had to do was turn the key....

Was it worth the risk?

I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.

Looking up

I received a nice comment in email today about my space here, and it made me smile.

I've done a lot of introspection in the past month, and I know it's always easy to blame the other person when a relationship goes sour, but I've tried not to do so.

I know I didn't make things easy during this relationship, there were red flags that I either didn't see, or chose not to see. I understand now, how inexperience on both sides of the fence when it comes to the d/s lifestyle can cause problems. He portrayed himself one way, and in some ways he was accurate, but in other ways, he, in retrospect, was less experienced that I was.

I know I gave pushback on certain things, probably more than would be considered submissive. But I cannot and will not do things blindly just because someone wants something a particular way. I didn't recognize the emotional blackmail for what it was- emotional abuse.

When someone in a dominant role uses guilt to get what he or she wants- that's abuse. I heard over and over again "don't you want to help me?" "don't you want to make me happy?" things along those lines. The foundation cracked a long time ago, and I tried to disguise it with a nice potted plant, but all that meant is that I didn't have to look at it every day.

The crack expanded into other areas of my life until I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I have to say it in public, the man is no more a dominant than my baby boy. This man runs from his problems and latches on to people he thinks can give him something he covets- the need to belong. It drives him, but he doesn't realize it, nor does he realize or respect boundaries. Not limits, he didn't have enough creativity to go beyond the little knowledge he does know.

Interestingly enough, I received an email from his former mentor well over a year ago, but after he and I had actually met, and he'd bestowed upon me his collar. She warned me, and apologized for not doing so earlier. She did do me an injustice, feelings had gone headlong into outer space, but I read the email again the other day, and what she said was true- word for word (or just about). All the pieces of the puzzle fit.

He read a few websites, practiced with some props- but he has no idea how to be the dominant role. Over and over again I cried out for the mind fuck and the mind control, and over and over again it went ignored. Was it intentional or just ignorance? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can understand the misguided need for control and the lack of understanding in how to go about getting it. He learned a few moves with props and was content with that, no matter how much talk was shared, that's all it was talk.

Lessons learned.

So where does that leave m now? Looking up of course. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth with the entire lifestyle right now. Even though I know there are good people who live it, I'll not be looking to explore it- especially online.

I will be exploring dating and will find a partner who can and is willing to explore all kinds of kink. Someone who is control of his life and actually likes his life as it is- a relationship would only be an enhancement. In other words- a mirror image of me.

I like my life, such as it is. I've purged and feel so much better.

Now to celebrate my new found knowledge.... I think I need to do some toy shopping. Any suggestions?

From the outside looking in

I have a few friends who are privy to the reasons why I had to do what I did in regards to my relationship with TM. They have all been very supportive. One could say, "of course, they'll be supportive, they're your friends." Yes, this is true, but these friends are also prone to telling me when I'm acting like an ass or a twit (which has happened more than once believe it or not).

I'm not having a hard time letting the relationship itself go. I am already done with that. I think it's because I was pretending to be happy when deep down, I felt a sense of disappointment more often than not. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that the level of trust in scenes I had in him was so great, I simply cannot imagine finding that again. Especially under the premise of d/s or bdsm. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth left over from that aspect of the relationship.

Now, I will be the first to admit, that I have a teensy weensy problem relinquishing control outside of the bedroom. It's not that I don't want to, there is a part of me that does. I just don't know any other way to be. There is that natural side of me that will fix his favorite dinners, serve his plate, tend to clothing etc., but without the 'help' of a strong dominant to keep me in that 'serving' mindset- forget it. If I've had a bad day all bets are off and cook your own damned dinner.

That's where I was. While TM was great in a crisis, level headed and solid, that's about where it ended. On the day to day, not only did I want to make the decisions, I felt I had to because I was the one who had more experience running a household, keeping schedules, maintaining some semblence of order. After having all of that on my shoulders, and having the bdsm side of the house get not only predictable and mundane and eventually non existent, there just wasn't anything.

I not only mentioned it to him, but journaled it in depth. Remember the whole potty thing? Yeah, my suggestion, hell I gave him an entire list of things that would help him maintain some semblence of control. He never followed through. Eventually one learns to give up in that situation.

I either read or heard somewhere that d/s relationships (the first one) can often run its course within two years. I never thought that would happen with us, simply because of his experience (6+ years). However, either he gave up trying to figure out this strong willed independent person with sub desires, or he never knew what to do with me in the first place. I mean how easy is it to assign tasks? That was good for a week or so, a year ago, and then it never went anywhere.

I know I'm laying a lot of blame on his shoulders, but the d in the relationship is supposed to have the majority of that weight. Not that I am keeping myself blameless. I could have just gone through the motions and be the good little sub, but I am selfish. I want something in return. I want to know that my efforts are not just going through the motions. I want (or wanted, I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) someone who understands that I have this submissive longing, but have a meltdown and will run in the other direction if pushed to fast.

I know I didn't make it easy at times, and he'll say "I don't know if you don't tell me", but how many times do es one have to literally spell it out, before one just stops trying?

I talked to a Dom friend of mine recently about some of this. He didn't know TM, so he wasn't passing judgement on him as a person, only the situation. He was of the same inclination as I, TM simply didn't have what it takes to be the right D for me. Now, I really don't know what that is at the present moment. It will take time, and that's ok. I certainly am not looking to get into another relationship, especially one that involves any type of power exchange.

I updated my profile over at alt and had to laugh. Some 'guy' sent me an email shortly after I stated that I just ended a relationship and was pondering my place in the lifestyle. He simply stated that he thought he'd be the perfect person to 'train' me. Then I read his profile. Very demanding. Like that's going to be just what I need right now. I mean give me a break. What a troll.



By the way, now that all is said and done... I have a question;

How are the toys and props supposed to be divided when a relationship falls apart?