New Dawn

I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.

By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.

Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.

I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.

It was an eye opening experience.

So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.

Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.

Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.

I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.

let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.

The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.

So this guy...

I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.

When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.

We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.

We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.

Or am I?

I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Oh, my God.

I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.

A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.

I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.

What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.

He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.

I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.

Absence makes the heart grow wiser

I was chatting with a very good friend yesterday about blogging, and where to blog and considering the subject matter (d/s related), I thought this forum was the best venue. Which of course brought me to my own blog here (thank God for stored passwords), and well I can't believe it's been a year.

It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.

During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.

Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.

I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.

Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.

The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.

I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.

Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.

But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.

How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.

Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.

I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.

All I had to do was turn the key....

Was it worth the risk?

I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.

Wow, look at the time and a few other thoughts.

I've been sitting here flitting back and forth between random blog searching and increasing my stats in the multiple games I play on facebook. TM (The Man) is here at my side, on his lappie, and we haven't spoken much. That's ok though, it's not that either one of us feel like we must keep each other occupied with idle chatter, which is good, because I really don't know what to say at this point..

I've wandered through quite a few blogs today, and started following a good many of them. It's also gotten me horny as all hell.

Some of the spanking blogs I perused today, "oh my!!!" I don't think I could ever envision my ass literally blistered from a good spanking, but those red bums? oh yes, oh my, oh Lord. I think I need to make sure I have wooden spoons in the house.

That's on the fantasy list, or humiliation list, or one of the numerous lists that I seem to be formulating in my head. He and I have had numerous talks about the mind fuck. I've come to the conclusion that the mind fuck cannot just be during play. I'm way too alpha for that. It's too easy for me to go about my day and be in control of everything... not that I want to, it's just been the way I've had to live for the past 20 years or so. I've always been in charge of everything. House, family, kids, dr. apts, earning money... you name it. I said before, that's not exactly the way I envisioned my life, but what's done is done, and I'm quite proud of the woman I've evolved into.

The down side of that though, is relinquishing control OUTSIDE sex activities. It's tough, it's damned tough. So we made the compromise so I don't get into a 'backed into a corner' feeling, that he would have complete control over my sexuality, so where is that control?. So because of my vivid imagination, I see all sorts of things. Like this quiet time we have right now. I see these things, but know it won't happen.

Stick your hand down my pants and make sure I'm wet. Do something?!?!?!

Follow me in close proximity to the bedroom, close the door right behind us and pull my drawers down to my ankles.

Make me hold my shirt up and tease and torture my nipples like only you can.

Make me worship your cock on demand.

Put me up on the bathroom counter and spread me wide and tell me to fuck myself while you watch.

Make me cook dinner with a vibrating egg in my ass.

Give me a good quick fuck and pull out fast.

God, I shouldn't do this to myself... I don't need him to torture me, I can do it all by myself. But you know... there is nothing quite like feeling used, abused, a real fuck toy, a piece of meat.

I thrive on it. I need it. It takes away all my control, puts me in the right head space. It reminds me of who is really in control, who I want and need to be in control. I'm a slave to my cunt. I'm a sexual slave to TM. Therefore my cunt is a slave to TM. (not to mention every other orafice as well).

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now, it's time to cook dinner. I love feeling my juices on my inner thighs, knowing that thoughts of TM and what he could do to me at any given moment excites me to that extent.

I love that single moment when I stand up, feeling the wetness coat me as I walk. Oh yeah, yum.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if he can smell his bitch in heat? (Just stole a glance over, he's intent on whatever he's glancing at, so yeah, he's oblivious)

God I need to be used. Good thing I know it's not going to happen or I'd be disappointed.