Phases

I went through a rough patch for awhile.  Questioned damn near every ability I have in this bdsm world.  Another blogger at another site mentioned recently that d/s doesn't define who she is.  

It doesn't necessarily define me, but it is a huge part of my life now.  Something I know I won't ever live without again.  Submission, by itself makes me feel complete, and without a partner who recognizes that submission for what it truly is, recognizes the dynamic of dominance and submission, I'll just fall prey to more controlling arsewipes.  Been there, done that, have the tee.

Thankfully Master pressed through all those insecurities I had, had me sit down and take a good hard look at the reasons why I was feeling pressed up against the wall.  Through that exercise I realized that I was still haunted by the ghost of Dom past. 

Now, I should also point out that even though my head was not in the best space, I was told that said behavior would not be tolerated in the future.  To which I completely concur.  When I realized my behavior, I was crushed by my own actions.  Completely remorseful, and on some level, afraid of the punishment I could have had.  I wasn't let off easy, I'd punished myself.  It has since passed, but the emotions I felt are with me still.  A good lesson for me in humility and grace.

Two weeks ago marked one year he placed his collar around my neck for the first time. So much has happened in this past year.  Good, bad and ugly.  We are stronger for it. It's damn hard to maintain this two home deal, but we're doing it.  Some day we'll look back at all this angst and laugh. My home is by his side, whether it's at place A or place B.  

I still live by my mantra- each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

One day closer.

I was angry today.  Jealous actually.  I was jealous of his past.  I wanted affirmation that what we have is nothing like anything else he's ever seen. I wanted validation that no other submissive satisfied him the way I do, pleased him the way I do, served him the way I do.  I wanted to know whether he felt the same rush scening with someone else as he does with me.

Then it hit me.  They are ex's for a reason.  He wasn't able to flourish, grow, develop, and explore until now.  Every day is a new exploration of ideas, wants, needs.  We create them in each other, fulfill them through each other, and as a result we both grow from it.  I can't say that I'm always jumping up for joy with some of his plans and ideas, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Like he told me yesterday, he likes seeing me squirm in both a good way and not good way.

It's like we're on this never ending spiral staircase.  Some days he holds my hand and we climb into the clouds (the sensualist), and on other days he escorts me into the bowels of hell (the sadist).  How far we go in either direction is up to him, but I gratefully hold his hand and follow his lead.  He seems to know better than I do, which direction I need to be taken to.  Even if I express a desire for up or down. 

He reads me well.  That's not something that happens overnight. It's time, patience, understanding, love, caring, devotion, consideration, empathy, desire.   I could probably go on and on, but it's time for me to get some shuteye.  Early day tomorrow and a trip home in the afternoon.

Moving forward

It's easy to fall back into routines. That's what I almost found myself doing this week. Turning to an old flame turned friend, looking for the comfort and lust that had been lacking from my life for too long.

There are reasons why that friendship will always remain that, but it still felt nice to hear him lusting after me, expressing his want and desire.

Turns out it was a good thing. He brought out that inner need that can get get stifled and thrown to the back of the closet. While it's always so much nicer to have someone else sate the sexual needs, I'm not going to go back to being an asexual being. I did that for quite a long time. Oddly enough, it was the same man who brought me back to life three years ago. Wow, just realized that.

I've taken control of my sexuality again, started surfing porn, and broke out the toys.

Anyway, I knew I loved my waterproof rabbit for a reason, my morning and once again evening showers have been quite satisfactory of late. I wonder if they make a little version with just the rabbit ear part that somehow straps to a finger or two or even hand. I don't always find there's a need to use the phallus part of the toy, and it can become cumbersome to use.

I was also indulgent, I took the suction cup dildo and lubed it up and let it sink deep in my arse. Now that was a slice of heaven, add those rabbit ears to my clit and voila!!! Instant smile for the remainder of the day.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about this whole d/s thing. Maybe it's just not for me. A little kink in the bedroom, ok, ok, a LOT of kink in the bedroom, ok, ok whips and restraints too. ok, ok, humiliation and some discipline.

I have gone back to alt and made adjustments to my original profile, deleted the joint one we had together, and doing more reading. Something will fit, not rushing it, but I did think it was important not to run from it either. I know the yearnings and urges will crop up, so why deny the need now? I can use this time to find out more about why the relationship with TM didn't work on my end. It always takes two, he wasn't the bad guy here 100% of the time.

It's all a matter of finding the right person to explore it with, I guess. Time will tell