Rough Week

I'm feeling lost this week. Communication is like pulling teeth, and I don't know specifically why.  I know things still aren't the way he wants them to be, on many levels.  The time we spend together is never enough, but it's all I have so I cling to it.

I know it wouldn't be this way if we were 24/7, but there's nothing I can do about it now, and for the foreseeable future- - he knows it too.

So why do I feel like I should be doing something about it?

Why do I feel guilty because I'm still this far away?

Why do I feel like if I simply stopped- he would be fine with it/?

I'm being irrational, and I know this.  Yet I find I can't shake this uneasiness.

I don't doubt him, maybe I am on the surface, but if he wanted to end it, he would do so.  He doesn't hem and haw or beat around the bush.

I don't think there's someone else.  He's been on the receiving end of that, and it's just not in his nature.

Or is that what I want to believe?

I'm full of doubt, fear, uncertainty.  I'm not sure how to approach it either.

Deep Sighs

I've been doing a lot of that lately. It seems like the universe is testing my patience in more ways than one.

Nothing earth shattering, but trying nonetheless.

I got to post a personal blog at the other place over the weekend. When I mean personal, I mean descriptive. I generally don't do that. I tend to skate over things, give generalities, but I only get descriptive and explicit when I'm writing stories. Then all bets are off, one of my characters can give a three page blow job, but have me write about a personal experience and I could take a three hour scene and reduce it to a single paragraph, probably two.

I get to visit this weekend, just me, just him. For the last month we've had kids surrounding us, which hasn't left us celibate, but yanno.... none of the real good stuffs.

I'm having minor surgery tomorrow morning. It is minor, I'll be under general anesthesia though, so there's a part of me that is still nervous, and anxious for the outcome as well.

I wish he could come down tonight, I really would like to be wrapped in his strength today and tonight.

So I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and trying to be nonchalant, but I'd prefer just shutting my door until tomorrow is done.

Emotionally needy

I'm torturing myself today. I had him to spoil for nearly five days before he had to go back home. I've been very emotional since he said he was leaving. It's not like I thought he would stay forever, but a few more days would have been nice.

But he had to go back, just like I have to come back every time I'm up there.

We had a few long talks over the weekend, about something and nothing. He would like to find a job that has him traveling- - like he used to. From what I gather he'd be gone for months at a time. At one time I would have thought that was the ideal relationship, now I'm not so sure.

I long for him, I crave him. I haven't felt that toward another human being in over 20 years. And back then I had no idea what d/s was, that guy was the 'one that got away'. I've pined over him ever since. Not in a "I want him back" kind of way, but a what if kind of way.

Anyway, I digress.

Of course, should he land a job like that, and we make the decision to stay together, I will cope.

It does give a person much to think about though.

I thought we crossed this bridge

Back to the silence.

I know he's dealing with a lot of shit, but hey who isn't on some level.

I thought we cleared that debris a couple months ago.

I guess not.

*sigh*

Sanity

It's been a long while, life has been more than busy, both work, family and Him. His injury finally required surgery, and thankfully I had some time off and was able to be with him non stop during the first part of his recovery.

Ten days is a long time to spend with someone non stop, well except for 2 hours in which I had to run errands for both he and I. In the past, I was in an LDR and after 2 days I was looking for an escape hatch. When he lived closer, a weekend every other weekend was quite long enough.

Shit, I would go on dates in the last couple of years and have a self imposed curfew. Always a way out.

Not so any more. Leaving after those 10 days was excruciating. This past weekend was my first back there in two weeks, and again, leaving is heart wrenching.

I've taken to asking if I can bring my collar back home with me. It's made the separation tolerable, or as tolerable as it can be.

I'm hesitant to bring up an every day collar, because he's still very limited in what he can/can't do around the house, and his creativity has been put on hold- so making something or buying something seems a bit of an imposition to ask of him.

I wrote in another blog elsewhere that the fact he is mine and I am his brings forth this overwhelming sense of emotion, gratitude, pride, awe, amazement, love, desire, and determination.

I never really cared whether I lived up to someone's expectations, I am me this is it, take it or leave it. I find that as I'm helping him around the house, doing something in the yard, I want and strive for perfection. I want to be nothing but in his eyes.

I hate it when I fall short of my own expectations. There's no such thing as perfection. He's not perfect either. Do we seem to fit perfectly together? Yes, I'd say we do.

I'm not so blinded by my admiration of the man that I can't see him in all of his faults, strengths, and needs improvement (haha). As humans we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever growing. He, even though he is my dominant, my master, my owner- is no different.

It is the whole picture of the man- that is mine.

Going through the motions

That's all I seem to be doing today. I'm getting things accomplished, back on track with work and home, but there's an emptiness that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it.

I had almost two full weeks with Jefe. He's recuperating from surgery and I was more than eager to jump at the chance to be by his side while I could.

It was an interesting dynamic, him needing the help and me being in the 'area of control'. I didn't quite see it that way though. While I did what I do best, cater and ensure his comfort and health were seen to, I didn't feel that I was the one in control. I served his needs, offered some suggestions, recommended certain therapeutic remedies (no not sex), but even in the midst of his pain- - he was. There was never a doubt in my mind.

It was a different train of thought for me. Normally when someone I care about is ill in some way- it's a do this or that and I go into my natural (or unnatural depending upon your point of view) take charge mode.

I don't do that with him. It's odd. I go completely against everything else that I normally do, and just 'be' for him. There's no protocol in place for me to do that. I don't have to drop my clothes at the door, immediately fall to my knees. It's just a natural state of submissiveness for me. I'm perfectly comfortable just following his lead, or like with the last two weeks taking the latitudes he gave me given the situation to care for him.

I'm missing that today. My days were full of him, literally surrounding myself with him and his comfort, and today I have nothing. I'm not dropping like I thought I would. I just feel empty. I want to pour out a long email gushing with emotion, but he's dealing with this as well... why make it worse for him?

I brought home my collar this time. I don't usually. He understood that it will make things easier for me to be away from him this time.

I don't know when I'll be going back. It's back to school time around here, so I'm busy with that, and he may have the opportunity for some R&R at the shore, that would really help his recovery process. While it's certainly not a collar that I could wear in mixed company. I keep it close and I'm comforted by just touching it from time to time.

I feel guilty that I'm not there, by his side. I drive to his place and I feel like I'm coming home, and this place is just where I need to be for now.

Strange drop

Jefe had his surgery for his back on Friday. I made an executive decision, without consulting him, and made the trek up north to be at his side. He called me first thing in the morning, left me two texts, but I didn't answer him back, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

I felt bad, because he said in his last message that he was hoping to talk to me before he went in, but it wasn't to be. However, when his mom brought me back into the pre-op room, the initial look of shock and subsequent smile, made it all worth while. Thankfully his surgery was later than expected so I was able to spend a good hour with him before he went under. I don't know if or how much extra peace it gave him, but I'd like to think it did.

It was where I needed to be, at his side, and at his side was where I was.

He mentioned a few times (and not always while doped up either haha) that it was a nice surprise, or he was glad I was there.

Each time he said it, I almost brushed it off, like I tend to do when he thanks me for something, but I'm learning to stop and say you're welcome, instead of being nonchalant.

I must admit, I thought my heart would overflow and burst with joy each time he took my hand, or I was there to see to his needs.

I didn't stay overnight. I had things to do here... get the kids ready for their annual trip to see the other grandparents (they leave tomorrow), get food for the remaining spawn, etc. I'm heading back up north to be with him for the next 10 days. His mom will leave once I get there. Last night she thought to call me and give me an update because he crashed. She reiterated how glad they both were that I came up, and that it meant a lot to both of them.

I'm glad.


It left me with a gaping hole yesterday though. It was like a drop of a different kind. I felt a little lost, and today isn't much better. It's a bad mix of not being with him and my babies leaving. It's the crawl in a hole type of morning.

The experience has opened up that can of worms about unanswered questions again. Is it harder for him to admit what he's feeling than it was for me? Or, God forbid, maybe he just doesn't feel that way. I always have to leave myself open to that possibility.

I'm getting to the point, though, where I need to have that discussion because I feel the walls building... ever so slowly, and generally when we're not together. Of course, it's when we're not together that I don't feel 'him'.


There was a song back in the 90's... wow yeah way back then. I can't remember the artist now, but it was a rock ballad. Something about love and showing how you feel and the words don't make it real... OH! I found it... Extreme was the artist... More than words is the song.


Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know


Sometimes though, you just need to hear it.

I wonder if he wonders at times, why I haven't begged for my permanent collar. He told me months ago that I would need to beg, and I haven't.

Sometimes I wonder how I can feel owned, or know he's my Master, and trust him the way that I do, without having heard how he feels about me. Then I sit and question myself, do I really need to hear it? Yes. I do. I want to know the depths of what he's feeling.

Then I second guess myself again. We've had discussions about what a collar means, and unless he was just blowing smoke up my ass, he takes that meaning seriously. It's not something to 'play' around with. Well outside of play that is.

I've answered my own questions, many times over in my head. I'm just being stubborn.

What a difference

A day makes.

Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.

The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.

Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!

Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.

I used to be. Not any more.

I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.

Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.

I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.

So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.

I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.

I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.

The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.

He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.

Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.

I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.

I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.

He
Owns
Me

what beautiful words.

Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.

I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.

To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.

His response

As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.

My god what beautiful words.

A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.

I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.

It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.

(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)

His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.

Long week

I was on business travel all of this week, and as nice as it is to travel and 'get away', I really don't care for it much. Sleeping in a bed that's not mine or familiar doesn't do much for a good night's sleep. I don't worry about the brood, they are in good hands during my absence.

This week was harder than most though because Jefe is really hurting, physically and mentally. His back injury is not putting his frame of mind in a very good space. Combine that with the fact that I'm still depressed over last weeks miscommunication of sorts, and well it just wasn't a very good week.

I realize that I over think. I'm an analyst...it's what we do!! However, no matter how many times I tried to make light of it, or make an excuse (in my head) the result was still the same. I'm bothered by it, very bothered by it.

The question is what am I going to do about it?

I can't let it fester, if I have too many more days like this I'll be ready for a prescription. I'm tired of having this hang over me like a cloud, casting its shadow. The shadow's getting longer instead of shorter.

Here's the part that's making me stupid. It's all verbal. I see the way he looks at me, feel the way he holds me and I know it's more than 'temptation'. I need to hear it though.

I am not told that I'm missed, or that I'm needed. I'm a temptation. See? I'm doing it again. Making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I can't stop thinking about it though. I have to tell him more than I did last Sunday because I feel it affecting each conversation.

I need to see him, be near him...

need....

It's not something I'm accustomed to.

Miscommunication

Things don't always come out as intended.

Today I was going, or should I say hoping to go up north and meet up with jefe and his friends for a short time. My intent was to surprise him, but I thought better of it and told him of my intentions.

At first he sounded happy, then given the situation, he suggested it would be better for me to stay home. I told him I was hurt, and why. His words weren't intended to hurt, but they did nonetheless. Doesn't he want to be near me as much as I want to be near him?

I went from elated to crushed within an hour.

I'm still crushed.

I'm having a very hard time with it.

The reasons were valid and thoughtful of me, but it's left me sad and empty.

I wanted nothing more than a few hours in his presence, to get that physical reassurance and mental affirmation of 'him'.

We parted the last time on a sombre note... I needed that rush of happiness I get when I see his face.

But, the D has spoken, and I am home. Missing him so much it physically aches.

Is he aching too?

Evaluating

Last weekend el jefe and I camped beneath the stars. It was a weekend of firsts for me in so many ways. I was naked in the wilderness, but not so desolate there wasn't any other soul. I heard cars or rather trucks in the not too far distance. I was nervous, excited, and on edge given my environment.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be strapped to a tree, led around by my leash with nothing but shoes on my feet and cuffs adorning my wrists and ankles. Last weekend I found out. I also found out I enjoyed it. It brought me deeper into my submission to him, and realized that I felt completely at ease putting my trust in him in a whole new fashion.

It was also the first weekend we were truly alone to experience bdsm activities without the use of a safe word. A few weeks back I broached the subject and told him I didn't want it anymore. He thought about it, and was in agreement. With the caviat that we'd discuss the to see if either of us wanted it back at any time, to which I readily agreed. Never even having been pushed to actually use a safeword in my past, this was a huge leap for both of us. He's never been in the drivers' seat to that extent. He's called it quits on his own accord or ended when a safe word was used, either by me or in his past. It's a heavy load to carry on a dominant's shoulders, one I felt he was ready to take on. Obviously, he felt ready as well.

Knowing I didn't have a safe word never left my conscious thought. There were a few times when I was strapped to the tree and the evil flogger bruised my flesh when I thought I might have been able to use it... before, but knowing it wasn't there pushed me. I knew he would decide when and if the flogging would stop. He would decide how much I had to endure for him, and for me. The decisions were his and his alone. I was confident in my decision, I felt myself fall deeper into his control, and I reveled in it.

He then set up a seat for himself and brought me to my knees to worship him, like any good slut should. Unable to use my hands, I lavished him with all the attention I could muster, before he took over and used me how he wanted to. Now there's a definite distinction between self imposed and imposed use. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, I will gag and retch, and I will fight to pull off of him to breathe and not puke. He will pull me back down and have his way. It's not something I find I can relax with, however much I want to- and I do want to.

Again, there was no safe word, and all the aforementioned things did happen, and then some. I resisted, and he pushed, I tugged and he pulled me back. I had saliva flowing from my mouth, mucus running from my nose, tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed at my appearance, gone was the demure slut, I was pulled into the depths of a wanton whore. Every girls dream... right? Looking back on it today, yes it was, but in the moment I was embarrassed to have him see me like that. I begged for relief, for a chance to compose myself, but he was unrelenting. He was going to use me the way he wanted to, for as long as he wanted to. It didn't matter to him if I was going to puke all over him, or drool, or make a complete mess of either one of us. It was humiliating, and degrading, but never once did he make me feel incompetent or belittle my efforts. He could have been mean, could have shoved my face down in the dirt and literally made me feel as worthless as I was making myself feel, but he didn't. He proved to me that he could take all the control from me and still make me want to give more.

At one point, he pulled up on my leash and held me inches from his face and asked me if I wanted my safe word back. I don't recall if there was a second or two of hesitation, but I shook my head no, without a doubt I didn't want it back. He affirmed that I did indeed want to be his slave and resumed his use.

It was a mind blowing experience, with minimal physical restraints, I felt more helpless than ever before, and more free than I've ever been.

When he finished with me, I laid there and cried. I have a tendency to do that when he pushes me that far, but previously it's been after calling 'red'. I don't know how much more I would have endured, but it didn't matter to me. I endured what he wanted me too.

As we sat and watched the sun set over the horizon, we talked about the intensity of the situation. I don't think I could verbalize how deep I went, or how close to him I felt. It's an addicting endorphin to be that immersed and free. I want to be there again and again.

He said something that surprised me, after we finished that talk and yapped about other things...
He said he had been contemplating my profile (on the mega bdsm site) and considering publicly linking me to him. Considering how private he is, I was dumbfounded. I told him I would be honored to have that attachment. He also said he's considering requesting my passwords. To what I asked. To everything he replied. I surprised myself when I shrugged and said, ok let me know.

A few years ago, the other dom (capital removed for intent) and I talked about exchanging passwords, and I flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt that I wouldn't share that with him. I'm not talking about banking PIN, I'm talking the public social media, but I wouldn't. Not because I had something to hide, but it was an invasion of privacy. I could have cared less about his passwords, he had nothing of any interest to me, but there was no way in hell I was giving him mine. Oh well, was my train of thought. Deal with it.


Even though the subject never came up again, my feelings never changed. I would never give him passwords. I guess I never truly trusted him with me or anything mine.

With el jefe, it just feels right. Another step in the depths of his control.

He hasn't asked for them yet, but I'm sure he's doing his evaluating as well.

He also reads my blog over at that other site. That surprised me as well. I don't ever see his name when I look at the 'recently viewed' list. Not that I write things I wouldn't want him to see, but I honestly didn't think that he was reading. He also mentioned that he was glad I didn't join the group he belonged to, because he was sure I'd read his posts. In all honesty, I hadn't read his posts in some time. I felt it was an invasion of his privacy, but now that he's mentioned it, I will admit, I've gone and read his questions and his answers. Personally, I think most of the people in that group have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to their own self importance, but they do have interesting things to say from time to time.

One of his recent questions has to do with a topic he and I touched on during our night under the stars. One that affects me deeply, and am helpless to do much about it. I can see that it's weighing heavily on his mind as well, but we don't have answers. I'm glad he's seeking counsel from people he values.

I want that night back. There's nothing I would change, with the exception of some bug spray haha, but I want it back. I need to feel it again.

Days without him become unbearable in some ways, in most ways. How I wished he was here when I returned home yesterday. Alas, he wasn't, and it will be two more weeks before we will next see each other, maybe three.

Well, this blog is long enough. I may post again today, as I have more things on my mind.

until then.... live.

Warmth

There's a certain feeling of warmth and togetherness that can be felt even when you're not in the presence of that other person.

Just a ramble of thoughts

The typical Monday has rolled into a tepid Tuesday. It's not that I'm feeling indifferent towards things, more like lost. Five days seems like an eternity.

I asked for an assignment, I haven't felt a need to do that, but I realize that I need one. Assignments for me are writing tasks. He picks a subject and I have to dive into my head and reveal what's there. We have impromptu discussions all the time, but it's been a few weeks since I've had a specific topic to ponder over. Some of the assignments are easier than others, but there have been a few that have been tough, more the creative assignments, the ones where I have to talk about a specific topic are easy for me. I guess I have so much to say about something.

Mondays and Tuesdays are tough for me. We're both going through drop, him in the headspace, and me in the subspace. I get spoiled simply by being with him, and then we go through this. I get lost during this time. More lost than I thought I ever would. It's not insecurity, it's just missing him. I can't complain much though, because he's going through his own shit, but it does make me blue nonetheless.

I will be away from him for almost a month, and it's coming up soon. If he isn't able to make it here this weekend, it will be a month before I will see him again. I can't fathom what that will be like. I'm dreading it both from my point of view and his. Granted, even if we lived closer, my schedule is such that it really wouldn't matter, but it would allow for brief contact- - depending on how close we were. Will this cement the distance factor for him? Will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Will he finally decide that the amount of time we'll be apart just isn't worth this loneliness we suffer after each visit? Either way, I told him that he had three weeks to get healthy because after that amount of time I'm going to drive up and ravage him.

I realize I'm way over analyzing here, but that's the way my brain works. Examine each and every facet until I drive myself crazy. Aren't you so glad you're here reading this dribble?

Am a barking up the wrong tree? Probably. The distance factor is our only stumbling block. The rest we've eased into nicely. Our dynamic flows without difficulty, and I think that ease makes the days without even more difficult. Of course, were we together more often, real life would interfere just like it does for everyone, and things might be different. All we have is what we have, and while it's not enough, we must settle for something that is exactly what we both want, just not at our fingertips.

It's something so many go through. Distance has never been a problem for me. I've said either here or in another blog somewhere, I couldn't wait for my escape, let me go back to my domain. It's just the opposite now. It's a measly three hours each way, but it's too much. I want him in my clutches much sooner than that drive allows.

But, I'll take him in any part of my life rather than not having him in it. The cold reality is though, that there are no guarantees, and I am constantly aware of that.

I also haven't started my petition for his collar. Not that I'm conflicted over wanting it, but there is a part of me that is unsure. The distance keeps cropping up in my head, preventing me from spewing forth with my desires. Of course the rational side of me says that he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of a collar, type, style, etc if he was ready or thinking about the distance factor as much as I have been.

A collar means something to us, it's his mark on me, his claim. Not that how I feel, or how he feels will be any different, but it will be different. I've read in numerous places that a collar is akin to a wedding ring. It's a promise of sorts, not legally binding like a marriage, but a formalization of a bond. It's a promise to each other to lead/follow.

So what's holding me back? Me. I'm doing too much analyzing and not enough doing again.

Ok, I'm starting to depress myself now, I better stop for today.

Typical Monday

Thursday afternoon, Jefe asked if I wanted to come up, and of course I took the opportunity as offered. We didn't have anything going on, so by noon I was enroute. The three hours doesn't seem like forever anymore.

As always, I had a wonderful time. Just being next to him is what matters. Of course our continued exploration of bdsm and each other leaves me breathless in so many ways. The things he does physically, the emotional connection is something I never experienced, and probably never will. It's made a good many things I've read about in some blogs around the web make complete sense.

We've made great strides making time to see each other. We manage every weekend, still can't do during the week though, with work schedules. That is really getting to both of us. He thought it was a bit easier on me because I always seem to have something going on, or someone around me, but that's not the case. I want to be with him, not just on the weekends, but each and every day. I want to fall asleep and wake up next to him like I get to do every 5 or 6 days.

It's not enough, I want more. I am selfishly wanting to devote more time to him. My hands are tied and not in a good way. His are too.

It becomes weary and draining. We have devoted time, even when people are around us, but then the immediate separation sucks. I try to put on a happy face when I chat at him, but some weeks I can't, some weeks I don't want to be strong. I need him to be stronger and carry me. It just sucks. We both seem to come out of our funks by Wednesday. I think subliminally we both know the weekend is right around the corner.

I'm just venting today, pay me no mind.

Progression

My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.

I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).

There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.

I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.


Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.

So why?

So at some point I can say enough?

I don't want to have that control anymore.

So I brought it up.

We talked.

It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.

He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....

It's all in his hands.

I like it in his hands.

I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.

He asks.

He gets.

He wants.

He receives.

I would have it no other way.

Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.

He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...

He wants me to be me.

I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but

I need for only him to be him.

The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.

I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.

There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.

To beg....