My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.
I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).
There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.
I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.
Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.
So why?
So at some point I can say enough?
I don't want to have that control anymore.
So I brought it up.
We talked.
It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.
He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....
It's all in his hands.
I like it in his hands.
I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.
He asks.
He gets.
He wants.
He receives.
I would have it no other way.
Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.
He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...
He wants me to be me.
I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but
I need for only him to be him.
The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.
I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.
There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.
To beg....
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Needy
The clock is ticking, I can't wait for the weekend. I need to feel his arms around me, see that look in his eye, and taste his lips.
Of course everything else that goes along with it.
Of course everything else that goes along with it.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
More cerebral activity
As the week progresses, I have come to grips with what I need to do, and am going to tell him this weekend. It might not be the best timing, but if I don't tell him, I'm going to keep beating myself up.
I've reflected on various conversations we had last weekend, and it's put me in a much better mind space than I was in on Monday, and even yesterday. The fog has lifted and am now resolved. I knew from the beginning that I was being foolish, but needed the time. I had to sort everything out and remove all of my doubts and insecurities.
Today I am a new person. It's as if I woke with a whole new understanding on me. Which I suppose I did.
I've been doing some reading today on Fet.... interesting groups that I hadn't perused before. All topics Jefe and I have spoken about, nothing new per se at least in conversation. One of the topics was on the "mind fuck", and I realized how effortlessly he does that. Whether it's in a full scene, or just a passing comment.... he never fails to capitalize on something I've said in previous conversations or writings.
Over the weekend he remembered such comment and while in the midst of company, he whispered it in my ear. I froze instantly and looked out the window, envisioning what he said. Now, at the time, I remember thinking "he wouldn't" "it's just a mind fuck". He's very private, so doing something when company is present, so I really did dismiss the comment. Regardless, at the moment he accomplished the mind fuck. But today I realized he very well could have made it happen. I also realized (today), that I don't know what I would have done if he did indeed make it a command rather than a threat.
Would I have used my safeword to say no? It's difficult to look back on the situation and truly know. I can 'see' some discussion and the reminder as to the way out. Once again the decision would be mine and mine alone.
I have a hard time denying the man anything, it's near impossible, but he hasn't pushed me to 'that point' which all I can think of is something that involves the public, innocent bystanders, oh hell who am I kidding, anyone else...
It's one thing for him to use me in private, it's another for him to use me with people around. Use comes in many forms. It doesn't mean fucking or overt sexual behavior. When we were in the store, he took his liberties, and he knew I was uncomfortable. He enjoyed how red my face got. Once again, something Ms. Public Prim n Proper NEVER would consider before. Yet, what did I do to stop him?
Not a damned thing, because the truth of the matter is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that he took what he wanted to take, that he is confident enough in himself and his control over me to "do" instead of just "talk". The mind fuck only goes so far. Suggest it once okay, talk about it numerous times without acting on it and then it becomes just something else not followed through with.
So, I wonder if after the "imaginary discussion" whether I would have opted out. There is a small part of me, and it's growing that sees me following through.
In some ways, that's scary for me. No individual has ever had that kind of power over me. It's one of those things that I've read about, how women will go to exponential lengths to satisfy/prove/serve their dominants, and I can see that happening with me.
As I've told him, if it's in my power, then it is done.
So, yeah, I guess I answered that question now didn't I.
I've reflected on various conversations we had last weekend, and it's put me in a much better mind space than I was in on Monday, and even yesterday. The fog has lifted and am now resolved. I knew from the beginning that I was being foolish, but needed the time. I had to sort everything out and remove all of my doubts and insecurities.
Today I am a new person. It's as if I woke with a whole new understanding on me. Which I suppose I did.
I've been doing some reading today on Fet.... interesting groups that I hadn't perused before. All topics Jefe and I have spoken about, nothing new per se at least in conversation. One of the topics was on the "mind fuck", and I realized how effortlessly he does that. Whether it's in a full scene, or just a passing comment.... he never fails to capitalize on something I've said in previous conversations or writings.
Over the weekend he remembered such comment and while in the midst of company, he whispered it in my ear. I froze instantly and looked out the window, envisioning what he said. Now, at the time, I remember thinking "he wouldn't" "it's just a mind fuck". He's very private, so doing something when company is present, so I really did dismiss the comment. Regardless, at the moment he accomplished the mind fuck. But today I realized he very well could have made it happen. I also realized (today), that I don't know what I would have done if he did indeed make it a command rather than a threat.
Would I have used my safeword to say no? It's difficult to look back on the situation and truly know. I can 'see' some discussion and the reminder as to the way out. Once again the decision would be mine and mine alone.
I have a hard time denying the man anything, it's near impossible, but he hasn't pushed me to 'that point' which all I can think of is something that involves the public, innocent bystanders, oh hell who am I kidding, anyone else...
It's one thing for him to use me in private, it's another for him to use me with people around. Use comes in many forms. It doesn't mean fucking or overt sexual behavior. When we were in the store, he took his liberties, and he knew I was uncomfortable. He enjoyed how red my face got. Once again, something Ms. Public Prim n Proper NEVER would consider before. Yet, what did I do to stop him?
Not a damned thing, because the truth of the matter is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that he took what he wanted to take, that he is confident enough in himself and his control over me to "do" instead of just "talk". The mind fuck only goes so far. Suggest it once okay, talk about it numerous times without acting on it and then it becomes just something else not followed through with.
So, I wonder if after the "imaginary discussion" whether I would have opted out. There is a small part of me, and it's growing that sees me following through.
In some ways, that's scary for me. No individual has ever had that kind of power over me. It's one of those things that I've read about, how women will go to exponential lengths to satisfy/prove/serve their dominants, and I can see that happening with me.
As I've told him, if it's in my power, then it is done.
So, yeah, I guess I answered that question now didn't I.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Recovering from my own thoughts
I've done some serious thinking since my post on Sunday night. I am thoroughly irritated with myself over my inability to verbally relate my feelings to him. It affected most of my day yesterday, and I'm not sure if my angst has pushed him away.
It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.
Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.
One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.
It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.
I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.
Tonight I think I need to write to him.
It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.
Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.
One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.
It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.
I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.
Tonight I think I need to write to him.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Why is it so hard?
Spent the weekend up north again. We had some things to do in town, so we met there before heading back to the casa. I was already at the store when he arrived, and it's like the whole world stops when I see him. I can't ever remember having someone in my life where I felt that way, even during that "rose glasses" time frame.
I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.
We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.
The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?
I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.
I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.
So why the hell am I my own roadblock?
I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.
We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.
The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?
I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.
I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.
So why the hell am I my own roadblock?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thoughts and musings
How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.
Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.
But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.
I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.
I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.
Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.
Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.
Moving on....
I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.
I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.
However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.
Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?
In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.
It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.
It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...
Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.
But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.
I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.
I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.
Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.
Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.
Moving on....
I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.
I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.
However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.
Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?
In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.
It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.
It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The day after...
Driving home yesterday, I had a plethora of blog topics floating through my head. Of course now that I can be in front of a computer- I'm void of all thought.
Well, not all thought, just blog topic thought.
The eldest left for Afghanistan yesterday. Always a downer, but I don't worry- or I try not to.
Test results came back for the good yesterday- not the bad. I didn't realize how much relief I'd feel, even though I thought I prepared myself for the bad news rather well. The instant release of emotion surprised me. It shouldn't, but it did.
I've been writing blogs for years. I was very active in the old yahoo 360 social network, but once that went bye bye, I can't say that I blog anywhere regularly. I like this space here at times because no one from my 'old' social network knows about me here. It's a sense of anonymity that I like. Why I'm not sure. The folks that I 'knew' were all supportive and engaging, but I'm done with that. I just want to spew for me, not for the masses.
I had a conversation with Jefe the other day, and he commented that he found being the subject of a blog a bit odd. I thought about it, and realized that even though I'm not putting specifics out there, identifying him- - recently (obviously) he's in the spotlight- if only by default.
I previously didn't look at it from that perspective. When I was in 360 land, TM was the subject of some of those blogs. He relished the attention. Which then brought back the realization that I was the 'trophy sub'. I was part of an online community, a very active member and without tooting my own horn, a popular one- simply because I was so involved. TM was instantly a part of that inner circle by association. It was his ticket to acceptance. Granted the public never saw the mounds of communication between him and I about things that needed to be fixed. As a matter of fact, it was the beginning of my blogging demise. I'm not one to not be good on the inside and put on a happy face just for the sake of a blog for some public persona.
Then later in another relationship- (too shortly after TM)- I was admonished for writing a blog about getting out of a speeding ticket, being grateful with a warning and receiving some comments asking if I resorted to 'favors' to get out of the ticket. All was meant in good fun, but it was the icing on the cake for the demise of that relationship.
I find it difficult to write at times now. I don't get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did, but I do still enjoy it. It's like I told Jefe, it's like having a thought, but once it goes in a blog it's like telling someone. It makes it real that way, not just in my head.
The end result after some pondering from him was that I keep writing. He's fine with it. He doesn't want the link, he would rather I keep writing for 'me' not with the notion that he might be reading it. *smiles* He 'gets' it.
I think there's a small part of me though that knows he might just read this at some point. I'm not sure I keep it in the forefront of my thought process as my fingers fly across the keys. I guess I'll find out if I ever have a "rant about him' blog. *grins*.
Speaking of which, I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon. That's very unlike him. I hope everything is okay. I don't want to worry, but again this is not par for the course. I will wait it out... like I have any other choice haha.
I'm out of sorts today, maybe some of it is because I haven't had my daily dose of contact. I'm sure that's part of it. If something is wrong though, there is no one who knows how to get in touch with me. I know I'm over reacting, but hey I'm female- it's what we do.
So, I'm going to stop the blog for today, my mind isn't going where I want it to go.
Well, not all thought, just blog topic thought.
The eldest left for Afghanistan yesterday. Always a downer, but I don't worry- or I try not to.
Test results came back for the good yesterday- not the bad. I didn't realize how much relief I'd feel, even though I thought I prepared myself for the bad news rather well. The instant release of emotion surprised me. It shouldn't, but it did.
I've been writing blogs for years. I was very active in the old yahoo 360 social network, but once that went bye bye, I can't say that I blog anywhere regularly. I like this space here at times because no one from my 'old' social network knows about me here. It's a sense of anonymity that I like. Why I'm not sure. The folks that I 'knew' were all supportive and engaging, but I'm done with that. I just want to spew for me, not for the masses.
I had a conversation with Jefe the other day, and he commented that he found being the subject of a blog a bit odd. I thought about it, and realized that even though I'm not putting specifics out there, identifying him- - recently (obviously) he's in the spotlight- if only by default.
I previously didn't look at it from that perspective. When I was in 360 land, TM was the subject of some of those blogs. He relished the attention. Which then brought back the realization that I was the 'trophy sub'. I was part of an online community, a very active member and without tooting my own horn, a popular one- simply because I was so involved. TM was instantly a part of that inner circle by association. It was his ticket to acceptance. Granted the public never saw the mounds of communication between him and I about things that needed to be fixed. As a matter of fact, it was the beginning of my blogging demise. I'm not one to not be good on the inside and put on a happy face just for the sake of a blog for some public persona.
Then later in another relationship- (too shortly after TM)- I was admonished for writing a blog about getting out of a speeding ticket, being grateful with a warning and receiving some comments asking if I resorted to 'favors' to get out of the ticket. All was meant in good fun, but it was the icing on the cake for the demise of that relationship.
I find it difficult to write at times now. I don't get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did, but I do still enjoy it. It's like I told Jefe, it's like having a thought, but once it goes in a blog it's like telling someone. It makes it real that way, not just in my head.
The end result after some pondering from him was that I keep writing. He's fine with it. He doesn't want the link, he would rather I keep writing for 'me' not with the notion that he might be reading it. *smiles* He 'gets' it.
I think there's a small part of me though that knows he might just read this at some point. I'm not sure I keep it in the forefront of my thought process as my fingers fly across the keys. I guess I'll find out if I ever have a "rant about him' blog. *grins*.
Speaking of which, I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon. That's very unlike him. I hope everything is okay. I don't want to worry, but again this is not par for the course. I will wait it out... like I have any other choice haha.
I'm out of sorts today, maybe some of it is because I haven't had my daily dose of contact. I'm sure that's part of it. If something is wrong though, there is no one who knows how to get in touch with me. I know I'm over reacting, but hey I'm female- it's what we do.
So, I'm going to stop the blog for today, my mind isn't going where I want it to go.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Exhale
Well, I still haven't broken down and uttered those three lil words. He's aware that they're coming though. I'm thoughtful like that... *grins*.
We made a huge step this weekend. He came here to the house instead of me going up North. Here... in the house, with the brood. I would have to say we had a great time. He said he enjoyed himself, and I don't think he'd placate me. He wasn't bugging to get out of here early, no sudden 'things I gotta do came up', so methinks all was good from his perspective. Other than the normal zoo-like atmosphere of said domicile. There's always something that needs to be cleaned, fixed, straightened up etc. That's just a part of my life, and I could have done a clean sweep, but there was a part of me that wanted to say, this is me take me as I am, clutter and all.
As this relationship evolves, there are a few things that are becoming self evident. I never before really knew what it meant to please someone. Now I'm not talking "get on your knees and suck my cock" (I think that's part of the dominant's creed haha), but there's a time and place for that, and while it might be a mantra, it should do more than just dictate the direction of a relationship. Crud, forgot where I was going with this.... (quick reread)
Oh, yeah, okay, so what it means to please someone. Inherently I think we all know what it means to please someone, it doesn't have to be in a sexual sense, unless you're a completely selfish person, in general- you like to see those you care about happy. AND sometimes you have a part in making that happiness.
It doesn't matter which side of the d/s fence you're on.
Unless a dominant's goal in life is to never make a submissive happy, to rule by force and threat of punishment (and I know there are dominants like that out there), then in general a happy sub is a good sub, and one who 'wants' to please.
BUT, in my head, there's a fine line between, the phrase "on your knees" because someone is a dominant and that's the 'general edict' they set forth (been there/done that), and hearing those words and having that instant flutter of "yay!! I'm being told to do this, but it doesn't matter because I really, really want to anyway.
NOW, I know what it feels like to want to do that. To relish each moment I spend on my knees, or beside him, or beneath him, or on top of him... yeah you get the picture *grins* Yeah, even when I'm gagging and choking, and feeling completely inadequate in that department- - I am loving every minute of it.
He pushed a couple of limits this weekend, and it was an eye opening experience for me. I never ever would have imagined myself in either situation and complying with said request. In one case there was no hesitation. In the other, there was some. I was reminded that I can safe word, and I did think about it. In the end though, I complied. It was the only thing that would make me happy, and all because that's what he wanted me to do.
Now I say this with some past experience. I NEVER, and I do say that with capital letters and emphatically, would have engaged in such activities with previous relationships. All two of them. Why? I've asked myself since Friday...
The connection wasn't there. Even TM, the man I was collared to. I realize now, he doesn't know the meaning of it. It's what you're supposed to do in a BDSM relationship. You find someone and you collar them. I didn't know any better, so I went along for the ride. There was nothing 'earned' on my part. I did all the prerequisite introductory things, and poof, there it was. Now, there was an emotional relationship prior to that, months and months of one, but yeah, in retrospect... well and in present, it hasn't happened since.
Wearing something for playtime is one thing, I did that in one relationship. It made sense for that particular play, but I didn't like that either, because it wasn't 'mine'. Others had worn it for the same reason I wore it, and well... I just like to be the princess and feel it's mine. I'm entitled to those feelings, even if it's just in my head.
Anyway, I'm getting myself lost. Oh yes, so previously, I would have come up with every excuse in the book, probably gotten mad at the suggestion, more than likely even become indignant about the whole thing so it would be dropped.
But I didn't this time, he asked why I was hesitating, I explained, and that's when I was reminded of the option to safe word. He completely put the decision back on me, and I know he would have respected the use thereof, there's never a question of that, but it didn't feel right to me. Using the word would have been a cop out. I was not in any danger, technically not breaking any laws, so it was just me that I was fighting.
I did what felt right, I followed his direction and the second I decided to do so knew I made the right one. I was content and safe again. The safe meaning I felt back under the p/e umbrella.
I never looked at it like an umbrella before, but that's exactly what it is. The size is relative because it expands as the trust grows, but he's holding the handle and I can choose to stay covered, or brave the elements (figuratively). Choosing to either step or remain underneath is becoming so natural it's hard to fathom.
We had a great talk last night about the relationship, the intensity, the ebb/flow of the dynamic and how whatever it is, just works right. He is him, I am me... there's no alternate persona that takes over and says 'do this'.
I think that's where I was going earlier. I'm too lazy to scroll up and check so I'll just keep rolling with it.
I've labeled myself as a 'bedroom only' submissive. Mainly for the fact that once outside the bedroom, previous relationships have left me void of any feeling of p/e. Hence the reasons why I would have balked at the limit pushing above.
It's all about the emotional component. Anyone can profess feelings. I think for awhile you can even delude yourself into believing you actually feel those feelings (talking L word people and I don't mean Lesbians). I've learned the hard way that once you commit to admission of said emotion, in both cases it was a response not an initiation btw. Then it's a bargaining tool. "You would if you loved me" type of thing. Yes, this is within the last 5 years, not as a teenager and both men were older than I, and should have known better. However, as I sit here and write this, I realize it has nothing to do with knowing better, it has everything to do with manipulation and emotional guilt.
So I sit here and wrangle with the words I just wrote. It's almost that I'm trying to 'recover' from the notion that love is a bad emotion, or equates with manipulation or guilt. That's not what I'm trying to imply. What I mean is that if it's used before it should be, or responded to in kind when it shouldn't... it makes for bad juju.
I'm not going to make that mistake this time. Well I haven't, so I'm already one step ahead of the past failures in my life.
I know that Jefe would not do the emotional blackmail. He's not the type, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove about his dominance over me, or his manhood in general. He's confident in who he is.
It's that inherent confidence, and the natural way he exudes control that keeps me balanced and confident in how I serve him. Yes, even when choking and gagging, he's always there with kind words of encouragement.
I know that the possibilities for me to learn and grow into deeper service to him are not on the horizon, it's in there here and now. It happens every time we're together, there's always some nuance, and it doesn't always have to be physical that just draws me closer and makes me want to do more to please him.
It's the most wonderful place to be... enlightened as to how I 'knew' it could and should be, and be living it.
We made a huge step this weekend. He came here to the house instead of me going up North. Here... in the house, with the brood. I would have to say we had a great time. He said he enjoyed himself, and I don't think he'd placate me. He wasn't bugging to get out of here early, no sudden 'things I gotta do came up', so methinks all was good from his perspective. Other than the normal zoo-like atmosphere of said domicile. There's always something that needs to be cleaned, fixed, straightened up etc. That's just a part of my life, and I could have done a clean sweep, but there was a part of me that wanted to say, this is me take me as I am, clutter and all.
As this relationship evolves, there are a few things that are becoming self evident. I never before really knew what it meant to please someone. Now I'm not talking "get on your knees and suck my cock" (I think that's part of the dominant's creed haha), but there's a time and place for that, and while it might be a mantra, it should do more than just dictate the direction of a relationship. Crud, forgot where I was going with this.... (quick reread)
Oh, yeah, okay, so what it means to please someone. Inherently I think we all know what it means to please someone, it doesn't have to be in a sexual sense, unless you're a completely selfish person, in general- you like to see those you care about happy. AND sometimes you have a part in making that happiness.
It doesn't matter which side of the d/s fence you're on.
Unless a dominant's goal in life is to never make a submissive happy, to rule by force and threat of punishment (and I know there are dominants like that out there), then in general a happy sub is a good sub, and one who 'wants' to please.
BUT, in my head, there's a fine line between, the phrase "on your knees" because someone is a dominant and that's the 'general edict' they set forth (been there/done that), and hearing those words and having that instant flutter of "yay!! I'm being told to do this, but it doesn't matter because I really, really want to anyway.
NOW, I know what it feels like to want to do that. To relish each moment I spend on my knees, or beside him, or beneath him, or on top of him... yeah you get the picture *grins* Yeah, even when I'm gagging and choking, and feeling completely inadequate in that department- - I am loving every minute of it.
He pushed a couple of limits this weekend, and it was an eye opening experience for me. I never ever would have imagined myself in either situation and complying with said request. In one case there was no hesitation. In the other, there was some. I was reminded that I can safe word, and I did think about it. In the end though, I complied. It was the only thing that would make me happy, and all because that's what he wanted me to do.
Now I say this with some past experience. I NEVER, and I do say that with capital letters and emphatically, would have engaged in such activities with previous relationships. All two of them. Why? I've asked myself since Friday...
The connection wasn't there. Even TM, the man I was collared to. I realize now, he doesn't know the meaning of it. It's what you're supposed to do in a BDSM relationship. You find someone and you collar them. I didn't know any better, so I went along for the ride. There was nothing 'earned' on my part. I did all the prerequisite introductory things, and poof, there it was. Now, there was an emotional relationship prior to that, months and months of one, but yeah, in retrospect... well and in present, it hasn't happened since.
Wearing something for playtime is one thing, I did that in one relationship. It made sense for that particular play, but I didn't like that either, because it wasn't 'mine'. Others had worn it for the same reason I wore it, and well... I just like to be the princess and feel it's mine. I'm entitled to those feelings, even if it's just in my head.
Anyway, I'm getting myself lost. Oh yes, so previously, I would have come up with every excuse in the book, probably gotten mad at the suggestion, more than likely even become indignant about the whole thing so it would be dropped.
But I didn't this time, he asked why I was hesitating, I explained, and that's when I was reminded of the option to safe word. He completely put the decision back on me, and I know he would have respected the use thereof, there's never a question of that, but it didn't feel right to me. Using the word would have been a cop out. I was not in any danger, technically not breaking any laws, so it was just me that I was fighting.
I did what felt right, I followed his direction and the second I decided to do so knew I made the right one. I was content and safe again. The safe meaning I felt back under the p/e umbrella.
I never looked at it like an umbrella before, but that's exactly what it is. The size is relative because it expands as the trust grows, but he's holding the handle and I can choose to stay covered, or brave the elements (figuratively). Choosing to either step or remain underneath is becoming so natural it's hard to fathom.
We had a great talk last night about the relationship, the intensity, the ebb/flow of the dynamic and how whatever it is, just works right. He is him, I am me... there's no alternate persona that takes over and says 'do this'.
I think that's where I was going earlier. I'm too lazy to scroll up and check so I'll just keep rolling with it.
I've labeled myself as a 'bedroom only' submissive. Mainly for the fact that once outside the bedroom, previous relationships have left me void of any feeling of p/e. Hence the reasons why I would have balked at the limit pushing above.
It's all about the emotional component. Anyone can profess feelings. I think for awhile you can even delude yourself into believing you actually feel those feelings (talking L word people and I don't mean Lesbians). I've learned the hard way that once you commit to admission of said emotion, in both cases it was a response not an initiation btw. Then it's a bargaining tool. "You would if you loved me" type of thing. Yes, this is within the last 5 years, not as a teenager and both men were older than I, and should have known better. However, as I sit here and write this, I realize it has nothing to do with knowing better, it has everything to do with manipulation and emotional guilt.
So I sit here and wrangle with the words I just wrote. It's almost that I'm trying to 'recover' from the notion that love is a bad emotion, or equates with manipulation or guilt. That's not what I'm trying to imply. What I mean is that if it's used before it should be, or responded to in kind when it shouldn't... it makes for bad juju.
I'm not going to make that mistake this time. Well I haven't, so I'm already one step ahead of the past failures in my life.
I know that Jefe would not do the emotional blackmail. He's not the type, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove about his dominance over me, or his manhood in general. He's confident in who he is.
It's that inherent confidence, and the natural way he exudes control that keeps me balanced and confident in how I serve him. Yes, even when choking and gagging, he's always there with kind words of encouragement.
I know that the possibilities for me to learn and grow into deeper service to him are not on the horizon, it's in there here and now. It happens every time we're together, there's always some nuance, and it doesn't always have to be physical that just draws me closer and makes me want to do more to please him.
It's the most wonderful place to be... enlightened as to how I 'knew' it could and should be, and be living it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Coming to terms
I'm in... lock stock and barrel as they say. I'm madly in love with the man, but have been too chicken to tell him. It's one of those things I think he knows, but hasn't let on that he knows. If there is such a thing.
It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.
I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.
Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .
It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.
I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.
I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.
I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.
We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.
I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.
It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.
I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.
Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .
It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.
I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.
I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.
I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.
We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.
I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Ships, anchors, and saiing adrift
I probably shouldn't be writing this blog because I just had 36 uninterrupted hours alone with el jefe. I'm highly emotional today, crashing hard, and recovering from being wrecked in the best possible way.
It was an emotional time, in a plethora of ways- some wicked, some not. The some not is what keeps sending me over the edge today.
There were many unanswered questions in my last blog post. It was the first 'substantial' amount of time I had been able to spend with el Jefe. Since then I've traveled up to his place twice, without having to cut the visits short. This past weekend, I stayed two nights instead of the originally planned one.
We had a discussion about the frequency of our visits. He's frustrated, he wants more time together. So do I, logistically it's about as close to impossible as the two of us can get. Work keeps us apart during the week, and I have the kids so we can't do every single weekend. But in the last 5 weeks I've managed 3 visits, not a bad effort if I say so myself. However, I'd be a fool to think that we'll be able to sustain this good fortune.
Jefe doesn't see it as good fortune, or at least not as much as I do. He wants a partner, not a part time partner. I want more as well, I really do. I think I'm just more content to take things one day at a time, rather than look at the long term.
Wait that isn't entirely accurate, I am looking at the long term. I'm just not focusing on time together- long term is good as long as he's in it. I don't care how much time is involved. I think I'd be safe in saying I'll take whatever part of him I can get.
This is a complete turn around for me. I am the one who wants to escape, not give anyone my time. With Jefe, if I could give him every spare second I would. That concept scares the hell out of me. I count ages and determine at what stage I can do this... then this... until finally this.
Then I reason that let's say we lived closer, frequency would not necessarily give us quality. When we have time now, it's at least a day, maybe two to 2/5. Can't see the same quality in a 3 hr 'date', even if it did happen weekly. At least not compared to what we have now. I've had those relationships... get together 1 x week, sometimes 2 it didn't amount to much in quality. But quality is all in what you make of it.
The options
Quit now before more time goes on and then the potential for hurt is greater
Keep rolling and don't make a decision now.
We started the weekend with that conversation. I made my opinion very clear, he made his decision. I told him he needed to be sure of his decision. He's not 100%, but he agreed with me that what we have is too special for the both of us to quit now. I told him I can identify with his uncertainty, but moving forward we both need to be committed to it. I can't be the only one fighting for this.
Yes, I'm fighting for this. I've spoken to many who call themselves dominants, dated a few, had relationships (short or long term) with a couple others, none (some may be reading this who knows) and I mean none of them can hold a candle to this man. I am not blindly besotted either. Hell, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when we first started talking, neither was he for that matter. We get a chuckle out of that now.
It's not because he brings me places I've never been, both physically and mentally. It's not only those things, but it's part of those things. It's the connection we share that allows those things to happen. There's a level of intimacy that's gripped us both by the short hairs.
When I'm away from him a part of me is missing. That is an incredible feeling for me, previously I could have cared less quite frankly. Couldn't wait to get home, or back on a plane, or for him to leave. It's amazing how we trick our minds into thinking something is good because it satisfies a portion of what we're looking for.
I wrote in another blog awhile back that I go into relationships knowing there is an end somewhere. I don't believe it to be a self fulfilling prophesy, I think that I just knew that those people came into my life for a reason, and longevity wasn't it. There are lessons to be learned from our relationships with others in all contexts. I defined it as being a realist, and now I'm petrified that I might eat my own words.
I needed to learn what those d/s liaison's had to offer so I would be ready and recognize what I have before me.
Just like with any couple, what makes this work for us is what makes us unique. What we defined as our parameters as individuals have been met as a couple, except for this distance and time.
I know couples that have met online and have endured for months and years before they've ever met in person, some have yet to meet and it will be years before they can. But both parties in those relationships are 100% sure that it's worth any amount of time until they can be together. They are content with webcams, emails, instant messenger, and text messages to carry on their relationship, such that it is- - until that day comes.
We have 14-21 days of absence on average (well can't count the last 5 weeks because we haven't set up the actual cadence yet) surely that counts for something. It's more than many have, yet not as much as others.
If he's not 100% sure he can cope with limited time together,
Am I fighting a losing battle?
I'm afraid.... I am. I'm not used to being afraid. I'm petrified that I'll be left broken. On the ride home today, I kept my chin up, told myself I'll deal with the situation when it happens. The thing is, I'm already raw to the core. He's gotten so far inside my head- and we've only skimmed the surface of what we're capable of attaining together as a couple.
I'm not in control of this ship, my destiny is in his hands.
It was an emotional time, in a plethora of ways- some wicked, some not. The some not is what keeps sending me over the edge today.
There were many unanswered questions in my last blog post. It was the first 'substantial' amount of time I had been able to spend with el Jefe. Since then I've traveled up to his place twice, without having to cut the visits short. This past weekend, I stayed two nights instead of the originally planned one.
We had a discussion about the frequency of our visits. He's frustrated, he wants more time together. So do I, logistically it's about as close to impossible as the two of us can get. Work keeps us apart during the week, and I have the kids so we can't do every single weekend. But in the last 5 weeks I've managed 3 visits, not a bad effort if I say so myself. However, I'd be a fool to think that we'll be able to sustain this good fortune.
Jefe doesn't see it as good fortune, or at least not as much as I do. He wants a partner, not a part time partner. I want more as well, I really do. I think I'm just more content to take things one day at a time, rather than look at the long term.
Wait that isn't entirely accurate, I am looking at the long term. I'm just not focusing on time together- long term is good as long as he's in it. I don't care how much time is involved. I think I'd be safe in saying I'll take whatever part of him I can get.
This is a complete turn around for me. I am the one who wants to escape, not give anyone my time. With Jefe, if I could give him every spare second I would. That concept scares the hell out of me. I count ages and determine at what stage I can do this... then this... until finally this.
Then I reason that let's say we lived closer, frequency would not necessarily give us quality. When we have time now, it's at least a day, maybe two to 2/5. Can't see the same quality in a 3 hr 'date', even if it did happen weekly. At least not compared to what we have now. I've had those relationships... get together 1 x week, sometimes 2 it didn't amount to much in quality. But quality is all in what you make of it.
The options
Quit now before more time goes on and then the potential for hurt is greater
Keep rolling and don't make a decision now.
We started the weekend with that conversation. I made my opinion very clear, he made his decision. I told him he needed to be sure of his decision. He's not 100%, but he agreed with me that what we have is too special for the both of us to quit now. I told him I can identify with his uncertainty, but moving forward we both need to be committed to it. I can't be the only one fighting for this.
Yes, I'm fighting for this. I've spoken to many who call themselves dominants, dated a few, had relationships (short or long term) with a couple others, none (some may be reading this who knows) and I mean none of them can hold a candle to this man. I am not blindly besotted either. Hell, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when we first started talking, neither was he for that matter. We get a chuckle out of that now.
It's not because he brings me places I've never been, both physically and mentally. It's not only those things, but it's part of those things. It's the connection we share that allows those things to happen. There's a level of intimacy that's gripped us both by the short hairs.
When I'm away from him a part of me is missing. That is an incredible feeling for me, previously I could have cared less quite frankly. Couldn't wait to get home, or back on a plane, or for him to leave. It's amazing how we trick our minds into thinking something is good because it satisfies a portion of what we're looking for.
I wrote in another blog awhile back that I go into relationships knowing there is an end somewhere. I don't believe it to be a self fulfilling prophesy, I think that I just knew that those people came into my life for a reason, and longevity wasn't it. There are lessons to be learned from our relationships with others in all contexts. I defined it as being a realist, and now I'm petrified that I might eat my own words.
I needed to learn what those d/s liaison's had to offer so I would be ready and recognize what I have before me.
Just like with any couple, what makes this work for us is what makes us unique. What we defined as our parameters as individuals have been met as a couple, except for this distance and time.
I know couples that have met online and have endured for months and years before they've ever met in person, some have yet to meet and it will be years before they can. But both parties in those relationships are 100% sure that it's worth any amount of time until they can be together. They are content with webcams, emails, instant messenger, and text messages to carry on their relationship, such that it is- - until that day comes.
We have 14-21 days of absence on average (well can't count the last 5 weeks because we haven't set up the actual cadence yet) surely that counts for something. It's more than many have, yet not as much as others.
If he's not 100% sure he can cope with limited time together,
Am I fighting a losing battle?
I'm afraid.... I am. I'm not used to being afraid. I'm petrified that I'll be left broken. On the ride home today, I kept my chin up, told myself I'll deal with the situation when it happens. The thing is, I'm already raw to the core. He's gotten so far inside my head- and we've only skimmed the surface of what we're capable of attaining together as a couple.
I'm not in control of this ship, my destiny is in his hands.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Flip the coin
It's amazing what a single day makes. I slept like crap last night, tossed and turned, and spent some time online at 3 am. I was glad I had work today, to take my mind off of my mopey thoughts. Communication was better today, albeit not spectacular, but typical. The last two days were somewhat typical as well. I was just highly negatively charged.
I'm still wary of peeling back any more layers until we've had a chance for a 'good' conversation. I brought up some things that he needs to ponder on, so the ball is in his court.
The fact remains that he has me captured, whether I want to admit it to myself or not. I just have to take my own feelings slowly. I'm not talking professing my love or something that drastic. God forbid, those words don't fly easily off these lips. But there is a sense of belonging that he has found.
He is and has found a way into my mind. Something I didn't think could happen to me again, but this time it feels and is different. We've already met, have seen each other a few times as a matter of fact. Couple that with virtual communication and hell that's like a year in online only time. It's different in that it's not a full complete exposure either, having only online and phone communication with someone leads to a deeper depth of exposure sure, because words are the only thing you have. However, when you have both the physical intimacy (as in being able to actually touch the person) all that sharing takes on a new meaning. On paper you can say whatever you want to coax a response from another person, but taking those words and having the opportunity to put them to practice... yeah THAT's what I'm talkin' about.
There's letting someone into your mind in the virtual realm. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that has it's place. I don't disregard the depth of emotion that one feels in an online only relationship. You can crave just as deep as the next person. It's no substitute for being able to touch, explore, taste, smell the other person in your life.
It's one thing to look at words and see into a person's soul, it's quite another to reach out hand hold it in your hand.
I'm still wary of peeling back any more layers until we've had a chance for a 'good' conversation. I brought up some things that he needs to ponder on, so the ball is in his court.
The fact remains that he has me captured, whether I want to admit it to myself or not. I just have to take my own feelings slowly. I'm not talking professing my love or something that drastic. God forbid, those words don't fly easily off these lips. But there is a sense of belonging that he has found.
He is and has found a way into my mind. Something I didn't think could happen to me again, but this time it feels and is different. We've already met, have seen each other a few times as a matter of fact. Couple that with virtual communication and hell that's like a year in online only time. It's different in that it's not a full complete exposure either, having only online and phone communication with someone leads to a deeper depth of exposure sure, because words are the only thing you have. However, when you have both the physical intimacy (as in being able to actually touch the person) all that sharing takes on a new meaning. On paper you can say whatever you want to coax a response from another person, but taking those words and having the opportunity to put them to practice... yeah THAT's what I'm talkin' about.
There's letting someone into your mind in the virtual realm. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that has it's place. I don't disregard the depth of emotion that one feels in an online only relationship. You can crave just as deep as the next person. It's no substitute for being able to touch, explore, taste, smell the other person in your life.
It's one thing to look at words and see into a person's soul, it's quite another to reach out hand hold it in your hand.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Moping in my mind
Yesterday sucked. Those who don't live with the dominant person in their life know exactly what I'm talking about. The day-after separation just sucks. It manifests in depression, anxiety, sadness, sometimes manic responses to what seems like everything. Not having a good distraction doesn't help any either.
Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.
During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.
Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.
My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.
Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.
Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?
I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.
I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.
I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.
Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.
During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.
Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.
My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.
Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.
Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?
I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.
I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.
I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
New Dawn
I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.
By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.
Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.
I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.
It was an eye opening experience.
So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.
Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.
Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.
I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.
let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.
The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.
So this guy...
I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.
When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.
We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.
We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.
Or am I?
I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?
Oh, my God.
I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.
A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.
I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.
What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.
He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.
I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.
By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.
Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.
I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.
It was an eye opening experience.
So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.
Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.
Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.
I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.
let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.
The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.
So this guy...
I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.
When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.
We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.
We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.
Or am I?
I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?
Oh, my God.
I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.
A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.
I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.
What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.
He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.
I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Three hours
I don't have a title for this blog post yet, because I'm not sure what I am going to say yet. I'm back home from the business trip and it was by no stretch, a great success. The customer meetings and the demo's went off without a hitch. Impressed the bossman in the process, so all is good.
Got a chance to chat with the sexy voice on the phone last night while at the hotel. I have to say it was nice to have an uninterrupted phone call that started before 9 pm (damned kids). It was yet another wonderful conversation, sharing of thoughts, bantering of ideas, recognizing more potential.
It will be one week.... only 1 more week. Absolutely, positively can't wait. I feel good, positive, enlightened, affirmed, energetic (well maybe not at this particular moment, but y'all know what I mean)... I have to work during the evening we're going to meet for coffee, I will be forever looking at my watch for those three hours I can tell you that!! Will be one of the longest three hour stretches I've had I'm sure!
I think I'm going to go see what the spawns made for dinner the last couple of days....
Got a chance to chat with the sexy voice on the phone last night while at the hotel. I have to say it was nice to have an uninterrupted phone call that started before 9 pm (damned kids). It was yet another wonderful conversation, sharing of thoughts, bantering of ideas, recognizing more potential.
It will be one week.... only 1 more week. Absolutely, positively can't wait. I feel good, positive, enlightened, affirmed, energetic (well maybe not at this particular moment, but y'all know what I mean)... I have to work during the evening we're going to meet for coffee, I will be forever looking at my watch for those three hours I can tell you that!! Will be one of the longest three hour stretches I've had I'm sure!
I think I'm going to go see what the spawns made for dinner the last couple of days....
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Absence makes the heart grow wiser
I was chatting with a very good friend yesterday about blogging, and where to blog and considering the subject matter (d/s related), I thought this forum was the best venue. Which of course brought me to my own blog here (thank God for stored passwords), and well I can't believe it's been a year.
It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.
During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.
Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.
I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.
Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.
The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.
I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.
Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.
But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.
How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.
Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.
I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.
All I had to do was turn the key....
Was it worth the risk?
I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.
It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.
During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.
Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.
I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.
Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.
The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.
I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.
Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.
But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.
How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.
Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.
I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.
All I had to do was turn the key....
Was it worth the risk?
I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.
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