Strictly Emotional

Today is one of those days where just about anything can set me off.  Yes, I think PMS has much to do with it. I can cry at the drop of a pin, and go from zero to bitch in seconds.  There's no rhyme or reason.

Diving into thoughts of my relationship is one of those things that while it will bring me to tears, it soothes at the same time.  I am very overwhelmed today at the depths of my feelings. The cup bubbleth over so to speak.  It's the teary thing.
I didn't think I was capable of such deep love.

I know one person who will tell you otherwise, but he doesn't count we share a brain (figuratively). He'll tell you he knew I was capable, it just had to be born in the hands of the right person.
Okay I'm guessing that's what he'd say.

The clock is ticking. There is much to be done.

I have a HUGE question to ask him...

I honestly don't know what he's going to say.

a lot of 6's

it will be six weeks six days and six hours (give or take) until I will be able to taste my Master's lips again. It's been only a few days since he left on his last trip. So much to do before I and the kids arrive. A new kitchen,  upper deck, master bedroom... as well as the power grid and water lines.

It's so very difficult to cope with.  Communication is very limited- - email only, and that's even spotty. Going from having him accessible 24/7 to basically not at all- - to put it bluntly- - sucks.  I told myself it would be easier this time around, but it's not.

It's harder.

I think when he was gone before- I was somewhat "clouded" last time, for lack of a better term.  I told myself for weeks that it was nothing I couldn't handle.  I was more positive about coping.  This time around, I know what to expect, I know from day one how the longing doesn't ebb, the loneliness can't be quelled, distractions are temporary, and the lack of serving takes its toll.

I struggle not pull further and further away.  Guarding myself against the loneliness and feeling alienated.  In some ways even though the circumstance is unavoidable, I still feel angry with him, abandoned to a certain degree.  Completely unfounded.  Everything he's doing, he's doing for us.  not him, not me, but us.

For our future together.

All of this is known to me, but I still have the feelings of loss. Natural, I know, not fair to him.  Putting on a happy face for him so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that every day I freaking hate it. That it's a struggle just to get up and function, let alone go through each day without hearing his voice or feeling his touch.
Six weeks and six days... I can do this...

Realizations

I can't be reliant on someone... no.... not me.  I can do this...
all.
on.
my.
own.

Yeah, in theory anyway.  History proves this as well.

However...

There's a big difference after you go 24/7 in an M/s relationship. I didn't think there would be, never even gave it a second thought.

Now before you start rolling your eyes and calling me an idjet. I knew there would be changes.  There always is when you start cohabitating with someone.

I'm not talking about those changes.

I'm talking about the subtle slide that accompanies an M/s relationship.  The dependency that's created.  I wasn't expecting it to happen so fast or so strong. That alone tells me, from experience, this power exchange is on the right track.

The Master is away for two more weeks.  Yesterday I had myself a great big pity party (complete with noisemakers and confetti). I don't know that I'm completely over it today, but it's better- the clean-up is a bitch though.  I keep chastising myself at my inability to cope with this, which on some level is helping me from caving into myself. I rationalize from sun rise to sun set.  It's keeping me sane anyway.

At least I think it is.  I know I need to change the mindset. Easier said than done.

Going through the motions.
Day by day.
I'll make it through.
Until the next time.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Spin dry.

Evolution of 'me"

Every now and then I stop and take a look in the mirror.  Once I get past the fact that gravity is indeed a bitch, I stop and ask myself if I am happy with myself.

Now I'm not talking superficial shit.  I take stock in me.  Would I want to be friends with me?  I'm not sure too recently.  Now that my relationship has moved to the next level, I don't connect with friends nearly as often as I did before.  I almost typed as I'd want to, but that statement isn't entirely accurate.  Because I have with me every night, the man, who I've dreamed about falling asleep next to on a daily basis for the last two years.  So my evenings are pretty much otherwise engaged.  I am not online much if at all in the evenings.  When I am, I am sure to catch up, but I feel like I'm short changing one or the other.  If I'm yapping with Jay then I'm not paying attention to the Master (not that he's requiring I pay attention).  It's just divided time. Plus when I start yapping with Jay, neither one of us leaves until the other is ready to pass out.  That's just the way that it is, and I like it that way don'tcha know.

I know when there are new relationships old relationships change, that's just the way that it is as well.  I'm both a recipient and deliverer of said changes.  I don't hang out with the bff near as much now that her family dynamic has changed.  I don't want to intrude on their time.  I'm okay with that, really I am.  But it's a casual drifting away from each other as well.  I feel like if I am not the one pushing for contact we'd just end up casual neighbors.  Which is sad to me, but not unexpected either.  Her man is intimidated by mine, and mine doesn't have much use for people who aren't always on the up and up.

Our lives are moving in entirely different directions.  I'm moving forward and looking toward kids growing and leaving, moving out of here, and retiring, whereas she's building a family all over again.  New beginnings for her, but different beginnings.  A year ago we were planning camping trips together, now she'll be tied down again and broke.

That's okay too....

Is it selfish of me to want to move away from that?  I don't want to be bogged down in the day to day life and times of baby raising.  I am past the half way marker and I'm not turning back. (I will not talk about the grandmother thing, but I won't be raising that generation (God willing)).  There was a time when I would have gone all "gaga" over her babies, and wanted to know each and every detail, but while I am interested, I don't really care all that much.

I am finding myself reading blogs I used to read with interest- now calling bullshit or rolling my eyes at the farce in which they claim to be submissive in their relationships. One is a manipulating bitch who does nothing except top from the bottom, and he obviously is no better because he allows it.  The other is clueless about what a dominant really is, but calls her flop of a man Master.

I am at a low tolerance threshold again.  Not that my way is the only way, but I get so tired of these hypocrite cry babies whining and the idiots who do nothing but pacify them.  No, I will not comment, I won't create a puppet account and rail on their asses either.  So I withdraw a bit further and crawl into the dynamic that works so well for me.  Which I suppose someone else could look at and say I'm doing it all wrong.

There is no right or wrong answer.

While everything is going so very right in my house, I am trying not to feel superior.  Truly I am not. I don't have to entertain what doesn't work for me. I have reached that point in my life where I don't have to engage in that to which I have no interest simply for the sake of pleasantries.

Would I want to be friends with me right now?

Nope.

That's okay. Different places, different spaces.

I understand me and know I don't have time, or want to make the time, so I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I'm good with that.

So the list of those in the inner sanctum grows smaller still.  I'm good with that.  Weeding. It's good for the soul.

I'm sorry if I haven't been as good a friend as I should be to those that really matter.

A month... well almost

Well the day we were gearing up for arrived.  I think I'm still a little numb from the realization.  Unfortunately the timing was not as stellar as we'd hoped it would be. In some ways, though that's a good thing.  No false sense of smooth sailing before the shit hits the fan.  Like it always does with teens and preteens.

And the kids are living up to expectations... the pain in the ass expectation that is.  There was quite a change to the household before Jefe got here and the dust was settling from that episode and poof my support was suddenly here as well.

I wasn't floundering by myself.

Yesterday I read this thing on the web about this father who sent his kids a letter of disappointment.  I feel for him, I really do.  I've bent over backward to maintain a stable home, a solid environment, make sure they have what they need, plus a bit more- quite a bit more actually.  All on my own.  I've had no help from any area, and I think I've done quite well.

I also realized not too long ago, how tired I am.  It's been eight years of pulling the entire weight of the household on my own.  Shouldering everything, making excuses, turning a blind eye, placating, being placated.  All that has changed.  I'm seeing my children as over indulged spoiled things.  They are not brats in some sense of the word, but their behavior is definitely something that needs to be changed.

So I've taken a new attitude, and it just happens to coincide with Jefe being here, so he is right there to bolster my resolve.  Privileges are being stripped, electronics are going bye bye, social lives will be a thing of the past.  "I" will be listened to and listened to properly.  No more wearing mom down... I'm not doing this on my own anymore.  I am stronger than I ever have been, and I've been strong.

It has been an eye opening experience to see my underlings for what they are and have been doing.  Time to go back to the olden days where you want something not only will you have to earn the privilege, but maintain the right to the privilege.

I will not have happy children in this house tonight.  I am not happy about this.  I am not smug.  I am heartbroken actually.  There's a part of me that loved spoiling them.  Making sure they were in the right fashion, had the good phones, the right video games.  It's just "me" doing all of this, and I viewed it as my own version of keeping up with the Jones'.  I was not going to be the "single mom".

I thought the children were thankful for what they had.  No, I've just come to learn that they feel entitled.  Just like every other kid out there in today's society.

understanding

Jefe had a talk with one of his best friends.  This friend couldn't understand our power exchange dynamic.  He just sees it as I'm a doormat who's told what to do and I do it.  Back to the 1950's household (which I really don't have anything bad to say about that dynamic). There's a deeper understanding though, one that can't be explained to someone who doesn't want to see past their own perception.

Giving him the reins doesn't mean I don't have a voice or an opinion.  It doesn't mean that I don't offer my advice and counsel to him.  It means that he takes all that information under advisement and makes his decision. I'm totally good with that.

I think a male who is not dominant by nature cannot understand that.  I think this friend is more in that category.  He's a very nice man, I don't see him as a dominant male though.  Highly intelligent, yes, friendly, confident- dominant- no.

I can see his wife as being more of the dominant role, mainly because she's taking care of house and family making those decisions on a day to day basis- and that's something he's fine with.  I wonder though how he would feel if he laid down the law about any particular decision- if then would he understand how this dynamic works.

It was difficult for Master to realize that there was nothing he could say to this man that could make him understand how it works.  I've had that conversation with a good friend before, and I've heard rumblings now that she wishes her new husband was more dominant.  She's starting to "get" it.

Sometimes people don't know what they don't know.  Education and awareness and a willingness to look within and comprehend is all it takes. Sometimes too, it's a tough pill to swallow when you're a man and realize you aren't the dominant one, and your best friend is- in all aspects.

Staying afloat

it was a partially rough weekend.  Plans don't always work the way you want them to at the time.

But somehow a greater good comes of it.

Such was the case this past weekend.

Real thing

I find myself opening up more to Jefe. Not only mentally- revealing more and more of what's inside and makes me tick on any given subject. It's revealing the more intricate details, the household dynamics, the ups and downs. Finances, financial decisions.  It's becoming more natural for me to ask before I spend money on not usual purchases. Getting ready to combine households is feeling more and more comfortable.

I can't wait, I talk about being impatient, and I am to a certain extent, because I can't wait to fall asleep next to him every night and not count the hours until one of us is leaving.  But I'm very calm about it as well.  We are not going into this with blinders on, we know it's going to be tough.  A huge adjustment for not just him and I, but the brood as well.  They've pretty much known only me in their lives.  Now there will be a second authority figure.

I was chatting with my mom the other night, and we both spoke of how it took all those years of both floundering with other relationships and being out on my own; to be ready for the real thing.  And that's what this is, the real thing.

I've been through enough relationships, both "vanilla" and bdsm related to not only realize but "know" what I have is beyond expectation.  I also know that this is not a one sided assumption.  He's expressed it as well. There have been three times in my life where I "knew" upon first sight that the person in question would have a profound impact on my life.  The first one was the one that got away... I've never forgotten him or wondered what goodness we would have been together.  The second was the second failed marriage attempt.  He wasn't a positive impact by any stretch, he was a bastard, but I have three wonderful children and a wealth of inner strength and knowledge because of him. The third and last was Jefe.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on him. The profound energy, the instant recognition of "my life will never be the same" the second our eyes met.  I took in the entire picture and just "knew".  Now I'm not calling it love at first sight.  Lust? Fuck yeah! I still lust after the man, that lust continues to grow and deepen.

We had a discussion very very early on.  One day he took me out in the truck and we parked and talked about the physical distance.  I told him that day that I believed we had something too special to not see it through.  Even though we may find it a bigger heartbreak in the future should things fall apart because of the distance.

He agreed and we agreed to continue on.  That was over a year and a half ago.

Neither one of us expected to find what we have found. Neither one of us expected to find the type of power exchange relationship that felt true to ourselves and who we truly wanted to be.  It was a pipe dream.

Through all of the ups and downs, coping with two households that are not too far, but definitely not close enough- we're taking that next step.  Recognizing that what is between us, the mundane and the kink are so well matched, it's worth the sacrifice for one of us to move.

So I'm strangely calm about the whole moving in together....

At least today I am.

Coming to grips

I had a long talk with Jefe today. Earlier this morning he asked if I was coming up, but I told him no, I was being fiscally conservative.  Gas for two weekends in a row would be a tremendous amount of money for my gas hog.  a HUGE amount.

So we had a delicious phone sex session, but both agreed that it fucking sucks, and we're tired of it.

So an hour later, I took my fiscal conservativeness and tossed it out the window. Called him and said I was coming up, had a few things to do, but hoped to be on the road within the hour.

Got my few things done, tossed some stuff in a bag and was ten minutes late out the door.  Just as I started the truck the phone rang.  It was Master, of course, he was reconsidering the impromptu visit. Agreed with my initial fiscal frugality (something rare for me).

So this blog isn't me whining that I'm not seeing him this weekend, although I could turn it into that easily. I told him I was past my threshold to touch him.

No this blog is about him opening up the door even more.

I got a glimpse inside during our hour long discussion about the back and forth of making the trek.

I listened to his words carefully.

I heard the reconciliation in his voice. He's going places emotionally he swore he would never do again.

He verbalized the trust he has in me, in us. Which I already know, but sometimes hearing it...

Especially during a discussion.

Not pillow talk.

During a frank, deep discussion.

Admitting the things he's trying to figure out, work out internally, rationalize.

He never thought he'd be here again.

Here he is.

Here I am.

Coming to grips with it all.

It's the best place to be.  Being somewhere you never thought you'd be, and knowing it's better than you ever thought it would.

Everything

I had a five day weekend with Jefe this past weekend.  Lord knows it wasn't enough. No phones, no kids, no bills, no chores, no horns, no music... we were backpacking in the wilderness- - he brought me deep into his world. The world he's lived in for 20 years.  His life, his passion.  It was most gratifying.  Better yet, I thoroughly enjoyed it!  I'm a pampered city girl to the naked eye, but not afraid of hard physical labor.  So getting sweaty dirty doesn't phase me in the least.

But getting sweaty dirty isn't what this blog is about.  It's about, well who knows, I'm not even sure.  I don't even have a title for it yet.

It's about being close.  The normal every day relationship closeness that draws two people together. It's not about a power exchange dynamic, dominance and submission, or Master and slave.  It's about two human beings realizing that the search is over.

It's about recognizing compromises, and realizing that altering plans isn't a detriment, it's an enhancement of goals.

Coming to the realization that you can't live without the other person for the rest of your life.  It's that split second moment where the odds don't matter, you'll do what it takes, move heaven and earth just to be with that person.

It's about opening up, laying out the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the vision, it's exposing the deeper layers, having those tough discussions, coming to conclusions, creating a plan, and moving forward. There's always talk about trust in an M/s relationship, the innate trust that a slave or submissive has in their Master/Dominant, but the trust has to go both ways.

Building a life together is testament of that trust, it's not trust in the moment- it's trust for the long term.  It's knowing that person is going to be by your side, or attempt to (gotta insert reality here) for decades to come. It's WANTING that person to be by your side for the decades to come.

We had no other entertainment besides our own company for all that time.  It was never dull, it was never lacking, sometimes it was quiet- a comfortable quiet, a peaceful groove into each other with each other.

It's knowing that person isn't everything, but everything that counts.

It's knowing the the person that means the world to you, thinks the world OF you.

I found that, cherish it, relish in it. No, let me rephrase WE found that.  We've acknowledged it, embrace it, and within a few scant weeks will be living it together.  No longer his and hers, but ours.

The long drive will be for when we want to get away and be alone, not made by one, but by both- together.

I'm ready.

It will be harder than hard.

It will be worth every moment.

One day we will sit on our porch in our rocking chairs, looking over the beautiful landscape and know it was worth every moment.

Feedback

I thrive on feedback.  I don't care to hear the "constructive" feedback most times (I don't think many of us do), but I try to keep an open mind and really listen to what's being said.  However, I also must have some semblance of respect for the individual providing said feedback.  

Now when Jefe takes me into feedback mode, there are times, like a couple of weeks ago when I do get all defensive and don't "hear" what he has to say.  A few days after that communication mishap we had another talk regarding the same subject, and this time what he was saying made complete sense, and as such the assignment then made sense.

Those few days before that conversation were not fun though.  I floundered for a bit, feeling misunderstood and emotional, and not wanting to interfere in what he had going on by asking to talk.  So I did what I do well, and wrote out what was going on in my head.  The end result lifted a weight from my shoulders, and unfortunately added weight to his.  Which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless.

He felt the burden of the angst he felt he caused, which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless. He doesn't take those things lightly, but we didn't let it draw out.  Within a single conversation- we were back on the same wavelength. 

I'm learning that I can't keep those angst moments buried, they fester over time- even if I can dismiss them for awhile, something else will trigger the emotion then there's more piled on.  So while the first assignment wasn't what he was looking for, it did open a few different doors for the both of us- let him in.

We're moving forward with the cohabitation plans. It's scary as hell.  Maybe it's age and the hopeful wisdom that comes with it, but living together isn't as foot loose and fancy free as I thought it to be back in my 20's.  It's been almost a decade since I've lived with someone, well except for that 5 month stint with the ex D, but that wasn't ever looked at as a life long journey- I told him more than once that when he was back on his feet he would get his own place. We just never made it anywhere near that finish line.

So this time it's different, I WANT this to work more than I ever thought possible. We talk in life terms. He is looking at this through the same glass I am.

This is it.

This is what the universe gave to each of us. We don't treat that lightly.

It's going to be hard.

It'd going to be damned hard.

But we both want it.

I'll need to come back to this blog from time to time, I'm sure.

Have patience with me, buckle up and hold on tight.

I am.

Introspection time

Yes, it's been awhile, and probably for good reason... too much external shit going on to keep me from looking within.

Had a health crisis back in July with one of the kids, she's fine, but it gave me about a 30 second vacation with Master.  That did nothing for our togetherness, however it did solidify that this distance thing is no longer tolerable and we've, or rather he's reached a decision about who's moving where. So we're now immersed in moving plans.  A huge adjustment to be made by all parties.

Then real life commenced and it's been a whirlwind since.  I also officially got divorced after 8 years of  total separation (I haven't seen him in those 8 years, literally), and got somewhat screwed over in the hearing (child support) and have felt rather raw for the last 24 because of it.

Tonight we were having a light hearted discussion, and he picked up on let's call it an idiosyncrasy that I have about deep seeded desires and what I call sticking my foot in my mouth.  I don't do it intentionally, but he's picked up on it.

So I now have an assignment to dig into that.  I got very emotional when he brought it up. I think it was a cumulation of missing him, feeling screwed over, somewhat judged by the judged.  I just felt completely misunderstood.

I try very hard not to let the ghosts of the past resurface, but tonight they came back in full force.  I felt completely inadequate and flawed.  Of course I also reason this to my infernal need to be as close to perfect that I can be for Master.  He, of course, stressed that he was not displeased, angered, or upset, but I told him that being on the "one who pleases" side of the fence, it's hard NOT to take such things to heart.

I KNOW I'm not perfect, far from it.  I am human, but the slave part of me wants to be perfect and it's a hard time reconciling the difference. He said I shut down after he made the observation.  I did, not because I was being a bitch, but because a plethora of thoughts were swirling through my head.  I wasn't being passive/aggressive, wasn't trying to disguise anything intentionally.  I felt like the fly caught in the spider web and completely by accident.  I felt like I did something wrong, was doing something wrong and it didn't sit well.

So I have to think about this particular idiciosyncrasy and write about it.

More introspection, more vulnerability... it's a hard week to deliver vulnerable.  I understand it, but delivering an honest non defensive answer is going to be hard.  We're going to talk more on it tomorrow.  I don't think he expected me to be as emotional as I was, nor did I.  I call it a chick moment.

I wanted to fire back at him, but you don't have to open up to the same degree as I do, you don't see how a critique comes off as a criticism, a flaw, but I didn't, because it would serve no purpose.  This is the station I freely chose to give.  I didn't give it pending my agreement to certain aspects.  It took me a long time to find someone worthy ( and I don't say that conceitedly) of my servitude.

As he noted tonight, perfect would be boring.

It would be nice though, to think I'm more than halfway there *smiles weakly*

the best laid plans

I was to have two weeks all to myself with Master, but a medical emergency with one of the kids squashed those plans.  Instead I spent nearly a week in a hospital half way across the country with my little one.

Thankfully she's home and on the mend.

It depressed me knowing that I would return home and not be physically comforted by him.

I'm so fucking tired of the distance.

So fucking tired of it.

What love means

Defining moments.

I bought a card for Jefe yesterday.  We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.

I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.

It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do.  I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.

I've shown him, and he likewise what love means.  It doesn't mean empty words.  It doesn't mean empty promises.

It means doing and being your best for another person.  It means putting aside and learning anew.  It means taking steps you never thought possible. It means giving of self.

Giving of self.

What a difference life makes when both sides are playing the same game.

I knew it could be like this.

Sobering statistics

I had "divorce class" last week.  The mandatory parenting class for anyone divorcing with minor children.  After 8 years of separation and NO contact, most of the information wasn't pertinent.  However, I did get some good reminders and was glad I approached the evening with an open mind.

At one point, the instructor tossed out some statistics about remarriages.

75% second marriages fail

85% of third marriages fail.

NOT that I'm planning or remotely hoping for a third try at this, but the M/s dynamic is or can be a similar pact.

That figure terrifies me.  It doesn't take a marriage certificate to make a relationship work, but it sometimes makes it worth hanging on to to make it work.  Make sense?

As Jefe and make plans to merge our households (not sure how that looks yet), I fear that I will be part of that 85%.  Baggage aside, I have kids, he doesn't.  I have teens, he doesn't.  That kind of stress is going to be huge on us.  I have no doubt that if it was just the two of us, we'd make it through anything.  We are just that good together.

But now I'm scared to death to become a statistic, and I can't wait another 8 years to live under the same roof. Yeah, yeah, there's the 15% that do work, I don't live in that world, never have, probably never will.

Sometimes you just have to wonder... is love enough?