Journey into the depths of submission in mid life

Cycles

2012-01-05T19:42:00.001-05:00

Well it was not the beginning of the end. I may have been at my wits end back then, but as we all know everything comes in cycles, ebbs/flows etc. It's part of life, taking the good with the bad. It also helps when one understands what's going on during those ebb periods.

Feeling left in the dark can be very frustrating, even when you know it will pass. Doesn't make it any less to deal with at that time.

It's a new year, and I'm sure some things won't change. I'll probably continue to air my frustrations out here, because I can. It's not that I can't/won't share them with him, this just gives me an opportunity to blow off the steam, or just vent. It helps me put things into perspective so I approach him rationally.

Much of what I'm experiencing is new, the dynamic is new, or should I say this deep of a dynamic. I've never released the slave in me before. Never trusted someone deep enough to withdraw my limits, and mean it when I use the term Master.

We may not be a conventional "hand everything over" M/s couple, but the control that has been given has been freely accepted with new boundaries examined frequently.

I don't regret giving him the power, I don't see him through rose colored glasses (just in case you haven't read previous blogs), I am first human, second a woman, third his slave (somewhere in there is mother, worker, friend, daughter etc.). I would be lying if I considered myself to be his slave above and beyond anything else I am. It's a fine line though, learning what clicks and what doesn't.

I'm learning how the M/s dynamic meshes with the parent dynamic. That is very difficult for me. One I'm struggling with actually. He doesn't have children, so it's a learning curve for both of us. I'm always on guard, but sometimes maybe too much so it feels like sometimes.

I guess I need to do some more thinking on that.

Beginning of the end?

2011-10-28T14:57:00.000-04:00

It feels like dread this week. Silence is not always golden.

I feel like I'm being punished for something I had no control over. It wasn't my actions that brought this hell storm upon us.

I thought I was the bigger person for moving forward and leaving the whole thing behind us.

I guess I was wrong.

It seems pretty obvious that only one of us is really vested in this dynamic, and it's not you.

So first a slap in the face, now a kick in the ass?

Is that the way it's going to be?

Ok then, that's the way it is.

Rough Week

2011-09-15T23:05:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling lost this week. Communication is like pulling teeth, and I don't know specifically why. I know things still aren't the way he wants them to be, on many levels. The time we spend together is never enough, but it's all I have so I cling to it.

I know it wouldn't be this way if we were 24/7, but there's nothing I can do about it now, and for the foreseeable future- - he knows it too.

So why do I feel like I should be doing something about it?

Why do I feel guilty because I'm still this far away?

Why do I feel like if I simply stopped- he would be fine with it/?

I'm being irrational, and I know this. Yet I find I can't shake this uneasiness.

I don't doubt him, maybe I am on the surface, but if he wanted to end it, he would do so. He doesn't hem and haw or beat around the bush.

I don't think there's someone else. He's been on the receiving end of that, and it's just not in his nature.

Or is that what I want to believe?

I'm full of doubt, fear, uncertainty. I'm not sure how to approach it either.

Deep Sighs

2011-08-23T17:04:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a lot of that lately. It seems like the universe is testing my patience in more ways than one.

Nothing earth shattering, but trying nonetheless.

I got to post a personal blog at the other place over the weekend. When I mean personal, I mean descriptive. I generally don't do that. I tend to skate over things, give generalities, but I only get descriptive and explicit when I'm writing stories. Then all bets are off, one of my characters can give a three page blow job, but have me write about a personal experience and I could take a three hour scene and reduce it to a single paragraph, probably two.

I get to visit this weekend, just me, just him. For the last month we've had kids surrounding us, which hasn't left us celibate, but yanno.... none of the real good stuffs.

I'm having minor surgery tomorrow morning. It is minor, I'll be under general anesthesia though, so there's a part of me that is still nervous, and anxious for the outcome as well.

I wish he could come down tonight, I really would like to be wrapped in his strength today and tonight.

So I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and trying to be nonchalant, but I'd prefer just shutting my door until tomorrow is done.

Emotionally needy

2011-08-10T21:09:00.003-04:00

I'm torturing myself today. I had him to spoil for nearly five days before he had to go back home. I've been very emotional since he said he was leaving. It's not like I thought he would stay forever, but a few more days would have been nice.

But he had to go back, just like I have to come back every time I'm up there.

We had a few long talks over the weekend, about something and nothing. He would like to find a job that has him traveling- - like he used to. From what I gather he'd be gone for months at a time. At one time I would have thought that was the ideal relationship, now I'm not so sure.

I long for him, I crave him. I haven't felt that toward another human being in over 20 years. And back then I had no idea what d/s was, that guy was the 'one that got away'. I've pined over him ever since. Not in a "I want him back" kind of way, but a what if kind of way.

Anyway, I digress.

Of course, should he land a job like that, and we make the decision to stay together, I will cope.

It does give a person much to think about though.

I thought we crossed this bridge

2011-08-04T16:11:00.003-04:00

Back to the silence.

I know he's dealing with a lot of shit, but hey who isn't on some level.

I thought we cleared that debris a couple months ago.

I guess not.

*sigh*

Sanity

2011-08-01T21:51:00.002-04:00

It's been a long while, life has been more than busy, both work, family and Him. His injury finally required surgery, and thankfully I had some time off and was able to be with him non stop during the first part of his recovery.

Ten days is a long time to spend with someone non stop, well except for 2 hours in which I had to run errands for both he and I. In the past, I was in an LDR and after 2 days I was looking for an escape hatch. When he lived closer, a weekend every other weekend was quite long enough.

Shit, I would go on dates in the last couple of years and have a self imposed curfew. Always a way out.

Not so any more. Leaving after those 10 days was excruciating. This past weekend was my first back there in two weeks, and again, leaving is heart wrenching.

I've taken to asking if I can bring my collar back home with me. It's made the separation tolerable, or as tolerable as it can be.

I'm hesitant to bring up an every day collar, because he's still very limited in what he can/can't do around the house, and his creativity has been put on hold- so making something or buying something seems a bit of an imposition to ask of him.

I wrote in another blog elsewhere that the fact he is mine and I am his brings forth this overwhelming sense of emotion, gratitude, pride, awe, amazement, love, desire, and determination.

I never really cared whether I lived up to someone's expectations, I am me this is it, take it or leave it. I find that as I'm helping him around the house, doing something in the yard, I want and strive for perfection. I want to be nothing but in his eyes.

I hate it when I fall short of my own expectations. There's no such thing as perfection. He's not perfect either. Do we seem to fit perfectly together? Yes, I'd say we do.

I'm not so blinded by my admiration of the man that I can't see him in all of his faults, strengths, and needs improvement (haha). As humans we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever growing. He, even though he is my dominant, my master, my owner- is no different.

It is the whole picture of the man- that is mine.

Going through the motions

2011-07-15T16:13:00.002-04:00

That's all I seem to be doing today. I'm getting things accomplished, back on track with work and home, but there's an emptiness that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it.

I had almost two full weeks with Jefe. He's recuperating from surgery and I was more than eager to jump at the chance to be by his side while I could.

It was an interesting dynamic, him needing the help and me being in the 'area of control'. I didn't quite see it that way though. While I did what I do best, cater and ensure his comfort and health were seen to, I didn't feel that I was the one in control. I served his needs, offered some suggestions, recommended certain therapeutic remedies (no not sex), but even in the midst of his pain- - he was. There was never a doubt in my mind.

It was a different train of thought for me. Normally when someone I care about is ill in some way- it's a do this or that and I go into my natural (or unnatural depending upon your point of view) take charge mode.

I don't do that with him. It's odd. I go completely against everything else that I normally do, and just 'be' for him. There's no protocol in place for me to do that. I don't have to drop my clothes at the door, immediately fall to my knees. It's just a natural state of submissiveness for me. I'm perfectly comfortable just following his lead, or like with the last two weeks taking the latitudes he gave me given the situation to care for him.

I'm missing that today. My days were full of him, literally surrounding myself with him and his comfort, and today I have nothing. I'm not dropping like I thought I would. I just feel empty. I want to pour out a long email gushing with emotion, but he's dealing with this as well... why make it worse for him?

I brought home my collar this time. I don't usually. He understood that it will make things easier for me to be away from him this time.

I don't know when I'll be going back. It's back to school time around here, so I'm busy with that, and he may have the opportunity for some R&R at the shore, that would really help his recovery process. While it's certainly not a collar that I could wear in mixed company. I keep it close and I'm comforted by just touching it from time to time.

I feel guilty that I'm not there, by his side. I drive to his place and I feel like I'm coming home, and this place is just where I need to be for now.

Strange drop

2011-07-03T10:10:00.003-04:00

Jefe had his surgery for his back on Friday. I made an executive decision, without consulting him, and made the trek up north to be at his side. He called me first thing in the morning, left me two texts, but I didn't answer him back, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

I felt bad, because he said in his last message that he was hoping to talk to me before he went in, but it wasn't to be. However, when his mom brought me back into the pre-op room, the initial look of shock and subsequent smile, made it all worth while. Thankfully his surgery was later than expected so I was able to spend a good hour with him before he went under. I don't know if or how much extra peace it gave him, but I'd like to think it did.

It was where I needed to be, at his side, and at his side was where I was.

He mentioned a few times (and not always while doped up either haha) that it was a nice surprise, or he was glad I was there.

Each time he said it, I almost brushed it off, like I tend to do when he thanks me for something, but I'm learning to stop and say you're welcome, instead of being nonchalant.

I must admit, I thought my heart would overflow and burst with joy each time he took my hand, or I was there to see to his needs.

I didn't stay overnight. I had things to do here... get the kids ready for their annual trip to see the other grandparents (they leave tomorrow), get food for the remaining spawn, etc. I'm heading back up north to be with him for the next 10 days. His mom will leave once I get there. Last night she thought to call me and give me an update because he crashed. She reiterated how glad they both were that I came up, and that it meant a lot to both of them.

I'm glad.

It left me with a gaping hole yesterday though. It was like a drop of a different kind. I felt a little lost, and today isn't much better. It's a bad mix of not being with him and my babies leaving. It's the crawl in a hole type of morning.

The experience has opened up that can of worms about unanswered questions again. Is it harder for him to admit what he's feeling than it was for me? Or, God forbid, maybe he just doesn't feel that way. I always have to leave myself open to that possibility.

I'm getting to the point, though, where I need to have that discussion because I feel the walls building... ever so slowly, and generally when we're not together. Of course, it's when we're not together that I don't feel 'him'.

There was a song back in the 90's... wow yeah way back then. I can't remember the artist now, but it was a rock ballad. Something about love and showing how you feel and the words don't make it real... OH! I found it... Extreme was the artist... More than words is the song.

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

Sometimes though, you just need to hear it.

I wonder if he wonders at times, why I haven't begged for my permanent collar. He told me months ago that I would need to beg, and I haven't.

Sometimes I wonder how I can feel owned, or know he's my Master, and trust him the way that I do, without having heard how he feels about me. Then I sit and question myself, do I really need to hear it? Yes. I do. I want to know the depths of what he's feeling.

Then I second guess myself again. We've had discussions about what a collar means, and unless he was just blowing smoke up my ass, he takes that meaning seriously. It's not something to 'play' around with. Well outside of play that is.

I've answered my own questions, many times over in my head. I'm just being stubborn.

What a difference

2011-06-19T20:20:00.003-04:00

A day makes.

Ok, well two days. I've been home for approximately 46 hours from a week-long business trip that wasn't all that productive, but had my fill of gin and tonics.

The week was unproductive for a few different reasons, mostly work related, but I had the nagging cloud of my angst hanging over me every minute of the day. Yes, every minute. Well ok, maybe a couple minutes went by when I was three sheets to the wind, but even then I was checking my phone for a message more than frequently. So frequently, that my battery went into critical "charge me NOW" mode.

Our one chance to see each other this weekend fell through, and well that was the icing on my angst cake. I really started to fall into a depression of sorts. ME?!?!?!

Nothing ever phases me. I'm too tough and strong and independent for that shit. Yeahhhhhh riiiiiight would be the appropriate response.

I used to be. Not any more.

I needed him so much that I felt myself pulling away. Mixing the mortar and ready to start building the walls again. I was going to start protecting my heart. No long and drawn out messages, no heartfelt I miss you's. Aloof and unconcerned. Yep, that's right where I was going.

Who the hell was I kidding? I just mentioned that I sent my phone into charge me now or else mode. I crave his attention. I could feel the distance even more, and I felt more and more needy. That's something I'm so not used to.

I also realized that my actions were unfair. I'm sure he sensed I was still hurting, but neither one of us broached the subject. Him I'm sure for not wanting to dredge it up again, and me for not wanting to open a wound. He didn't know that it was festering though, and I know me, if it festers for too long- - I blow.

So Saturday morning I sat down and composed an email. I didn't make it long and drawn out, just the basics, but straight and too the point.

I didn't ask him if he ached, I didn't lay blame. I only told him how the message came across to me. How I felt.

I also told him that even though I knew he missed me and wanted to see me, sometimes I need to hear it.

The second I hit send, I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I said what I had to say, and put it where it needed to go.

He didn't directly respond to that particular email, but the correspondence and conversation that ensured since told me he 'got' it.

Everyone needs some reassurance sometimes. He's going through his own battles, and while he hasn't come out and said anything directly- - he's had to deal with my blatant dissatisfaction. He takes it all in stride.

I sat back after reading a blog yesterday and realized how much I lost sight of what's really important. It's our relationship as a whole. It doesn't need validation every minute of the day. It does need nurturing and compassion though, during difficult times, and this is a mild one compared to some that could happen as long as we are a couple.

I need him, I value him, and have given myself to him. He owns me. Even though I don't wear his physical mark on a day to day basis, mentally and emotionally he has. We both know it, and we've talked about it.

He
Owns
Me

what beautiful words.

Yesterday, I told him how lucky I was to have him as mi Jefe and owner, and that I wasn't going anywhere during this tough time.

I've been itching for some new ink. The back piece i want is quite extensive and I don't have the money for it. So I'm contemplating a smaller, much smaller tat, don't know what, don't know where. I could go get one right now if I wanted to.

To be on the safe side, I casually asked him if he wanted design and placement approval.

His response

As long as I'm your owner, I retain that right.

My god what beautiful words.

A few simple paragraphs and we're both where we need to be. Solid in who we are, confident in the other. While trust was never breached, I think the bond was stretched a bit. Maybe a simple test of karma. I don't know.

I don't think either one of us realized it was a test.

It wasn't until I reminded myself that I wasn't going anywhere and am lucky to have him at the helm, and sent him that very same message that the tide changed.

(why am I speaking in boat metaphors?)

His words became much more relaxed and back on track. He's a wise man not to push when he knew my mind wasn't there. I probably would have resisted and pushed back, making the situation much worse and earning a beating or two for my ass.

Long week

2011-06-18T10:57:00.003-04:00

I was on business travel all of this week, and as nice as it is to travel and 'get away', I really don't care for it much. Sleeping in a bed that's not mine or familiar doesn't do much for a good night's sleep. I don't worry about the brood, they are in good hands during my absence.

This week was harder than most though because Jefe is really hurting, physically and mentally. His back injury is not putting his frame of mind in a very good space. Combine that with the fact that I'm still depressed over last weeks miscommunication of sorts, and well it just wasn't a very good week.

I realize that I over think. I'm an analyst...it's what we do!! However, no matter how many times I tried to make light of it, or make an excuse (in my head) the result was still the same. I'm bothered by it, very bothered by it.

The question is what am I going to do about it?

I can't let it fester, if I have too many more days like this I'll be ready for a prescription. I'm tired of having this hang over me like a cloud, casting its shadow. The shadow's getting longer instead of shorter.

Here's the part that's making me stupid. It's all verbal. I see the way he looks at me, feel the way he holds me and I know it's more than 'temptation'. I need to hear it though.

I am not told that I'm missed, or that I'm needed. I'm a temptation. See? I'm doing it again. Making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I can't stop thinking about it though. I have to tell him more than I did last Sunday because I feel it affecting each conversation.

I need to see him, be near him...

need....

It's not something I'm accustomed to.

Miscommunication

2011-06-12T19:35:00.003-04:00

Things don't always come out as intended.

Today I was going, or should I say hoping to go up north and meet up with jefe and his friends for a short time. My intent was to surprise him, but I thought better of it and told him of my intentions.

At first he sounded happy, then given the situation, he suggested it would be better for me to stay home. I told him I was hurt, and why. His words weren't intended to hurt, but they did nonetheless. Doesn't he want to be near me as much as I want to be near him?

I went from elated to crushed within an hour.

I'm still crushed.

I'm having a very hard time with it.

The reasons were valid and thoughtful of me, but it's left me sad and empty.

I wanted nothing more than a few hours in his presence, to get that physical reassurance and mental affirmation of 'him'.

We parted the last time on a sombre note... I needed that rush of happiness I get when I see his face.

But, the D has spoken, and I am home. Missing him so much it physically aches.

Is he aching too?

Evaluating

2011-06-11T17:10:00.002-04:00

Last weekend el jefe and I camped beneath the stars. It was a weekend of firsts for me in so many ways. I was naked in the wilderness, but not so desolate there wasn't any other soul. I heard cars or rather trucks in the not too far distance. I was nervous, excited, and on edge given my environment.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be strapped to a tree, led around by my leash with nothing but shoes on my feet and cuffs adorning my wrists and ankles. Last weekend I found out. I also found out I enjoyed it. It brought me deeper into my submission to him, and realized that I felt completely at ease putting my trust in him in a whole new fashion.

It was also the first weekend we were truly alone to experience bdsm activities without the use of a safe word. A few weeks back I broached the subject and told him I didn't want it anymore. He thought about it, and was in agreement. With the caviat that we'd discuss the to see if either of us wanted it back at any time, to which I readily agreed. Never even having been pushed to actually use a safeword in my past, this was a huge leap for both of us. He's never been in the drivers' seat to that extent. He's called it quits on his own accord or ended when a safe word was used, either by me or in his past. It's a heavy load to carry on a dominant's shoulders, one I felt he was ready to take on. Obviously, he felt ready as well.

Knowing I didn't have a safe word never left my conscious thought. There were a few times when I was strapped to the tree and the evil flogger bruised my flesh when I thought I might have been able to use it... before, but knowing it wasn't there pushed me. I knew he would decide when and if the flogging would stop. He would decide how much I had to endure for him, and for me. The decisions were his and his alone. I was confident in my decision, I felt myself fall deeper into his control, and I reveled in it.

He then set up a seat for himself and brought me to my knees to worship him, like any good slut should. Unable to use my hands, I lavished him with all the attention I could muster, before he took over and used me how he wanted to. Now there's a definite distinction between self imposed and imposed use. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, I will gag and retch, and I will fight to pull off of him to breathe and not puke. He will pull me back down and have his way. It's not something I find I can relax with, however much I want to- and I do want to.

Again, there was no safe word, and all the aforementioned things did happen, and then some. I resisted, and he pushed, I tugged and he pulled me back. I had saliva flowing from my mouth, mucus running from my nose, tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed at my appearance, gone was the demure slut, I was pulled into the depths of a wanton whore. Every girls dream... right? Looking back on it today, yes it was, but in the moment I was embarrassed to have him see me like that. I begged for relief, for a chance to compose myself, but he was unrelenting. He was going to use me the way he wanted to, for as long as he wanted to. It didn't matter to him if I was going to puke all over him, or drool, or make a complete mess of either one of us. It was humiliating, and degrading, but never once did he make me feel incompetent or belittle my efforts. He could have been mean, could have shoved my face down in the dirt and literally made me feel as worthless as I was making myself feel, but he didn't. He proved to me that he could take all the control from me and still make me want to give more.

At one point, he pulled up on my leash and held me inches from his face and asked me if I wanted my safe word back. I don't recall if there was a second or two of hesitation, but I shook my head no, without a doubt I didn't want it back. He affirmed that I did indeed want to be his slave and resumed his use.

It was a mind blowing experience, with minimal physical restraints, I felt more helpless than ever before, and more free than I've ever been.

When he finished with me, I laid there and cried. I have a tendency to do that when he pushes me that far, but previously it's been after calling 'red'. I don't know how much more I would have endured, but it didn't matter to me. I endured what he wanted me too.

As we sat and watched the sun set over the horizon, we talked about the intensity of the situation. I don't think I could verbalize how deep I went, or how close to him I felt. It's an addicting endorphin to be that immersed and free. I want to be there again and again.

He said something that surprised me, after we finished that talk and yapped about other things...
He said he had been contemplating my profile (on the mega bdsm site) and considering publicly linking me to him. Considering how private he is, I was dumbfounded. I told him I would be honored to have that attachment. He also said he's considering requesting my passwords. To what I asked. To everything he replied. I surprised myself when I shrugged and said, ok let me know.

A few years ago, the other dom (capital removed for intent) and I talked about exchanging passwords, and I flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt that I wouldn't share that with him. I'm not talking about banking PIN, I'm talking the public social media, but I wouldn't. Not because I had something to hide, but it was an invasion of privacy. I could have cared less about his passwords, he had nothing of any interest to me, but there was no way in hell I was giving him mine. Oh well, was my train of thought. Deal with it.

Even though the subject never came up again, my feelings never changed. I would never give him passwords. I guess I never truly trusted him with me or anything mine.

With el jefe, it just feels right. Another step in the depths of his control.

He hasn't asked for them yet, but I'm sure he's doing his evaluating as well.

He also reads my blog over at that other site. That surprised me as well. I don't ever see his name when I look at the 'recently viewed' list. Not that I write things I wouldn't want him to see, but I honestly didn't think that he was reading. He also mentioned that he was glad I didn't join the group he belonged to, because he was sure I'd read his posts. In all honesty, I hadn't read his posts in some time. I felt it was an invasion of his privacy, but now that he's mentioned it, I will admit, I've gone and read his questions and his answers. Personally, I think most of the people in that group have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to their own self importance, but they do have interesting things to say from time to time.

One of his recent questions has to do with a topic he and I touched on during our night under the stars. One that affects me deeply, and am helpless to do much about it. I can see that it's weighing heavily on his mind as well, but we don't have answers. I'm glad he's seeking counsel from people he values.

I want that night back. There's nothing I would change, with the exception of some bug spray haha, but I want it back. I need to feel it again.

Days without him become unbearable in some ways, in most ways. How I wished he was here when I returned home yesterday. Alas, he wasn't, and it will be two more weeks before we will next see each other, maybe three.

Well, this blog is long enough. I may post again today, as I have more things on my mind.

until then.... live.

Warmth

2011-05-31T18:52:00.001-04:00

There's a certain feeling of warmth and togetherness that can be felt even when you're not in the presence of that other person.

Just a ramble of thoughts

2011-05-24T17:33:00.003-04:00

The typical Monday has rolled into a tepid Tuesday. It's not that I'm feeling indifferent towards things, more like lost. Five days seems like an eternity.

I asked for an assignment, I haven't felt a need to do that, but I realize that I need one. Assignments for me are writing tasks. He picks a subject and I have to dive into my head and reveal what's there. We have impromptu discussions all the time, but it's been a few weeks since I've had a specific topic to ponder over. Some of the assignments are easier than others, but there have been a few that have been tough, more the creative assignments, the ones where I have to talk about a specific topic are easy for me. I guess I have so much to say about something.

Mondays and Tuesdays are tough for me. We're both going through drop, him in the headspace, and me in the subspace. I get spoiled simply by being with him, and then we go through this. I get lost during this time. More lost than I thought I ever would. It's not insecurity, it's just missing him. I can't complain much though, because he's going through his own shit, but it does make me blue nonetheless.

I will be away from him for almost a month, and it's coming up soon. If he isn't able to make it here this weekend, it will be a month before I will see him again. I can't fathom what that will be like. I'm dreading it both from my point of view and his. Granted, even if we lived closer, my schedule is such that it really wouldn't matter, but it would allow for brief contact- - depending on how close we were. Will this cement the distance factor for him? Will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Will he finally decide that the amount of time we'll be apart just isn't worth this loneliness we suffer after each visit? Either way, I told him that he had three weeks to get healthy because after that amount of time I'm going to drive up and ravage him.

I realize I'm way over analyzing here, but that's the way my brain works. Examine each and every facet until I drive myself crazy. Aren't you so glad you're here reading this dribble?

Am a barking up the wrong tree? Probably. The distance factor is our only stumbling block. The rest we've eased into nicely. Our dynamic flows without difficulty, and I think that ease makes the days without even more difficult. Of course, were we together more often, real life would interfere just like it does for everyone, and things might be different. All we have is what we have, and while it's not enough, we must settle for something that is exactly what we both want, just not at our fingertips.

It's something so many go through. Distance has never been a problem for me. I've said either here or in another blog somewhere, I couldn't wait for my escape, let me go back to my domain. It's just the opposite now. It's a measly three hours each way, but it's too much. I want him in my clutches much sooner than that drive allows.

But, I'll take him in any part of my life rather than not having him in it. The cold reality is though, that there are no guarantees, and I am constantly aware of that.

I also haven't started my petition for his collar. Not that I'm conflicted over wanting it, but there is a part of me that is unsure. The distance keeps cropping up in my head, preventing me from spewing forth with my desires. Of course the rational side of me says that he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of a collar, type, style, etc if he was ready or thinking about the distance factor as much as I have been.

A collar means something to us, it's his mark on me, his claim. Not that how I feel, or how he feels will be any different, but it will be different. I've read in numerous places that a collar is akin to a wedding ring. It's a promise of sorts, not legally binding like a marriage, but a formalization of a bond. It's a promise to each other to lead/follow.

So what's holding me back? Me. I'm doing too much analyzing and not enough doing again.

Ok, I'm starting to depress myself now, I better stop for today.

Typical Monday

2011-05-24T00:25:00.003-04:00

Thursday afternoon, Jefe asked if I wanted to come up, and of course I took the opportunity as offered. We didn't have anything going on, so by noon I was enroute. The three hours doesn't seem like forever anymore.

As always, I had a wonderful time. Just being next to him is what matters. Of course our continued exploration of bdsm and each other leaves me breathless in so many ways. The things he does physically, the emotional connection is something I never experienced, and probably never will. It's made a good many things I've read about in some blogs around the web make complete sense.

We've made great strides making time to see each other. We manage every weekend, still can't do during the week though, with work schedules. That is really getting to both of us. He thought it was a bit easier on me because I always seem to have something going on, or someone around me, but that's not the case. I want to be with him, not just on the weekends, but each and every day. I want to fall asleep and wake up next to him like I get to do every 5 or 6 days.

It's not enough, I want more. I am selfishly wanting to devote more time to him. My hands are tied and not in a good way. His are too.

It becomes weary and draining. We have devoted time, even when people are around us, but then the immediate separation sucks. I try to put on a happy face when I chat at him, but some weeks I can't, some weeks I don't want to be strong. I need him to be stronger and carry me. It just sucks. We both seem to come out of our funks by Wednesday. I think subliminally we both know the weekend is right around the corner.

I'm just venting today, pay me no mind.

Progression

2011-05-15T14:46:00.002-04:00

My head is a jumble right now. I want to write, but I can't seem to nail down a single thought. Jefe just left and now I'm in mopey mode. He decided to come down Friday on a spur of the moment decision, which made my Friday something to look forward to. I couldn't wait for him to get here, the clock being ever so sadistic tormented me with slow moving hands all day. He made it here in record time, much to my immense pleasure, and we joined others for a happy hour gathering at the local watering hole. Then left came home for just enough time to grab my leather, put on the boots and hope on the bike.

I so enjoy seeing that man on his bike. I've never been one for the crotch rockets, but I have a whole new appreciation for them now. They are so vastly different from Harley's, and both have their own appeal. Watching his muscles flex as he maneuvers the controls, well it's just one more thing that gets me all excited (as if I need anything else to do that).

There was a different dynamic to his visit this time. We had a discussion earlier in the week about safe words. A continuation, really of a previous conversation regarding a master/slave tpe and how it would look to us, our personal points of view on the subject both in general, and specific to us.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about an incident where I had a choice to safeword, but instead put myself in his hands and 'went with it' and how much better I felt once I did. I've done much thinking about that incident, and how pivotal it was for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone, way outside my comfort zone, and it didn't matter.

I've thought about a couple of times when I have used the safe word (in his company- - no one else has ever pushed me that far, but that's besides the point), and I wonder how much further he could have taken me on his own. Now I know the word is there for a reason, and a very valid one, but I can't help but wonder each time I contemplate using it whether I can go a little further. Take nipple clamps- - I hate the damned things, of course he likes the damned things, so they get put on. One time in particular, I felt they hurt more than usual, I mean they really hurt, and I thought about using it. I didn't, I gave it more time and eventually that dull aching pain took over from that sharp biting pain. Now that's a very mild situation to safe word in, but that's why the word is there, mild or severe- - it's the call to stop whatever is happening.

Why do I want the safe word option? That's what I've been asking myself. I really don't. There's no reason for it in an ethereal sense. I know the man would never harm me, beat me until I was bloodied, emotionally harm me, or put me in a situation that would cross the line of legalities.

So why?

So at some point I can say enough?

I don't want to have that control anymore.

So I brought it up.

We talked.

It's a heavily implicated decision- for both of us.

He now has the ultimate responsibility to decide when something is over, or even when and where something will begin. It's a very large responsibility, and he asked some very poignant questions, and I answered as truthfully as I could. There are some things to which I don't know the answers to. I don't know if we will have to turn back and revert back to having a safe word. It's all good in theory, but in practice, who knows. But for now....

It's all in his hands.

I like it in his hands.

I can't deny him, haven't been able to since the pivotal incident. That was a huge realization for the both of us.

He asks.

He gets.

He wants.

He receives.

I would have it no other way.

Today I bathed him, I enjoyed every second of it. I didn't go through the motions because he said bathe me. He's never asked that of me, today I offered. I wanted to. I want to see to his comforts, his needs, both in and out of the bedroom. Last weekend I told him that I loved him (yes, finally). This weekend, I showed him. Not that I hadn't before, but it was different this time, completely different.

He owns me, and could dictate anything he wants of me, but...

He wants me to be me.

I am owned, and could come up with a laundry list of needs like in the past, but

I need for only him to be him.

The natural dynamic that flows between us is so effortless. There's no need to have a set of rules, our protocol is inherent to how we are. He leads and I follow, it's just the way it is. It surprises me at times, how easy it is. I knew it could be like this, knew it should be like this, just didn't think I'd find it.

I tried not to cry when he left. It didn't work. It's not that I'm trying to be a big girl and just hold it all together, but when we part it's never easy on either of us, and my tears aren't going to make it any easier. However, I won't hide my sadness either, because that's keeping things from him. He owns, and with that he gets all the emotions that go along with it. Not that I lay it all out there for him to deal with, but I do/will keep it honest. He takes it all in stride.

There were two things I felt I needed to do to go deeper in my submission to him. Reveal my feelings and remove my ability to control a scene/session/play etc whatever name you give it. I've accomplished those two things, so now it's time.

To beg....

Needy

2011-05-05T17:36:00.001-04:00

The clock is ticking, I can't wait for the weekend. I need to feel his arms around me, see that look in his eye, and taste his lips.

Of course everything else that goes along with it.

More cerebral activity

2011-05-04T17:37:00.004-04:00

As the week progresses, I have come to grips with what I need to do, and am going to tell him this weekend. It might not be the best timing, but if I don't tell him, I'm going to keep beating myself up.

I've reflected on various conversations we had last weekend, and it's put me in a much better mind space than I was in on Monday, and even yesterday. The fog has lifted and am now resolved. I knew from the beginning that I was being foolish, but needed the time. I had to sort everything out and remove all of my doubts and insecurities.

Today I am a new person. It's as if I woke with a whole new understanding on me. Which I suppose I did.

I've been doing some reading today on Fet.... interesting groups that I hadn't perused before. All topics Jefe and I have spoken about, nothing new per se at least in conversation. One of the topics was on the "mind fuck", and I realized how effortlessly he does that. Whether it's in a full scene, or just a passing comment.... he never fails to capitalize on something I've said in previous conversations or writings.

Over the weekend he remembered such comment and while in the midst of company, he whispered it in my ear. I froze instantly and looked out the window, envisioning what he said. Now, at the time, I remember thinking "he wouldn't" "it's just a mind fuck". He's very private, so doing something when company is present, so I really did dismiss the comment. Regardless, at the moment he accomplished the mind fuck. But today I realized he very well could have made it happen. I also realized (today), that I don't know what I would have done if he did indeed make it a command rather than a threat.

Would I have used my safeword to say no? It's difficult to look back on the situation and truly know. I can 'see' some discussion and the reminder as to the way out. Once again the decision would be mine and mine alone.

I have a hard time denying the man anything, it's near impossible, but he hasn't pushed me to 'that point' which all I can think of is something that involves the public, innocent bystanders, oh hell who am I kidding, anyone else...

It's one thing for him to use me in private, it's another for him to use me with people around. Use comes in many forms. It doesn't mean fucking or overt sexual behavior. When we were in the store, he took his liberties, and he knew I was uncomfortable. He enjoyed how red my face got. Once again, something Ms. Public Prim n Proper NEVER would consider before. Yet, what did I do to stop him?

Not a damned thing, because the truth of the matter is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that he took what he wanted to take, that he is confident enough in himself and his control over me to "do" instead of just "talk". The mind fuck only goes so far. Suggest it once okay, talk about it numerous times without acting on it and then it becomes just something else not followed through with.

So, I wonder if after the "imaginary discussion" whether I would have opted out. There is a small part of me, and it's growing that sees me following through.

In some ways, that's scary for me. No individual has ever had that kind of power over me. It's one of those things that I've read about, how women will go to exponential lengths to satisfy/prove/serve their dominants, and I can see that happening with me.

As I've told him, if it's in my power, then it is done.

So, yeah, I guess I answered that question now didn't I.

Recovering from my own thoughts

2011-05-03T19:39:00.004-04:00

I've done some serious thinking since my post on Sunday night. I am thoroughly irritated with myself over my inability to verbally relate my feelings to him. It affected most of my day yesterday, and I'm not sure if my angst has pushed him away.

It's easy to be strong, dismiss any insecurities and assume the stance with the cape billowing in the breeze. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable, admit when I need reassurance, a hug. Sometimes I just want him to tell me to spill my guts. I'm the tough girl, I can suck it up and deal. Well sometimes I don't want to deal, sometimes I want to lay it all on his shoulders and have him bear and hold my feelings.

Of course, he's not a mind reader. I either need to pour it out or leave it in.

One of the things I've been telling myself is that I'm not worthy to beg for his collar. I think my thinking has been skewed. I'm not ready, it's more than giving up limits or a safeword, and not about handing over the title to my car.

It's about how much of myself I want to give. It's easy to give the physical body, he already has that, and takes very good care of it. He has my heart, even though I haven't said it in so many words, I show him as often as I can. I give him my thoughts about various things. I've revealed things, but I realized today that I haven't revealed enough.

I need to spill my guts, I haven't done that in a long time. I wrote in my journal yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time either.

Tonight I think I need to write to him.

Why is it so hard?

2011-05-01T21:18:00.003-04:00

Spent the weekend up north again. We had some things to do in town, so we met there before heading back to the casa. I was already at the store when he arrived, and it's like the whole world stops when I see him. I can't ever remember having someone in my life where I felt that way, even during that "rose glasses" time frame.

I know it sounds like my head is in the clouds, but all I can honestly say that through all the self examination, all the analyzing, it is different. I'm not going to go on and on about that, I'm sure y'all get the drift.

We had a very frank discussion regarding aspects of the bdsm lifestyle, things that would work for us, things that we didn't think would. Our views are similar, but not identical. I can live with the differences, the few that there are. During the conversation, as I was thinking my usual deep thoughts, I realized that there were a few things I wasn't ready for. I'm not, no wait, I know why. To engage in that deepest level of bonding, the circle needs to be complete. I can't even consider giving up the last stronghold until it is.

The stupid part is that it's in MY power to complete that circle, and yet I'm choking on the words. I can tell that man everything and anything else, admit my deepest secrets, but I can't tell the man I love him, and am in love with him. Why? Why can't I freakin' say the words?

I even went as far as to look him straight in the eye and tell him I am a chicken. I can go that far and then I get all tongue tied. Oh, I had ample opportunity, and hesitated each time and then the moment passed, without a single utterance.

I need to spend the next few days examining the reason why I can't say it. It's not that I'm worried about it being reciprocated, because it's there. You can tell when you are loved, you can see it in a person's eyes, feel it in their touch.

So why the hell am I my own roadblock?

Thoughts and musings

2011-04-24T23:45:00.003-04:00

How do you 'know'? It's an age old question that's been asked and answered throughout the generations. It's different for every person, there is no single answer. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love is an emotion that takes time to mature and grow. Lust, infatuation, desire- - yeah those things can be instantaneous, but not love.

Even though there are many facets to love, we love different people in different ways, familial love, romantic love, kindred love (couldn't think of a term for a best friend kinda thing), even within those parameters are various facets. For example I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. How? There's a protection factor that isn't there with the parents. Although as they age, I can see where that may change.

But how do you know? I was on a site a month or so ago, when I was wrestling with the thought of saying the words to el jefe, that was devoted to 'when is too soon'. There was no clear answer, and there shouldn't be because every person, every couple's dynamic is different.

I still haven't said anything, but hey he's a smart guy, he's even read a blog or two, he knows. Now at this point it's not a matter of whether I think it's too soon, but when is a good time. It's not something I feel like I can just blurt out, but at the same time I have to just 'say it'. I'm such a ninny, I know this.

I looked back on some of our early communication, unfortunately a good portion of what drew me to him in our very first communications went poof from the site we were yapping on, it's been since November since the first virtual hello, since early December since the first time I heard his voice, since mid December since I first laid eyes on him. It's not a matter of too soon at this point. It's been brewing since mid February, but it doesn't seem as important to say it as it did yesterday, it feels more important for me to 'feel it'.

Words can be misleading, actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love.

Yeah, I know I talk a good game, I'm still a chicken.

Moving on....

I dance around the web and read all kinds of blogs and articles about BDSM, D/s, M/s, S&M etc... and there is no one source that I lay claim to 'the best' information. Everyone has his/her slant on what the lifestyle means to him/her. Some of which I hold true to me, other commentary not so much, and others not at all. That's not to say that his/her words aren't true, they're just not true for me.

I spent a good portion of yesterday and a bit of time this morning reading discussions, blogs and articles on slavery. It's an area that I've not thought possible for me due to circumstances more than possibility. It seems the norm to 'give it all up', and raising young children on my own- - well right off the bat that's not something I can do, nor devote 24/7 to another human being.

However, does slavery have to be all or nothing? Can it be a 'part time' thing? I don't mean turn it on or turn it off so to speak, but I mean the time to which I can physically devote to him... and I don't mean sexually either, well not all of it.

Is it more of a mental enslavement when one doesn't live with his/her dominant partner? Given work, family and other obligations- - is it possible to consider one's self a slave if the outside world also puts it's demands on the slave?

In an ideal world, a slave could be 24/7... not work, stay at home, raise kids, tend to the house... or barring no children walk around naked all day and devote her/himself 100% to his/her Master/Mistress. For a good many people, that simply isn't a reality we can live in today.

It's a tough paradox, one I'm analyzing. One day I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to relinquish all the control he wants to take from me. That will be a discussion down the road, we both have individual aspirations of having a relationship like that, we're still evaluating whether ours could be as such.

It sucks when reality gets in the way of a good dream...

The day after...

2011-04-21T12:00:00.003-04:00

Driving home yesterday, I had a plethora of blog topics floating through my head. Of course now that I can be in front of a computer- I'm void of all thought.

Well, not all thought, just blog topic thought.

The eldest left for Afghanistan yesterday. Always a downer, but I don't worry- or I try not to.
Test results came back for the good yesterday- not the bad. I didn't realize how much relief I'd feel, even though I thought I prepared myself for the bad news rather well. The instant release of emotion surprised me. It shouldn't, but it did.

I've been writing blogs for years. I was very active in the old yahoo 360 social network, but once that went bye bye, I can't say that I blog anywhere regularly. I like this space here at times because no one from my 'old' social network knows about me here. It's a sense of anonymity that I like. Why I'm not sure. The folks that I 'knew' were all supportive and engaging, but I'm done with that. I just want to spew for me, not for the masses.

I had a conversation with Jefe the other day, and he commented that he found being the subject of a blog a bit odd. I thought about it, and realized that even though I'm not putting specifics out there, identifying him- - recently (obviously) he's in the spotlight- if only by default.

I previously didn't look at it from that perspective. When I was in 360 land, TM was the subject of some of those blogs. He relished the attention. Which then brought back the realization that I was the 'trophy sub'. I was part of an online community, a very active member and without tooting my own horn, a popular one- simply because I was so involved. TM was instantly a part of that inner circle by association. It was his ticket to acceptance. Granted the public never saw the mounds of communication between him and I about things that needed to be fixed. As a matter of fact, it was the beginning of my blogging demise. I'm not one to not be good on the inside and put on a happy face just for the sake of a blog for some public persona.

Then later in another relationship- (too shortly after TM)- I was admonished for writing a blog about getting out of a speeding ticket, being grateful with a warning and receiving some comments asking if I resorted to 'favors' to get out of the ticket. All was meant in good fun, but it was the icing on the cake for the demise of that relationship.

I find it difficult to write at times now. I don't get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did, but I do still enjoy it. It's like I told Jefe, it's like having a thought, but once it goes in a blog it's like telling someone. It makes it real that way, not just in my head.

The end result after some pondering from him was that I keep writing. He's fine with it. He doesn't want the link, he would rather I keep writing for 'me' not with the notion that he might be reading it. *smiles* He 'gets' it.

I think there's a small part of me though that knows he might just read this at some point. I'm not sure I keep it in the forefront of my thought process as my fingers fly across the keys. I guess I'll find out if I ever have a "rant about him' blog. *grins*.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon. That's very unlike him. I hope everything is okay. I don't want to worry, but again this is not par for the course. I will wait it out... like I have any other choice haha.

I'm out of sorts today, maybe some of it is because I haven't had my daily dose of contact. I'm sure that's part of it. If something is wrong though, there is no one who knows how to get in touch with me. I know I'm over reacting, but hey I'm female- it's what we do.

So, I'm going to stop the blog for today, my mind isn't going where I want it to go.

Exhale

2011-04-17T18:54:00.004-04:00

Well, I still haven't broken down and uttered those three lil words. He's aware that they're coming though. I'm thoughtful like that... *grins*.

We made a huge step this weekend. He came here to the house instead of me going up North. Here... in the house, with the brood. I would have to say we had a great time. He said he enjoyed himself, and I don't think he'd placate me. He wasn't bugging to get out of here early, no sudden 'things I gotta do came up', so methinks all was good from his perspective. Other than the normal zoo-like atmosphere of said domicile. There's always something that needs to be cleaned, fixed, straightened up etc. That's just a part of my life, and I could have done a clean sweep, but there was a part of me that wanted to say, this is me take me as I am, clutter and all.

As this relationship evolves, there are a few things that are becoming self evident. I never before really knew what it meant to please someone. Now I'm not talking "get on your knees and suck my cock" (I think that's part of the dominant's creed haha), but there's a time and place for that, and while it might be a mantra, it should do more than just dictate the direction of a relationship. Crud, forgot where I was going with this.... (quick reread)

Oh, yeah, okay, so what it means to please someone. Inherently I think we all know what it means to please someone, it doesn't have to be in a sexual sense, unless you're a completely selfish person, in general- you like to see those you care about happy. AND sometimes you have a part in making that happiness.

It doesn't matter which side of the d/s fence you're on.

Unless a dominant's goal in life is to never make a submissive happy, to rule by force and threat of punishment (and I know there are dominants like that out there), then in general a happy sub is a good sub, and one who 'wants' to please.

BUT, in my head, there's a fine line between, the phrase "on your knees" because someone is a dominant and that's the 'general edict' they set forth (been there/done that), and hearing those words and having that instant flutter of "yay!! I'm being told to do this, but it doesn't matter because I really, really want to anyway.

NOW, I know what it feels like to want to do that. To relish each moment I spend on my knees, or beside him, or beneath him, or on top of him... yeah you get the picture *grins* Yeah, even when I'm gagging and choking, and feeling completely inadequate in that department- - I am loving every minute of it.

He pushed a couple of limits this weekend, and it was an eye opening experience for me. I never ever would have imagined myself in either situation and complying with said request. In one case there was no hesitation. In the other, there was some. I was reminded that I can safe word, and I did think about it. In the end though, I complied. It was the only thing that would make me happy, and all because that's what he wanted me to do.

Now I say this with some past experience. I NEVER, and I do say that with capital letters and emphatically, would have engaged in such activities with previous relationships. All two of them. Why? I've asked myself since Friday...

The connection wasn't there. Even TM, the man I was collared to. I realize now, he doesn't know the meaning of it. It's what you're supposed to do in a BDSM relationship. You find someone and you collar them. I didn't know any better, so I went along for the ride. There was nothing 'earned' on my part. I did all the prerequisite introductory things, and poof, there it was. Now, there was an emotional relationship prior to that, months and months of one, but yeah, in retrospect... well and in present, it hasn't happened since.

Wearing something for playtime is one thing, I did that in one relationship. It made sense for that particular play, but I didn't like that either, because it wasn't 'mine'. Others had worn it for the same reason I wore it, and well... I just like to be the princess and feel it's mine. I'm entitled to those feelings, even if it's just in my head.

Anyway, I'm getting myself lost. Oh yes, so previously, I would have come up with every excuse in the book, probably gotten mad at the suggestion, more than likely even become indignant about the whole thing so it would be dropped.

But I didn't this time, he asked why I was hesitating, I explained, and that's when I was reminded of the option to safe word. He completely put the decision back on me, and I know he would have respected the use thereof, there's never a question of that, but it didn't feel right to me. Using the word would have been a cop out. I was not in any danger, technically not breaking any laws, so it was just me that I was fighting.

I did what felt right, I followed his direction and the second I decided to do so knew I made the right one. I was content and safe again. The safe meaning I felt back under the p/e umbrella.

I never looked at it like an umbrella before, but that's exactly what it is. The size is relative because it expands as the trust grows, but he's holding the handle and I can choose to stay covered, or brave the elements (figuratively). Choosing to either step or remain underneath is becoming so natural it's hard to fathom.

We had a great talk last night about the relationship, the intensity, the ebb/flow of the dynamic and how whatever it is, just works right. He is him, I am me... there's no alternate persona that takes over and says 'do this'.

I think that's where I was going earlier. I'm too lazy to scroll up and check so I'll just keep rolling with it.

I've labeled myself as a 'bedroom only' submissive. Mainly for the fact that once outside the bedroom, previous relationships have left me void of any feeling of p/e. Hence the reasons why I would have balked at the limit pushing above.

It's all about the emotional component. Anyone can profess feelings. I think for awhile you can even delude yourself into believing you actually feel those feelings (talking L word people and I don't mean Lesbians). I've learned the hard way that once you commit to admission of said emotion, in both cases it was a response not an initiation btw. Then it's a bargaining tool. "You would if you loved me" type of thing. Yes, this is within the last 5 years, not as a teenager and both men were older than I, and should have known better. However, as I sit here and write this, I realize it has nothing to do with knowing better, it has everything to do with manipulation and emotional guilt.

So I sit here and wrangle with the words I just wrote. It's almost that I'm trying to 'recover' from the notion that love is a bad emotion, or equates with manipulation or guilt. That's not what I'm trying to imply. What I mean is that if it's used before it should be, or responded to in kind when it shouldn't... it makes for bad juju.

I'm not going to make that mistake this time. Well I haven't, so I'm already one step ahead of the past failures in my life.

I know that Jefe would not do the emotional blackmail. He's not the type, he knows he doesn't have anything to prove about his dominance over me, or his manhood in general. He's confident in who he is.

It's that inherent confidence, and the natural way he exudes control that keeps me balanced and confident in how I serve him. Yes, even when choking and gagging, he's always there with kind words of encouragement.

I know that the possibilities for me to learn and grow into deeper service to him are not on the horizon, it's in there here and now. It happens every time we're together, there's always some nuance, and it doesn't always have to be physical that just draws me closer and makes me want to do more to please him.

It's the most wonderful place to be... enlightened as to how I 'knew' it could and should be, and be living it.

Coming to terms

2011-04-06T00:48:00.004-04:00

I'm in... lock stock and barrel as they say. I'm madly in love with the man, but have been too chicken to tell him. It's one of those things I think he knows, but hasn't let on that he knows. If there is such a thing.

It's a strange feeling being 'in love'. The last two times I've said the words it's because the other person uttered it first, and I felt compelled to respond in kind.

I think you can delude yourself to think you're in love, and it's rare when you find that connection when you have to acknowledge that you already are.

Does that make sense? In my head it does, but that doesn't mean y'all know it :) .

It's been a helluva week, and all I can think about is that he's my rock, has been, effortlessly, he's been that anchor- and I don't know if he realizes it. He just seems to read me so well. Knows when it's time for me to laugh, and knows when it's time to just check and see how level my world is.

I'm a very lucky woman, and even luckier submissive woman. I read a blog tonight, and the profile read something to the effect that that the couple in question met at the right time and have since found heights they never thought possible.

I have that, I know it, I feel it, and I experience it every day. Whether it's in his presence, talking to him, texting, or just simply thinking about him.

I'm done worrying about the distance factor. I refuse to be afraid of the subject, watch my language when it comes to time, distance or busy lives. I will take each day as it comes, knowing full well that I may end up with a severely broken heart. But I can't serve him the way he deserves to be served, and the way I 'need' to serve, if I build up walls.

We both recognize how special this relationship is, I'm going to hold on to that and thank the powers that be for making our paths cross, and giving me this opportunity to experience something this fine.

I'm not running away, I'm embracing. I"m coming to grips with the fact that I don't have to be afraid of loving someone.

Ships, anchors, and saiing adrift

2011-03-28T18:17:00.003-04:00

I probably shouldn't be writing this blog because I just had 36 uninterrupted hours alone with el jefe. I'm highly emotional today, crashing hard, and recovering from being wrecked in the best possible way.

It was an emotional time, in a plethora of ways- some wicked, some not. The some not is what keeps sending me over the edge today.

There were many unanswered questions in my last blog post. It was the first 'substantial' amount of time I had been able to spend with el Jefe. Since then I've traveled up to his place twice, without having to cut the visits short. This past weekend, I stayed two nights instead of the originally planned one.

We had a discussion about the frequency of our visits. He's frustrated, he wants more time together. So do I, logistically it's about as close to impossible as the two of us can get. Work keeps us apart during the week, and I have the kids so we can't do every single weekend. But in the last 5 weeks I've managed 3 visits, not a bad effort if I say so myself. However, I'd be a fool to think that we'll be able to sustain this good fortune.

Jefe doesn't see it as good fortune, or at least not as much as I do. He wants a partner, not a part time partner. I want more as well, I really do. I think I'm just more content to take things one day at a time, rather than look at the long term.

Wait that isn't entirely accurate, I am looking at the long term. I'm just not focusing on time together- long term is good as long as he's in it. I don't care how much time is involved. I think I'd be safe in saying I'll take whatever part of him I can get.

This is a complete turn around for me. I am the one who wants to escape, not give anyone my time. With Jefe, if I could give him every spare second I would. That concept scares the hell out of me. I count ages and determine at what stage I can do this... then this... until finally this.

Then I reason that let's say we lived closer, frequency would not necessarily give us quality. When we have time now, it's at least a day, maybe two to 2/5. Can't see the same quality in a 3 hr 'date', even if it did happen weekly. At least not compared to what we have now. I've had those relationships... get together 1 x week, sometimes 2 it didn't amount to much in quality. But quality is all in what you make of it.

The options

Quit now before more time goes on and then the potential for hurt is greater

Keep rolling and don't make a decision now.

We started the weekend with that conversation. I made my opinion very clear, he made his decision. I told him he needed to be sure of his decision. He's not 100%, but he agreed with me that what we have is too special for the both of us to quit now. I told him I can identify with his uncertainty, but moving forward we both need to be committed to it. I can't be the only one fighting for this.

Yes, I'm fighting for this. I've spoken to many who call themselves dominants, dated a few, had relationships (short or long term) with a couple others, none (some may be reading this who knows) and I mean none of them can hold a candle to this man. I am not blindly besotted either. Hell, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when we first started talking, neither was he for that matter. We get a chuckle out of that now.

It's not because he brings me places I've never been, both physically and mentally. It's not only those things, but it's part of those things. It's the connection we share that allows those things to happen. There's a level of intimacy that's gripped us both by the short hairs.

When I'm away from him a part of me is missing. That is an incredible feeling for me, previously I could have cared less quite frankly. Couldn't wait to get home, or back on a plane, or for him to leave. It's amazing how we trick our minds into thinking something is good because it satisfies a portion of what we're looking for.

I wrote in another blog awhile back that I go into relationships knowing there is an end somewhere. I don't believe it to be a self fulfilling prophesy, I think that I just knew that those people came into my life for a reason, and longevity wasn't it. There are lessons to be learned from our relationships with others in all contexts. I defined it as being a realist, and now I'm petrified that I might eat my own words.

I needed to learn what those d/s liaison's had to offer so I would be ready and recognize what I have before me.

Just like with any couple, what makes this work for us is what makes us unique. What we defined as our parameters as individuals have been met as a couple, except for this distance and time.

I know couples that have met online and have endured for months and years before they've ever met in person, some have yet to meet and it will be years before they can. But both parties in those relationships are 100% sure that it's worth any amount of time until they can be together. They are content with webcams, emails, instant messenger, and text messages to carry on their relationship, such that it is- - until that day comes.

We have 14-21 days of absence on average (well can't count the last 5 weeks because we haven't set up the actual cadence yet) surely that counts for something. It's more than many have, yet not as much as others.

If he's not 100% sure he can cope with limited time together,

Am I fighting a losing battle?

I'm afraid.... I am. I'm not used to being afraid. I'm petrified that I'll be left broken. On the ride home today, I kept my chin up, told myself I'll deal with the situation when it happens. The thing is, I'm already raw to the core. He's gotten so far inside my head- and we've only skimmed the surface of what we're capable of attaining together as a couple.

I'm not in control of this ship, my destiny is in his hands.

Flip the coin

2011-02-22T22:22:00.004-05:00

It's amazing what a single day makes. I slept like crap last night, tossed and turned, and spent some time online at 3 am. I was glad I had work today, to take my mind off of my mopey thoughts. Communication was better today, albeit not spectacular, but typical. The last two days were somewhat typical as well. I was just highly negatively charged.

I'm still wary of peeling back any more layers until we've had a chance for a 'good' conversation. I brought up some things that he needs to ponder on, so the ball is in his court.

The fact remains that he has me captured, whether I want to admit it to myself or not. I just have to take my own feelings slowly. I'm not talking professing my love or something that drastic. God forbid, those words don't fly easily off these lips. But there is a sense of belonging that he has found.

He is and has found a way into my mind. Something I didn't think could happen to me again, but this time it feels and is different. We've already met, have seen each other a few times as a matter of fact. Couple that with virtual communication and hell that's like a year in online only time. It's different in that it's not a full complete exposure either, having only online and phone communication with someone leads to a deeper depth of exposure sure, because words are the only thing you have. However, when you have both the physical intimacy (as in being able to actually touch the person) all that sharing takes on a new meaning. On paper you can say whatever you want to coax a response from another person, but taking those words and having the opportunity to put them to practice... yeah THAT's what I'm talkin' about.

There's letting someone into your mind in the virtual realm. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that has it's place. I don't disregard the depth of emotion that one feels in an online only relationship. You can crave just as deep as the next person. It's no substitute for being able to touch, explore, taste, smell the other person in your life.

It's one thing to look at words and see into a person's soul, it's quite another to reach out hand hold it in your hand.

Moping in my mind

2011-02-21T20:36:00.005-05:00

Yesterday sucked. Those who don't live with the dominant person in their life know exactly what I'm talking about. The day-after separation just sucks. It manifests in depression, anxiety, sadness, sometimes manic responses to what seems like everything. Not having a good distraction doesn't help any either.

Thankfully I had the kids to keep my head off the pillow wallowing in my own sadness. We had a birthday party to attend, and it was a themed party to boot!! Had a wonderful time, and did some mild harmless flirting. However I would have dealt with this in the past, last night I kept myself away from the temptation. Alcohol, loss of inhibition, the need to feel close and get fucked had me teetering on the edge. All it would have taken was one word. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to say it. As much as I wanted the gray to go away, as much as getting fucked would take away the longing. It would be just for the moment, then I'd be left with the guilt. Even though there's been no discussion about seeing other people, until that discussion is held, I go under the assumption there is only one unless otherwise specified.

During the 'discussion' of continuing this relationship despite of the obstacles, el jefe mentioned that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I replied the same. He paused for a moment, as if he never took that into consideration. I didn't elaborate, I just left it there. I've kept myself occupied from time to time with a good friend. It's rare, but when so inclined I partake in that which is enjoyable, and safely. There's no d/s dynamic just satisfaction on a purely physical level. I never entertained a relationship with him, doubt I ever will. It works on that one level and that's it. It's been quite some time since I've seen him, but isn't that how the fwb thing is supposed to work? haha.

Anyway, the topic arose about the progression of the relationship and 'if' it continues, we'll take the next leap and go get tested so we can get rid of the damned condoms.

My thoughts are ranging from believing with every breath that this is me from doing everything in my power to make this work, to taking the safe road and just dealing with this on the surface. Kind of like I do with the FWB. There's a place for him, and there could be a place for el jefe.

Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I want to do. Everything says 'go forth and be', not 'go forth and go through the motions'. I'm tired of that.
I guess I'm feeling guarded again, when I feel that I tend to put up the walls again. Not that they're ever completely torn down. It's just rare that I have the opportunity to feel that I can begin the process of tearing them down.

Also the communication process has been crap the last couple of days, which shouldn't be bothering me, because it's not any different than normal. I'm just needier. I don't handle needy well, from others or myself. Least of all myself. I don't know how to handle it. I need to hear him, yet I'm mentally chastising him for not recognizing this. Did I mention I also engage in the irrational from time to time?

I'm ready to go off in a huff because as a dominant he's 'just supposed to know'. I mean how stupid is that? That was rhetorical btw, I know how stupid it is.

I'm feeling clingy too, another foreign concept. Like I stated yesterday, I'm the one with the escape route before I even walk through the door. I don't like feeling vulnerable, I'm not used to it, but yet it's what needs to be done. I'm tired of this superficial crap.

I'm craving this man, craving in the way that every submissive woman does when something this good is standing in the doorway.

New Dawn

2011-02-20T12:32:00.004-05:00

I've been through a good many changes since I first started this blog. Submission by itself is liberating, but there was always something missing. Part of it was my personal commitment to the dominant, the other part was lack of perseverance by the dominant.

By that I mean, the personal investment for a submissive. There's more to taking control than just going through the physical motions. There's an emotional investment, that for me, needs to take place. Now, I realize that part of that problem was me. It's not easy for me to let the walls down, and unless someone is going to push through the cracks, they won't get inside me. It takes work to break down those walls, and sex while it may be a catalyst for revealing and intimate conversations, it isn't enough.

Last fall, I engaged in an intense relationship, that was strictly cerebral, yeah ok there was some sexual task stuff involved, but that's not the point here. I had to think about me, dig deep inside and think about what things meant to me. I wrote briefly upon the demise of that relationship. As close as I felt to him, there were obstacles and major differences of opinion about lifestyles.

I spent some time reflecting on what worked, realizing that though the relationship didn't work out, I was able to reveal who I am inside and be 'ok'.

It was an eye opening experience.

So that brings me to today, and my compulsion to write.

Shortly after that interlude, I struck up a conversation on the huge mega alternative personals site that is very popular. I told this gent that I was only seeking friendship due to the end of that other relationship. He was cool with that and a dialog about philosophies began. Emails turned to phone conversations, and we finally met before Christmas.

Since then it's been a combination of emails, phone calls and visits when we can manage. We live within the same state, just not that close. So between his life and mine, mostly mine it's not like we can just drop in on one another. Which is good for me, and bad for me at the same time.

I finally made arrangements to go up to his place for part of the weekend, but due to inclement weather and prior commitments- I had to leave early.

let me rephrase, I thought it best to make the trek home before the weather got any worse. It wasn't a decision I made lightly. In fact, I was so torn about leaving that it took him to insert his voice of logic that made up my mind. I'm glad I came home when I did, strictly because of the weather.

The thing is.... I didn't WANT to leave. I can't tell you the last time I felt that way. Normally when I spend time with a person of the opposite sex for any length of time I start looking for escape routes, or I start the encounter with an escape route. That has been my comfort zone, but then again nothing else has been required. I've sought and been a piece of ass. You can call it a commitment, but it's really not one- all it meant was I fucked one person for any length of time and he took control during the sex.

So this guy...

I had an assignment to put some things down on paper before this weekend. What I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted out of a relationship, what certain things about the lifestyle meant to me and the 'to do' list.

When I finished, I had nine pages of heartfelt thoughts. I wrote what I felt, didn't hold back- - I went deep and honest. I felt comfortable writing it, felt comfortable with him reading it, felt comfortable with him reading it in my presence. I didn't feel self conscious.

We discussed some of the things I wrote, some things didn't require conversation, just knowledge and conveyance.

We discussed the relationship portion in detail, distance isn't so much the issue, but the time that we'll have to spend apart might be. We're talking years and years. My life is 200 miles away from his, and his mine. There's no way around that. I got the impression that it will be an issue for him, but the jury is still out. For the right now it works and he wants to see where things go, which is good with me. I'm good at just letting things roll.

Or am I?

I felt a moment of panic yesterday when he brought up his concerns about the distance and timeline. He's never had a long distance thing work, and well I haven't either technically, but I've had longer distance than this between us, and I brought up that positive. To which he agreed. But it was still panic nonetheless. I...me...yours truly, trying to bring up reasons why this can work, working the logistics angle to the positive????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Oh, my God.

I realized what was coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, I realized the intent I was implying. I didn't even want to consider that this couldn't work out. Couldn't fathom that with all these raw emotions running through me, as a woman and as a submissive woman that a tomorrow any tomorrow could mean a day without him in it. That thought is scaring the hell right out of me.

A dominant told me once that a submissive has to want it more for it to work out. The words made sense at the time, but now I'm breathing them in. I got so much more than I expected this weekend. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically I'm both reveling in the discovery and wary of it. He has a power over me, I don't know whether he realizes it yet or not. He's very perceptive, I'm sure he knows.

I bask in his presence, physically he's beyond attractive to me, he has a caring and giving soul, knows what he wants and is not afraid to go get whatever that may be. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's a good thing. Everyone should be entitled to his or her own views.

What it boiled down to was that everything I wrote on those 9 pages and his mind are on the same page.

He wants to own, and I in turn want to be owned. I see the makings of that happening.

I slept in the same bed with him all night for 1 night... and already I hate sleeping alone.

Three hours

2010-10-22T23:11:00.002-04:00

I don't have a title for this blog post yet, because I'm not sure what I am going to say yet. I'm back home from the business trip and it was by no stretch, a great success. The customer meetings and the demo's went off without a hitch. Impressed the bossman in the process, so all is good.

Got a chance to chat with the sexy voice on the phone last night while at the hotel. I have to say it was nice to have an uninterrupted phone call that started before 9 pm (damned kids). It was yet another wonderful conversation, sharing of thoughts, bantering of ideas, recognizing more potential.

It will be one week.... only 1 more week. Absolutely, positively can't wait. I feel good, positive, enlightened, affirmed, energetic (well maybe not at this particular moment, but y'all know what I mean)... I have to work during the evening we're going to meet for coffee, I will be forever looking at my watch for those three hours I can tell you that!! Will be one of the longest three hour stretches I've had I'm sure!

I think I'm going to go see what the spawns made for dinner the last couple of days....

Absence makes the heart grow wiser

2010-10-19T16:45:00.003-04:00

I was chatting with a very good friend yesterday about blogging, and where to blog and considering the subject matter (d/s related), I thought this forum was the best venue. Which of course brought me to my own blog here (thank God for stored passwords), and well I can't believe it's been a year.

It was a good year, got a promotion- still doing the same work, just finally getting paid better for it. The workload has tripled though, not because of the promo, but because my dept finally has competent leadership and we're finally getting things done. I've had a chance to spread my wings, and proving my capabilities- it feels good.

During the last year I shied away from the whole dominant/submissive thing. Was getting too disillusioned by the D types who really didn't know their ass from their elbow. I realize that there's compromise and the D sets the tone, but I believe there's a fine balance between control and using the concept of control for getting what you want.

Today after work, I read through some of my old blogs here, trying to get that sense of what was going through my mind at the time. It's hard because I see right through it for what it was, kinky sex and nothing more. I've found that to be the issue more than once. So I stayed away.

I think it was good for me though. I went back toward vanilla and realized that it wasn't enough. So I started evaluating exactly what it was that would be 'enough'. I wasn't looking for that everlasting, undying love (although wouldn't be opposed if it struck). I didn't want someone moving in (not in the next decade). Those were the basics. I also learned that I was unhappy, there wasn't enough by 'pretending' to serve by being subservient to someone who didn't appreciate what it was I was trying to give. I know this because the world of d/s was either foreign, or just something they thought was cool in the bedroom.

Granted, being a sexual submissive is what I am, but there are ways with limits (kids, finances, home, career) for me to 'follow' outside the bedroom. There are subtle ways to relinquish control without losing control of the parts of my life that are immune from that control.

The problem is/was finding someone who understood those commitments. I wasn't having much luck in trying to believe in the fairy tale, so the direct approach seemed like the best way.

I had been corresponding with someone from the huge mega personals site for kinky people, but that had drifted to friendly IM's as he'd found 'the love of his life'. The compatible interests were there, but he was, at that time, looking for a third. I don't mind playing in threes, but I'm number 2 not 3.

Then months later, out of the blue he hit me with an IM, and the friendship was renewed and subsequent romance ensued. There was great communication, lots of texts, and then life got hectic and he didn't get it. *sigh* I don't have time for another child, and I discovered that I really was getting tired of becoming someone's hobby and persona to occupy all free time in one facet or another. I should have voiced off right then and there, but I didn't. Then there was a trust breech and that was all she wrote. I have a very difficult time recovering from any trust infarction.

But that brief interlude in my life taught me more about myself, cemented what I do/don't need to be... for me... so I could be what I wanted to be for someone else. That's always a good thing. New parts of my core needs were awakened, there lies a small but growing part of me that understands what I never understood before- submission isn't enough.

How on earth can I be something more, achieve something deeper? There's too many parts of my life that are/will always be mine to control. So that in and of itself should draw the line in the sand, but it didn't. There's a driving need to let her come to the surface, more than a driving need- its recognizing a calling.

Now the problem is finding someone who truly understands that. One or two conversations with D types and I was mostly left shaking my head. The crap some of these D's spew... It's sad and maddening.

I wasn't looking, didn't have any interest in being disillusioned... again. Talking and absorbing, tossing out theories, offering counter theories... and then 'bang' walked right into that glass wall that offered a view of something grand, something with potential.

All I had to do was turn the key....

Was it worth the risk?

I turned the knob and the door is open... I'm walking through.... time will tell.

Definitions

2009-10-04T12:28:00.002-04:00

We all have them, for words, for actions, for just about everything in life. We define things, whether it's by parameters, or actual meanings we as humans live by definitions.

As we live and grow and learn our definitions of life change over time, some things expand, some things contract, and some things (ideals) disappear. Reality has a way of molding and shifting things.

It's those definitions and parameters that define who we are, and in this ever changing world, hopefully help us in finding someone who also has similar definitions and parameters. What happens though when one of those definitions/parameters is not welcomed by another party? Do you become the chameleon and adapt to the new environment to please yourself of course. You tell yourself that changing is better for the relationship, you convince yourself that you are the one deciding to change. In reality, unless the behavior is self destructive i.e. drugs, alcohol, addictions, before making a change sit down and discuss why the request is even being proffered.

I say this because recently I had a friend who became irritated with my involvement in erotica and erotic sites, and basically my online involvement in general. Now, none of this was a surprise to him, I'm up front about my online activities (I met him on a fetish site besides!!). But my behavior online (which has all but disappeared) became too much. So I made the decision to change it, for the sake of salvaging the relationship.

I realized that while some of my behavior did need to change, not all of it did. If I care to blog about work, family or whatever, that's my business. His "definitions" clearly interfered with mine. How much was I willing to 'give up'?

He ended up solving the conflict by leaving the relationship. Whether I left the online realm or not, he couldn't come to terms as erotica as a part of my life. His loss.

The question of parameters and definitions still holds though, how much was I willing to give up? The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't comfortable with the parameters. There are parts of my online life that I enjoy. I write erotica so spending time on erotic sites not only is a learning experience, but at times also provides inspiration for a new story, or a scene in a current novel.

I have online friends. Now I'm not talking about the 200 person IM list that I once had. I mean five friends that I consider closer than family most times. I would not give them up. I've known them for years, and won't give them up for anything or anyone.

I almost felt like there was some isolation going on. I can't win lol. The first one couldn't let me talk to people without him butting in, and this one only wanted me to converse with certain people. Female was ok it seemed.

So what parameters are up for discussion with you?

Rediscovering Me

2009-07-29T21:06:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe so much time has gone by. I haven't been blogging much anywhere these days. Life has me hopping here and there. I've also spent a good portion of this time writing in the book I'm trying to complete. I've been able to bang out 5 decent chapters, revamped the outline and I consider myself on the homestretch now. Only 5 more chapters until I'm done. So with any luck that's 50 or so pages.

I've also met someone who fits into me and my lifestyle extremely well. The first conversation I had with him was like going home. It was in a sense, he's from the homeland too. So we're both transplants on this side of the country, and like the same sports teams. Which is a huge bonus during football season. *grins*

So while the last relationship didn't end so well, and I was completely disillusioned by many things, it did teach me that there are men out there who do not bully by physical force. Now I've found one who doesn't bully by guilt or emotional force as well. It's quite nice. He has a life that doesn't revolve around me. There's no whining or demands for time, there's understanding when it comes to the brood, and best of all, he really knows how to get inside my head when I need it most.

There's a time and place for certain activities, and we're both content and happy with that. It's also a learning experience in the BDSM realm as well. A whole new set of serving and pleasing and being used. I understand now why all the good BDSM sites use the Hitachi wand. *shivers and drools*.

So, yes I'm still alive, and promise to go catch up on all your writings soon.

I'll be back soon.
ss

Mind dump of thoughts

2009-06-14T14:06:00.004-04:00

Thanks for the kick in the arse trinity-pup to write again.

Life is good. I've started writing again. That is huge for me. I've written an entire chapter and went on to the next chapter. So that officially puts me about 2/3 done according to my outline. I figure I have a bout 6 or 7 chapters left, maybe less than that if I use some of the filler I wrote and kept because it didn't fit in the original location.

I also penned a short short in my alt blog, and then posted it on an erotic story site. Now I'm working on three shorts per requests of users on a amateur video site (no, I don't have videos up).

It's fun to deviate from what I need to do though.

On the home front, we added more reptiles to our menagerie today. All lizards are content and full of crickets I'm happy to report. Now it's time to feed the snake.

I'm pondering a new tattoo. Upper back, just not sure what I want yet. It's one of those things where I'll know it's meant to be when I see it. I'd like to do custom, but if I see a stencil, I'll work with it and change it a bit to make it seem more custom.

Went out on a date last night. Impromptu @ 10 pm. Got home about 2:30 ish. Dragging ass today. I likey my sleep.

On a sad note, my strawberry plants have officially shit the bed. I'm not so good with the green thumb. It's like a relationship for me, I kill it in time with either lack of interest or nurture it beyond its capability. One of these days I'll get it right.

Ok, that's enough for me right now. I have more story requests to work on.

Looking up

2009-06-04T16:07:00.003-04:00

I received a nice comment in email today about my space here, and it made me smile.

I've done a lot of introspection in the past month, and I know it's always easy to blame the other person when a relationship goes sour, but I've tried not to do so.

I know I didn't make things easy during this relationship, there were red flags that I either didn't see, or chose not to see. I understand now, how inexperience on both sides of the fence when it comes to the d/s lifestyle can cause problems. He portrayed himself one way, and in some ways he was accurate, but in other ways, he, in retrospect, was less experienced that I was.

I know I gave pushback on certain things, probably more than would be considered submissive. But I cannot and will not do things blindly just because someone wants something a particular way. I didn't recognize the emotional blackmail for what it was- emotional abuse.

When someone in a dominant role uses guilt to get what he or she wants- that's abuse. I heard over and over again "don't you want to help me?" "don't you want to make me happy?" things along those lines. The foundation cracked a long time ago, and I tried to disguise it with a nice potted plant, but all that meant is that I didn't have to look at it every day.

The crack expanded into other areas of my life until I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I have to say it in public, the man is no more a dominant than my baby boy. This man runs from his problems and latches on to people he thinks can give him something he covets- the need to belong. It drives him, but he doesn't realize it, nor does he realize or respect boundaries. Not limits, he didn't have enough creativity to go beyond the little knowledge he does know.

Interestingly enough, I received an email from his former mentor well over a year ago, but after he and I had actually met, and he'd bestowed upon me his collar. She warned me, and apologized for not doing so earlier. She did do me an injustice, feelings had gone headlong into outer space, but I read the email again the other day, and what she said was true- word for word (or just about). All the pieces of the puzzle fit.

He read a few websites, practiced with some props- but he has no idea how to be the dominant role. Over and over again I cried out for the mind fuck and the mind control, and over and over again it went ignored. Was it intentional or just ignorance? I don't know if I'll ever know. I can understand the misguided need for control and the lack of understanding in how to go about getting it. He learned a few moves with props and was content with that, no matter how much talk was shared, that's all it was talk.

Lessons learned.

So where does that leave m now? Looking up of course. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth with the entire lifestyle right now. Even though I know there are good people who live it, I'll not be looking to explore it- especially online.

I will be exploring dating and will find a partner who can and is willing to explore all kinds of kink. Someone who is control of his life and actually likes his life as it is- a relationship would only be an enhancement. In other words- a mirror image of me.

I like my life, such as it is. I've purged and feel so much better.

Now to celebrate my new found knowledge.... I think I need to do some toy shopping. Any suggestions?

Moving forward

2009-05-17T19:19:00.004-04:00

It's easy to fall back into routines. That's what I almost found myself doing this week. Turning to an old flame turned friend, looking for the comfort and lust that had been lacking from my life for too long.

There are reasons why that friendship will always remain that, but it still felt nice to hear him lusting after me, expressing his want and desire.

Turns out it was a good thing. He brought out that inner need that can get get stifled and thrown to the back of the closet. While it's always so much nicer to have someone else sate the sexual needs, I'm not going to go back to being an asexual being. I did that for quite a long time. Oddly enough, it was the same man who brought me back to life three years ago. Wow, just realized that.

I've taken control of my sexuality again, started surfing porn, and broke out the toys.

Anyway, I knew I loved my waterproof rabbit for a reason, my morning and once again evening showers have been quite satisfactory of late. I wonder if they make a little version with just the rabbit ear part that somehow straps to a finger or two or even hand. I don't always find there's a need to use the phallus part of the toy, and it can become cumbersome to use.

I was also indulgent, I took the suction cup dildo and lubed it up and let it sink deep in my arse. Now that was a slice of heaven, add those rabbit ears to my clit and voila!!! Instant smile for the remainder of the day.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about this whole d/s thing. Maybe it's just not for me. A little kink in the bedroom, ok, ok, a LOT of kink in the bedroom, ok, ok whips and restraints too. ok, ok, humiliation and some discipline.

I have gone back to alt and made adjustments to my original profile, deleted the joint one we had together, and doing more reading. Something will fit, not rushing it, but I did think it was important not to run from it either. I know the yearnings and urges will crop up, so why deny the need now? I can use this time to find out more about why the relationship with TM didn't work on my end. It always takes two, he wasn't the bad guy here 100% of the time.

It's all a matter of finding the right person to explore it with, I guess. Time will tell

From the outside looking in

2009-05-13T21:42:00.002-04:00

I have a few friends who are privy to the reasons why I had to do what I did in regards to my relationship with TM. They have all been very supportive. One could say, "of course, they'll be supportive, they're your friends." Yes, this is true, but these friends are also prone to telling me when I'm acting like an ass or a twit (which has happened more than once believe it or not).

I'm not having a hard time letting the relationship itself go. I am already done with that. I think it's because I was pretending to be happy when deep down, I felt a sense of disappointment more often than not. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that the level of trust in scenes I had in him was so great, I simply cannot imagine finding that again. Especially under the premise of d/s or bdsm. I don't have a very nice taste in my mouth left over from that aspect of the relationship.

Now, I will be the first to admit, that I have a teensy weensy problem relinquishing control outside of the bedroom. It's not that I don't want to, there is a part of me that does. I just don't know any other way to be. There is that natural side of me that will fix his favorite dinners, serve his plate, tend to clothing etc., but without the 'help' of a strong dominant to keep me in that 'serving' mindset- forget it. If I've had a bad day all bets are off and cook your own damned dinner.

That's where I was. While TM was great in a crisis, level headed and solid, that's about where it ended. On the day to day, not only did I want to make the decisions, I felt I had to because I was the one who had more experience running a household, keeping schedules, maintaining some semblence of order. After having all of that on my shoulders, and having the bdsm side of the house get not only predictable and mundane and eventually non existent, there just wasn't anything.

I not only mentioned it to him, but journaled it in depth. Remember the whole potty thing? Yeah, my suggestion, hell I gave him an entire list of things that would help him maintain some semblence of control. He never followed through. Eventually one learns to give up in that situation.

I either read or heard somewhere that d/s relationships (the first one) can often run its course within two years. I never thought that would happen with us, simply because of his experience (6+ years). However, either he gave up trying to figure out this strong willed independent person with sub desires, or he never knew what to do with me in the first place. I mean how easy is it to assign tasks? That was good for a week or so, a year ago, and then it never went anywhere.

I know I'm laying a lot of blame on his shoulders, but the d in the relationship is supposed to have the majority of that weight. Not that I am keeping myself blameless. I could have just gone through the motions and be the good little sub, but I am selfish. I want something in return. I want to know that my efforts are not just going through the motions. I want (or wanted, I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) someone who understands that I have this submissive longing, but have a meltdown and will run in the other direction if pushed to fast.

I know I didn't make it easy at times, and he'll say "I don't know if you don't tell me", but how many times do es one have to literally spell it out, before one just stops trying?

I talked to a Dom friend of mine recently about some of this. He didn't know TM, so he wasn't passing judgement on him as a person, only the situation. He was of the same inclination as I, TM simply didn't have what it takes to be the right D for me. Now, I really don't know what that is at the present moment. It will take time, and that's ok. I certainly am not looking to get into another relationship, especially one that involves any type of power exchange.

I updated my profile over at alt and had to laugh. Some 'guy' sent me an email shortly after I stated that I just ended a relationship and was pondering my place in the lifestyle. He simply stated that he thought he'd be the perfect person to 'train' me. Then I read his profile. Very demanding. Like that's going to be just what I need right now. I mean give me a break. What a troll.

By the way, now that all is said and done... I have a question;

How are the toys and props supposed to be divided when a relationship falls apart?

Changes

2009-05-10T11:19:00.002-04:00

Yes, it's been awhile since I've been here, and there was a good reason for it. The last few entries I had here expressed my obvious dissatisfaction at the course of the relationship with TM. The weeks following that last entry of April 3 brought me to the conclusion that I've dealt with these types of thing over the past couple of years, and that this would be a constant source of contention for me in the future.

I chose not to write out what I was feeling or going through, because even though there is a sense of anonymity here, he does or might read this, and I don't want this to be an asassination of him or his character. It's nothing like that, I still like the man- he's a great guy- for someone else.

We've parted ways, I asked him to leave- he did. I've learned a great many things over the last couple of years. I will always be grateful for his slow introduction to BDSM. Now it's time for me to spread my wings and figure out what I need out of this lifestyle.

Fantasy

2009-04-03T23:33:00.001-04:00

What happens when you have a fantasy and your lover doesn't?

Does that mean you will live your entire life wondering what if?

Does it mean that eventually you will look elsewhere to fulfill your innermost desires?

The question here is how to entice your lover/partner into exploring the unknown. This can be extremely difficult for a wide variety of reasons. Some of which include, but are not limited to:

1. Lover/partner is conservative in sexual activities
2. Lover/partner is happy with current lovemaking
3. Lover/partner would take offense to suggestions
4. Lover/partner would look at you poorly for suggesting such behavior.
5. You simply don't know how to approach the subject.

So, what are some steps you can take to head in the right direction? The best thing is to talk to your lover/partner about adding some variation to your sex life. Try asking your partner if he/she has a fantasy... even one from a long time ago. Ask your partner if there's anything that you can do as a lover to make things better. Offer to share a fantasy of yours... start with something mild. For example, if you want to experience a three some, but you know your partner isn't up for it, especially if it's asking for the same gender as your partner, try suggesting the use of an anal plug or sex toy to give yourself/your partner that extra stuffed feeling. I mean extra sensation. I got ahead of myself there for a moment.

Speaking of sex toys, there are many people men and women alike who don't enhance their sex lives with occasional use. Women seem to be ashamed to acknowledge they own them, and some men feel that a fake apparatus will somehow diminish their masculinity or even replace them. Think of a sex toy as an optional appendage, something that's nice to have, but not mandatory for satisfaction.

Let's take oral sex for an example. If a man is performing cunnilingus on a woman (using his mouth on her genitals), he may sometimes use a finger or two to insert in a woman's vagina while his tongue is busy elsewhere. A dildo, or vibrator can simulate the same action, but often with a much more dramatic result. Plus there's the added benefit that if it takes a woman a long time to reach orgasm, a vibrator on her clitoris won't tire. So again, a varied approach with the same result.

Why is it so difficult to share our innermost secrets and desires with the one who is often closest to us? Is it because we don't want to open ourselves up to reproach? Do we fear rejection from the person who claims to love us unconditionally?

Back to the question of how to introduce something new. In the case of sex toys, there's two different ways to approach this. One, you can buy something plain, small, and seduce your lover with a surprise of something new. Two you can sit down and shop for them together online.

Either way, communication is key. If you'd like to experience being restrained, or to restrain, start with something simple, like a blind fold and work your way up. If your lover is really timid about trying new things, make a seductive show of it. Blindfold, sensual massage, lots of touching, caressing, soothing words. Let your partner trust what you are doing. Allow your partner to be enveloped by the sensations.

The mind is the biggest sex organ in the body. If you can't capture the mind, you will never fully capture the body, heart and soul.

A view from the patio

2009-04-03T22:46:00.002-04:00

It's another beautiful night, and I'm sitting here appreciating it for once. I've been in the self pity mode for the last few weeks. Work is hectic and a drag, home is a zoo, and the D/s in my relationship seems to have flown out the window with TM's new hobby.

I could sit here and remind myself that I am as much to blame, but I'm in a self righteous mode. I do enough without having to remind him that he's supposed to be the dominant in this relationship. I've done it numerous times, reminding him about his job description. It lasts for awhile and then falls by the wayside. It's all well and good, but then don't sit there and tell me the beast needs to come out and a beating is long overdue.

That to me is just wrong. You want that, go find a play partner to satisfy that urge. If you don't think that the d/s in our relationship is important to nurture, ok fine, but don't expect me to be subservient when you deem it necessary to impart a scene.

Sometimes when I get this way I find that it's cyclical with my menses, but it's not PMS this time around.

The question is, is the relationship itself strong enough to go through these challenges. Yes, I believe it it, but there comes a point where when you look in the mirror, reality hits you in the face.

Where has time gone

2009-03-19T16:07:00.002-04:00

I've been remiss in my writing duties. Seems I can't get away from the paying work these days. All of my writing has taken a back seat, much to my dismay.

Things are good here, but the permission thing has fallen by the wayside. TM has been wrapped up in his own world for the past two weeks with a new hobby. All well and good for him, but I can't keep my head wrapped around the D/s without his help. I'm not trying to boast, not at all, but I'm too strong not to have him keep himself in the 'lead'. He drops off, I take it. More vanilla than D/s. That's fine, but I'm not going to take the lead on D/s. If he's going to be the capital D, then do it. It's like anything in life, it has to be worked. It's not just a thought that I'm going to blindly follow.

I don't want to be the only one working at this. If it's not going to be taken seriously, then stop the pretense. Either we do this, and he acts like a big boy, or he shirks his duty and we just are as is, well except for some kinky sex.

I'm tired of the one who makes the suggestions as to how I can be more submissive in the relationship, and it's ok for a week or two, then it all seems to slip into a void.

Granted, there aren't many areas that he has carte blanche, but in the areas he does, he's not.

Yeah, yeah... I know that I could take the high road and just keep pursuing my own submissiveness and desires to serve. I'm tired of the one always taking the steps and then not having him follow through. There is some responsiblity in that. I opened the door, not once but on many occasions. All with the same result.

Granted, life does get in the way. I'm grateful that he recognizes I'm beat at the end of the day, but I think that we could still add some ritual somewhere in there.

I'm tired, I need to reconnect and get grounded and centered, but I'm not going to push for it. He knows me well enough and should recognize it by now.

I'm going to stop here... battery is almost dead.

*off to look at some Hitachi Wands*

have a great weekend.

Morning wake up

2009-03-13T12:50:00.003-04:00

I heard and felt some movement this morning in the twilight of the day. I was wavering in the realm of fighting off consciousness.

Next thing I know, I'm being straddled and the smooth silken skin of TM's cock head was at my lips. Now, I want to say that the good sub in me just opened up for him, but remember I wasn't quite all there yet. So instinctively I tried to turn my head and fall back into a blissful slumber. However, being the good dominant that he is, there was no turning away. He gripped my hair rather forcefully and pressed his cock to my lips again. This time I opened for him.

I was more awake than not. I mean how can you sleep through giving head? It's just not possible. There is a point though where you act upon instinct, and that's where I was. I had quite a few thoughts going through my head at the time. I seldom find that I can turn my brain off. I like it too much- thinking and processing that is.

One of the things I thought about was the act itself that I was partaking in. The whole concept of taking what he wants wants is one of the most absolute turn ons for me, and I have no idea what prompted this type of action as it's been gone for weeks and weeks. Anyway, I absorbed the entire situation- the feeling of his hands in my hair, pulling my head off the pillow just far enough to take his length in, the soft steady stroking of my mouth, the feel of the contours of his head and shaft as he slid in and how perfectly it aligned with my mouth. Gosh, if that wasn't enough to get the juices flowing, I don't know what is!!

I don't know what the story was this morning, maybe it was pent up need for release, but TM did his business and that was that.

When he finished, and I managed to swallow all that was deposited, I was content and literally rolled over. I could have fallen back to sleep. TM however had other plans.

I heard the rustle of the shower curtain and thought TM was heading into the shower. I was mistaken, but not sadly I'm pleased to inform you. Seems he was retrieving the rabbit vibe. He bought the water proof one and because we have a private shower and he frequently makes use of it in there, that's the home for it.

He takes great pleasure in taking the tips of those ears and finding the sweetest spot to place them. Makes me shiver just thinking about it. He presses hard, or lightly depending on his mood.

We've even used it anally. Now there's a yummy feeling. For whatever reason I'm not a big fan of the moving pearls. Don't find they do very much for me when I'm using it solo. TM has more fun with direct stimulation on my clit, so there's not much experimenting going on.

However we do have two rabbits, one that we don't use much, older model. But I think we're going to save that one strictly for anal use. Even with a thorough washing, I'm not too keen on where it goes next after being in my arse. No matter how clean I am either.

Now I'd love to try the rabbit's moving pearls in my ass. Pushed in just enough so the pearls are right at the sphinctor. That to me sounds incredibly erotic. I'll have to mention that to him.

Yes, I'm plotting my own demise again. I'll keep you posted as to results.

Melding of the minds?

2009-03-10T20:09:00.003-04:00

I'm proud of myself, there have been no bathroom transgressions since I had my last screw up. Also I wait each night for permission before climbing into bed.

Weeknights suck. By the time the end of the day rolls around, there doesn't seem to be enough energy to keep up the momentum of the previous weekend. Ain't life grand?

Between my long days and and his facebook social activities, sleep just seems to be the top priority. Which is ok with me actually. I'm not very happy.

Ain't life grand?

Wow, look at the time and a few other thoughts.

2009-03-08T19:46:00.006-04:00

I've been sitting here flitting back and forth between random blog searching and increasing my stats in the multiple games I play on facebook. TM (The Man) is here at my side, on his lappie, and we haven't spoken much. That's ok though, it's not that either one of us feel like we must keep each other occupied with idle chatter, which is good, because I really don't know what to say at this point..

I've wandered through quite a few blogs today, and started following a good many of them. It's also gotten me horny as all hell.

Some of the spanking blogs I perused today, "oh my!!!" I don't think I could ever envision my ass literally blistered from a good spanking, but those red bums? oh yes, oh my, oh Lord. I think I need to make sure I have wooden spoons in the house.

That's on the fantasy list, or humiliation list, or one of the numerous lists that I seem to be formulating in my head. He and I have had numerous talks about the mind fuck. I've come to the conclusion that the mind fuck cannot just be during play. I'm way too alpha for that. It's too easy for me to go about my day and be in control of everything... not that I want to, it's just been the way I've had to live for the past 20 years or so. I've always been in charge of everything. House, family, kids, dr. apts, earning money... you name it. I said before, that's not exactly the way I envisioned my life, but what's done is done, and I'm quite proud of the woman I've evolved into.

The down side of that though, is relinquishing control OUTSIDE sex activities. It's tough, it's damned tough. So we made the compromise so I don't get into a 'backed into a corner' feeling, that he would have complete control over my sexuality, so where is that control?. So because of my vivid imagination, I see all sorts of things. Like this quiet time we have right now. I see these things, but know it won't happen.

Stick your hand down my pants and make sure I'm wet. Do something?!?!?!

Follow me in close proximity to the bedroom, close the door right behind us and pull my drawers down to my ankles.

Make me hold my shirt up and tease and torture my nipples like only you can.

Make me worship your cock on demand.

Put me up on the bathroom counter and spread me wide and tell me to fuck myself while you watch.

Make me cook dinner with a vibrating egg in my ass.

Give me a good quick fuck and pull out fast.

God, I shouldn't do this to myself... I don't need him to torture me, I can do it all by myself. But you know... there is nothing quite like feeling used, abused, a real fuck toy, a piece of meat.

I thrive on it. I need it. It takes away all my control, puts me in the right head space. It reminds me of who is really in control, who I want and need to be in control. I'm a slave to my cunt. I'm a sexual slave to TM. Therefore my cunt is a slave to TM. (not to mention every other orafice as well).

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now, it's time to cook dinner. I love feeling my juices on my inner thighs, knowing that thoughts of TM and what he could do to me at any given moment excites me to that extent.

I love that single moment when I stand up, feeling the wetness coat me as I walk. Oh yeah, yum.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if he can smell his bitch in heat? (Just stole a glance over, he's intent on whatever he's glancing at, so yeah, he's oblivious)

God I need to be used. Good thing I know it's not going to happen or I'd be disappointed.

Fantasy

2009-03-08T13:46:00.000-04:00

Everyone has one, or many. How many times have you read about the drawbacks to living out a fantasy? How it doesn't live up to expectations? I'm sure you have, and maybe even had that experience yourself. A once in a lifetime experience that wasn't quite what you imagined.

That happened to me once, or rather twice. The first experience lived up to expectations, the second, not so much. When I was in my 20's, I had a boyfriend who was quite a few years older than me (I look back now and realize how the 'older' man meant experience and control, but didn't know what it meant then). I was 25 he was pushing 40. He of course had what I think is every hot blooded male fantasy- two women and one man. I had a friend who was as sexually adventurous as I was, and about a year into this relationship, I approached her with surprising him. She was all for it, and together we plotted (I love plotting, erm, planning). This was back in the VCR days, no such thing as a DVD, and I had plenty of porn. She and I picked one out that had a good f-f-m scene and fast forwarded to right before that scene. Now the plan was to surprise him. He was pretty punctual in his arrival to the house each night, so that part was easy. She and I had a drink before he arrived to loosen us up. For as close as we were, and as open we were about our sexual exploits, we never dove into the bi arena, so this would be a first for us. It was a bit nerve wracking. I'd never been with a woman before, and while the thought intrigued me, it also scared me a bit. Not that I'd become bi, to this day I'd still label myself as bi-curious, but I wondered if when it came down to the actual act, would I do ok? Then there was also the fear- would she be better than me?

Looking back, the scene played out like a porno. We heard him pull in, took a deep breath and a few more slugs of gin, and hit play. When he came in the living room and saw us sitting on the couch, nothing was out of the ordinary, however when he turned to look at the television and saw what we were watching, his eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.

We invited him to sit between us, we didn't have to ask twice. I'm sure at that point he figured out what was going on, or hoped he did anyway. I remember some crotch rubbing by us, and each of his hands reciprocating. I don't know how far we got into the porno, but remember clothing shed, and moving into the bedroom where the real festivities began.

I remember sharing his cock with our mouths, him eating each of us, each of us eating each other, fondling her ample breasts, nibbling on her, god it was delicious. The one rule was- I got his cum. He filled me with it, not her. That was important to me, see even then I realized what a gift it was.

There was basking in the afterglow, a lot of wows, and deep sleep. It was the perfect fantasy come true.

However, when we attempted it a second time, I was not emotionally prepared for it. I was insecure and couldn't stand the thought of him touching her... so in that case it was a fantasy not so good come true.

I've done a lot of thinking about those two scenarios and realize NOW, that it was my insecurities that prohibited us from exploring further. The first time was fine, but the second time, I couldn't get it out of my head that there was something she had that I didn't. More than her huge tits, mine are far from huge, barely a handful for smaller hands even.

So I look at myself now, in the best relationship that I've had in my life, and ever will have, and think. It's a fantasy The Man has, he's done the m-m-f thing (my fantasy), but not the f-f-m. Could I bear to have his hands, mouth, and cock on and in someone else? I'd love to give him that fantasy, and I think it wouldn't be a problem. Now on a regular basis? No, to this day, I don't think my psyche can handle it. I don't share well, and he knows it. A harem or poly will never be for us, even if I AM the alpha or number 1 slut in the situation.

So that brings me to this train of thought, because I have fantasies, plenty of them. Because I love to write, I will occasionally jot one down in our journal. Granted it ends up being a scripted blow by blow (literally) six page single spaced story, but a fantasy none the less.

I can't help but wonder though, with my vivid imagination, and the ability to craft it into words on a page- am I doing both of us a disservice? I mean unless he does things word for word will it ever live up to what I have dreamed in my head? That's nearly impossible, and doesn't leave much for spontaneity.

I think that plotting, damn I mean planning, really to a certain extent can help- just like that threesome in my 20's, but too much and there's always something that's left flat. I think that's where expectation doesn't meet reality. You can envision a dinner party where the main course is a whore for use, and then you can envision exactly what happens. If something doesn't go along with the scripted part of your brain, then it's difficult to keep yourself out of the mind set that this isn't what you planned. Which I think can happen from either side of the fence.

A Dominant can plan a scene in his/her head according to specifics, or they can formulate a plan with a semblence of what could happen. I think that if you get too specific in the planning, then an adverse response (and I mean adverse in not expected) can foil the mental plan. It could be something as simple as seeing if the sub can handle oh let's say 20 strokes of a cane, and she can only handle 15- then there's a sense of disappointment in the mind of the stroker. However, if the Dominant approaches it with a 'not stop until she safewords' attitude, then the number of strokes doesn't matter. He or she has pushed the sub to safeword and the fantasy ends in a positive result.

So I think that I'm going to stop being so specific when I tease The Man with a fantasy. Not that I'm left hanging or disappointed in any of our encounters, scenes, or sex, but the mind can't help sometimes saying, "that wasn't quite what I imagined" no matter how sated one gets.

It's a good way of setting someone up for a fall. A person cannot live up to the imagined precise expectations of another, no matter how much communication is done between the two. I cannot do that for him, and he cannot do that for me.

Sometimes being simple and vague is better than being complicated and precise.

Results

2009-03-07T15:35:00.000-05:00

Results come in many ways. When I last wrote, I mentioned my transgression with the toilet. It wasn't something I did consciously, and I'd only been at that for less than 24 hours when I forgot to ask permission to use the bathroom.

I was reminded later on of my mistake, and was told my punishment was being deliberated. I've never been punished. Probably should have been for attitude and such over the last year, but I haven't been to date. I was mortified, and nervous. What would he do? How would he punish me? I've read plenty of things on masochism to know that there's a distinction between pain for pleasure and pain as punishment. I was going to feel the latter, and was not happy with myself for bringing it on.

My saving grace through this thought process was that whatever the punishment was, it was not going to be loud, given our room's proximity to the kids rooms. At least that's what I told myself.
There had been nothing else spoken about it, until bedtime. Part of me hoped that he'd forgotten because it had been such a lovely evening. However, I soon realized that he hadn't.

I was told to kneel and spoken to like a parent to a child. I felt stupid and childish. He reminded me that this is what I requested. I agreed and apologized. All the while his fingers gripped my nipples tighter than tight. In a firm masterful voice, he informed me that if I forgot again, punishment would be severe. I was tempted to ask what severe meant, I was also tempted to lay claim that it was an innocent mistake and this was all still new. However, for a rare moment in my life, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and to accept the glove that fate offered me.

I'll not forget about asking any time soon.

Yesterda was a long day. Lots of work work to keep me busy, and I didn't shut the computer down until well after 8 pm. Shuffled the kids off to bed at 9 pm and then informed himself that I was taking a shower- expecting him to join me. My ass pounding was interrupted in the morning due to kids leaving for school and knocks on the door, so I expected to resume the ass pounding in the evening.

I had to go to the bathroom, but not bad, and again I thought he'd join me in the shower and he'd get yet another chance to 'humililate' me by making me pee in front of him. I also had the notion to give myself an enema, so I'd be thoroughly clean for him when he decided to take me. Now the normal procedure for me to self administer is to do so in the shower. I half wondered whether he'd sneak in and watch me, but he didn't so I continued with my normal routine. Shave the legs etc. As I shaved the first leg, it then dawned on me that I'd soon have to go expel, but I didn't ask first, and he had no idea that I'd done the enema. I held out hope that he would be in to join me, but it was soon obvious that he wasn't. I was nearing the point of no return.

There was no way I could run through the house dripping wet to the patio and ask. I'd never make it. Then I thought of the small bathroom window. I could holler for him through there and ask what I needed to ask. So I scooted from the shower, dripped everywhere and slid open the window. Once I hollered for him, I realized I couldn't hear anything he said. So that was futile. I could only hope he'd respond, or I would for sure receive the punishment I was promised.

Damn idiot I was.

I hopped back in the water and stood there, beginning to tremble from holding it in. I opened the curtain and saw him. What a welcomed site. I called him over and explained my situation. He looked surprised at first, and a little disappointed until I told him I didn't 'go' yet. I was given permission, and relief was had.

I'll have to think more clearly next time I decide to go forth with a decision. We ended up with a good chuckle out of it anyway.

This asking permission thing, is a good thing. It's keeping me focused on who has the control. Being so alpha, it makes it difficult at times not to just keep the status quo. I want the control, no let me rephrase that, I want HIM to have the control over me. I need him to have that control over me.

I've always been a slave to my cunt. Fuck it well and I'll walk over hot coals for you. Maybe it's not such a strong point in one's character, but I'm learning over this past week that it takes more than just a good fuck to put my mind where it needs to be in this D/s realm.

For example, when it comes time for a scene or play or just sex, I snap out of 'me' and step 'into' the woman who lets her man have his way. It's a great way to live, especially when one has a One who loves nothing more than to have that control. A good 'session' always makes me more compliant and 'pliable if you will, but there was something missing.

Opening up about this humiliation thing was just the trick. It has snapped my mind into a place where it needs to be to accept more than just my physical body being in his control. It puts my mind there as well. I mean I can't go take a pee without asking. How basic is that?

It feels odd to have put that control in his hands. Granted it's still new, but I like it thus far. I remember him telling me his previous submissive 'required' that type of control, and for the life of me, couldn't figure out why. Why was it a 'need' and not a 'want'. I recognize it now. It's not a 'need' for me. I could live without it. My needs v wants for him are on a much more basic level. I need emotional security, emotional protection for me and all that is mine- stuff like that. I don't have specific lifestyle needs such as when we scene- I need this or that. Many people do, it's just not one of the things I think is essential in my life. I've put my trust in this man, and I'm not going to dictate what he chooses to do in a scene. My needs list is what I need out of the relationship from a man to a woman, nothing more, nothing less.

Maybe there should be more than one needs/wants list. One for every day and one geared just for the lifestyle. Maybe that's all part of negotiation, I don't know. I do know this though, this past week has been different. I see it, I feel it, and I know it. In my head- I know it.

Screwed Up

2009-03-05T20:31:00.000-05:00

Not my head, just me. I've delved into the world of erotic humiliation, another step in the exploration of me, and what makes me tick. The Man and I have talked about this need for quite some time, and basically, everything he tries- I just don't find humiliating.

So we were at a cross roads. How could I explain this need to him, if I couldn't explain it to myself. He mused the other day, that I'm a slut and enjoy everything he does. That's very true. The amount of trust we've built in the last 1.5 years is incredible to say the least. I'm also very comfortable around him, so when I'm made to do something, I'm not humiliated. What could be more humiliating than squatting on the floor and peeing on a pee pad in a hotel room? Yeah, I just put myself in the mindset that it had to be done, and in reality, I didn't mind doing it- so as a result, not humiliating.

I did some web searching on the subject and found a few articles that helped to enlighten me. Now, neither one of us are 'into' public humiliation, and after reading an article about the effects of such treatment on an unwitting public, cemented the fact that we cannot arbitrarily do things in public. Now if he were to do things in the company of fellow lifestylers, that would be humiliating. But we aren't going there yet.

Now, for a moment, I must digress. I have a Loving Dominant. We are 24/7 at present, and have been for a couple of months now. We pretty much limit our D/s to control of my body, in and out of the bedroom. The family as a unit now, is not ready for me to give up the reins, and quite frankly, neither am I. There are certain household decisions that are mine, and will probably always remain mine. For now, we're finding a nice mix.

Back to my screw up. After reading about humiliation, and distinctions regarding degradation, I realized that many things we do are humbling and I experience a certain sense of humility in my service to him. Things like crawling, splaying myself open, kneeling etc. These are every day activities and deepen my submission to him, because they are things I do and have done only for him.

So I decided to open up the floodgates and really dive into the depths of my mind and come up with a list of things that would embarrass me, some of them were brash, some of them were subtle. The same night I wrote the journal to him, he tried a few of the items on the list, and I have to say it was one night neither one of us will forget.

One of the things on the list was asking permission to toilet. Now we hadn't actually discussed the list yesterday (wrote it the night before last), but I took it upon myself to initiate some other things on there, like this one. I came home from work early, He had to go out. While he was out I texted the question, and he answered back right away. I was telling him, without telling him, that I was serious about this level of submission to him.

Today I totally screwed up. I went to the bathroom numerous times today, twice right in front of him without even thinking about asking. Slip of the mind? I'm not sure. He mentioned it just a few minutes ago, and is now plotting my punishment. I've never been punished by him before. There's never been a need. This will be a first, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Why oh why did I have to write that list? Why oh why did I have to suggest punishment for non compliance?

Yes, it seems to me that I love plotting my own demise....

I'll keep you posted.

Initiation

2009-03-05T14:31:00.000-05:00

I'm giving my first blog this title for many reasons.

First, it's my first blog
Seccond, it's about my mid life change of lifestyle
Third, it may be your first introduction to the mind of a normal every day submissive slut.

Yes, I said it, submissive slut. What is an every day submissive slut? Well, to put it frankly, you wouldn't recognize me as a slut if you saw me on the street.

I may live next door to you, I could work with you, I could watch your kids after school. You just don't know. I don't know what you do in your bedroom or how you live your life's creed. I just know mine. Because I love the wrong end of a paddle, doesn't make me any different than someone else.

It may be different to you, it may be weird, but it's who I am, who I've always wanted to be, and who I will be for the rest of my days.

Ok, now that I put that disclaimer out, now the fun stuff.

SEX!!! There's nothing like it in the world. When it's good it's great, and when it's bad, hopefully there's still something you can be satisfied from. Not too many things like it in the world.

So what makes submission so different? Why does society label the lifestyle as deviant?

Think back to the 1950's. Dad ruled the roost. Mom had dinner on the table when he walked through the door at the end of a long work day. Kids were all cleaned up and the house was spotless. Mom's world revolved around making Dad happy. She rarely had to worry about work outside the house, or the pressures of the big bad world. The world was what Daddy creates. It was up to him to earn the bacon, make most decisions and that's what the code was.

Things are not much different in D/s. In some households it is Daddy who still makes the decisions, and the rest of the family looks to him as the role model. With most women working outside the home today, and a majority of marriages falling apart, women have had to be reliant upon themselves for survival. In a D/s house, many of the aspects of the 1950's household still ring true, except that mom may often work outside the home.

I would have loved to be the modern home maker wife. Nothing would have pleased me more than to have a man take care of the yard work, make the decisions, and I submit to his every desire. I was not that lucky. Failed marriage w/ kids left me on the dominant side of the house. I was on my own with kids to support, no help from him. I did it, and did it well I think. Kids are thriving. However, something was missing.

I can remember the age old argument about initiating sex in the bedroom. I never was good at initiating, unless I had a few drinks in me. I can remember telling him that it was hard for me to do it. Instead, I'd give the cues, slink up next to him, fondle him a bit maybe, or even nuzzle his neck. But that's as far as I would go, until he gave the impression that he wanted more. Even then I was looking for direction. Now that I think about it, I remember asking him in one sexual encounter to 'tell' me what to do and how to do it. He had no idea what I meant, and wanted no part of it.

Anal sex, the ultimate taboo in non kinky households (otherwise known as vanilla). I adore anal sex, he would lose his hard on. There's something about being taken in the back door that just shows dominance in it's finest. I can remember a girlfriend from h.s. who didn't even like doggy style because she felt inferior, gosh, there was nothing I loved more than being pounded from behind.

The signs were there all along, I just never knew what they were.

I've always been sexual, and always fell for the guy that gave a good fuck. It just naturally makes me subservient to him. The power of the cock I guess.

I can remember reading sexual excerpts from fiction mom was reading, anything that made the woman helpless, wanton, or nudged let's say into doing what she ultimately wanted to do but was too prim and proper to let herself go. I wanted to be that character in the book.

I grabbed porn wherever I could find it. When I baby sat somewhere, I was the snooper. If you had porn not locked up I'd find it. Not only would I find it, but I'd read and look at every single page and article. My uncle had some really good shit, way more than your Hustler and Playboy. He had the kinky stuff. He had the mags where the woman was tied up, or taken by surprise in a semi public setting. God, I loved that stuff. Couldn't wait to vacation up at their house for a week every summer. He had some good fiction too.

That was my introduction to sex. Nothing more than that. I was never molested, never abused, never mistreated as a child or teenager. I grew up in a loving household with two parents that to this day adore and who are still married.

I lost my virginity at 16, because I didn't want it anymore. In the front seat of a car, I decided it was time and poof it was done. Looking back I wish it meant something. It would be nice to tell my girls that it was worth the wait, but I can't. Instead, I can tell them that I wish I waited. Maybe that will do some good.

Did looking at all that porn as a kid shape my outlook on sex? No, I don't think so. I was hardly repulsed by anything I saw, even just straight soft porn. I find all sex beautiful in some way, shape, or form. I also think what people do to find gratification in a loving relationship is between them. As long as it's consensual.

So what's this blog going to be about? Well, now that I've laid the framework, and you realize I'm not some traumatized girl waiting to be rescued. In fact, just the opposite. I'm educated, employed with a renouned company. Have a great family and great kids, great friends, a great home, and I've achieved this all on my own. No help from the ex or anything.

Back to the purpose of the blog... I'm going to share the good, bad, ugly and the intense and the mundane of this journey into submission. It's not all rose petals and violins. Especially coming into this mid life, and after being on my own for more than a handful of years.

So sit back and enjoy the ride. I hope it will be a good one.